I'm going to voice a negative, express my feelings here in my forum and move on. I've become over the last 5 years an entirely different woman-mentally and emotionally and I won't allow that to be stripped of me or allow myself to be moved backwards.
The subject of being someones "party pal" to me over the last year has lost its "sense" to me. In the beginning, I stood by and used the term frequently but as I continue to evolve as an adult the significance has been lost. I don't need or intend to use individuals for the sake of partying. As I become more cultured, try new things and go to new places I've partied less and therefore don't need to have individuals with me FOR that sake.
I also have analyzed and decided that I too will not be demeaned by being referred to as a party pal either. If that's the case, the "friends" are two individuals wasting each other's time. If I need to have someone on my arm, to go to a club, bar, etc and that's their sole existence in my life? I will buy a fucking bracelet. That can sit on my arm or be my accessory. Nor will I be used to be someone elses accessory to and when they need it- my time, my car, my conversation, my jokes, my presence.
I won't.
My time, my presence,etc is worth much more than that and it should be shared with people who actually want me around in their life or actually care about me instead of using me around to maybe fill a void or satisfy their selfish nature and then discard of me. Especially as far as I've come over the years as an individual I know my worth, and won't have it demeaned by anyone. As I see more, do more and revolutionize myself, I see the great in my future and to those who do just use me now, I trust that the Lord will discard of them and bring the right people into my life. People who appreciate me, care about me, genuinely want my presence in their life, people I can thoroughly trust and have real valid friendships through. Not simply the shallow friendships I see and hear all of my previous friends state they have- "dinner buddies only", "party pal only", "there when I need a ride","buys me drinks at the bar", etc. Its such a waste of time to have individuals that only fit those bills in your life.
I want only people that will actually be happy for me when I get pregnant again, people I know will come visit when I move out of my hometown, or would be at my housewarming. The type of friends who throw you a surprise bachelorette party and everyone of them is worthy of being your bridesmaids. The friends that you can actually talk about your life with and not just have weak surface conversations with. If I need surface conversations, I will talk to co-workers or a stuffed animal or the cashier at Home Depot.
Simply, don't waste my time. Time is so precious to me. Things that have happened in the last 4 years of me writing in the blog-if you start from beginning through now it would blow your mind. I work so much during the week that the weekends feel like a total of 10 minutes...time is too precious to me. So as I don't waste others' time because time means so much to me, don't waste mine.
Its unkind.
And those who I don't even consider worth anything-at all, never was that close with and one in particular who has had no class in public forum, just take care. I don't know why you've been in my life for so long, taking up space, wasting my precious time, being one of two extremes: loud, annoying, classless and rude or being useless and breathing in my air, just take care. The classless ones, sometimes really burn me to the point of me wanting to say "fuck you and take care" but the other innocent ones who are friends with me only because of their connections to others-take care. You're not here FOR me, you're only here because of my friendship with someone else-don't do me any favors, go about your life, I wish you well-take care of yourself. Take care of your family, and your real friends only stop creating false, shallow friendships because someone else is connected to someone. The classless crew, I'm not worried about you guys. I'm not fuckin with you guys whatsoever so again, fuck you and take care.
Whether I have to move from this alone and start anew, or whether the friends of my past read this and actually get it and real friendships are re-established...I wish everyone to Take Care. I narrowed my cell phone contacts last night from 412 into the 50's. I'm ready to start anew alone if need be or for only real friends to step it up and step forward.
Let's do this for real or let's just fucking not. Either way, each and everyone of you are your OWN person and will have different decisions regarding me as I will with each every individual one of you. At the end of the day, Take Care.
Seriously, no malicious feelings.
Truthfully.
Take Care.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
25
I'm back at Argyle Lake-2 days after my 25th birthday. I'm truly not sure what it is that I'm feeling exactly, but I would be lying if I said 25 feels..different.
It may sound silly, but it feels wiser if wisdom had a specific tingle of a feeling. In my mind, I'm reviewing my wardrobe and things that I've held on to for sentimental feelings, I'm starting to realize I won't ever wear again. I feel as if its "childish".
So is that it? Has my youth officially come to an end?
If that's the case, I feel a bit nervous. I will never be a size 4 again, or have I actually acquired enough information to carry me into adulthood? I know nothing of stocks and bonds, or how to move my existing 401k account into an IRA something I actually need to do. I suddenly feel the need to be in control of my health-especially stress wise. I've stressed over many equally relevant and irrelevant situations in the last 4 years that I'm sure hasn't added anything positive to my well being. A lot of the worst situations (an arrest, miscarriage) in my life are truly in the past. What exactly do I have left to stress over? Yes, indeed I'm unemployed and much more but I'm truly coming into the "wisdom" that the stress I put upon myself hasn't garnered me an interview or salary package, so its absolutely pointless. I do look at some younger counterparts and say to myself "had I done things differently-didnt stress this bad relationship, didn't fight with this friend, just apologized, just did the presentation" my life would be positively altered by this point. At least though I can say, I don't have to continue living life with regrets. I stop now and ask myself about every minute detail-"what do YOU want, do YOU want this" before proceeding. Making the decisions or not feeling as if its being made FOR me is such an amazing comfort.
I have to stress less and do more. I have to experience and see more. I feel a little nervous about being as old as in my own mind 25 is but at least I'm ready to make the transition into 25 and happy.
It may sound silly, but it feels wiser if wisdom had a specific tingle of a feeling. In my mind, I'm reviewing my wardrobe and things that I've held on to for sentimental feelings, I'm starting to realize I won't ever wear again. I feel as if its "childish".
So is that it? Has my youth officially come to an end?
If that's the case, I feel a bit nervous. I will never be a size 4 again, or have I actually acquired enough information to carry me into adulthood? I know nothing of stocks and bonds, or how to move my existing 401k account into an IRA something I actually need to do. I suddenly feel the need to be in control of my health-especially stress wise. I've stressed over many equally relevant and irrelevant situations in the last 4 years that I'm sure hasn't added anything positive to my well being. A lot of the worst situations (an arrest, miscarriage) in my life are truly in the past. What exactly do I have left to stress over? Yes, indeed I'm unemployed and much more but I'm truly coming into the "wisdom" that the stress I put upon myself hasn't garnered me an interview or salary package, so its absolutely pointless. I do look at some younger counterparts and say to myself "had I done things differently-didnt stress this bad relationship, didn't fight with this friend, just apologized, just did the presentation" my life would be positively altered by this point. At least though I can say, I don't have to continue living life with regrets. I stop now and ask myself about every minute detail-"what do YOU want, do YOU want this" before proceeding. Making the decisions or not feeling as if its being made FOR me is such an amazing comfort.
I have to stress less and do more. I have to experience and see more. I feel a little nervous about being as old as in my own mind 25 is but at least I'm ready to make the transition into 25 and happy.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Becoming a Joyologist
I've been taking subtle peace in my surroundings.
It's been hard, especially being aware of all the things that have been against me in the last month, year and in my eyes, four years total. The year I started writing The New Jack was 2007-based on turmoil.
Changing your thinking, reinforcing positivity into your life is actual work. In four years, I've truly come to believe that. As someone who suffers from depression and have hit my lowest points of life, all reflected in this blog, positivity is not something that comes in the mail to you, for free, with no work on your behalf.
Turning 25 years old in only four days, everything that has happened to this point of my life has taken work or it's been the direct resultant of lack thereof. I have a huge fear of failure, and it's held me back from a lot for the last four years. Slowly and daily as I come into these realizations and work at the change of thinking, the other work becomes to not feel sorry for yourself. Realize all the time wasted and make plans and efforts now as to not waste anymore time in negativity.
I used to believe that becoming a socialite or holding a famous position would ultimately become the source of the joy that I've been seeking all along. None of those things are needed.
If you need an occupation that doesn't pay cash to fulfill your life, its to become a "joyologist".
Creating your own sense of joy, constantly with its upkeep requires work. It's not just 9-5, Monday through Friday. It's an all the time job. Sometimes, I falter with the work, but the thing is that I haven't been willing to commit to the position for all this time. I haven't been willing to do the 24/7 work involved. Yes, some things are truly beyond my control and my thoughts about it just might not be able to switch to positive ones. However, there are so many other thoughts, beliefs, out-loud sayings that all start with me and how I alter the universe around me. There are so many ways to look at one thing and I haven't been opening my mind, mouth or heart to some positive views on certain things.
And it all goes back to the fear of failure I've had since graduating college in 2007. I've realized in fear of failure, I've created an allergy to hard work within myself. Even if it's for my benefit.
I feel so empowered. So ready once again, to commit. I'm truly realizing more and more the depth, seriousness and reasoning behind my problems and I'm committing not to fear anymore but to work.
When you get hired, and receive a title you also commit to the job itself. So I'm committing to all these titles: daughter, best friend, sister, a one-time mother, niece, cousin, boutique owner, lover, worshiper and now, joyologist.
And though none of these positions pay cash, I've never felt so rich. It feels good to be employed again....
It's been hard, especially being aware of all the things that have been against me in the last month, year and in my eyes, four years total. The year I started writing The New Jack was 2007-based on turmoil.
Changing your thinking, reinforcing positivity into your life is actual work. In four years, I've truly come to believe that. As someone who suffers from depression and have hit my lowest points of life, all reflected in this blog, positivity is not something that comes in the mail to you, for free, with no work on your behalf.
Turning 25 years old in only four days, everything that has happened to this point of my life has taken work or it's been the direct resultant of lack thereof. I have a huge fear of failure, and it's held me back from a lot for the last four years. Slowly and daily as I come into these realizations and work at the change of thinking, the other work becomes to not feel sorry for yourself. Realize all the time wasted and make plans and efforts now as to not waste anymore time in negativity.
I used to believe that becoming a socialite or holding a famous position would ultimately become the source of the joy that I've been seeking all along. None of those things are needed.
If you need an occupation that doesn't pay cash to fulfill your life, its to become a "joyologist".
Creating your own sense of joy, constantly with its upkeep requires work. It's not just 9-5, Monday through Friday. It's an all the time job. Sometimes, I falter with the work, but the thing is that I haven't been willing to commit to the position for all this time. I haven't been willing to do the 24/7 work involved. Yes, some things are truly beyond my control and my thoughts about it just might not be able to switch to positive ones. However, there are so many other thoughts, beliefs, out-loud sayings that all start with me and how I alter the universe around me. There are so many ways to look at one thing and I haven't been opening my mind, mouth or heart to some positive views on certain things.
And it all goes back to the fear of failure I've had since graduating college in 2007. I've realized in fear of failure, I've created an allergy to hard work within myself. Even if it's for my benefit.
I feel so empowered. So ready once again, to commit. I'm truly realizing more and more the depth, seriousness and reasoning behind my problems and I'm committing not to fear anymore but to work.
When you get hired, and receive a title you also commit to the job itself. So I'm committing to all these titles: daughter, best friend, sister, a one-time mother, niece, cousin, boutique owner, lover, worshiper and now, joyologist.
And though none of these positions pay cash, I've never felt so rich. It feels good to be employed again....
Friday, April 8, 2011
Gratitude List 4/8/11
I'm going to back track seeing as I haven't written anymore lists since 4/3 so here goes:
For finally seeing "Eat, Pray, Love"-the movie definitely opened my eyes significantly
For having the guts to put my foot down about the scenario with the All-Star-we're still communicating, we're still very in love, but I need to get my OWN stuff together for me and I also want to date around a little bit to make sure of my likes and dislikes. I don't think he's fully ready for a girlfriend either and instead of forcing this to work and creating animosity-let's casually date one another and others and see how it goes. If we're supposed to be together the way we want to be, things WILL come together.
For having my boutique, Shoes From Last Night-I've neglected it thoroughly in the last couple weeks stressing myself over things that I've elaborated on the most recent posts but I need to stop running from the idea that this boutique may not become anything and be grateful that when I need something TO DO I have a boutique that I can work on.
For my Blackberry still working. I haven't had enough money and/or job to buy a new phone and this Blackberry is in pieces and its STILL holding on. I'm so grateful, for if it would stop working tomorrow, I would be phone-less. Period. I have no funds to pay my bills, let alone replace a cell phone.
For focusing on gluing on individual eyelashes as I've seen in the salon and sticking with doing it until I did my first full fringe that can last up to two weeks. The salon I go to in Lindenhurst charges $25-$35 for the pairing done-the lashes themselves cost $3.50 and the glue another $7. So for $10, I can do what they do for me, FOR MYSELF all the time. Whenever I want. There's a triumph in doing something FOR YOURSELF.
For being 20-some odd pages away from finishing "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives" this book is SUCH an eye opener. I've seen so much of MY faults in this book and reasoning's behind them and I don't feel SORRY for myself. Instead, I've cried it all out and have been acknowledging my faults and where there is room for improvement and one step at a time I'm making more conscious decisions in my love life and as a woman on a whole. I'm taking pride in accomplishing things for myself and not having a relationship define my worth.
For the event, www.theglossyparty.com that selected my boutique to be a part of it on May 1st in Manhattan. If I really get everything together, this could be a real jump off point for my boutique.
For spending two days at the All-Star's house...just cuddling with a dog. I used to loathe dogs...and his dog is the smallest, fluffiest, sweetest thing...its almost like having a fluffy baby. After defining the terms with the All-Star, it was a little morose at first, lots of tears, but the way our relationship-friendship and love is, every thing is fine. The boundaries are in effect and nothing has deteriorated and when I did feel sad about it I was just grateful to have someone to cuddle with. That dog did the trick.
For the All-Star's kitchen, allowing me the space to cook two days this week. Even if it was only twice it was so nice to turn up the radio and just focus on making the meal itself and really get into it.
There we go.....off to work on www.shoesfromlastnight.com
For finally seeing "Eat, Pray, Love"-the movie definitely opened my eyes significantly
For having the guts to put my foot down about the scenario with the All-Star-we're still communicating, we're still very in love, but I need to get my OWN stuff together for me and I also want to date around a little bit to make sure of my likes and dislikes. I don't think he's fully ready for a girlfriend either and instead of forcing this to work and creating animosity-let's casually date one another and others and see how it goes. If we're supposed to be together the way we want to be, things WILL come together.
For having my boutique, Shoes From Last Night-I've neglected it thoroughly in the last couple weeks stressing myself over things that I've elaborated on the most recent posts but I need to stop running from the idea that this boutique may not become anything and be grateful that when I need something TO DO I have a boutique that I can work on.
For my Blackberry still working. I haven't had enough money and/or job to buy a new phone and this Blackberry is in pieces and its STILL holding on. I'm so grateful, for if it would stop working tomorrow, I would be phone-less. Period. I have no funds to pay my bills, let alone replace a cell phone.
For focusing on gluing on individual eyelashes as I've seen in the salon and sticking with doing it until I did my first full fringe that can last up to two weeks. The salon I go to in Lindenhurst charges $25-$35 for the pairing done-the lashes themselves cost $3.50 and the glue another $7. So for $10, I can do what they do for me, FOR MYSELF all the time. Whenever I want. There's a triumph in doing something FOR YOURSELF.
For being 20-some odd pages away from finishing "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives" this book is SUCH an eye opener. I've seen so much of MY faults in this book and reasoning's behind them and I don't feel SORRY for myself. Instead, I've cried it all out and have been acknowledging my faults and where there is room for improvement and one step at a time I'm making more conscious decisions in my love life and as a woman on a whole. I'm taking pride in accomplishing things for myself and not having a relationship define my worth.
For the event, www.theglossyparty.com that selected my boutique to be a part of it on May 1st in Manhattan. If I really get everything together, this could be a real jump off point for my boutique.
For spending two days at the All-Star's house...just cuddling with a dog. I used to loathe dogs...and his dog is the smallest, fluffiest, sweetest thing...its almost like having a fluffy baby. After defining the terms with the All-Star, it was a little morose at first, lots of tears, but the way our relationship-friendship and love is, every thing is fine. The boundaries are in effect and nothing has deteriorated and when I did feel sad about it I was just grateful to have someone to cuddle with. That dog did the trick.
For the All-Star's kitchen, allowing me the space to cook two days this week. Even if it was only twice it was so nice to turn up the radio and just focus on making the meal itself and really get into it.
There we go.....off to work on www.shoesfromlastnight.com
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Trying Something-Gratitude List 4/3/11
So....
After multiple, multiple, multiple meltdowns over the last two months, increasing in depression especially over the last three weeks-I'm trying something.
I have no solutions to any of my problems and the feelings remain the same as they have since November that I would really like to die. I still don't see a purpose or reason why I exist except to suffer.
So figuring I have no solutions, my best friend suggested I try something just for her. Whether I like it, agree with it, motivated or not and no matter how minuscule. She wants me to take 10 minutes of each day and write a gratitude list. Even if the things on there seem silly, just to try it out seeing as I can't mark it a "failure" if I haven't even tried it yet.
I do feel a little bit foolish because I just want to die. I just don't get anything and would rather be done with "life". But for her sake, I'm just going to try this no matter how dumb I may feel.
Today's gratitude list-4/3/11
Today I'm grateful for the following: my hello kitty robe from her because the heating in my bedroom was off and the robe provided INSTANT warmth, my multi-vitamins that taste disgusting but somehow make me feel physically stronger on the days I do take them, being able to write a check from my account for offering/tithe for church even though approximately $1.58 will be in my account once the check clears on Wednesday, the sun coming through my skylight because rainy days make me feel down and causes the roof to leak, the availability to nap after breakfast as depression has made me an insomniac and I'm exhausted in the mornings...or rather all the time including right now, for the manicure my best friend paid for yesterday-i originally turned it down but she insisted and every time I look at my hands I feel a bit prettier, for the chicken dinner I'm currently consuming as breakfast cause there's nothing else around but at least its a meal.
That's all I can think of in this moment. Don't feel any different but I did it.
After multiple, multiple, multiple meltdowns over the last two months, increasing in depression especially over the last three weeks-I'm trying something.
I have no solutions to any of my problems and the feelings remain the same as they have since November that I would really like to die. I still don't see a purpose or reason why I exist except to suffer.
So figuring I have no solutions, my best friend suggested I try something just for her. Whether I like it, agree with it, motivated or not and no matter how minuscule. She wants me to take 10 minutes of each day and write a gratitude list. Even if the things on there seem silly, just to try it out seeing as I can't mark it a "failure" if I haven't even tried it yet.
I do feel a little bit foolish because I just want to die. I just don't get anything and would rather be done with "life". But for her sake, I'm just going to try this no matter how dumb I may feel.
Today's gratitude list-4/3/11
Today I'm grateful for the following: my hello kitty robe from her because the heating in my bedroom was off and the robe provided INSTANT warmth, my multi-vitamins that taste disgusting but somehow make me feel physically stronger on the days I do take them, being able to write a check from my account for offering/tithe for church even though approximately $1.58 will be in my account once the check clears on Wednesday, the sun coming through my skylight because rainy days make me feel down and causes the roof to leak, the availability to nap after breakfast as depression has made me an insomniac and I'm exhausted in the mornings...or rather all the time including right now, for the manicure my best friend paid for yesterday-i originally turned it down but she insisted and every time I look at my hands I feel a bit prettier, for the chicken dinner I'm currently consuming as breakfast cause there's nothing else around but at least its a meal.
That's all I can think of in this moment. Don't feel any different but I did it.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
All of the Lights
I have a lake I sit at, in the town of Babylon. Its actually located at Babylon's Long Island Railroad stop. The entire span of the lake is covered in lights. Its quite the view all the time, even when the lights are not activated during the daytime.
Surrounding the lake are enormous, rich houses and of course more ducks than anyone can imagine. I come here all the time. I mean, all the time. Its the one place I feel as if I can actually figure things out.
I'm wondering about the light within myself.
As I've been reading "10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives", and acknowledging that the source of my feelings is lack of dreams and low self-esteem. I'm starting to analyze everything and truly wonder if its not that I don't have dreams, but if the dreams I possess are actually not achievable. From the roadblocks that I constantly experience in relationships, when the dream is to settle down already to the e-boutique I started nearly two years ago and has slightly picked up but I'm not sure what it can actually become. Do I want it to become a full scale boutique where I have inventory and the whole nine yards? Where in the hell would I get the money to finance such a thing. Its not that I don't have the dreams its just I see no way of them coming to pass so I start to see them as pointless even though I still want them. I want to move out to Nassau county so badly, get a small condo and start paying it off to own it.
I don't even have a job. I don't even have a car.
I want to learn about wines, and have my own cellar of exotic types. I want to learn this year how to become a good cook and practice making great dinners for company I wish to entertain or a man that might come into my life as a significant other. I don't have my own kitchen or space to operate as such. Let alone the funds to be spending on a list of ingredients to "try" something out, my current life due to unemployment is the definition of frugal. So, I make what "works" and never try to make anything different. Wondering so much about all these things and looking at the light of the lake, it makes me ask when is my own inner light going to shine?
Do I have to reevaluate the dreams and change them so that I can actually achieve something and build up my feelings about my worth in this world? Or do I continue with the ones I have and pray that the light that represents them now that is dim will soon brighten with persistence?
I don't know what all of the lights are, where they are, if I possess too many lights that I haven't turned on or if its that I have none at all.
Surrounding the lake are enormous, rich houses and of course more ducks than anyone can imagine. I come here all the time. I mean, all the time. Its the one place I feel as if I can actually figure things out.
I'm wondering about the light within myself.
As I've been reading "10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives", and acknowledging that the source of my feelings is lack of dreams and low self-esteem. I'm starting to analyze everything and truly wonder if its not that I don't have dreams, but if the dreams I possess are actually not achievable. From the roadblocks that I constantly experience in relationships, when the dream is to settle down already to the e-boutique I started nearly two years ago and has slightly picked up but I'm not sure what it can actually become. Do I want it to become a full scale boutique where I have inventory and the whole nine yards? Where in the hell would I get the money to finance such a thing. Its not that I don't have the dreams its just I see no way of them coming to pass so I start to see them as pointless even though I still want them. I want to move out to Nassau county so badly, get a small condo and start paying it off to own it.
I don't even have a job. I don't even have a car.
I want to learn about wines, and have my own cellar of exotic types. I want to learn this year how to become a good cook and practice making great dinners for company I wish to entertain or a man that might come into my life as a significant other. I don't have my own kitchen or space to operate as such. Let alone the funds to be spending on a list of ingredients to "try" something out, my current life due to unemployment is the definition of frugal. So, I make what "works" and never try to make anything different. Wondering so much about all these things and looking at the light of the lake, it makes me ask when is my own inner light going to shine?
Do I have to reevaluate the dreams and change them so that I can actually achieve something and build up my feelings about my worth in this world? Or do I continue with the ones I have and pray that the light that represents them now that is dim will soon brighten with persistence?
I don't know what all of the lights are, where they are, if I possess too many lights that I haven't turned on or if its that I have none at all.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
I'm a Commitment Phobe
I'm currently reading this.
It was an impulse purchase. I'm never in Barnes & Noble. Never.
My father incessantly push that I go there to find a book to read on Social Media Marketing, for an interview I had upcoming and before I could even head over to the never exciting marketing section, I found "self-help".
The thing that I'm constantly in search of.
"Self-Help".
The point of self-help, I'm realizing, foolishly enough to even repeat out loud is to help oneself.
The thing I never seem to do.
I don't help myself, but seek out endlessly ways to find help.
The book, ironically enough that I planned to browse through and return immediately for my $13.99 plus New York State sales tax, is actually forcing me to take a hard, hard look at things I've negatively created in myself. The fact that the only person I can actually get to help myself is me, and that I've turned to a list of negative alternatives including relationships to fix what only I can fix. I never really thought I had low self-esteem, until reading so much and seeing myself mirrored in the pages. I don't think, now I know I have low self-esteem. No one is going to be able to fix that but me, no amount of friendships or relationships and praise from men is going to alter that.
I have a disgusting view of commitment. I don't commit to anything that involves me-my growth, well-being ("can usually wait till I get insurance, or..."), things I enjoy etc. My only view of commitment are those involving dating and marriage and loyalty. I display none of this loyalty and commitment to myself. From the basics of my hair falling out and a near retinal detachment because I don't commit to my personal health. I'm the first one to cook or harass the 'boyfriend' of the moment about what he has eaten, has he eaten, what to eat, if I should make something but when it comes to me...what I eat never matters. Even though it's blatantly affected my health negatively, I continue to overlook it. My 'boyfriends' have always had passions, and hobbies that I break myself as a supporter of-basketball games, baseball games, UFC fights-things outside realm of me, their girlfriend.
I don't have these things. I've never committed to anything outside of them.
I have become only to exist in a shell of a body that I don't take care of anyway. I'm too busy pleasing or taking care of mans body.
Don't get me wrong. I still want to fix my relationship with the All-Star, which recently ended due to a flurry of confusion.
I'm heartbroken beyond words, lonely beyond thought........
I do however, need to commit to something, for me.
Rather, I need to commit to me.
I've tried this before, and failed. Last summer to be exact. I have commitment issues when it comes to me but not when it comes to anyone else-friend or lover.
It's going to be difficult. It has been really difficult.
The last week has been a lot of crying.
But I turn 25 in two weeks. I feel as if there's anytime to make a commitment to anything that has to do with me, or to me, period now is the time. I'm trying to make myself realize that I'm stuck with me, whether I like it or not. Friends, lovers, whatever, I'm not stuck with. Yes, be loyal but there's a degree of commitment that I owe myself first.
Hopefully, I can stick to the task.
I deserve it from me.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Muscle Memory
Just a thought......
Scientists and doctors have proven that we, as humans possess "muscle memory": the ability for our muscles to "remember" training, actions and functions therefore creating endurance when we participate in certain acts.
So when one consistently trains for a marathon, the muscles in the legs begin to "remember" the stress put on the body and in turn after consistent exposure to the repeated act begin to develop additional muscle to assist the body; again, this creates endurance.
Is there a such muscle memory of the heart when it comes to pain?
The same way our hearts are trained, from in the womb, to beat a certain amount of beats per minute to pump blood to the same locations-every minute, every hour, every day, for years on end. Does our heart, if repeatedly exposed to heartbreak develop a muscle memory? Memory to endure the next grief?
I've realized some people are just that nonchalant and "cold" when it comes to matters of the heart and compassion. It usually stems from repeated exposure to the same personal issue. However, I who has been brokenhearted- numerous times, and apparently even if the same individual hurts me its truly as if its the first offense it hurts so much.
Have others developed a muscle memory that I haven't?
Is my heart not..."strength" trained to its best ability?
How much more must I endure to develop the same "strength"?
I'm not sure...
Just something to think about...and possibly a training session I haven't prepared myself well for....
Scientists and doctors have proven that we, as humans possess "muscle memory": the ability for our muscles to "remember" training, actions and functions therefore creating endurance when we participate in certain acts.
So when one consistently trains for a marathon, the muscles in the legs begin to "remember" the stress put on the body and in turn after consistent exposure to the repeated act begin to develop additional muscle to assist the body; again, this creates endurance.
Is there a such muscle memory of the heart when it comes to pain?
The same way our hearts are trained, from in the womb, to beat a certain amount of beats per minute to pump blood to the same locations-every minute, every hour, every day, for years on end. Does our heart, if repeatedly exposed to heartbreak develop a muscle memory? Memory to endure the next grief?
I've realized some people are just that nonchalant and "cold" when it comes to matters of the heart and compassion. It usually stems from repeated exposure to the same personal issue. However, I who has been brokenhearted- numerous times, and apparently even if the same individual hurts me its truly as if its the first offense it hurts so much.
Have others developed a muscle memory that I haven't?
Is my heart not..."strength" trained to its best ability?
How much more must I endure to develop the same "strength"?
I'm not sure...
Just something to think about...and possibly a training session I haven't prepared myself well for....
Penny For Your Thoughts? I Have a Dollar
There's something about a good comment that further pushes a writer, to well, write. Aside from our personal drive and aspirations, feedback always either propels us further forward or makes us sit still-depending on how much backbone we possess.
Referring to my last post, Snake Bites, I received an anonymous comment that for some reason, sort of stunned me, or made me think or maybe just made me blank for a moment. A moment that for some time, I've truly needed.
I haven't been writing with the frequency that I once used to, that's a fact. Being 24, trying to establish a career and who knows what the hell else, dealing with a "9 to 5", losing it, a recent miscarriage, the Ex-Significant, the current All-Star..well, I'm usually pretty spent. So what was once upon a time where I wrote here in The New Jack near as a religious practice & received a host of comments I couldn't keep up with-is no longer. My views, subscribers and readership has died down as I've neglected myself and this being my usually only form of expression.
When I do get a comment, nowadays, it truly alerts my attention.
The comment from this stranger in my mind poises them as an invisible EMT. As injured as I feel I am, covered in "snake bites" if you will, some stranger gave me their thoughts, in turn making me think...positively-even if just for that blank moment. There's always a paramedic in the ambulance encouraging the injured that they're "going to make it" or "we're almost at the hospital, you're gonna be fine".
Well this strangers comment is serving that purpose.
I could say in cliche, "penny for your thoughts?" but apparently I've just received a full dollar.
And with the power of purchase, who would turn down a dollar over a penny?
Referring to my last post, Snake Bites, I received an anonymous comment that for some reason, sort of stunned me, or made me think or maybe just made me blank for a moment. A moment that for some time, I've truly needed.
I haven't been writing with the frequency that I once used to, that's a fact. Being 24, trying to establish a career and who knows what the hell else, dealing with a "9 to 5", losing it, a recent miscarriage, the Ex-Significant, the current All-Star..well, I'm usually pretty spent. So what was once upon a time where I wrote here in The New Jack near as a religious practice & received a host of comments I couldn't keep up with-is no longer. My views, subscribers and readership has died down as I've neglected myself and this being my usually only form of expression.
When I do get a comment, nowadays, it truly alerts my attention.
The comment from this stranger in my mind poises them as an invisible EMT. As injured as I feel I am, covered in "snake bites" if you will, some stranger gave me their thoughts, in turn making me think...positively-even if just for that blank moment. There's always a paramedic in the ambulance encouraging the injured that they're "going to make it" or "we're almost at the hospital, you're gonna be fine".
Well this strangers comment is serving that purpose.
I could say in cliche, "penny for your thoughts?" but apparently I've just received a full dollar.
And with the power of purchase, who would turn down a dollar over a penny?
Hello,
Not sure how I ventured across your blog but I have & though I am nothing more than anonymous, I have found myself feeling the urge to reply.
During the course of my visit today, I have read several of your postings & while I could very well be incorrect in my interpretations - I have only the words you've written by which to go off of - to me the picture that is painted onto the canvas of a stranger is that of a sensitive soul who takes a lot to heart, while trying to maintain an outward appearance which runs to the opposite. If I am wrong in that deduction than please by all means disregard me as yet another random soul who fails at psychology.
In this life the most important lessons - & often the hardest - to be learned will always come from those closest to you. Just as you learn the meaning of love & affection from family, you will also discover the multiple levels of disappointment & heartbreak from those whom you've chosen to invest yourself. Regarding the negative, it is a natural response when faced with the level of emotional abuse that you apparently have endured from someone who claimed to care, that you would in some form or fashion attempt to hold yourself responsible for their transgressions & question your self-worth. After all if you hadn't somehow failed in your role as a woman than your "Ex-Significant " wouldn't have run around on you, right?
Natural reaction surely, but is it correct…?? - The obvious answer is "No" but the reasoning behind such thoughts merits further discussion -
It sometimes bears reminding that taking a step back from a situation when you begin to feel overwhelmed amongst the muck & mire will often help to propel one to the proper solution. If you remove subjectivity from the equation - difficult as it may be - you see that this great wide world is made up of all sorts of people. There are doctors who donate their time to fix cleft palates in the 3rd world & then there are those who scam Medicare. There are Lawyers who champion the underprivileged & too many who chase ambulances with $$$ signs reflected in their eyes. Parents who raise their children to be upstanding citizens & those who lead their children down the road of thuggary/vice. People who back their words of affection with like action & people who lie/manipulate with no regard to others feelings in order to further their own agendas. And there is also an articulate blogger with a wounded heart who rages against herself & a beautiful woman risen from the ashen remains left by a lesson fed her against her will; strengthened by the knowledge that she persevered in the face of such adversity.
I'm going to bookmark this site & check back in a few days, allow you to read my comments & decide for yourself whether or not you might have any interest in sharing some dialogue with an anonymous such as myself, who has been there.
I wish you the best of luck in your journey & will simply leave off with on elast thought…
The intial harm never can be antcipated but once an individual has caused you that pain, they can not hurt you further unless you provide them with the leeway to do so.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Snake Bites
"When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life"-Lindsay Lohan as Cady in Mean Girls
It's true though...
I have so much to say about all the poison that I've been so focused in late 2010 with removing. I had a set back, and stopped sucking out the venom in temporary happiness with positive developments in my life. Slowly, the venom has been spreading back across my veins because I thought I got rid of it all and started ignoring what was left over.
It's 2011. It's true, it's a new and better year for me. However, I'm not operating how I once was in keeping that positivity because I'm realizing that some poisons of 2010 and even 2009 still exist.
The Ex-Significant still wants to come back. I'm beyond in love with the All-Star, and the All-Star and I are blissfully in love, have been, with adult and mutual understandings on the state of affairs of our "relationship". Only we understand each other and our mutual plans and though I don't necessarily need other people to understand "us" because we do and that's all that matters, it wouldn't hurt if I had friends I could turn to about "us". Not to express anything negative, just wishing I had friends who could open their hearts and minds and truly hear what I have to say and understand "us".
More importantly, I'm realizing day by day how much the Ex-Significant still plays a role in my life-negatively. It influences issues, brought on by me with the All-Star, it influences my heart-negatively in terms of belief.
For example, dating the Ex-Significant for as long as I did and all the things he's put me through..I've come to realize that I started to believe that this is just what relationships are. You, the woman, love said man..you're dedicated and what not, and the man cheats-repeatedly, and you just continue on your "merry" way. As it's not "expected" that a man will be faithful to one woman for the rest of his life. It hasn't been until recent in depth conversations with the All-Star that I've realized how fucked up my perception has become from dating one person.
The issue is..........I still can't shake these beliefs. No matter how much the All-Star, friends, you name it, try to drill it into my head that its NOT normal for people to cheat, lie, abuse you etc. I'm not sure what it is but it doesn't stick with me. I feel as if, I'm going to get married one day and my husband, whoever he may be, is not going to come home to me every night for the rest of his life and its something that I just have to accept. If I don't, I'm going to spend my life looking for a man that doesn't exist.
Now, I could easily say to myself-"well, you've already been proven wrong in your time of dating the All-Star, and its factual and you have literal proof" but as much as that's so, the work of the Ex-Significant keeps returning to my brain. I don't take what any man says to me seriously, it's not a bias towards the All-Star because we're dating, its all men. I feel like as a woman, I have to just accept these things because they'll happen sooner or later regardless of what man I'm with.
I didn't realize that the snake bites of the Ex-Significant were so deep.....nearly two years later deep. But, they are.
His "works" affect my every belief, they weigh me down and distort my self esteem. I feel empty and worthless. I raise myself in positivity and then I get shocked with a past memory or some negative mistreatment from him that speaks to my mind and says "you were treated this way, because you weren't good enough...and soon enough, no matter who it is the All-Star or someone else will do the same to you because its not them, its you". All of these feelings despite that there is no ammunition from the All-Star, there really isnt. Nor is there from the invisible men that I haven't met yet.
My new boss invokes panic attacks in me by construing the same beliefs-that I'm not good enough and that I need to get my "fucking shit done".
Another bite, another snake in my life, and more poison.
And the poison has taken over my body so much so that nearly two weeks ago, I tried to commit suicide, overwhelmed with venom.
So, here I am.
Swollen, with pain, venom coursing through my veins and trying to find a way to suck the poison out. Just like Cady said: "When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life" I know that's what I have to do to continue to move forward in positivity, but, I'm genuinely stuck. The pain I still feel from the Ex-Significant's work is still hard, when he calls and apologies incessantly and tries to work things out and I stand back and realize-"you've fucked me up-for the current man, for the next man and I may not ever keep a man because you've fucked me up"
I don't feel worth anything because I'm so filled with venom..and I need to suck the poison out. I need to suck all the poison out of my life, I just don't know how to handle multiple snake bites and so much poison in my system all at once.
It's true though...
I have so much to say about all the poison that I've been so focused in late 2010 with removing. I had a set back, and stopped sucking out the venom in temporary happiness with positive developments in my life. Slowly, the venom has been spreading back across my veins because I thought I got rid of it all and started ignoring what was left over.
It's 2011. It's true, it's a new and better year for me. However, I'm not operating how I once was in keeping that positivity because I'm realizing that some poisons of 2010 and even 2009 still exist.
The Ex-Significant still wants to come back. I'm beyond in love with the All-Star, and the All-Star and I are blissfully in love, have been, with adult and mutual understandings on the state of affairs of our "relationship". Only we understand each other and our mutual plans and though I don't necessarily need other people to understand "us" because we do and that's all that matters, it wouldn't hurt if I had friends I could turn to about "us". Not to express anything negative, just wishing I had friends who could open their hearts and minds and truly hear what I have to say and understand "us".
More importantly, I'm realizing day by day how much the Ex-Significant still plays a role in my life-negatively. It influences issues, brought on by me with the All-Star, it influences my heart-negatively in terms of belief.
For example, dating the Ex-Significant for as long as I did and all the things he's put me through..I've come to realize that I started to believe that this is just what relationships are. You, the woman, love said man..you're dedicated and what not, and the man cheats-repeatedly, and you just continue on your "merry" way. As it's not "expected" that a man will be faithful to one woman for the rest of his life. It hasn't been until recent in depth conversations with the All-Star that I've realized how fucked up my perception has become from dating one person.
The issue is..........I still can't shake these beliefs. No matter how much the All-Star, friends, you name it, try to drill it into my head that its NOT normal for people to cheat, lie, abuse you etc. I'm not sure what it is but it doesn't stick with me. I feel as if, I'm going to get married one day and my husband, whoever he may be, is not going to come home to me every night for the rest of his life and its something that I just have to accept. If I don't, I'm going to spend my life looking for a man that doesn't exist.
Now, I could easily say to myself-"well, you've already been proven wrong in your time of dating the All-Star, and its factual and you have literal proof" but as much as that's so, the work of the Ex-Significant keeps returning to my brain. I don't take what any man says to me seriously, it's not a bias towards the All-Star because we're dating, its all men. I feel like as a woman, I have to just accept these things because they'll happen sooner or later regardless of what man I'm with.
I didn't realize that the snake bites of the Ex-Significant were so deep.....nearly two years later deep. But, they are.
His "works" affect my every belief, they weigh me down and distort my self esteem. I feel empty and worthless. I raise myself in positivity and then I get shocked with a past memory or some negative mistreatment from him that speaks to my mind and says "you were treated this way, because you weren't good enough...and soon enough, no matter who it is the All-Star or someone else will do the same to you because its not them, its you". All of these feelings despite that there is no ammunition from the All-Star, there really isnt. Nor is there from the invisible men that I haven't met yet.
My new boss invokes panic attacks in me by construing the same beliefs-that I'm not good enough and that I need to get my "fucking shit done".
Another bite, another snake in my life, and more poison.
And the poison has taken over my body so much so that nearly two weeks ago, I tried to commit suicide, overwhelmed with venom.
So, here I am.
Swollen, with pain, venom coursing through my veins and trying to find a way to suck the poison out. Just like Cady said: "When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life" I know that's what I have to do to continue to move forward in positivity, but, I'm genuinely stuck. The pain I still feel from the Ex-Significant's work is still hard, when he calls and apologies incessantly and tries to work things out and I stand back and realize-"you've fucked me up-for the current man, for the next man and I may not ever keep a man because you've fucked me up"
I don't feel worth anything because I'm so filled with venom..and I need to suck the poison out. I need to suck all the poison out of my life, I just don't know how to handle multiple snake bites and so much poison in my system all at once.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Class. Intelligence. Adulthood
I've been seeing some tweets and facebook statuses that I have to politely admit are getting on my last nerve. I think it's just that they literally DON'T make sense.
If one is an adult, must we announce "On my grown shit! Ya'll catch up" or "Handling my business cause I'm GROWN son! Get your money up!!"?
Are these SENSIBLE announcements?
I think the severe LACK of adulthood that people are not realizing they ACTUALLY POSSESS in saying these phrases is what irks me. Immensely.
This is what I have to say about all these varied statuses:
Class. Intelligence. Adult behavior..these things don't need a mouthpiece..especially from you. These behaviors speak for themselves. If you have class, it will show; if you're an adult don't announce you're on your grown and if you're intelligent your words will dazzle us.
If one is an adult, must we announce "On my grown shit! Ya'll catch up" or "Handling my business cause I'm GROWN son! Get your money up!!"?
Are these SENSIBLE announcements?
I think the severe LACK of adulthood that people are not realizing they ACTUALLY POSSESS in saying these phrases is what irks me. Immensely.
This is what I have to say about all these varied statuses:
Class. Intelligence. Adult behavior..these things don't need a mouthpiece..especially from you. These behaviors speak for themselves. If you have class, it will show; if you're an adult don't announce you're on your grown and if you're intelligent your words will dazzle us.
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