I'm done.
Officially.
Over the last two months, I've undergone a vast amount of stress. Between losing my job, trying to recover from the anger, frustration, sadness and confusion from the job in the first place, trying to relax and hear my own self think for just 5 whole minutes, ending my three year relationship with The Significant, meeting an All-Star that I'll never fully call my own, learning how to be hard with my heart, learning to be alone-first without men and then without anyone, being called a lush, and a home life that only half of me wants......I'll say that I've had my fair share of stress.
All these stresses have actually broken me down way more than they have built me up..
They say diamonds are built under pressure,maybe I'm not a diamond because pressure has the exact adverse effect on me.
After nearly two months and a full two week hiatus from people, a small part of me feels like I'm recovering but every time I start to recover, leave it to my mother-my arch nemesis to break me back down to nothing. No matter what anyone has to say to me, she has made it as such as that she is the antagonist in my story line from beginning to end of my entire book.
At 23 years of age, I've fully given up on the arch nemesis and I, the protagonist, ever joining mutual forces to take out some unknown enemy like a deep episode of Power Rangers.
The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind - Dr Dwayne Dyer
If that is so, then why is it that I've always wanted a normal, sane relationship with the one person that everyone insists I'm supposed to be closest to..but every attempt I make, its always combated. Where is the reflection of what I want? A normal, peaceful relationship.
I've always been told, "Don't say that you hate people, hate is too strong of a word and no one should hate anyone, it's always better to use the term dislike".
But I wonder more and more, as I grow..if hate is really too strong of a word. I'm sick of being cut down to nothing. I'm sick of everything. And what I'm sick of most of all, is being blatantly hated by a woman and being told I'm not allowed to hate back. I understand its a sick cycle, but I'm sick of what I feel like is almost near persecution. Not physically, anymore at least, but mentally. For as far back as I could remember, maybe even random pieces of ages 4 and 5 she's always mentally persecuted me.
..And why..
What could I have done at age 4 besides, exist to be mentally persecuted so?
In every story, the antagonist has a hatred for the protagonist and that's what fuels the antagonist's reasoning for persecuting the protagonist. I don't want her to be my enemy, but she insists upon it.
Insists upon it.....
After awhile, the protagonist can only be persecuted for so long before they too develop their own hatred for the antagonist...their own hatred for why they are being persecuted..why they are being chased, harmed, threatened, stressed...
The constant story line....
Snow White versus the Queen
Super Mario versus Bowser
Harry Potter versus Lord Voldemort
It makes me always want to pull away into a hiatus away from everyone or run to everyone in efforts to never be in the same house as the antagonist.
I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of running.
There are no more mushrooms for Mario to power me up...no more witch spells to cast or learn if I were Harry Potter..
I'm just tired. So dead exhausted, I wish someone truly understood.
Sometimes, people assume I'll be in bed from sun up to sun down because of my thyroid, and whereas that may be true, on some days..it's just her. Just the knowledge that it'll always be the antagonist versus the protagonist.
It's an on going game. And it won't end until one of us dies.
And then, it's game over.
Game Over.
Showing posts with label Lonely. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lonely. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Rebounding From Being The Hurtee
Last week was a total blur and nightmare..that's why I havent updated.
My job drove me to such a brink of insanity all circling "Lost In Translation" and I even spent a good 3 days wondering if i should delete this blog entirely....
I felt like for this blog to not need translation and to be translated incorrectly on top of people not commenting the way I would like in terms of frequency and I'm STILL getting hacked altogether ..I just started to feel with all the stress,excuse my french but FUCK it.
I sat and stared at the "delete this blog" button.
I'm sick of things being so chopped and screwed for me...and I actually had to read Joshens advice multiple times being that he's the first to comment in a long time on any post. I was starting to do exactly as he instructed against. Lose.My.Mind.I didn't even want to get up some days last week. Inclusive of why I last minute ran away to an The Academy Is concert at Roseland ballroom..and called out the vey next day. Thanksgiving Eve I actually had to be carried into a cab and by the love of friends I was luckily transported from Williamsburg, Brooklyn to Penn Station in Manhattan.
Strictly by the love of friends...
This week you can imagine I was actually afriad to come to work..Literally afraid, with nervous stomach pains.
I was getting too used to being the "hurtee"...
New Jack Diction: "hurtee" (hurrr-teee): 1. receipiant of pain 2.selected individual who receives emotional pain from an attacker 3.emotional victim~syn: pain; see: sadness
Between work and slight communication issues with The Significant, and some other random happenings, especially one that could've involved a baby I was completely drained out. I just started to take the relaxed position and got used to being screamed at or blamed for something. And honestly, when you do that, it really starts to strip you down..
I started to lose sight of The Secret, and I'm remembering slowly you do have to be in control...you can't anticipate failure, and you certainly can't become comfortable with being the "hurtee". When everyone else realizes that they can then be the "hurter", they'll trample you completely...
...and last time I checked, there was no fun in being walked on....
My job drove me to such a brink of insanity all circling "Lost In Translation" and I even spent a good 3 days wondering if i should delete this blog entirely....
I felt like for this blog to not need translation and to be translated incorrectly on top of people not commenting the way I would like in terms of frequency and I'm STILL getting hacked altogether ..I just started to feel with all the stress,
I sat and stared at the "delete this blog" button.
I'm sick of things being so chopped and screwed for me...and I actually had to read Joshens advice multiple times being that he's the first to comment in a long time on any post. I was starting to do exactly as he instructed against. Lose.My.Mind.I didn't even want to get up some days last week. Inclusive of why I last minute ran away to an The Academy Is concert at Roseland ballroom..and called out the vey next day. Thanksgiving Eve I actually had to be carried into a cab and by the love of friends I was luckily transported from Williamsburg, Brooklyn to Penn Station in Manhattan.
Strictly by the love of friends...
This week you can imagine I was actually afriad to come to work..Literally afraid, with nervous stomach pains.
I was getting too used to being the "hurtee"...
New Jack Diction: "hurtee" (hurrr-teee): 1. receipiant of pain 2.selected individual who receives emotional pain from an attacker 3.emotional victim~syn: pain; see: sadness
Between work and slight communication issues with The Significant, and some other random happenings, especially one that could've involved a baby I was completely drained out. I just started to take the relaxed position and got used to being screamed at or blamed for something. And honestly, when you do that, it really starts to strip you down..
I started to lose sight of The Secret, and I'm remembering slowly you do have to be in control...you can't anticipate failure, and you certainly can't become comfortable with being the "hurtee". When everyone else realizes that they can then be the "hurter", they'll trample you completely...
...and last time I checked, there was no fun in being walked on....
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Stay Up (Life Viagra)
It's funny, my song of the week, "Stay Up (Viagra!)" by 88 Keys featuring Kanye West applies directly to my life right now. Even though the track applies to...staying..up...via Viagra, I would need Life Viagra at this point. It's as if people haven't been reading how UNBELIEVABLY exhausted I am, and more than that STRESSED TO NO END over my place of employment. I need at minimum a weeks vacation...
Despite all the stress that I've been going through with my job, its as if everyone and their mama needs to have something from me, when I don't have a MINUTE to myself. I was so stressed last week from my job, that I was either going to quit in an economic crisis or drink until I was comatose.
I've seen none of my friends...
The Significant is still away....
I've been exhausted, stressed, overworked and alone.
And the upcoming week has no slow down either..
My poor co-worker has a mother suffering from liver cancer, after just beating breast cancer and is currently under going chemotherapy so I don't expect to see much of her as she needs to tend to her mother and is under a wild amount of stress herself. The workload, in which I'm already not confident about is only going to GROW.
Friday coming is Halloween, in which I will "beat it like a cop" because I'll be "Mrs. Officer" (click to listen)
I have none of the parts to the costume and with my group of friends Halloween is a huge ordeal. This will actually be my FIRST Halloween old enough to enjoy in the city because last year this time..I was writing about my community service after briefly being jailed.
..Yeah.......
My intent is to make up for last Halloween by completely doing Halloween times 900. Between all the social obligations that I have NO CASH TO ATTEND and are expected to show face for, the exhaustion, depression over work, trying to correct the blog hacking and not to mention the oh-so-fabulous health issues I've come to love to hate....
New Jack just can't catch a break...
I think the only thing good about my day today is that I purchased gas for $2.71....$2.71!
I mean, is it not noticeable that I haven't been writing because I've been SO busy?
....Now where's that Life Viagra I was speaking of?
Here's 88 Keys...
Despite all the stress that I've been going through with my job, its as if everyone and their mama needs to have something from me, when I don't have a MINUTE to myself. I was so stressed last week from my job, that I was either going to quit in an economic crisis or drink until I was comatose.
I've seen none of my friends...
The Significant is still away....
I've been exhausted, stressed, overworked and alone.
And the upcoming week has no slow down either..
My poor co-worker has a mother suffering from liver cancer, after just beating breast cancer and is currently under going chemotherapy so I don't expect to see much of her as she needs to tend to her mother and is under a wild amount of stress herself. The workload, in which I'm already not confident about is only going to GROW.
Friday coming is Halloween, in which I will "beat it like a cop" because I'll be "Mrs. Officer" (click to listen)
I have none of the parts to the costume and with my group of friends Halloween is a huge ordeal. This will actually be my FIRST Halloween old enough to enjoy in the city because last year this time..I was writing about my community service after briefly being jailed.
..Yeah.......
My intent is to make up for last Halloween by completely doing Halloween times 900. Between all the social obligations that I have NO CASH TO ATTEND and are expected to show face for, the exhaustion, depression over work, trying to correct the blog hacking and not to mention the oh-so-fabulous health issues I've come to love to hate....
New Jack just can't catch a break...
I think the only thing good about my day today is that I purchased gas for $2.71....$2.71!
I mean, is it not noticeable that I haven't been writing because I've been SO busy?
....Now where's that Life Viagra I was speaking of?
Here's 88 Keys...
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I Hate This Part Right Here...
I was writing a draft of an e-mail to my ex,who goes by Steven but as in most posts in this blog Cj. I had titled it originally as such after listening to the same title track from The Pussycat Dolls new album "Doll Domination". I stopped very early in writing it again contemplating if he really deserves the explanation he seeks from me but the title track just became applicable to my job. I wasnt kidding about the swaggerwoman post..that Kryptonite feeling just got a whole lot worse...
I don't believe that any job should render one powerless. Which is the exact feeling I have every day when I rise to attend my current job, powerless. Or better yet, they've stripped me of my confidence. Already being shaky about the material that I'm dealing with, knowing that travel has nothing to do with anything I wish to do with my life, nor has it any connection to journalism or the entertainment business, its fair to say this is new to me. I've been being trained, and I've truly within the last month come to the crossroads of where the mother lets her birds out of the nest. Now, I'm undergoing, slowly, the freedom test of apply what you've learned. Now again, knowing that this wasn't my area of study I'm already shaky about the material. This incessant black cloud of me not exactly having a part of my actual life to tie to this has started to strip me of my confidence as to whether or not I can actually do this job; am I capable of this performance. Just when I thought I already didn't possess enough confidence, I got into a pretty wild argument with a co-worker, further adding to the pot thats already been brewing. What I'm not sure if anyone understands but me, is that, that situation might have truly been the nail in the coffin for me...
We argued over instructions on paperwork. This resulted in her speaking to me as if I were 10 years old as oppposed to her peer, which is what I am and then informing me that "Your job is not that hard..." Well by all means, remind me, why am I needed at this company if my job isn't so hard? And if it's so unimportant, why do we have Marketing Specialists at this company?
I hate this part...
The part where I'm rendered powerless...
The part where you risk professionalism in engaging in such severe fights with co-workers.
The part where if you speak up too loudly, you're a hoodrat or classless, and if you don't speak up you're quickly labeled as "weak" on a good day, "faggot" on a normal one.
I hate this part...looking at the economy and realizing I'm one of those fortunate people from God, who is still employed.
I hate realizing that even though the nail has gone into the coffin...I can't exactly quit unless I thought it was fierce to be homeless etc.
They're stripping me of my swag......
They're stripping me of my confidence....
Imagine, isn't it how it works that our lives might be blissful elsewhere and in just one facet, just one, it fucks up everything? The Significant and I for months now? Wonderful. Family currently? Completely happy and healthy. Though I'm ill, I'm getting theexpensive help I need to be better, so I almost can can't complain about that. I feel drained. And its only getting worse.
More and more, I'm realizing I have to move on towards my true writing calls...and stop being stripped of everything I CAME somewhere with...
I entered with everything, and it appears they're trying to make it that I leave, with nothing...
And I truly, hate that part..right..there.
I don't believe that any job should render one powerless. Which is the exact feeling I have every day when I rise to attend my current job, powerless. Or better yet, they've stripped me of my confidence. Already being shaky about the material that I'm dealing with, knowing that travel has nothing to do with anything I wish to do with my life, nor has it any connection to journalism or the entertainment business, its fair to say this is new to me. I've been being trained, and I've truly within the last month come to the crossroads of where the mother lets her birds out of the nest. Now, I'm undergoing, slowly, the freedom test of apply what you've learned. Now again, knowing that this wasn't my area of study I'm already shaky about the material. This incessant black cloud of me not exactly having a part of my actual life to tie to this has started to strip me of my confidence as to whether or not I can actually do this job; am I capable of this performance. Just when I thought I already didn't possess enough confidence, I got into a pretty wild argument with a co-worker, further adding to the pot thats already been brewing. What I'm not sure if anyone understands but me, is that, that situation might have truly been the nail in the coffin for me...
We argued over instructions on paperwork. This resulted in her speaking to me as if I were 10 years old as oppposed to her peer, which is what I am and then informing me that "Your job is not that hard..." Well by all means, remind me, why am I needed at this company if my job isn't so hard? And if it's so unimportant, why do we have Marketing Specialists at this company?
I hate this part...
The part where I'm rendered powerless...
The part where you risk professionalism in engaging in such severe fights with co-workers.
The part where if you speak up too loudly, you're a hoodrat or classless, and if you don't speak up you're quickly labeled as "weak" on a good day, "faggot" on a normal one.
I hate this part...looking at the economy and realizing I'm one of those fortunate people from God, who is still employed.
I hate realizing that even though the nail has gone into the coffin...I can't exactly quit unless I thought it was fierce to be homeless etc.
They're stripping me of my swag......
They're stripping me of my confidence....
Imagine, isn't it how it works that our lives might be blissful elsewhere and in just one facet, just one, it fucks up everything? The Significant and I for months now? Wonderful. Family currently? Completely happy and healthy. Though I'm ill, I'm getting the
More and more, I'm realizing I have to move on towards my true writing calls...and stop being stripped of everything I CAME somewhere with...
I entered with everything, and it appears they're trying to make it that I leave, with nothing...
And I truly, hate that part..right..there.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Dear Body, I Currently Hate You
Things are so not going my way....
I'mnot spoiled, I'll admit that..but I mean, sometimes it sucks when things are just not going your way.
New Jack Diction:
Hypoglycemia: Hypoglycemia, also called low blood sugar, occurs when your blood glucose (blood sugar) level drops too low to provide enough energy for your body's activities. Of all the organs in the body, the brain depends on sugar (which we are now going to refer to as glucose) almost exclusively. Rarely, if absolutely necessary, the brain will use ketones as a fuel source, but this is not preferred. The brain cannot make its own glucose and is 100% dependent on the rest of the body for its supply. If for some reason, the glucose level in the blood falls (or if the brain's requirements increase and demands are not met) there can be effects on the function of the brain.When the circulating level of blood glucose falls, the brain actually senses the drop. The brain then sends out messages that trigger a series of events, including changes in hormone and nervous system responses that are aimed at increasing blood glucose levels. Insulin secretion decreases and hormones that promote higher blood glucose levels, such as glucagon, cortisol, growth hormone and epinephrine, all increase. As mentioned above, there is a store in the liver of glycogen that can be converted to glucose rapidly.
{source}
Symptoms of hypoglycemia include
* hunger
* nervousness and shakiness
* perspiration
* dizziness or light-headedness
* sleepiness
* confusion
* difficulty speaking
* feeling anxious or weak
* feel tired, irritable, or confused when you wake up {source}
***Anything underlined means I'm experiencing that, and to an extreme
I'm a sufferer of this. Apparently, its getting way more severe and a lot of things are going to happen. My diet is going to change, I might be put on blood sugar medication to control all the symptoms and effects of it. Oh joy! Symptoms! My favorite part!
This is what I can't stand about being Hypoglycemic secondarily to food...the mood swings.
The drop in blood sugar results in an imbalance of brain chemicals, if you will, making me cry at a moments notice, to about to strangle someone the next. My particular mood swings as a resultant have been of irritability. I'm getting angriera little more a lot more than usual. The frequency is so much higher and ...its bad.
I'm getting snappish, hard core with my co-workers, and within this irritability I just disrupted the golden road of joy The Significant and I have been on.
I take EVERYTHING to offense
I get frustrated with EVERYTHING
I'm QUICK with a snark comment...a lot more than usual and its litterally affecting my work and personal life.
...a big no-no....
(Did I mention my FUCKING AIM isn't working? I'm not sure if like this SITE it's being hacked too. Oh joy!!!!)
My latest appointment with a doctor will be later today. I'll be put on a severely restricted diet and probably receive one of thosecool finger pricker blood number devices.
...I'm going to pretend I'm looking forward to stabbing...myself.
This process is so hard for me. I know that some of the horrible thoughts I'm thinking-ones especially affecting my self esteem HEAVILY aren't true thoughts. It's all about this chemical imbalance because I'm physically ill but the thoughts..are still there. I find myself comparing myself to people, quick to notice what I lack or what qualities about them physical as well as mental are better than mine. No matter how minor the comparison, I find a way to blow it out of proportion only further crashing my own self-esteem....
Not receiving any...help...I'm here alone trying to figure out how to block hackers on my own. Not something I've ever been saavy at. I've finally seen where they've hit, and they're hacking me for monetary profit. I've tried reaching out to different people with hopes that someone could supply some aid to where its obvious to not be my strong point. Once again, it rings true "If you want something done, do it yourself". Similar to all the other things I've asked, so many different people for assistance with in reference to this site and I wound up sitting alone, unemployed, studying everything to make EVERYTHING that is seen here the work of my OWN hand and no one elses.
...I would love for someone to point out where they lent a hand...
Seeing that they've blocked, my readers from leaving comments, are reaping all monetary value from my blog, that too has had negative effects on my self-esteem.
Annoyed, sad, and beyond aggravated here's three cheers to extreme Hypoglycemia.
And by the way Body, I do currently hate you...
I'm
New Jack Diction:
Hypoglycemia: Hypoglycemia, also called low blood sugar, occurs when your blood glucose (blood sugar) level drops too low to provide enough energy for your body's activities. Of all the organs in the body, the brain depends on sugar (which we are now going to refer to as glucose) almost exclusively. Rarely, if absolutely necessary, the brain will use ketones as a fuel source, but this is not preferred. The brain cannot make its own glucose and is 100% dependent on the rest of the body for its supply. If for some reason, the glucose level in the blood falls (or if the brain's requirements increase and demands are not met) there can be effects on the function of the brain.When the circulating level of blood glucose falls, the brain actually senses the drop. The brain then sends out messages that trigger a series of events, including changes in hormone and nervous system responses that are aimed at increasing blood glucose levels. Insulin secretion decreases and hormones that promote higher blood glucose levels, such as glucagon, cortisol, growth hormone and epinephrine, all increase. As mentioned above, there is a store in the liver of glycogen that can be converted to glucose rapidly.
{source}
Symptoms of hypoglycemia include
* hunger
* nervousness and shakiness
* perspiration
* dizziness or light-headedness
* sleepiness
* confusion
* difficulty speaking
* feeling anxious or weak
* feel tired, irritable, or confused when you wake up {source}
***Anything underlined means I'm experiencing that, and to an extreme
I'm a sufferer of this. Apparently, its getting way more severe and a lot of things are going to happen. My diet is going to change, I might be put on blood sugar medication to control all the symptoms and effects of it. Oh joy! Symptoms! My favorite part!
This is what I can't stand about being Hypoglycemic secondarily to food...the mood swings.
The drop in blood sugar results in an imbalance of brain chemicals, if you will, making me cry at a moments notice, to about to strangle someone the next. My particular mood swings as a resultant have been of irritability. I'm getting angrier
I'm getting snappish, hard core with my co-workers, and within this irritability I just disrupted the golden road of joy The Significant and I have been on.
I take EVERYTHING to offense
I get frustrated with EVERYTHING
I'm QUICK with a snark comment...a lot more than usual and its litterally affecting my work and personal life.
...a big no-no....
(Did I mention my FUCKING AIM isn't working? I'm not sure if like this SITE it's being hacked too. Oh joy!!!!)
My latest appointment with a doctor will be later today. I'll be put on a severely restricted diet and probably receive one of those
...I'm going to pretend I'm looking forward to stabbing...myself.
This process is so hard for me. I know that some of the horrible thoughts I'm thinking-ones especially affecting my self esteem HEAVILY aren't true thoughts. It's all about this chemical imbalance because I'm physically ill but the thoughts..are still there. I find myself comparing myself to people, quick to notice what I lack or what qualities about them physical as well as mental are better than mine. No matter how minor the comparison, I find a way to blow it out of proportion only further crashing my own self-esteem....
Not receiving any...help...I'm here alone trying to figure out how to block hackers on my own. Not something I've ever been saavy at. I've finally seen where they've hit, and they're hacking me for monetary profit. I've tried reaching out to different people with hopes that someone could supply some aid to where its obvious to not be my strong point. Once again, it rings true "If you want something done, do it yourself". Similar to all the other things I've asked, so many different people for assistance with in reference to this site and I wound up sitting alone, unemployed, studying everything to make EVERYTHING that is seen here the work of my OWN hand and no one elses.
...I would love for someone to point out where they lent a hand...
Seeing that they've blocked, my readers from leaving comments, are reaping all monetary value from my blog, that too has had negative effects on my self-esteem.
Annoyed, sad, and beyond aggravated here's three cheers to extreme Hypoglycemia.
And by the way Body, I do currently hate you...
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Empress of THE Ring?
Current thoughts on the brain have been about marriage...
So many who know me knew that I want to get married, now. It could've happened today and in most cases I would've been thrilled. It's not about the white dress, and an 8 story cake-the event is not that huge to me, _________ and I could elope if he wanted to. To me, its about the prospect of living and being settled. I'm not a cheerleader for instability and its something that freaks me out. Even if I've been in a solid relationship for 2 years I feel like nothing is set in stone until I'm married to a man. I could see myself already married, living comfortably with my husband. These have always been my thoughts, things I'm teased about all the time by girlfriends but lately I'm having a real change of pace.
I might actually, be getting cold feet...
After writing "Say My Name", The Significant and I got into a massive argument...One that makes me think, I'm not too sure if I'm ready to take the punches...and roll with them.
Looking at men as a WHOLE, not just The Significant, I'm...nervous...
I can't get a man who has a good job....
..or is set on fixing that job...
Or has finished college.....
...so therefore, has no degree....
he usually doesn't have goals, or starts out PERFECT and AMBITIOUS and loses everything
they're usually hot...
I'm stickler about sex, but then again, who isn't?
I usually am a magnet for men who have deep, dark pasts that tell me NOTHING and I have to find out EVERY THING usually resulting in a crushing heartbreak.
I wind up with the boys who don't like advice...good advice and insist on going to their own destruction...
Maybe I'm realizing, I'm not ready to be hurt all the time.
Maybe, I love too much, and too hard and there isn't anyone around right now to appreciate that.
The conversation between The Significant and I showed a lot of...true colors. It evidently appears that we might truly be heading into a breakup, if not right now...in the near future. It's evident that our feelings for each other are not mutual.
I'm broken down, and broken hearted...so look forward to those posts to come...
And maybe the ring feels a little weird on that finger any way...
So many who know me knew that I want to get married, now. It could've happened today and in most cases I would've been thrilled. It's not about the white dress, and an 8 story cake-the event is not that huge to me, _________ and I could elope if he wanted to. To me, its about the prospect of living and being settled. I'm not a cheerleader for instability and its something that freaks me out. Even if I've been in a solid relationship for 2 years I feel like nothing is set in stone until I'm married to a man. I could see myself already married, living comfortably with my husband. These have always been my thoughts, things I'm teased about all the time by girlfriends but lately I'm having a real change of pace.
I might actually, be getting cold feet...
After writing "Say My Name", The Significant and I got into a massive argument...One that makes me think, I'm not too sure if I'm ready to take the punches...and roll with them.
Looking at men as a WHOLE, not just The Significant, I'm...nervous...
I can't get a man who has a good job....
..or is set on fixing that job...
Or has finished college.....
...so therefore, has no degree....
he usually doesn't have goals, or starts out PERFECT and AMBITIOUS and loses everything
they're usually hot...
I'm stickler about sex, but then again, who isn't?
I usually am a magnet for men who have deep, dark pasts that tell me NOTHING and I have to find out EVERY THING usually resulting in a crushing heartbreak.
I wind up with the boys who don't like advice...good advice and insist on going to their own destruction...
Maybe I'm realizing, I'm not ready to be hurt all the time.
Maybe, I love too much, and too hard and there isn't anyone around right now to appreciate that.
The conversation between The Significant and I showed a lot of...true colors. It evidently appears that we might truly be heading into a breakup, if not right now...in the near future. It's evident that our feelings for each other are not mutual.
I'm broken down, and broken hearted...so look forward to those posts to come...
And maybe the ring feels a little weird on that finger any way...
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Talks About Love
Oh, the talks amongst co-workers...
My co-workers and I are a very chatty bunch, to say the least. We get doors slammed at us, "shush"es, and attitudes galore for being the crew thats trying to make the best out of a prison. I mean, job...
We got into conversation regarding the progress or lack thereof, of love.
Is there really a time frame that we can put on how quickly one must adapt in love? Would you stay with someone for 10 years, not married, but under the promise of love? How soon do you leave a person for not being on the correct "love track"? Aren't we all different, therefore moving at different paces?
There is so much it makes me think about. In the life of my own relationship, as well as the relationships of friends. There's been such an avid change in society. Every interaction with the next generation gets scarier and scarier to me as I more and more realize they're so apathetic. As are we. We care not about anything besides ourselves.
There was a point in time when if someone got pregnant for a man, he would immediately man-up and marry the woman and do what was necessary to provide for the woman and child on the way. BEGINNING with the marriage part and working his way down the line. Now, the latest D&G accessory to covet might as well be a "baby-mother". Tyra Banks said it herself, 76% of African-American women are "baby-mothers".
Let me repeat that horrifying statistic for you......I said 76%.
I refuse to be anyones "baby-mother", I want to be married, sooner more than later, and living with my husband...
And the end of it, you ponder whats brought up by my co-worker Valerie:
Maybe it is that OTHER women destroy most men. Men become less than quality because the less than quality (self-esteem issue having) women will tend to not demand WHAT THEY DESERVE. In doing so, the man is "broken badly". Similar to raising a new pet or child, when they are "broken bad" it will take EXTENSIVE trials to right that pet/child/other. In breaking a child badly at age 2, creating a terrorist after extensive trials you will be successful in bringing the child to proper behavior by age 7. Men, and animals work the same way. They must be trained in the beginning in order to develop good habits and if not, extensive work must be done for the correction. Once the man is "broken badly", by one woman he will move on to the next woman believing such is the way to continue.
So question, are men "making enough money for yourself....to be BY yourself"?
My co-workers and I are a very chatty bunch, to say the least. We get doors slammed at us, "shush"es, and attitudes galore for being the crew thats trying to make the best out of a prison. I mean, job...
We got into conversation regarding the progress or lack thereof, of love.
Is there really a time frame that we can put on how quickly one must adapt in love? Would you stay with someone for 10 years, not married, but under the promise of love? How soon do you leave a person for not being on the correct "love track"? Aren't we all different, therefore moving at different paces?
There is so much it makes me think about. In the life of my own relationship, as well as the relationships of friends. There's been such an avid change in society. Every interaction with the next generation gets scarier and scarier to me as I more and more realize they're so apathetic. As are we. We care not about anything besides ourselves.
There was a point in time when if someone got pregnant for a man, he would immediately man-up and marry the woman and do what was necessary to provide for the woman and child on the way. BEGINNING with the marriage part and working his way down the line. Now, the latest D&G accessory to covet might as well be a "baby-mother". Tyra Banks said it herself, 76% of African-American women are "baby-mothers".
Let me repeat that horrifying statistic for you......I said 76%.
I refuse to be anyones "baby-mother", I want to be married, sooner more than later, and living with my husband...
And the end of it, you ponder whats brought up by my co-worker Valerie:
Maybe it is that OTHER women destroy most men. Men become less than quality because the less than quality (self-esteem issue having) women will tend to not demand WHAT THEY DESERVE. In doing so, the man is "broken badly". Similar to raising a new pet or child, when they are "broken bad" it will take EXTENSIVE trials to right that pet/child/other. In breaking a child badly at age 2, creating a terrorist after extensive trials you will be successful in bringing the child to proper behavior by age 7. Men, and animals work the same way. They must be trained in the beginning in order to develop good habits and if not, extensive work must be done for the correction. Once the man is "broken badly", by one woman he will move on to the next woman believing such is the way to continue.
So question, are men "making enough money for yourself....to be BY yourself"?
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
You Think You Love Your Wife?
I wonder.....
I'm coming down with the flu hardcore and you already know, when your thoughts feel muddled, sickness eases it none. I just finished watching "I think I love My Wife", a movie I don't want to spoil for anyone who might actually like or support Chris Rock as I do not in the least.
It hurt me.....
Yesterday was the two year anniversary of The Significant and I. Casting aside his amnesia of the date in his world, we came around into a conversation that needed to be had.
The subject?
His life.
Currently, amidst depression, (that he won't acknowledge) his life has become stagnant. The person that I met that was right along track with the life he should be, due to stress is no longer on the track at all.
I'm experiencing.......disdain...to say the utmost least.
You try so hard to help someone, and realize that quite possibly you care more for someone than they do their own selves. Upon that current realization within the last 36 hrs or so I've had no desire to speak to him, though he feels the exact opposite.
Just like the movie, you work so hard and fight so hard for someone solely driven by love and care, for the resulting outcome.....to not even matter because any temptation could derail that person at any given time. More importantly, to realize that you could care more about a person, than they can actually care for themselves....
What do you make of one who has stopped willing themselves to what is right by them? One who feels their dreams are gone, and therefore has lost all desire to improve any and all aspects of their life? Especially, the most basic. Just like Chris Rock's wife in the movie, despite his constant search for another woman she works hard for him cause she cares that much for him...and the basic...can't be provided.
Chris Rock thinks he loves his wife?
I think I really don't want to get married anymore as bad as I wanted to...
I'm coming down with the flu hardcore and you already know, when your thoughts feel muddled, sickness eases it none. I just finished watching "I think I love My Wife", a movie I don't want to spoil for anyone who might actually like or support Chris Rock as I do not in the least.
It hurt me.....
Yesterday was the two year anniversary of The Significant and I. Casting aside his amnesia of the date in his world, we came around into a conversation that needed to be had.
The subject?
His life.
Currently, amidst depression, (that he won't acknowledge) his life has become stagnant. The person that I met that was right along track with the life he should be, due to stress is no longer on the track at all.
I'm experiencing.......disdain...to say the utmost least.
You try so hard to help someone, and realize that quite possibly you care more for someone than they do their own selves. Upon that current realization within the last 36 hrs or so I've had no desire to speak to him, though he feels the exact opposite.
Just like the movie, you work so hard and fight so hard for someone solely driven by love and care, for the resulting outcome.....to not even matter because any temptation could derail that person at any given time. More importantly, to realize that you could care more about a person, than they can actually care for themselves....
What do you make of one who has stopped willing themselves to what is right by them? One who feels their dreams are gone, and therefore has lost all desire to improve any and all aspects of their life? Especially, the most basic. Just like Chris Rock's wife in the movie, despite his constant search for another woman she works hard for him cause she cares that much for him...and the basic...can't be provided.
Chris Rock thinks he loves his wife?
I think I really don't want to get married anymore as bad as I wanted to...
Monday, April 21, 2008
Fin de Semana
I neglect you not...
I've had such a ROUGH week, that I was never so grateful to see the date April 19th marking the end of it. Problems of my week prior are slightly spilling over into this week but I'm TRYING VERY hard to keep the focus on this being a NEW week.
So let me get started....with a couple posts....
I've had such a ROUGH week, that I was never so grateful to see the date April 19th marking the end of it. Problems of my week prior are slightly spilling over into this week but I'm TRYING VERY hard to keep the focus on this being a NEW week.
So let me get started....with a couple posts....
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Fixing The Zen
What the hell is the matter with me?
Why don't we as people practice what we preach?
I've been so broken down by so many things that I've entered a quiet state of contemplation which has become the brewing grounds for envy. Due to my broken state and lack of motivation I've begun to sit and envy everything that I feel those around me or those I know have. The epicenter of all of this of course, is money. Because, if I had money "I would have worn a way cuter top with that fierce ass skirt.." and if I had money, "I would be paying off my civil suit, not wasting it on that bull shit that they're wasting it on..do you know what I could do with that money?"
Its not good.
I have constant headaches and the stress levels continue to keep me in a state of confusion. I felt this way last week, and slightly still do. Being unaware of where this blog is going to take me, if anywhere, what is my niche, how its going to generate a fan base etc. instead of AGAIN focusing on the main point which is that this is for ME. The best part about writing shit down, is that it can be referenced. The list I made for new years 2008 I dug up in this blog to REMIND me as to what the objectives are. Without it, I just sit lost and questioning my every thought, which already are questions in themselves.
My bedroom looks like it could be a news shot of Katrina. I am not a sloppy person and I cannot focus worse so when my bedroom ("the place of Zen"-BFF) is in a mess. Maybe because it truly is a place of Zen. My bedroom, even when I had my own apartment was the most IMPORTANT part of the house. It is truly where you escape the drama of the world, where you can retreat to and never be rejected. When you are woeful, tired, stressed, happy, whatever your bed will never reject you. A person's bedroom set up says A LOT about them to me at least. I am EXTREMELY analytical when I first enter a person's bedroom because it speaks so much to me. My bedroom has been a Katrina screen capture since the weekend of Nikki's arrival-2/29/08. Today is 3/12/2008.
I don't know why people read my blog.
I never go out of my way to make this shit entertaining, I just write about...my life. I'm not sure why I keep losing the focus of what this is about. My life. I'm not famous. I think I'm famous. I'm not important. I want to be. Regardless of all this, the focus of this whole thing is truly, my life. I've read so much about "blogging niches" and the extreme importance of having a niche because thats what will determine who reads and who doesn't read. My subscriber count dropped significantly and it alarmed me..should it?
The niche, is me.
Subscribe if you wish, but don't interrupt the Zen.
and Bff, I'm cleaning up this bed as we speak...No more Zen interruptions.
Why don't we as people practice what we preach?
I've been so broken down by so many things that I've entered a quiet state of contemplation which has become the brewing grounds for envy. Due to my broken state and lack of motivation I've begun to sit and envy everything that I feel those around me or those I know have. The epicenter of all of this of course, is money. Because, if I had money "I would have worn a way cuter top with that fierce ass skirt.." and if I had money, "I would be paying off my civil suit, not wasting it on that bull shit that they're wasting it on..do you know what I could do with that money?"
Its not good.
I have constant headaches and the stress levels continue to keep me in a state of confusion. I felt this way last week, and slightly still do. Being unaware of where this blog is going to take me, if anywhere, what is my niche, how its going to generate a fan base etc. instead of AGAIN focusing on the main point which is that this is for ME. The best part about writing shit down, is that it can be referenced. The list I made for new years 2008 I dug up in this blog to REMIND me as to what the objectives are. Without it, I just sit lost and questioning my every thought, which already are questions in themselves.
My bedroom looks like it could be a news shot of Katrina. I am not a sloppy person and I cannot focus worse so when my bedroom ("the place of Zen"-BFF) is in a mess. Maybe because it truly is a place of Zen. My bedroom, even when I had my own apartment was the most IMPORTANT part of the house. It is truly where you escape the drama of the world, where you can retreat to and never be rejected. When you are woeful, tired, stressed, happy, whatever your bed will never reject you. A person's bedroom set up says A LOT about them to me at least. I am EXTREMELY analytical when I first enter a person's bedroom because it speaks so much to me. My bedroom has been a Katrina screen capture since the weekend of Nikki's arrival-2/29/08. Today is 3/12/2008.
I don't know why people read my blog.
I never go out of my way to make this shit entertaining, I just write about...my life. I'm not sure why I keep losing the focus of what this is about. My life. I'm not famous. I think I'm famous. I'm not important. I want to be. Regardless of all this, the focus of this whole thing is truly, my life. I've read so much about "blogging niches" and the extreme importance of having a niche because thats what will determine who reads and who doesn't read. My subscriber count dropped significantly and it alarmed me..should it?
The niche, is me.
Subscribe if you wish, but don't interrupt the Zen.
and Bff, I'm cleaning up this bed as we speak...No more Zen interruptions.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
A little taste of heartbreak
I've been distant this weekend.
In my mind.
In my blog.
In my life.
I'm experiencing a feeling of numbness.
It was inadvertently explained that to a POINT, my significant feels slightly forced to be around me. I want to detail further, but my mind is a complete blank being that he doesn't understand how one would take offense to those feelings.
I'm blank and distant.
Season finale of my baby, Kim. Keeping up with the Kardashians airs tonight at 10:30 on E!. The season finale has to deal with yet ANOTHER scandal of sex photos of Kim and her sister Kourtney together...hmmmm.....
In my mind.
In my blog.
In my life.
I'm experiencing a feeling of numbness.
It was inadvertently explained that to a POINT, my significant feels slightly forced to be around me. I want to detail further, but my mind is a complete blank being that he doesn't understand how one would take offense to those feelings.
I'm blank and distant.
Season finale of my baby, Kim. Keeping up with the Kardashians airs tonight at 10:30 on E!. The season finale has to deal with yet ANOTHER scandal of sex photos of Kim and her sister Kourtney together...hmmmm.....
Saturday, November 24, 2007
A bitter level under the weather
Man, I don't know but this feeling has GOT to go....
I'm so unbelievably lonely. I'm miserable. I know a part of it has to do with me not having a job and I'm always HOME. I feel like I'm not interacting with people, cause I don't have a car to do anything nor do I have a job that requires me to interact with people. I'm an extremely social person and when I feel as if my social network is cut off I'm not sure how to act.
Now, this behavior is coming out in a very bitter, harsh manner. I just gave about an hour's worth of attitude to my significant other for absolutely no reason, especially reason unbeknown to him. He inquired several times if I was just upset with him for being asleep when I called. In which, I wasn't. I knew he had worked Black Friday and was in Manhattan from the crack of dawn. I KNEW he was tired.
Maybe, when you're lonely you take it out on the person you want to be around the most?
I definitely gave it to him for the last hour...
I'm not proud of it either.....
Something I don't understand about several women, especially like myself right now: Why do we push the person we want to be around the most the FURTHEST away? Its so weird how the female mind can work, I don't blame men for being annoyed and frustrated with us. Instead of outright explaining to my significant that I'm sad, miserable, lonely, want to see him and feel like my brain is wasting away I somehow in my twisted femininity thought that it was practical to give attitude until he no longer wanted to speak to me.
I'm shocked he lasted an hour...
I feel really guilty, more sad and more lonely than I was before and because of how the conversation ended, I feel a sprinkle of rejection. None of this adds up to a pot of gold......
In other news, I'm still very desperate to see my shots from the photo shoot I did on Tuesday. I personally believed that it went well, but maybe in my sad mood you know when you BELIEVE you've done well you might not necessarily have done so....
I want to get some new pictures out there, get the feedback and start to analyze what I didn't do well on so I can begin improvement. I was contacted by 2 photographers in the last two days who found me on Myspace and are interested in doing a shoot with me. I'm so eager to review these last shots in order to be IMPROVED for the next shoot.
Astro Overview (Lifescript)
Being nice to yourself is one thing; over-indulgence is something else. Unfortunately, moderation may be elusive today, unless you keep your awareness focused. You feel compelled to express what's on your mind, even if it's not in your best interest. Before saying anything, try to see the facts from the other person's point of view. This can help you maintain a healthier perspective.
Yeah, so maybe my failed attempt at expressing my sadness to my significant other.....should be a sign.....
I'm so unbelievably lonely. I'm miserable. I know a part of it has to do with me not having a job and I'm always HOME. I feel like I'm not interacting with people, cause I don't have a car to do anything nor do I have a job that requires me to interact with people. I'm an extremely social person and when I feel as if my social network is cut off I'm not sure how to act.
Now, this behavior is coming out in a very bitter, harsh manner. I just gave about an hour's worth of attitude to my significant other for absolutely no reason, especially reason unbeknown to him. He inquired several times if I was just upset with him for being asleep when I called. In which, I wasn't. I knew he had worked Black Friday and was in Manhattan from the crack of dawn. I KNEW he was tired.
Maybe, when you're lonely you take it out on the person you want to be around the most?
I definitely gave it to him for the last hour...
I'm not proud of it either.....
Something I don't understand about several women, especially like myself right now: Why do we push the person we want to be around the most the FURTHEST away? Its so weird how the female mind can work, I don't blame men for being annoyed and frustrated with us. Instead of outright explaining to my significant that I'm sad, miserable, lonely, want to see him and feel like my brain is wasting away I somehow in my twisted femininity thought that it was practical to give attitude until he no longer wanted to speak to me.
I'm shocked he lasted an hour...
I feel really guilty, more sad and more lonely than I was before and because of how the conversation ended, I feel a sprinkle of rejection. None of this adds up to a pot of gold......
In other news, I'm still very desperate to see my shots from the photo shoot I did on Tuesday. I personally believed that it went well, but maybe in my sad mood you know when you BELIEVE you've done well you might not necessarily have done so....
I want to get some new pictures out there, get the feedback and start to analyze what I didn't do well on so I can begin improvement. I was contacted by 2 photographers in the last two days who found me on Myspace and are interested in doing a shoot with me. I'm so eager to review these last shots in order to be IMPROVED for the next shoot.
Astro Overview (Lifescript)
Being nice to yourself is one thing; over-indulgence is something else. Unfortunately, moderation may be elusive today, unless you keep your awareness focused. You feel compelled to express what's on your mind, even if it's not in your best interest. Before saying anything, try to see the facts from the other person's point of view. This can help you maintain a healthier perspective.
Yeah, so maybe my failed attempt at expressing my sadness to my significant other.....should be a sign.....
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