They Don't Know

It may seem foolish to many, however, this is my favorite R&B song...ever.
I literally remember being in a car being driven around Brooklyn staring at a full moon was the first time I ever heard this song. Even furthermore, it just seems like I have a knack for winding up with the men who are split in halves....
The side that everyone else knows and sees regularly and then the side that I usually have to tell people that they don't know about this here...

It's complicated.
It's far from the nicest position to be in when you want everyone to know the good of a person and that same person only insists on showing off the bad. And so, you wind up in the position of still having to explain and half argue to everyone that they don't know.

What I've realized though, is that a man can drive you to a point of no return that makes you inquire....
Do I know?
I'm insisting that they don't know, but do I really know?

In my last relationship, I couldn't have been proven more wrong about anything...
Because, they did know and I didn't have a clue..

The Equation

The relationship equation is simple:A+B=C. You are A. They are B. C is the relationship. Do the math. To change C for the better, you can only alter A. Only A.

Cleaning Out Our Closet

Ok,

So it's beyond evident that since my breakup with The Ex-Significant I've gone into a weird, dark, sort through mode. Something similar to Rihanna in her Rated R phase where after everything that took place for her, things are just in pieces and you sort of have to buckle down as much as it hurts and put together the pieces again. The thing is, as you go about doing this, the pieces do not form the same person. It's a whole new "beast" as sorts that you've created.
I've thought I've cleaned up.
Or rather....cleaned out...

But apparently, when you think you've wiped everything down there's always a spot you've overlooked.
And apparently, people are cleaning out their closets as much as I have been.

It's safe for me to truly say, that the Ex-Significant and I are two new people. Over the last 8 months I've changed so much mentally, and truly so has he.
It's sad when you look back and say, "Haiti was already the poorest country in the entire world and it took an earthquake that slaughtered over 200,000 people for OTHER people to realize that Haiti needs their help." It took an earthquake for people to change.

Well, it's the same parallel with the Ex-Significant; it took an earthquake to instill change.
We've had nearly the most honest conversation ever.
I mean from drugs...
....to marriage....
...to more cheating.......
.......to that he got his ex-girlfriend pregnant while he was dating me.....

We literally started cleaning out our old closet.
Cobwebs that all parties weren't aware of.
We started cleaning it out.

And no missiles were fired. No gunshots. Not even a screaming match. Not one curse word was thrown.
Not...one.

And I can't even cry.
You think you can. Trust me.
You hear certain news, and even if it was a month ago or even a year ago, you say to yourself it hurts so much that I could still cry about it now in this present moment.
And then, your soul hits a level of sorrow that your eyes are physically dry. Your eyes have cried so much and so often that it's truly as if in this moment of pain that your eyes go numb and not a single tear can be formulated. Your nose doesn't burn, tingle or turn red in anticipation of tears. Your ears don't itch. You don''t even get that heavy feeling in your stomach. Your heart rate doesn't change, it doesn't speed up as it should. You just know....that your soul aches.

Your soul aches.

It's the rawest conversation I've ever had with him.
And after it all...

I miss him.

Those are the only two things I know...
That my soul aches and that, I miss him.

Breakeven

Written on 2/2/2010:

I have to breakeven now.

Instead, all I've been doing is breaking down.

It's crazy that in two months, I'll be 24 years old and I'm realizing for the first time in these 23.82 years that it's ok to break down. Especially when the people closest to you know the truth. It's ok to be vulnerable.

People take advantage of people not because something is wrong with that person, or because that person is necessarily weak. I've always felt that I've been preyed upon because of 'weakness'. In turn, I've become a sort of monster.

I truly have. A beast of sorts.

I do lash out. Near constantly.

I scream. At levels that would break a child to tears and make any adult flee in fear.

I do this because I hurt so much. I handle mental pain so horribly. My tolerance for physical pain 1000 times exceeds the tolerance for anyone remotely telling me my shoes are ugly.

Or that my blouse is not their "cup of tea".

To quote The Script, "I'm falling to pieces".

I truly, truly have been. It's been brewing for years now. Maybe even as far back as my grandmother passing in 2005. I've been a wild child.
No sense of direction.
Random spurts of direction and focus.
Everything else chaotic, messy and just plain wild. Living on the edge and damn near letting people push me off of it. Patience, out the damn window the day she died.

I'm not erasing what has happened. Or attempting to erase all the pain I've felt and even currently feel, but I have to at some point just breakeven. I have to.

The pain isn't progressing me, it isn't building me, it's been destroying me. It pushes away the people that I'm most close to, and if I think I'm feeling pain now...just imagine if all the pain that I lash out on the surface were to push these people away permanently.

That's a pain I don't want to imagine, or more importantly endure.

I'm in love with this same All-Star that I wasn't supposed to fall for in the first place. I'm letting it warp my mind to the point that I'm not breaking even, again I'm breaking down. We had an honest conversation and he loves me but he isn't in love with me. There's a difference that sometimes even I don't differentiate from. I wish it was the latter. I wish so much that he felt the same way I do that he's IN love with me. But I have to be real. I have to breakeven. Though my heart aches and all I think of is that the perfect person for me isn't in love with me..you have to break. How can you entitle the same privileges as a significant other to someone who isn't your significant other and has no desire to be.

Its hard though. When you know how your heart feels and that person tells you they love you..that they need you. You sink. You drown..in love and passion. Someway, somehow you're supposed to just put the breaks on and remind yourself "hey, you're never going to get anything out of this..they aren't IN love with you". When it comes to that, how do you breakeven.

I can't even breakeven with the Ex-Significant. He wants me back but after 3 1/2 years of irreconcilable damage..I can't take him back. To him, breaking even would be getting back together and to me that's not even, that's breaking me into more pieces that he's aided in creating.

No thank you.

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing"..hell, I'd just like to breathe in general. I'd like to go a week with no tears. I'd like to go a week without any repairs to ME to be made. Without some love longing for someone I cannot have or some situation I have no power to alter. I just want to breathe if that's ok with anyone.

Anyone.

You'd think my heart has hurt for so long over so much one would ask, "what does one need in order to numb out?" At this point not even elephant tranquilizers seem to be doing the trick. I respect pain now, and its not that I don't want to remove the ability to feel..I just want to feel happy.

I just want to breakeven and breathe easy. Just for awhile.

"I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing"...my goal now has to be to just breathe easy.

Heart of the Matter

I told him...

I told him about his lies and the 10 story wall he's put up. I told him that I used to hate him. I believe in Jesus, and that I truly don't believe in hate anymore. I told him he's guarded and translated his nightmare. The nightmare where he told me that he was blindfolded on a bridge, and that I told him "fuck you, jump off". I told him that I don't believe anymore that he ever loved me. Nothing he did in 3 years to display love made sense. I told him he has no core values and is full of disrespect. I told him I realize a new evil that he's committed against me in the last 3 and a half years, every single day.

I told him I shouldve left him two years earlier. I told that he is broken inside because he practices hatred for his father. A hatred for his father that he's yet to solve at 27 years of age, and that he always spilled and took out on me. He always punished me, solely for loving him as if the crimes against him done by his father were done by me. I told him I went through stages: sadness, frustration, mental instability & hatred. I'm leaving hatred and entering a healing stage. Like I said, Jesus doesn't want me to hate so I focus on not doing so, and not spreading it.

But I told him. I told him everything. Everything.

The Ex-Significant came to my house last night. In efforts to re-kindle and salvage what we had after I've broken up with him, permanently, months ago. He showed up around 9:30 and departed at midnight.

Now, when I think of it. It felt like 5 minutes.

Like the most liberating 5 minutes I've ever experienced.

I let out every dark demon against him in my soul. In my entire soul. Everything I suppressed, everything that's made me ugly and angry and frustrated and feel trapped inside of myself. I told him things that I haven't been able to say to ANYONE about how much I've hated him and how much I loved him at one point in my life. I opened up about all the levels of fuckery he's put the two of us through...and that I'm working on forgiving him as a PERSON, not for HIM, but for me. For my own peace. For my own quest to be closer to God.

I quoted things from the Bible.

I told him that I resented him.

That I'll never forget how much money I've shelled out, versus him and now I'm dirt poor with nothing to show for it and he is the one with the high paying job.

How he destroyed my self-esteem by incessantly cheating, no matter what I've done

I told him to talk to his father, if he really wants to get his life together. To learn to forgive.

Forgive your father for leaving you, and your mother. Forgive your father for not being there. Forgive him for creating a black hole in your heart that only I know how deep it is and how much it kills you and how much you lie awake at night. Fill the hole with forgiveness.

Because that's what I'm learning to do, forgive.

I'm learning to forgive my mother. For all the years of lacking to love me. To treat me right. To enable a true mother-daughter relationship. For all her resentment and mistreatment. For her neglect. For providing me with a life that will never truly know what its like to have an open, honest, happy relationship with a mother. Regardless of this, I'm learning to forgive.

I'm learning to forgive my friends. Certain people, wasting their lives away. Making nothing for themselves, that I associate myself with and I'm judged, negatively for this association. I'm forgiving them for their lack of desire. For their lack of change. For their overflow of ignorance. For their lack of appreciation. For their lack of regard for their own very lives.

I'm learning to forgive the Ex-Significant. For years of crying. For aiding in destroying my self-esteem. For a web of unnecessary lies and deceit. For destruction of trust. For his lack of core values. For his inability to forgive. For his past. For our past.

I'm learning to forgive myself.

I'm learning to appreciate myself.

I'm not as unattractive as I believe I am. And, yeah, maybe I do have some writing skills I can give myself some credit for..if so many other people enjoy my writing so much. I'm unhappy with my weight, but I don't look as horrific as I tell myself I do. I am funny. I am loyal, and there's nothing wrong with loyalty. I'm learning to stop hating myself. I'm trying to raise my self-esteem. I am creative, and I have an empire I want to build... and what I'm trying to do, I'm learning to tell myself that it's not impossible. I'm learning that even though my mother's presence in my life is only physical, I'll survive and get things done with or without her support. I'm learning it will not kill me to remain single for awhile longer. I'm reminding myself not to give up on true love, and that it's not foolish to still believe in it. I'm learning what its truly like to be abused by someone you love in the shadows and no one on the forefront know about it. I know the difference between love and abuse. I'm learning to forgive my body, and forgive those who think that my curves were only supplied by God for their sexual pleasures. I'm learning that its not ok to allow people to use me as a sexual object. I'm learning to forgive people who judge me by my appearance. Those who say "your face just looks angry no matter what". God gave me this face, and I'm learning that there's nothing wrong with it. Absolutely nothing. I'm more than what people try to force me to believe I am. So much more than that. And I'm learning to forgive those who don't want to know what it is, that makes me, me.

Because after the heart of the matter, all that truly matters is .... forgiveness.

New Jack Update: Red Kool-Aid

"Water doesn't attract roaches, but red flavored kool-aid does though".

This quote was directed at me last night, and to be quite honest I don't know how to feel about it. I do genuinely believe that I need a break from men...after all that's transpired within the last 3 years of The Ex-Significant/MVP and now with the relationship 300% done you can't just jump into something else the following Thursday. I've been single for 3 months now, which is not nearly as long of a break as I need to take, agreed with the general public however at times my feelings for an All-Star consume me.

As much as I feel for him, and part of me agrees he feels for me I'm realizing that I'm starting to fear him. He's not classless like The Ex-Significant was, and there are particular things that I know I would never expect to see from him ever, however he has his own potential to cause me grave pain. Daily, that's becoming more and more knowledgeable.

I know the theory, that you can't find out if something is right for you if you don't 'jump' into the air and see if you're caught. There's a 50% chance you'll be caught, there's also a very prominent 50% chance that you wont be and your skull will be cracked.
What my friendly counter parts seem to not understand is that I'm not pushing, rushing or accelerating anything. I'm truly not. Just because I'm aware that I personally need a break, and I am TAKING one doesn't mean my brain just shuts off and I don't see...it doesn't mean I don't feel anything either.

It doesn't mean that I don't hope or dream. Desire or want.

The simplicity that I know I need a break, I took a minute and stopped sleeping with the men I was sleeping with because I know it wasn't going to do any good. Sleeping with them was only embodying to them that I'm only something worth sleeping with..not more than that. I can't express a general frustration that I have in just the sexual desire part of it because apparently it makes me look bad..like "red koolaid" which "attracts roaches". It recently started to fuck with my head, when someone I know who CLEARLY has a girlfriend )that everyone knows her too)contacted me because he wants to have a side line relationship with me. Mind you, he's not MY friend, he's a friend of someone else that's close to me and we NEVER speak really but he apparently looked at me and felt CONFIDENT enough to contact me because I look like not 'girlfriend' material but great 'mistress' material. No matter how I change my look, physically and no matter how much I don't even speak to put the WRONG image of me out there men always think I'm just mistress material. Women are always threatened and intimidated by me on the assumption that I'm mistress material.

I'm not a mistress or dominatrix, nor do I try to be. It's one thing to do put on a show for the man I'm dating, but I don't apply this to "random nigga number 5".

It's making me sick.

A couple of people told me that long hair adds too much to my sex appeal. Hell in efforts to change things for 2010, I've already cut it all off to underneath my chin to reduce the "sex appeal" if that helps. I've only had it for 2 weeks and I haven't gone out in a public setting to determine whether its helping or not..but people still assume that I'm just perfect mistress material.

It saddens me, and I feel sort of hopeless about the matter. I feel as if I just have to be alone and I can't even generally express my discontent about it without being wrong in some facet. I can't express my loneliness because it makes me look weak. I can't express my sexual frustration because that poises me as a whore. I can't express my sadness because that results in pity and me appearing to be pathetic. I can't dress, act, speak or express in a certain manner because that "attracts roaches".
I went from a couple to being a single woman, and all of a sudden all my freedom of expression about MY situation just got stripped from me.

With love and with my friends, I feel as if I just cannot win.
And apparently all the red kool-aid I'm covered in has got me stuck in a sticky place.

New Jack Update: Setting Up Shop

It's as if I've caught fever...
But I guess, it's a fever I don't want to sweat out. But this fever, I tell you, it's lit fire under my skin and made a lot of things move for me.

I was repeatedly given advice to worry about me, and me only for awhile. My feelings for The Ex-Significant as well as just the positioning of others in my life was always too much to make me do just that. And, I'll admit for two months, I didn't. I was 200% worried about The Ex-Significant and an All-Star that I had an insane amount of feelings for, none of the time worrying about myself but more so, what would be the end result. Better put, it was always about what am I going to 'get' not, what's going to happen 'to' me. After two months, you may have to just admit to yourself that your ideas are just not working and maybe it's time to try something different.

So I have...

I've buried myself into the project of finding a job, not necessarily a salaried job, but a decent job that will pay the bills and that I can merrily more than tolerate. In the short span of three weeks of making that my sole focus, I got hired as a full-time account key holder at Perfumania. So far, I like my co-workers, I get paid a base pay as well as make a commission. Enough, if used correctly, to pay my bills and start saving and making my goals come true in 2010. I'm not going to lie, not only me, myself but pretty much all of my friends have had an awful, stressful and corrupt 2009. Job losses, deaths, financial woes that words can't describe, loves lost...the list is too long and it doesn't solely apply to me. I'm using 2010 as a starting over point. Not just an, "oh 2010 is going to be great and who knows what will happen after that". No.
I want 2010 to be the beginning of the rest of my life. In positivity. In abundance. I don't want to work for anyone else, I want to work for myself. Doing what I love. And I want to spend the rest of 2009 just preparing and organizing for the first new day of the rest of my beautiful life. 1/1/10.

There will be setbacks. There will be haters. But, the beauty of my life will not dissipate.

With that being said, I'm going to edit The New Jack. No more frivolous posts.
The New Jack is two years old, and in two years from this post, today I want to see that I've continued to grow and make change. That I've truly come to see the beauty in life. The beauty in every day. That I've helped people. That in some way, I'm assisting putting someone at peace. I don't care how many page views The New Jack gets anymore, because it's not about publicity...it's about life & love. The only two things that truly matter.

So in 2010, The New Jack will get a much simpler face lift....
What will be about publicity wont be my life as The New Jack, but Shoes From Last Night-the online and hopefully, physical shoe boutique that I'm setting up and Dulce de Cocoa-a candy & clothing line that I'm working on simultaneously that will donate proceeds to Action Against Hunger.

All this activity, thought and movement has literally happened in a span of two weeks. It's like I said, its as if I've caught fever. But in actuality, its the best fever I've ever caught. And this is what happens when you apply yourself to you. I have a passion to move. A passion to grow. A passion to change. A passion to assist in change. A passion for my future and the future of others.

So, I'm setting up shop.
Setting up shop for others.
And, setting up shop for my life.

50 Cent Update: Baby By Me

Featuring Ne-Yo

The only adorable thing 50 Cent has done recently...

New Jack Update: Stalker Tactics

There has to obviously be something I'm missing...some correlation between the two that I just don't see...

These days my family is insistent upon things I don't see and apparently that I'm doing that is detrimental to myself.

I don't see them, or at least, not all of them. That's honesty.

This is a door

























This is a window..







































































They're points of entry way to one's home and if used correctly they provide a non-coerced entry into ones home. When denied entry, they can be used against the owner of the home in the fits of a forced entry.

Maybe, I'm not ready for this...for him..

There are no doubts in my mind that I want the All-Star and that he would be an ideal man for me, however..as a single man if you cant control your chickens then one should clean out the coop.

Just a thought.....

I don't do stalkers. Surprise visits-at least by parties that should know its not their place to surprise me, because I actually LOVE surprises; Doorbells ringing 4 times at minutes to 2am; People who wait outside of peoples homes, etc.
This is the correlation: The one human that I loathe, my mother, as much as she didn't raise me because we have no connection with one another she inadvertently trained my mind that I'm too good to chase after any man on this planet. A combination of my looks, intelligence and pride is too much for me to stalk any man. Any. And though I have grown to despise her more, we both share the same sentiment of confusion when women stalk men. WORSE so, if this man is not your husband.
It's something that leaves my mind truly blank.
The only thing that fills the space is that the more I draw close to this man, the more I feel and I'm throwing myself at him, meanwhile he's throwing himself at everyone else.

All of us chickens in the coop get fed, but some are apparently laying golden eggs, some of them just plain white eggs and I'm failing to produce at all. We're all aware that we're part of a coop..all "97" of us "chickens" but the name of the game is who is going to be the farmer's favorite.

Or in the end will the Farmer just pick a pig instead..
All it evokes in me is fear.

I don't know if I should be more fearful of the other chickens trying to pluck my feathers off one by one, or of knowing that I'm not the only chicken that the Farmer wants is just as painful as grabbing a handful of my feathers at one time. Or should I fear like the other chickens that he may not choose any of us, but a totally different animal..one we've never saw coming.

And as I laid awake, hearing a chicken ring door bells, and wait outside of a home in full on stalker mode to get to the farmer..I fought my tears.
Tears of gratefulness that maybe, Mother dear was good for something besides destroying my soul-she made me too prideful to call a man back more than once, to ring doorbells and wait outside homes.. Tears of guilt, that someone has to feel something for the Farmer the way I do..to stalk. Tears of anger and frustration that if I ever became the chosen chicken, will it always be a life of someone lurking around in efforts to pluck all my feathers?

But I didn't cry in front of the Farmer..I won't open up my soul that much until a soul is opened up to me; a mistake I've made too many a time before. And I didn't cry driving home, even though the heat of my tears brimming burned my eyes.

But I cry now, at home.
Upon entry, after a fight with my mother, upstairs behind a closed door, I can cry now.

Cry over losing her.
Cry over always being left in the coop.
Cry in absolute fear.

I can cry now.

New Jack Update: I Just Hide Behind The Tears of a Clown

"Don't let them say you ain't beautiful...just stay true to you.."

I'm finding that the prospect of me staying true to me, when it's absolutely most necessary to my brain that I need to be, is becoming single-handedly the hardest thing my heart has had to do these days.

It's always been instilled to me that its imperative that one stays true to their most inner being, the soul, the representative of self. It's always been construed that when one doesn't do as such that they can ..seemingly lose themselves,in the worst way. In some cases, literally, look at some mental patients. My fear is that, I'm on the road to losing myself.

I'm terrified to be alone with my own feelings right now. Worse so terrified to be alone with my own pain. It seems that the more I don't want to be alone with my own pain and feelings, it seems the more I am. I spoke to my BFF recently about my reluctance to even speak with her on the matters at hand that currently fog my brain..in the last couple months she's delegated some tough love that I don't need in the least right now. I need a more nurturing spirit at this time, as if...nurturing something inside of me. It's as if, all this pain and all these feelings swirling inside me are brewing something..or conjuring up a beast of sorts within an egg inside me. Taking that outlook, I feel that the more tough love I get, is only going to nurture the egg the wrong way..and when it hatches, God help everyone if that's the case. I feel that if I were to come across more nurturing spirits, whatever comes out of this "egg" when I heal will be for the better. I don't know if anyone truly grasps how fragile I currently am.

Everyone deems me as "the strong one" and this is the second time I've ever felt so weak in my entire life. The same powerless, fragile, empty floating feeling I had when my grandmother passed. Everyone showered me with the same, "But Deidre, you've always been the strong one" then why do I feel like I'm dying.

Why do I feel like I'm losing pieces of my soul entirely...
Why do I feel as if I'm trying to make a better me, and the circumstances have been flipped in such a direction that instead of thinking outside the box..I'm trapped in it..
Why do I cry everyday..
Why do I not sleep at night..
Why does one man I wanted have nothing in his life together, and the current man I want have everything in his life together but doesn't solely want me..
Why am I hiding from my best friend, and myself all at the same time..

I'm so alone. Partly in truth, and partly by choice. People want to help me, others want me to just man up when I simply currently cannot and no one can help me all at the same time.

I'm aware of everything and nothing at the same time. The only thing I feel like I'm truly knowledgeable of..is how much pain and how depressed I am. I might acknowledge it publicly via Twitter here and there, in which my best friend and I even got into something about that the other day..but out of everything I don't know, I do I'm in a lot of pain. I do know that when I'm out with friends, I fight to not have a breakdown and in truth, "I just hide behind the tears of a clown". The pain of wanting and needing so much on so many various levels and having nor in close reach of any of it. That's whats knowledgeable to me. That's what I feel around the clock.

But I still laugh. I still crack all the good jokes in public. That's what clowns do as long as their makeup is on, the show must go on.

And I wonder...if "I'd be one tough act to follow"then why do the men in my life fuck up so much..
If "I'd be one tough act to follow"..then why do people see it so necessary to hurt me until I leave them..

With all the clown makeup on, I wonder how much longer until my face paint cracks..

Though I've hit The Turning Point, I've again found it hard to remember sometimes that all my struggles are for a reason. I'm not overcoming them, they're taking over my body.
Taking over me in the same symbiotic fashion that Venom did Spiderman...

Spiderman prevailed at the end realizing that soundwaves of a bell were able to pull the symbiont off of him..
Where is my bell to ring..because I'm more than knee deep in Venom..

New Jack Update: The Pleasure Principle

Maybe, it's a bit harder than I think it all is...

I'm not trying to discourage myself but maybe this is going to be way harder than I thought. I truly thought I found the motivation I so needed to do all the "get right" plans I had laid out and I'm thinking it all over slowly and realizing maybe I haven't. At least, the love portion of it all....

The All Star left a slightly bad taste in my mouth as I've been detecting a lack of sincerity from him. It's like an ode to New Jack..minus the ode. In the midst of all this I truly am missing The Significant (or newly donned, the MVP if you will) but I know it's not the right time.

I've found the All Star to be confusing...and afraid of commitment. One minute he wants to be the best of friends, the next he wants to be my everything. 85% of the time when I think of him, I think of him as being my everything. I can't imagine sometimes just a friendship with him. We fit each other way too well and I have the sixth sense that he's just right for me then again, if he didn't have so many complications within himself..
But who am I to call it complications if one is comfortable with their situation. The All Star has made it clear to me he's content-he wants no commitment at this time & simultaneously is making his..rounds if you will. I currently hold the position of 1 of 4 women that is sharing him. Something that drives me up the wall and back down, as in my faulty childhood, sharing is something I never did...no need to start sharing now. I feel such a depth with him that I truly haven't felt with anyone. An abillity to reveal myself and not be a fault, not be concerned about opinions and incessantly apologize for who I am, an abilitiy to not hide myself. What I experience in terms of depth and speech is truly something I've yet to experience with any man or woman. It's a whole nother playing field. The times I have to apologize for how i feel, the constant misconstrued thoughts, no one who can directly relate with a lot of what I feel or have to say..it exists in him. Let's not even begin to add on that his head is actually on straight..he's had his own apartment since the age of 20, and is currently talking to real estate to get a house to say the least.

I guess it make you wonder why a house is necessary if you have no one to put in it..or maybe that's my confusion, cause he has plenty of us women to put in the apartment..
We spoke about so much in person last night and thought it was a good conversation..but it basically ended in, I am special to him, but he's not going to cmmit ot me and it's my choice alone if I don't want to to deal with being "1 of 4" or more..
Alas, he tells me he'd treat me no different, his feelings would change not..

But what about mine..

What about the notification that this person is mirror image perfect to match me and I'll never have them. Or to have them I have to have a small army attached to him at the same time. Again, sharing wasn't my forte as a child..

At the same time that my heart aches that I will never truly have the All Star, The Significant, I just miss him terribly. Sometimes, I don't think I miss him nearly as much as I do and then today, just the sound of his voice makes me want to cry in an agony that I wish to someone I could fully explain. An emptiness that I sit and hold my knees to my chest..for an hour and just rock back and forth..
Sometimes an emptiness that I don't feel hunger, or rather don't know when to stop eating..
Its an emptiness that I cast my eyes downward regularly and actually feel the space within my chest every single time I take a deep breath in..
I watch cartoons until 3..4 am. Or I sleep early, 9-10PM and awake at 2 or 3am wishing he was in the same bed as me and will be awake until 4..5..sometimes even 6am. My sleeping patterns are destroyed. I thought I knew what exhaustion was..until a combination of my thyroid not being controlled with medication and general lack of sleep over him begun. I thought I knew what exhaustion was...THIS is exhaustion. But I torture myself in pain, in hopes that I will one day get the pleasure with The Significant that I want...the principle of the matter..

At the end of the day..I guess it's all the pleasure principle.

The All Star seeks pleasure himself without regard, in order for him to have it with me, and I in turn have it with him I have to accept that I'll never have this man. It'll be a sweet dream and beautiful nightmare all at the same time. To touch something, to hold something, to feel something and to look something directly in the eyes and know that it will never ever be solely yours. But in efforts to keep pleasure, I torture myself in pain at the same time. I question if my tolerance for pain is high only because of the pleasure principle involved. Does it make me temporarily forget how much pain I'm slowly entering into? The pleasure of a freedom within myself that I've never experienced and don't want to let go of, is it worth all the pain that I might soon embark. The shackles of pain and restrictions on myself within just my friendships has been enough to drive my ideals to moving to California..and yet now, I've finally found it. A man, that I slowly could be falling for who accepts me wholeheartedly for me as no one on this planet has..and I'm going to torture myself for pleasure.
Even though, to him sometimes much to my confusion, I might be just a sex object. I'm sorry that I fail to understand "you are special to me"..and I have a toothbrush at his apartment, but there are never any less than 4-5 toothbrushes in that same bathroom.

I am not a sex object. My heart beats and I feel.

And to the All Star, whatever the reasoning is that you're terrified to commit and feel the need to be engaged with 4 women at one time:

"I'm not here to feed your insecurities..I wanted you to love me".-Janet Jackson

Janet Jackson - The Pleasure Principle
Uploaded by UniversalMusicGroup. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

New Jack Update: Get Right

I'm trying to focus on doing just that...
Getting Right...

From the men in my life to my health, I am focusing all my energy that way. I did a lot of thinking over the weekend....

In terms of the male thing, I have it pretty much figured out. I know that I can't be with The Significant at this moment because he needs to get his life together. Likewise, the All Star has no desire to comitt to anything that doesn't involve less than 4 women at a time, so I'm enjoying his company and not getting trapped under any circumstances. I'm relaxing...missing The Significant, at times, but relaxing nonetheless.

In terms of work, I've been booking more modeling gigs than ever. I'm turning some things down because I'm being selective. I have a vision and I'm trying to stick with that vision. There are small hindrances, like my laptop is currently dying and I need to drop 35 pounds but don't have the money to eat healthy. Despite the set backs and that its taking me forever to type this post, I'll truck along still. Something is going to break through and I will have a Macbook pro 13" and I will maybe not lose 35lbs but tone myself to exactly where my body is fully perfect.

I'm loving that I have the opportunity to write so much more now, I just want it to get the right exposure. I'm starting to run..and of course, this isn't the best time in my mind to start since the winter is around the corner but its better to be doing it than to not do it at all. I've been reading a lot of health magazines, listening to a lot of Dr. Oz and just realizing that this thyroid disorder is something I may have gotten myself into from body/diet/nutritional neglect. I don't have health insurance so I have to find a way to sustain my health on my own accord. I've also begun re-reading Joel Osteen's book to keep my mind focused on the turning point, and after I get some finances straight then hopefully I want to do my first two week trip to California. I would love to do it mid October..

Just just a lot of random things that I feel as if I've finally sorted out. Men, food, life, work, play, finances, future finances, living space, family, friends and more. Now that I've sorted it all out I have to use what I know and officially get right....

Jennifer Lopez ft Fabolous - Get Right (Hip-Hop Remix)
by Schutzengerl1205

New Jack Update: The Starting FIVE

Some SLICES of cake will give you food poisoning, OTHERS are so good that they hit home when you eat them..however, after awhile SOME OF the TOO good SLICES might just give you CAVITIES if you overindulge.

Think about it....

Your main issue will be that cavities of the heart, similar to canker sores of the mouth doth spread if the infection itself is left untreated.

Love is indeed the most beautiful thing that this world has to offer, however, love is also known to be infectious. There is a power that love can use to captivate and hold us that we can spread to one another, just as easily if we were to spread hate.
Love being infectious as it is..I'm coming to truly realize that I've been infected for quite some time now and maybe it's time to slowly being cleaning up all the wounds that I've half patched up. When you cover up wounds with band-aids before putting an ointment on first, the wounds take double as long to heal.

I want to be fully healed.

No more patching.

In order to stop patching up wounds left by solely The Significant I've initiated a starting 5, if you will. Assembled a team of "basketball"players of men, possible suitors, that are ranked in order of what they do for me-mentally as well as physically.

The MVP is The Significant. The MVP, standing for "Most Valuable Player" is the one of the five I should be willing to drop all other 4 members of the team for. The MVP is the one you think is THE one. You feel your entire team might as well collapse without his presence. How does a coach successfully win a game without the MVP to lead the remaining team members?

The All-Star: The All-Star pick is the second to the MVP. When the MVP fails, the All-Star is who I turn to. Focused and driven, the All-Star is the favorite draft pick of mine as well as my friends who know about him. Many suggest that the All-Star be moved up into MVP status, but the All-Star doesn't move because as a player he hasn't proven himself fully to the Coach. He's a fan favorite...he still has work to do for the Coach.

The remaining 3: My Point-Guards & Shooter: The remaining 3 members of my team can be fillers. They do indeed serve purpose...weekend love, movies, dinner etc. in some far instances, even sex. Sex is usually set for only the all-star & MVP if the MVP is causing problems. Sex goes to the Shooter primarily over the Point-Guards. The remaining 3 don't usually elevate from this level because they're lacking something major-mostly mental/emotional support. They're usually good for just a good time...financially, parties, a hand to hold at the movies, a dinner date that you don't pay for...

My current issue is...after 3 whole years, I might have just come across the courage to release the MVP from his contract. The MVP IS my favorite player. He's usually always held the coach down, and I'm always rooting for him. However, when an MVP realizes that they hold an elevated position over the other players, they get the most time on the court and that they're the highest paid in the league..they get spoiled. They don't carry the same determination and drive that they had when they were playing ball looking and begging to be drafted. They get lazy. Expectant of the free hotel rooms, money & try to pick up as many other women as they can because they KNOW how valuable they are. It all goes to their head & they're too quick to pull out their contract & show the Coach the rider lists with requests and demands but with no current work for show...it's too much talk back.

As the fan favorite, everyone is rooting for the All-Star to be promoted to the MVP position. However, what many don't realize is that he hasn't proven his weight to the Coach. Yes, he comes through in the clutch when the MVP is exhausted and racks up the points I need, however he's not a stable steady worker as the MVP is signed to be. All-Star picks have a tendency to get so cocky since they know that they're fan favorites. They know what to do, and what to say to get their way with the fans and they seem to believe they have the Coach wrapped around their finger the same way they have the fans. The Coach always knows the true motives of a player...

So after I release the MVP, do I just remain MVP-less? Or knowing the intentions of the All-Star are not all true, do I sign a promotion contract or just leave the All-Star playing his current position?

The Turning Point

There's a reason.

There's a reason for it all no matter how lost and confused I am half the days of my life, but there is a reason. For the first time in 23 years, I'm realizing it's okay to not know what that reason is right away because God knows what that reason is. My BFF, Linette has always pointed out my high levels of negativity and for so long I never saw eye-to-eye with what she was saying until now. I have such a loud, new, fresh out look on life because I think I finally realize now that there's a reason.

I may not know the reason right away, but I'm now truly content with knowing that there's a reason altogether.

There's a reason why I was the one who came up with, "The New Jack"; There's a reason why I was the one to come up with "Shoes From Last Night"; There's a reason why The Significant always got caughtcheating; A rason why I was downgraded to the car I now have; A reason why I lost this past job I had; A reason why I've been in Jamaica, the place of my birth for four days for fucking free at that.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, that has happened in my past, negatively matters...

It's all been a set up for some things I couldn't forsee, but always the right thing for me. For example, I've been so miserable of the car downgrade that I endured only 10 days after my birthday, the accident that cause all that drama...no car for two whole months and financial woes I'm still playing catch up on. You couldn't tell me I wasn't being punished. A month after geting this lesser valued car, I lost my job. Howwould I have supported the higher valued car had I been unemployed? Now, not saying that upkeeping this one with no job will be cake, but imagine if I would've got in June, a 2009 car. How would I have paid the lease plus insurance payment? In getting a 1997 car, I only have an insurance payment to deal with, and from my last pay check from my job I've used it to pay my insurance through October. I couldn't see the reason but I see it now.God had a plan for me. i just didn't know about it. So instead, I just was a prick for 2 1/2 months to just get hit with, "duh".

With 'The New Jack', I've always been stressing looking for web help because I've been ready to take things to the next, next level. But maybe, it's just wasn't time yet. It seems that maybe I've just found the help I was looking for because the domain expires in 3 weeks. Just enough time for me to the the grand conversion. There's a reason I wrote this on paper, on a balcony at a 5-star resort...I feel like, it's the turning point. I finally realize that the ability to write is something wat put here, but Him, I didn't buy it somewhere. There's a reason why we moved to New York from Jamaica, my family. There's a reason why I know who I know. And even if I don't get the full reason all the time, does it really truly matter if He knows the reason?

No, it doesnt. I believe in my sould now that it doesn't matter.

Tightrope walkers never look down, for where your head goes, your body goes. They look at where they're trying to get to, for it doesn't matter if you're sure of if you're going to get across but He knows if and how to get you across. So why have I spent so much time focusing on the how, when someone else already knows, "the way" to? I've been so deeply rooted in negativity, since 2007. Another turning point, leaving a total comfort zone & falling straight into the fire pit head first. I've had my ups but I've been forever focused on the downs and it's true, Linette has tried to show me and she's been right....
Linette has always been relaxed in "the way to", never the "how to". I joke on her for what I've always considered to be her lack of reality, bt she consistently relaxes in "the way to". It's never "how are we getting to Manhattan" or "how are we paying for this meal" or "Are we sure we're getting a ride to this location". It's always "Dee, we know the way to Manhattan, so just start looking up train times". I've been doing so much thinking...I really wishI could get it all out.

All I know is...
I'm ready to change. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to love. I'm ready to immerse myself in the good. I'm ready to believe and I'm ready to trust. I might be scared of it, because indeed, trust is the biggest fear of all for me, but I'm ready to try it again. Some times, it may hurt, more than I think I can bare. But truth be told, even when it hurts, would I still be here standing if it wasn't something I could survive? Wouldn't I have crumbled already?

But I am standing...and that's not a dream.
No matter how much it hurts, I'm still standing. Because He is holding me by that tightrope harness.

So if I know that for a fact, then why look down?

New Jack Update: To Serve and Protect

Police officers I find, that half of them are not as bad as their counterparts have made them out to look. Minus the ones who are entangled in drugs, money, racial abuse and more, there is more than a handful of officers who actually want to do the right thing. There is more than a handful that want to uphold the idea of being their title-a police officer, and help out the general population.

When you look at most emblems that involve the United States, especially troops and armed forces the slogan that conicides is "to serve and protect". Unfortunately, I find myself getting close to not a lot, but particular individuals that I feel may need my assistance. I want to "serve and protect" them so to speak. I want to serve in the sense of, if they need my assistance, I'll drop anything to give it to them. I see them on such a negative pathway in life and as someone who cares for them, I'm willing to serve. Willing to dote upon them, willing to take their hand, willing to instruct, willing to explain. With all my friends however, I'm always willing to protect. I love my friends so very much. I'm not going to allow them to go through any pain I may have already suffered from if there is some way I can possibly prevent it. This action sometimes paints me as a refferee. I'm always jumping into something, waving red flags, yellow flags or green flags. I do this not because at any point I have to..it's just out of the sincerity of my heart.
The sincerity of my heart. I'm not sure if many are familiar with what that is.

I've put on blast all the "serve and protect" issues I've gone through with The Significant, here, in writing. He can be a very misguided individual, but I CARE enough to not just let go of someone's hand if they're dangling off the side of the Empire State Building. I've put only some of it in writing, because it's become common verbal knowledge that I've tried to "serve and protect" with a woman that used to be very close within this circle. Despite her near obsence lack of care for her self as a sexual being, and heavy levels of insecurity that have led to her purposely becoming a backstabber on so many levels...I still held her hand. I had faith that she could ...realize what she's doing to herself as well as us, her friends and...stop. I had another friend that was very close the group long ago, Gizzmo. Entangled in drugs, men, you name it. I NEVER wanted to let go of her hand, despite that she's hurt me probably the worst that any human has. There comes a point however, when you're holding someone's hand off the side of that building and in their desperate attempt to commit suicide, they hit you with something hard enough to stun you and make you accidentally let go and watch them fall to their death.

So in response to the quote: "Niggas wanna police your shit, but go ahead and do them, fuck outta here, I'm not that nigga."

I apologize. Don me "Officer Ricky" if that makes you feel better. Your friend seems to think I'm a negative bitch as well, tell him you both can call me that and chuckle if need be. I apologize for caring. I apologize for wanting to hold your hand while you insist on putting yourself in avoidable situations that you don't have to dangle off the side of the building. I'm sorry that I see so much potential in you, but you've insisted upon letting your upbringing and surroundings stuff you into a box of negativity, anger and incessant hatred. I'm sorry that I was the one rooting for you, and tried to stop you from losing the girl you did want, as I watched her fall like sand through your fingers I tried to be that metal gate that slid in and prevented her from sliding any further away from you. I apologize for wanting to do nothing but "serve and protect" YOU. You have the potential to be such a good man, despite your upbringing, despite the hood you're in..I held your hand because I saw a spark.

I saw a light.
But this is sometimes the role that some officers and troops have to play. When you fail at saving the civilian, they tell you your job was "to serve and protect". You don't get a thank you for your efforts, not that as an officer you NEED to hear one, but everyone is quick to point out that you let the civilian fall off that building.

However, you dust your uniform off, put back on your hat and badges...and continue to serve and protect.

New Jack Update: Brand New

"Is anything I'm doing brand new"-Drake {track: Brand New}

It could be poised as a rhetorical question, but it is indeed something I think at some point we all have to ask ourselves. Unfortunately, I feel that myself as well as my friends aren't asking themselves if they're doing anything brand new. We're all stuck in the same rut, the same pathways. Even though, some things staying stable is always a good thing, there are some instances where change is truly a good thing and I wish that we would all start asking ourselves if we're doing anything "brand new".

.....Because we're not....

I'll admit myself. I wont be outside the glass house and throw the stones, as I know how easy it is to have a role reversal. I could just as easily wind up locked inside that glass house and have people throw stones while I'm indoors. So, I'll be the first to put my food into the pool I haven't been doing anything "brand new". Is writing for me always the "new new", yes, but however, I'm still trapped in all the things I said I wasn't going to do with this including as minor as getting wordpress up and running has left me in a spot of not doing anything "brand new".

In terms of my friends, I see so many transgressions reoccuring, and at this point it's getting slightly ridiculous.

There's only so many times you can get burned by someone or be the person inflicting the burning and by the time you decide to do something brand new, it could very well be too late. If you listen to the song, Brand New by Drake, you'll see that constant mishaps and mistakes he's been comitting against one person he's finally realized. Now that he's decided he could very well be doing something brand new, it could very well be too late for him. As that person...might just move on because of the constant abuse, and I mean abuse in every sense of the word.

Some of my friends go through some struggles, that are on magnitudes that I see can be totally avoidable. Some friends choose their struggles, like myself. Situations with significant others that don't do right by them in the least, that they can LEAVE and upgrade to a better significant, better way of life, better treatment, better everything. Despite this...they choose to struggle. They choose to be abused-on every level by someone who isn't providing not a drop for them. However, at the end of the day this is a choice, in some instances a weakness. As love may cripple us. One must ask, do we choose to be crippled by love or are we just crippled by love that we must endure suffering so? Despite the question, when are those of us who choose this route going to wake up and realize that we need to do something brand new? Or find someone new...

Other friends of mine willing throw themselves into the fire pits. One that has never been a choice of my own, but who am I to knock your hustle. When one willing throws themselves into a fire pit, I have come to realize there is a lack of thought behind it. A woman I've had an on/off again relationship with who has been in my circle forever, I've come to realize she's always in the fire pits because of lack of thought. I hope the way this is phrased doesn't make me come off like King Solomon, but fornicating with someone, a friend of the circle in a bathroom at a bar and emerging with that person being your "routine" will throw you into the fire pit. The lack of thought of what you're doing, what you're saying, when you're saying something etc. Last night, my BFF got into an argument with someone that I've always rooted for to be her Significant. However, these chances are now shot to tell because of simply the lack of thought-of what one is doing, what one is saying, and when it is being said. Though it was foolish that the argument took place on Twitter of ALL places, it doesn't make up for the argument itself, the context, nothing. it was a willing throw into the fire pit. With those who throw themselves into these fire pits, it seems to be a reoccuring theme.

I've observed that the act that ususally gets these people into the fire pit remains the SAME, which is the odd part to me, it's just slightly modified. For example, if the said fire pit act is "to tease some one about their hair COLOR", I've noticed that the fire pit person insists on teasing people about their hair color KNOWING in the back of their mind it's going to get them tossed into the fire. However, they do it time and time again regardless. When they're lectured about it, they modify it 4 weeks later to teasing someone about the LENGTH of their hair. STOP teasing the person, PERIOD. THAT'S the point altogether. The fire pit people seem to engage in the same acts that get them into trouble repeatedly instead of...doing...something...brand new.
It's so sad....the point is missed REGULARLY and the act repeated so many times, so that just like Drake, when you're ready to do something brand new, it's too friggin' late.

I just want everyone to break the cycle, myself included. It's just about that time, that at the age we've all come into, despite still being young, that we all collectively do something..brand new.

Drizzy DRAKE

New Jack Update: Money Can't Buy You Love

As cliche as it may sound, maybe I'm truly slowly understanding that "money can't buy you love".

Now, of course, it makes sense to say that any and everyone should knows that...but maybe it's something I only know about when I choose to know about it.

Money seems to be the root of all my evil and the answer to all my prayers simultaneously.

I've been delving into The Secret so hardcore and have seem to slowly been getting the hang ouf it....especially "what you think about, you bring about". I've been extensively studying people that I see in my daily life that execute it so well. I've been studying and trying to emulate. I've been distancing myself from negative forces and people and trying my very best to stick to that. And it HAS been working. The Secret has a whole section devoted to feelings about money; "You must feel good about money to have more of it".
I have been feeling very good about money lately. You do have to give without feeling like it's sacrificial or else it wont come to you. You have to share with others so that we can all have. However, I've always been aware that money can't buy you love or else, I would've emptied my savings account LONG ago to have it.

The Significant is in a bad place in his life.

I think he seriously needs psychiatric help, anger management, etc that if I had the money, it could essentially buy me back the person I love by returning that person "back to normal". Though The Secret is really showing me how to attract the things I want, and I'm seeing all those things come true ...there are somethings I'm realizing I'm not sure how I'm attracting so many negative things. I'm focusing on the things that I want, and envisioning myself with these things and feeling so good about life, and focusing on turning negatives to positives. I want to focus on helping him, but even in the light of The Secret you have to help yourself before you can help others.
Despite the anger, despite the fights that have been going on, I'm going to focus on the self.

"Can't nobody take my pride, can't nobody hooooold me down, oh no, I got to keep on movin."

Money Cant Buy You Love - Ralph Tresvant

New Jack Update: Feelin So Good

I don't want to diagnose something prematurely....

But this morning particularly, I feel really good. I feel so well rested. I did a half hour worth of stretches. I prayed. And now, I'm blogging. I do have to go to work, which this spot is always a damper but today...I'm focused on not letting it affect me. After thinking very, very hard this weekend and writing the Watchmen post, it's so obvious that I truly watch everything that's going on and don't pay attention to myself.

Yesterday, I drank my first "Emergen-C" in the multi-vitamin concoction with the flavor of cherry-pomegranate, which I should've known better about, and just felt amazing. Energized all day.
I stuck to eating proper and small meals all day, and found it that because I refused to be stressed, I didn't EAT nearly as much. I actually went to bed at a decent time last night, and I just feel good.

The Significant wildly accused me of trying to go after his friends....after being up until 2am crying about it the Sunday night, I spoke to HIS friends who did nothing but make me laugh about how ridiculous the insinuation was for 2 whole hours. It's sad when people realize that they're in the wrong, but cannot handle it so they feel the incessant need to re-direct blame or attention onto another subject that is not their own faults. I'm praying for him, because I feel so bad for him that there is a serious delusion rooted in pathetic behavior. I'm going to start praying for a lot of people, and I'm going to start praying for myself again. There's so much I'd like to do and like to have, and I think it's possible if I start devoting myself again.

...Being caught in that "Watchmen" trap it's so easy I realize to lose sight of absolutely everything....
But I'm focused on testing that trial..of "you cannot help others before you help yourself"
I'm going to pause the Watchmen activity and try focusing on feeling good on for size.

Watchmen

I've been so busy watching everyone else for so long and measuring their success to pave the path of my own; to use The Secret and attract my own success....

If not more than obvious, I haven't been writing...
I've been too busy watching. I look at my blog, and see how robots and spam have massacred my page views. Instead of acting to fix it, I've gone to other blog sites and just watched their level of success and felt myself build up with anger and envy.

I've been complaining and feeling trapped, but watch the piles of things in my bedroom permitting me from walking around it.

I sit on Facebook, and watch and read about the successes of what seems to be all my fellow alumni and then watch that my level of success doesn't match and that they're all doing what they wanted to do right out of college whereas I still had to wait 9 months to get in the game and then I'm still not doing what I want to do. Watching them, being miserable, and watching more intently.

I have reached out to too many people for assistance with Wordpress, as I'm undergoing severe difficulty utilizing it despite importing all of The New Jack into it. Instead of reading the new CSS/HTML book I've bought (not that I have all the time in the world), I've been watching it. I remember I used to ask people to help make me a layout for this current The New Jack, and after asking for months from different people, I did it myself. The only person that there truly is to thank, is myself.

My goal is to drop about 20-30 lbs. Instead of doing anything, I've been watching everyone that's been looking way better than I have been and just feeling envious. Or, I sit around looking at pictures of myself when I was slimmer & happier, and feel remorseful for letting myself go.

I've been job hunting, but not as hard as I could be, and instead, I'm just watching people get promotions, watching fellow alumni get the positions they want and not putting action behind what I want.

Instead of looking for a photographer for the ideas I've had, or finding a way to get these photos of myself done, myself (which for what I have in mind would be extremely difficult) I stop and stare at other people's photos. Wishing I had the photographers they have, wishing I had the same network.

Where has playing the watchman gotten me?
Absolutely nowhere.....

I find that, I'm always clouded by thought. Thought, desire, moods, feelings, wishes...clouded to a point that I'm paralyzed by them. I don't back the thoughts, desires, moods, feelings, wishes. I let them hang above me as the "I want to"-list or, the "I wish I had"-list. Is there any point in a list, if I'm not crossing anything off of it to make the list smaller?

I compare, and batter and bruise myself so much..
No one hurts me, more than me.

I have to stop hurting me, and start watching me. Instead, of watching everyone else. I'm not progressing not because something is wrong with me, or that I can't make things come true for myself. I'm not progressing myself, because I'm always too busy hurting myself.

I have to stop playing the role of the Watchman. I have to start progressing.

I have to start now.

Amerie Update: Why R U

Anyone feeling like this lately?
I am...
Why R U?