Showing posts with label streams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label streams. Show all posts
Monday, May 3, 2010
They Don't Know
It may seem foolish to many, however, this is my favorite R&B song...ever.
I literally remember being in a car being driven around Brooklyn staring at a full moon was the first time I ever heard this song. Even furthermore, it just seems like I have a knack for winding up with the men who are split in halves....
The side that everyone else knows and sees regularly and then the side that I usually have to tell people that they don't know about this here...
It's complicated.
It's far from the nicest position to be in when you want everyone to know the good of a person and that same person only insists on showing off the bad. And so, you wind up in the position of still having to explain and half argue to everyone that they don't know.
What I've realized though, is that a man can drive you to a point of no return that makes you inquire....
Do I know?
I'm insisting that they don't know, but do I really know?
In my last relationship, I couldn't have been proven more wrong about anything...
Because, they did know and I didn't have a clue..
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Octobers Very Own
The simplistic style of http://octobersveryown.blogspot.com is inspired my layout change for The New Jack. With less clutter you can see what the words mean...
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Thank Me Later
Sometimes...
I truly think that just may be God's motto. There are things that we try to do, try to handle, try to control and most of us, after awhile kind of realize that they are only partially in our control. If He "orders our footsteps", then it should mean that where we are right now..is exactly where we should be. When we finally come to terms with that, He's probably saying to us "It's cool...thank me later".
This detox has been...a whirlwind.
It's gotten so deep and so raw that I was a millimeter off from quitting the entire thing altogether. I was about to have a true breakdown. I opened up to my best friend, truly not even believing that I could express what I've been feeling to anyone and it make sense. I was even questioning my belief in God during this detox.
"It's like I know what I've got to say...but I don't know how to say it..to you."{ -Drake} That's literally how I felt sitting with her in my mother's car a couple days ago. I hadn't seen her since my interesting party bus that took place near two weeks ago. I barely responded to her text messages, or to anyone for that matter. I truly cut myself off. I did feel like a failure in trying to explain myself via a blog post...
...I couldn't find words that would make sense...but I started talking to her. Not in any particular order and it all came out. Flood gates came out.
And now that it has...I slowly feel like this detox is working. It's just that..
"I'm trying to do all tonight, I've got plans. I've got a certain lust for life..and as it stands. Everything is going as right as it can, I've got plans. They're trying to shoot down my flight...before it lands"{-Drake}
I'm trying so hard. I want it all SO badly. I want to see the changes, I want to see the success and I feel like I see so many things getting so stagnant. But as stagnant as they may seem, the more I detox, the more I realize that if we're to a degree in control of our lives then we must take FULL control of the part that we have control of.
At that point, and at that point only when you look back at all you've accomplished with the part you've had control over that's when you can pat yourself on the back.
Lately, I've had mention of "what I've done for you, Deidre..". And trust me, I'm not ever not grateful...however, you don't toss things like that in people's faces.
Or at least, so I believe...
And despite what everyone has done for me in my time of need, I'm grateful and I've had hand in helping myself as well. So as much as I do thank everyone else..
I'll thank me later as well.
I truly think that just may be God's motto. There are things that we try to do, try to handle, try to control and most of us, after awhile kind of realize that they are only partially in our control. If He "orders our footsteps", then it should mean that where we are right now..is exactly where we should be. When we finally come to terms with that, He's probably saying to us "It's cool...thank me later".
This detox has been...a whirlwind.
It's gotten so deep and so raw that I was a millimeter off from quitting the entire thing altogether. I was about to have a true breakdown. I opened up to my best friend, truly not even believing that I could express what I've been feeling to anyone and it make sense. I was even questioning my belief in God during this detox.
"It's like I know what I've got to say...but I don't know how to say it..to you."{ -Drake} That's literally how I felt sitting with her in my mother's car a couple days ago. I hadn't seen her since my interesting party bus that took place near two weeks ago. I barely responded to her text messages, or to anyone for that matter. I truly cut myself off. I did feel like a failure in trying to explain myself via a blog post...
...I couldn't find words that would make sense...but I started talking to her. Not in any particular order and it all came out. Flood gates came out.
And now that it has...I slowly feel like this detox is working. It's just that..
"I'm trying to do all tonight, I've got plans. I've got a certain lust for life..and as it stands. Everything is going as right as it can, I've got plans. They're trying to shoot down my flight...before it lands"{-Drake}
I'm trying so hard. I want it all SO badly. I want to see the changes, I want to see the success and I feel like I see so many things getting so stagnant. But as stagnant as they may seem, the more I detox, the more I realize that if we're to a degree in control of our lives then we must take FULL control of the part that we have control of.
At that point, and at that point only when you look back at all you've accomplished with the part you've had control over that's when you can pat yourself on the back.
Lately, I've had mention of "what I've done for you, Deidre..". And trust me, I'm not ever not grateful...however, you don't toss things like that in people's faces.
Or at least, so I believe...
And despite what everyone has done for me in my time of need, I'm grateful and I've had hand in helping myself as well. So as much as I do thank everyone else..
I'll thank me later as well.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The Equation
The relationship equation is simple:A+B=C. You are A. They are B. C is the relationship. Do the math. To change C for the better, you can only alter A. Only A.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Success
I feel like I'm witnessing so many success stories besides my own because I haven't had the true faith to believe I CAN do it, all of it.....
Monday, March 1, 2010
Cleaning Out Our Closet
Ok,
So it's beyond evident that since my breakup with The Ex-Significant I've gone into a weird, dark, sort through mode. Something similar to Rihanna in her Rated R phase where after everything that took place for her, things are just in pieces and you sort of have to buckle down as much as it hurts and put together the pieces again. The thing is, as you go about doing this, the pieces do not form the same person. It's a whole new "beast" as sorts that you've created.
I've thought I've cleaned up.
Or rather....cleaned out...
But apparently, when you think you've wiped everything down there's always a spot you've overlooked.
And apparently, people are cleaning out their closets as much as I have been.
It's safe for me to truly say, that the Ex-Significant and I are two new people. Over the last 8 months I've changed so much mentally, and truly so has he.
It's sad when you look back and say, "Haiti was already the poorest country in the entire world and it took an earthquake that slaughtered over 200,000 people for OTHER people to realize that Haiti needs their help." It took an earthquake for people to change.
Well, it's the same parallel with the Ex-Significant; it took an earthquake to instill change.
We've had nearly the most honest conversation ever.
I mean from drugs...
....to marriage....
...to more cheating.......
.......to that he got his ex-girlfriend pregnant while he was dating me.....
We literally started cleaning out our old closet.
Cobwebs that all parties weren't aware of.
We started cleaning it out.
And no missiles were fired. No gunshots. Not even a screaming match. Not one curse word was thrown.
Not...one.
And I can't even cry.
You think you can. Trust me.
You hear certain news, and even if it was a month ago or even a year ago, you say to yourself it hurts so much that I could still cry about it now in this present moment.
And then, your soul hits a level of sorrow that your eyes are physically dry. Your eyes have cried so much and so often that it's truly as if in this moment of pain that your eyes go numb and not a single tear can be formulated. Your nose doesn't burn, tingle or turn red in anticipation of tears. Your ears don't itch. You don''t even get that heavy feeling in your stomach. Your heart rate doesn't change, it doesn't speed up as it should. You just know....that your soul aches.
Your soul aches.
It's the rawest conversation I've ever had with him.
And after it all...
I miss him.
Those are the only two things I know...
That my soul aches and that, I miss him.
So it's beyond evident that since my breakup with The Ex-Significant I've gone into a weird, dark, sort through mode. Something similar to Rihanna in her Rated R phase where after everything that took place for her, things are just in pieces and you sort of have to buckle down as much as it hurts and put together the pieces again. The thing is, as you go about doing this, the pieces do not form the same person. It's a whole new "beast" as sorts that you've created.
I've thought I've cleaned up.
Or rather....cleaned out...
But apparently, when you think you've wiped everything down there's always a spot you've overlooked.
And apparently, people are cleaning out their closets as much as I have been.
It's safe for me to truly say, that the Ex-Significant and I are two new people. Over the last 8 months I've changed so much mentally, and truly so has he.
It's sad when you look back and say, "Haiti was already the poorest country in the entire world and it took an earthquake that slaughtered over 200,000 people for OTHER people to realize that Haiti needs their help." It took an earthquake for people to change.
Well, it's the same parallel with the Ex-Significant; it took an earthquake to instill change.
We've had nearly the most honest conversation ever.
I mean from drugs...
....to marriage....
...to more cheating.......
.......to that he got his ex-girlfriend pregnant while he was dating me.....
We literally started cleaning out our old closet.
Cobwebs that all parties weren't aware of.
We started cleaning it out.
And no missiles were fired. No gunshots. Not even a screaming match. Not one curse word was thrown.
Not...one.
And I can't even cry.
You think you can. Trust me.
You hear certain news, and even if it was a month ago or even a year ago, you say to yourself it hurts so much that I could still cry about it now in this present moment.
And then, your soul hits a level of sorrow that your eyes are physically dry. Your eyes have cried so much and so often that it's truly as if in this moment of pain that your eyes go numb and not a single tear can be formulated. Your nose doesn't burn, tingle or turn red in anticipation of tears. Your ears don't itch. You don''t even get that heavy feeling in your stomach. Your heart rate doesn't change, it doesn't speed up as it should. You just know....that your soul aches.
Your soul aches.
It's the rawest conversation I've ever had with him.
And after it all...
I miss him.
Those are the only two things I know...
That my soul aches and that, I miss him.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
New Jack Update: Red Kool-Aid
"Water doesn't attract roaches, but red flavored kool-aid does though".
This quote was directed at me last night, and to be quite honest I don't know how to feel about it. I do genuinely believe that I need a break from men...after all that's transpired within the last 3 years of The Ex-Significant/MVP and now with the relationship 300% done you can't just jump into something else the following Thursday. I've been single for 3 months now, which is not nearly as long of a break as I need to take, agreed with the general public however at times my feelings for an All-Star consume me.
As much as I feel for him, and part of me agrees he feels for me I'm realizing that I'm starting to fear him. He's not classless like The Ex-Significant was, and there are particular things that I know I would never expect to see from him ever, however he has his own potential to cause me grave pain. Daily, that's becoming more and more knowledgeable.
I know the theory, that you can't find out if something is right for you if you don't 'jump' into the air and see if you're caught. There's a 50% chance you'll be caught, there's also a very prominent 50% chance that you wont be and your skull will be cracked.
What my friendly counter parts seem to not understand is that I'm not pushing, rushing or accelerating anything. I'm truly not. Just because I'm aware that I personally need a break, and I am TAKING one doesn't mean my brain just shuts off and I don't see...it doesn't mean I don't feel anything either.
It doesn't mean that I don't hope or dream. Desire or want.
The simplicity that I know I need a break, I took a minute and stopped sleeping with the men I was sleeping with because I know it wasn't going to do any good. Sleeping with them was only embodying to them that I'm only something worth sleeping with..not more than that. I can't express a general frustration that I have in just the sexual desire part of it because apparently it makes me look bad..like "red koolaid" which "attracts roaches". It recently started to fuck with my head, when someone I know who CLEARLY has a girlfriend )that everyone knows her too)contacted me because he wants to have a side line relationship with me. Mind you, he's not MY friend, he's a friend of someone else that's close to me and we NEVER speak really but he apparently looked at me and felt CONFIDENT enough to contact me because I look like not 'girlfriend' material but great 'mistress' material. No matter how I change my look, physically and no matter how much I don't even speak to put the WRONG image of me out there men always think I'm just mistress material. Women are always threatened and intimidated by me on the assumption that I'm mistress material.
I'm not a mistress or dominatrix, nor do I try to be. It's one thing to do put on a show for the man I'm dating, but I don't apply this to "random nigga number 5".
It's making me sick.
A couple of people told me that long hair adds too much to my sex appeal. Hell in efforts to change things for 2010, I've already cut it all off to underneath my chin to reduce the "sex appeal" if that helps. I've only had it for 2 weeks and I haven't gone out in a public setting to determine whether its helping or not..but people still assume that I'm just perfect mistress material.
It saddens me, and I feel sort of hopeless about the matter. I feel as if I just have to be alone and I can't even generally express my discontent about it without being wrong in some facet. I can't express my loneliness because it makes me look weak. I can't express my sexual frustration because that poises me as a whore. I can't express my sadness because that results in pity and me appearing to be pathetic. I can't dress, act, speak or express in a certain manner because that "attracts roaches".
I went from a couple to being a single woman, and all of a sudden all my freedom of expression about MY situation just got stripped from me.
With love and with my friends, I feel as if I just cannot win.
And apparently all the red kool-aid I'm covered in has got me stuck in a sticky place.
This quote was directed at me last night, and to be quite honest I don't know how to feel about it. I do genuinely believe that I need a break from men...after all that's transpired within the last 3 years of The Ex-Significant/MVP and now with the relationship 300% done you can't just jump into something else the following Thursday. I've been single for 3 months now, which is not nearly as long of a break as I need to take, agreed with the general public however at times my feelings for an All-Star consume me.
As much as I feel for him, and part of me agrees he feels for me I'm realizing that I'm starting to fear him. He's not classless like The Ex-Significant was, and there are particular things that I know I would never expect to see from him ever, however he has his own potential to cause me grave pain. Daily, that's becoming more and more knowledgeable.
I know the theory, that you can't find out if something is right for you if you don't 'jump' into the air and see if you're caught. There's a 50% chance you'll be caught, there's also a very prominent 50% chance that you wont be and your skull will be cracked.
What my friendly counter parts seem to not understand is that I'm not pushing, rushing or accelerating anything. I'm truly not. Just because I'm aware that I personally need a break, and I am TAKING one doesn't mean my brain just shuts off and I don't see...it doesn't mean I don't feel anything either.
It doesn't mean that I don't hope or dream. Desire or want.
The simplicity that I know I need a break, I took a minute and stopped sleeping with the men I was sleeping with because I know it wasn't going to do any good. Sleeping with them was only embodying to them that I'm only something worth sleeping with..not more than that. I can't express a general frustration that I have in just the sexual desire part of it because apparently it makes me look bad..like "red koolaid" which "attracts roaches". It recently started to fuck with my head, when someone I know who CLEARLY has a girlfriend )that everyone knows her too)contacted me because he wants to have a side line relationship with me. Mind you, he's not MY friend, he's a friend of someone else that's close to me and we NEVER speak really but he apparently looked at me and felt CONFIDENT enough to contact me because I look like not 'girlfriend' material but great 'mistress' material. No matter how I change my look, physically and no matter how much I don't even speak to put the WRONG image of me out there men always think I'm just mistress material. Women are always threatened and intimidated by me on the assumption that I'm mistress material.
I'm not a mistress or dominatrix, nor do I try to be. It's one thing to do put on a show for the man I'm dating, but I don't apply this to "random nigga number 5".
It's making me sick.
A couple of people told me that long hair adds too much to my sex appeal. Hell in efforts to change things for 2010, I've already cut it all off to underneath my chin to reduce the "sex appeal" if that helps. I've only had it for 2 weeks and I haven't gone out in a public setting to determine whether its helping or not..but people still assume that I'm just perfect mistress material.
It saddens me, and I feel sort of hopeless about the matter. I feel as if I just have to be alone and I can't even generally express my discontent about it without being wrong in some facet. I can't express my loneliness because it makes me look weak. I can't express my sexual frustration because that poises me as a whore. I can't express my sadness because that results in pity and me appearing to be pathetic. I can't dress, act, speak or express in a certain manner because that "attracts roaches".
I went from a couple to being a single woman, and all of a sudden all my freedom of expression about MY situation just got stripped from me.
With love and with my friends, I feel as if I just cannot win.
And apparently all the red kool-aid I'm covered in has got me stuck in a sticky place.
Monday, November 16, 2009
New Jack Update: Setting Up Shop
It's as if I've caught fever...
But I guess, it's a fever I don't want to sweat out. But this fever, I tell you, it's lit fire under my skin and made a lot of things move for me.
I was repeatedly given advice to worry about me, and me only for awhile. My feelings for The Ex-Significant as well as just the positioning of others in my life was always too much to make me do just that. And, I'll admit for two months, I didn't. I was 200% worried about The Ex-Significant and an All-Star that I had an insane amount of feelings for, none of the time worrying about myself but more so, what would be the end result. Better put, it was always about what am I going to 'get' not, what's going to happen 'to' me. After two months, you may have to just admit to yourself that your ideas are just not working and maybe it's time to try something different.
So I have...
I've buried myself into the project of finding a job, not necessarily a salaried job, but a decent job that will pay the bills and that I can merrily more than tolerate. In the short span of three weeks of making that my sole focus, I got hired as a full-time account key holder at Perfumania. So far, I like my co-workers, I get paid a base pay as well as make a commission. Enough, if used correctly, to pay my bills and start saving and making my goals come true in 2010. I'm not going to lie, not only me, myself but pretty much all of my friends have had an awful, stressful and corrupt 2009. Job losses, deaths, financial woes that words can't describe, loves lost...the list is too long and it doesn't solely apply to me. I'm using 2010 as a starting over point. Not just an, "oh 2010 is going to be great and who knows what will happen after that". No.
I want 2010 to be the beginning of the rest of my life. In positivity. In abundance. I don't want to work for anyone else, I want to work for myself. Doing what I love. And I want to spend the rest of 2009 just preparing and organizing for the first new day of the rest of my beautiful life. 1/1/10.
There will be setbacks. There will be haters. But, the beauty of my life will not dissipate.
With that being said, I'm going to edit The New Jack. No more frivolous posts.
The New Jack is two years old, and in two years from this post, today I want to see that I've continued to grow and make change. That I've truly come to see the beauty in life. The beauty in every day. That I've helped people. That in some way, I'm assisting putting someone at peace. I don't care how many page views The New Jack gets anymore, because it's not about publicity...it's about life & love. The only two things that truly matter.
So in 2010, The New Jack will get a much simpler face lift....
What will be about publicity wont be my life as The New Jack, but Shoes From Last Night-the online and hopefully, physical shoe boutique that I'm setting up and Dulce de Cocoa-a candy & clothing line that I'm working on simultaneously that will donate proceeds to Action Against Hunger.
All this activity, thought and movement has literally happened in a span of two weeks. It's like I said, its as if I've caught fever. But in actuality, its the best fever I've ever caught. And this is what happens when you apply yourself to you. I have a passion to move. A passion to grow. A passion to change. A passion to assist in change. A passion for my future and the future of others.
So, I'm setting up shop.
Setting up shop for others.
And, setting up shop for my life.
But I guess, it's a fever I don't want to sweat out. But this fever, I tell you, it's lit fire under my skin and made a lot of things move for me.
I was repeatedly given advice to worry about me, and me only for awhile. My feelings for The Ex-Significant as well as just the positioning of others in my life was always too much to make me do just that. And, I'll admit for two months, I didn't. I was 200% worried about The Ex-Significant and an All-Star that I had an insane amount of feelings for, none of the time worrying about myself but more so, what would be the end result. Better put, it was always about what am I going to 'get' not, what's going to happen 'to' me. After two months, you may have to just admit to yourself that your ideas are just not working and maybe it's time to try something different.
So I have...
I've buried myself into the project of finding a job, not necessarily a salaried job, but a decent job that will pay the bills and that I can merrily more than tolerate. In the short span of three weeks of making that my sole focus, I got hired as a full-time account key holder at Perfumania. So far, I like my co-workers, I get paid a base pay as well as make a commission. Enough, if used correctly, to pay my bills and start saving and making my goals come true in 2010. I'm not going to lie, not only me, myself but pretty much all of my friends have had an awful, stressful and corrupt 2009. Job losses, deaths, financial woes that words can't describe, loves lost...the list is too long and it doesn't solely apply to me. I'm using 2010 as a starting over point. Not just an, "oh 2010 is going to be great and who knows what will happen after that". No.
I want 2010 to be the beginning of the rest of my life. In positivity. In abundance. I don't want to work for anyone else, I want to work for myself. Doing what I love. And I want to spend the rest of 2009 just preparing and organizing for the first new day of the rest of my beautiful life. 1/1/10.
There will be setbacks. There will be haters. But, the beauty of my life will not dissipate.
With that being said, I'm going to edit The New Jack. No more frivolous posts.
The New Jack is two years old, and in two years from this post, today I want to see that I've continued to grow and make change. That I've truly come to see the beauty in life. The beauty in every day. That I've helped people. That in some way, I'm assisting putting someone at peace. I don't care how many page views The New Jack gets anymore, because it's not about publicity...it's about life & love. The only two things that truly matter.
So in 2010, The New Jack will get a much simpler face lift....
What will be about publicity wont be my life as The New Jack, but Shoes From Last Night-the online and hopefully, physical shoe boutique that I'm setting up and Dulce de Cocoa-a candy & clothing line that I'm working on simultaneously that will donate proceeds to Action Against Hunger.
All this activity, thought and movement has literally happened in a span of two weeks. It's like I said, its as if I've caught fever. But in actuality, its the best fever I've ever caught. And this is what happens when you apply yourself to you. I have a passion to move. A passion to grow. A passion to change. A passion to assist in change. A passion for my future and the future of others.
So, I'm setting up shop.
Setting up shop for others.
And, setting up shop for my life.
Monday, November 2, 2009
2010 Bootcamp
It might be approximately 2 months before New Years, but if there's anything I've been ready for in my life, it's certainly 2010. The year of 2009 can end tomorrow, and it would be the BEST news I've heard during this wretched year.
I've celebrated two years in writing in The New Jack and with age, comes wisdom.
I've celebrated two years in writing in The New Jack and with age, comes wisdom.
I'm ready to embrace that wisdom.
I'm 23, and during 2010, I'll be turning 24 in April. Recently, my mind was in a really dark place in regards to money, love, plans, family, you name it.
I've had no money, I went from being salaried at a place I despised to being free and happy about that freedom but with $30 in my name meaning "rich". I had finally ended my relationship with The Significant and it was difficult and even trying to have a basic relationship/friendship was worse because we were so angry and hurt but now, slowly, we're getting better and better. I fell for an All-Star that even up to last night, confirmed that he'll never commit to me. I'm heartbroken. The sad part is, the only flaw I find in him is that he won't commit to me. He has all the qualities that I've ever sought out, but can't be faithful to one woman (or at least for right now)-surprise. My mother and I haven't spoken to one another in two weeks. Our relationship has always been a strained and negative one, but these days its scraping the bottle of the barrel. I didn't know that we could get so low..until now. The transmission on my car is dying..a car sold to me by my uncle that I've only had for 4 months. Naturally, he sold me a fucked up car but it waited to fully fuck up just when I'm unemployed and I'm powerless to fix it.
I've realized though in always conversing with a pair of "John" cousins, (love you both with all my heart) that listing and re-listing all the problems in my life is not going to do anything. I need to focus on the good. And if I can't find any good in that present moment, then make good. In efforts to climb out of the dark place I was in, I just started write down a "boot camp" list if you will. A list that if I can accomplish all these things that I've left on the back burner and force myself in an Army like mode to get them done, I'll actually start to feel better and then be able to accomplish another list of things to follow afterwards.
I started to carry a mini notebook with me.. everywhere. A small notebook, with the Oneonta state insignia on it. Every time a remotely came across a thought or a goal and the processes to complete that goal I started to jot it down. There are some things I've beaten myself up about that I haven't completed without truly realizing that I can't get them done without completing some minor steps beforehand. So I started an order. First, the duration of the "boot camp" 11/1/09-12/31/09. I've hated 2009 so much, that I can spend the next 2 months of it distracting myself in immersing myself into the preparation of 2010. Things such as my goal of losing as close to 35 pounds as possible and HOW to do it. Tackling some minor basic work for SFLN such as, domain names and proper logos. Moving my 401K from my former employer to under my watch in my personal INGDirect account. Doing a full body detox program from GNC and not drinking soda or liquor for the next months. Fixing my checking account. Finding a volunteer program to participate in while I'm unemployed. These are just a few things that I've listed in "boot camp" in which I wrote that list in blue ink, everything from very deep and personal to changing my look for the beginning of 2010. I'm even going to take the advice and truly recover from The Significant and The All-Star by being single for awhile and will even be celibate for a minimum of the next two months.
I'm single. It's time to acknowledge it and not be afraid of it.
I followed up that blue-inked boot camp list with a 2010 list. Everything on both lists is very much within reach and can be accomplished it's just a matter of serious application and dedication. The 2010 list I did in black ink, listing all the things I'm trying to accomplish with deadlines & even fall back deadlines based on the goal and the month. Everything from being able to do a side split and how to up my vitamin intake to my real estate license and a newer car.
I feel really positive. I feel ready to do all of this. No sacrifice, no victory
Halloween was amazing and I used it as a tool to get all of the last bit of craziness out of my system so that as of November 1st, especially so that it began on a Sunday, it would be the beginning of it all.
And like I said, I'm ready. Ready to grow up. Ready to start incorporating more positivity in my life. Ready to be healthier. Ready to start throwing some real accomplishments under my belt.
So with that, let boot camp begin.
No sacrifice, no victory
Friday, October 30, 2009
Two Candles Down, Many More to Blow-Happy Birthday New Jack
October 27th, 2009 was the 2nd birthday of "The New Jack"
I'll admit, in two years I haven't gotten this blog nearly anywhere to the level that I've wanted it to reach. But though I may not have the readership and exposure I seek, I still gained.
I've truly gained a place to lay out all my feelings and all my experiences in the last two years. From jail to freedom, from being coupled up to single-hood and everything in between. My thoughts are deeper, and I still have a lot more growing to do but regardless of which, I've grown. From a 21 year old who just came out of college with a multitude of instant expectations to a 23 year old who finally understands that love is all that truly matters in this world.
In the last two years, I've had few solid plans. I used to believe you just do, and as long as you do you should just receive; but, I'm older now and a bit wiser. I know a couple things now about work ethic..about love...about trust...about pain...about how to rebound.
The thing that I'm proud of most is that this blog has given me the opportunity to rebound.Two years ago, this same person let the issues of her world destroy her. Now this person may get weakened by it, but always knows in the back of her mind there's a way to rebound.
Two years...
Two candles down...many more to blow...
Sunday, October 25, 2009
New Jack Update: Stalker Tactics
There has to obviously be something I'm missing...some correlation between the two that I just don't see...
These days my family is insistent upon things I don't see and apparently that I'm doing that is detrimental to myself.
I don't see them, or at least, not all of them. That's honesty.
This is a door
This is a window..
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They're points of entry way to one's home and if used correctly they provide a non-coerced entry into ones home. When denied entry, they can be used against the owner of the home in the fits of a forced entry.
Maybe, I'm not ready for this...for him..
There are no doubts in my mind that I want the All-Star and that he would be an ideal man for me, however..as a single man if you cant control your chickens then one should clean out the coop.
Just a thought.....
I don't do stalkers. Surprise visits-at least by parties that should know its not their place to surprise me, because I actually LOVE surprises; Doorbells ringing 4 times at minutes to 2am; People who wait outside of peoples homes, etc.
This is the correlation: The one human that I loathe, my mother, as much as she didn't raise me because we have no connection with one another she inadvertently trained my mind that I'm too good to chase after any man on this planet. A combination of my looks, intelligence and pride is too much for me to stalk any man. Any. And though I have grown to despise her more, we both share the same sentiment of confusion when women stalk men. WORSE so, if this man is not your husband.
It's something that leaves my mind truly blank.
The only thing that fills the space is that the more I draw close to this man, the more I feel and I'm throwing myself at him, meanwhile he's throwing himself at everyone else.
All of us chickens in the coop get fed, but some are apparently laying golden eggs, some of them just plain white eggs and I'm failing to produce at all. We're all aware that we're part of a coop..all "97" of us "chickens" but the name of the game is who is going to be the farmer's favorite.
Or in the end will the Farmer just pick a pig instead..
All it evokes in me is fear.
I don't know if I should be more fearful of the other chickens trying to pluck my feathers off one by one, or of knowing that I'm not the only chicken that the Farmer wants is just as painful as grabbing a handful of my feathers at one time. Or should I fear like the other chickens that he may not choose any of us, but a totally different animal..one we've never saw coming.
And as I laid awake, hearing a chicken ring door bells, and wait outside of a home in full on stalker mode to get to the farmer..I fought my tears.
Tears of gratefulness that maybe, Mother dear was good for something besides destroying my soul-she made me too prideful to call a man back more than once, to ring doorbells and wait outside homes.. Tears of guilt, that someone has to feel something for the Farmer the way I do..to stalk. Tears of anger and frustration that if I ever became the chosen chicken, will it always be a life of someone lurking around in efforts to pluck all my feathers?
But I didn't cry in front of the Farmer..I won't open up my soul that much until a soul is opened up to me; a mistake I've made too many a time before. And I didn't cry driving home, even though the heat of my tears brimming burned my eyes.
But I cry now, at home.
Upon entry, after a fight with my mother, upstairs behind a closed door, I can cry now.
Cry over losing her.
Cry over always being left in the coop.
Cry in absolute fear.
I can cry now.
These days my family is insistent upon things I don't see and apparently that I'm doing that is detrimental to myself.
I don't see them, or at least, not all of them. That's honesty.
This is a door
This is a window..
.jpg)
.jpg)
They're points of entry way to one's home and if used correctly they provide a non-coerced entry into ones home. When denied entry, they can be used against the owner of the home in the fits of a forced entry.
Maybe, I'm not ready for this...for him..
There are no doubts in my mind that I want the All-Star and that he would be an ideal man for me, however..as a single man if you cant control your chickens then one should clean out the coop.
Just a thought.....
I don't do stalkers. Surprise visits-at least by parties that should know its not their place to surprise me, because I actually LOVE surprises; Doorbells ringing 4 times at minutes to 2am; People who wait outside of peoples homes, etc.
This is the correlation: The one human that I loathe, my mother, as much as she didn't raise me because we have no connection with one another she inadvertently trained my mind that I'm too good to chase after any man on this planet. A combination of my looks, intelligence and pride is too much for me to stalk any man. Any. And though I have grown to despise her more, we both share the same sentiment of confusion when women stalk men. WORSE so, if this man is not your husband.
It's something that leaves my mind truly blank.
The only thing that fills the space is that the more I draw close to this man, the more I feel and I'm throwing myself at him, meanwhile he's throwing himself at everyone else.
All of us chickens in the coop get fed, but some are apparently laying golden eggs, some of them just plain white eggs and I'm failing to produce at all. We're all aware that we're part of a coop..all "97" of us "chickens" but the name of the game is who is going to be the farmer's favorite.
Or in the end will the Farmer just pick a pig instead..
All it evokes in me is fear.
I don't know if I should be more fearful of the other chickens trying to pluck my feathers off one by one, or of knowing that I'm not the only chicken that the Farmer wants is just as painful as grabbing a handful of my feathers at one time. Or should I fear like the other chickens that he may not choose any of us, but a totally different animal..one we've never saw coming.
And as I laid awake, hearing a chicken ring door bells, and wait outside of a home in full on stalker mode to get to the farmer..I fought my tears.
Tears of gratefulness that maybe, Mother dear was good for something besides destroying my soul-she made me too prideful to call a man back more than once, to ring doorbells and wait outside homes.. Tears of guilt, that someone has to feel something for the Farmer the way I do..to stalk. Tears of anger and frustration that if I ever became the chosen chicken, will it always be a life of someone lurking around in efforts to pluck all my feathers?
But I didn't cry in front of the Farmer..I won't open up my soul that much until a soul is opened up to me; a mistake I've made too many a time before. And I didn't cry driving home, even though the heat of my tears brimming burned my eyes.
But I cry now, at home.
Upon entry, after a fight with my mother, upstairs behind a closed door, I can cry now.
Cry over losing her.
Cry over always being left in the coop.
Cry in absolute fear.
I can cry now.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I Am
Today is October 16th, 2009..my last entry was September 30th.
"Sometimes, having a big heart leads to an even bigger shield around it. However, keeping a sword is completely optional".
I am broken.
I am broken.
I am broken.
I am the owner of a big heart.
I am a carrier of a thyroid disorder.
Maybe, I am a lush.
I am tired.
I am cranky.
I am cold.
I am officially depressed.
I am a clown, wearing a smile when I want to do everything but smile.
I am sensitive.
I am sensitive.
I am sensitive.
I am open.
I am closed.
I am dying.
I am falling apart.
I am lonely.
I am afraid.
I am running.
I am standing still.
I am going through the motions.
I am trying to progress.
I am failing.
I am successful.
I am weak
I am weak.
I am weak.
I am strong.
I am strong
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am sick.
I am sick.
I am needy.
I am angry.
I am angry.
I am angry.
I am alone.
I am a writer.
I am a genius.
I am lost.
I am creative.
I am messy.
I am growing.
And it's true, I am lacking in self-belief
I am feeling defeated.
I am frustrated.
I am empty but I am full in that I am in pain.
I am stubborn.
I am opinionated.
I am struggling.
I am a fighter.
I am easily hurt.
I am easily distraught.
I am a believer in love.
I am avid in not supporting vengeance.
I am not at peace.
However, I am me.
Whatever I believe I am, I am being that me to the fullest extent.
I am hurting.
I am hurting.
I am hurting.
The hurt surrounds me day and night and reinforces the reasoning behind why I keep a set-a shield and sword. My shield is still up, and at the moment, thicker than it has been in the past only because I hurt so very much..but I AM working on putting my sword down.
I AM working on putting it down.
"Sometimes, having a big heart leads to an even bigger shield around it. However, keeping a sword is completely optional".
I am broken.
I am broken.
I am broken.
I am the owner of a big heart.
I am a carrier of a thyroid disorder.
Maybe, I am a lush.
I am tired.
I am cranky.
I am cold.
I am officially depressed.
I am a clown, wearing a smile when I want to do everything but smile.
I am sensitive.
I am sensitive.
I am sensitive.
I am open.
I am closed.
I am dying.
I am falling apart.
I am lonely.
I am afraid.
I am running.
I am standing still.
I am going through the motions.
I am trying to progress.
I am failing.
I am successful.
I am weak
I am weak.
I am weak.
I am strong.
I am strong
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am sick.
I am sick.
I am needy.
I am angry.
I am angry.
I am angry.
I am alone.
I am a writer.
I am a genius.
I am lost.
I am creative.
I am messy.
I am growing.
And it's true, I am lacking in self-belief
I am feeling defeated.
I am frustrated.
I am empty but I am full in that I am in pain.
I am stubborn.
I am opinionated.
I am struggling.
I am a fighter.
I am easily hurt.
I am easily distraught.
I am a believer in love.
I am avid in not supporting vengeance.
I am not at peace.
However, I am me.
Whatever I believe I am, I am being that me to the fullest extent.
I am hurting.
I am hurting.
I am hurting.
The hurt surrounds me day and night and reinforces the reasoning behind why I keep a set-a shield and sword. My shield is still up, and at the moment, thicker than it has been in the past only because I hurt so very much..but I AM working on putting my sword down.
I AM working on putting it down.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
New Jack Update: I Just Hide Behind The Tears of a Clown
"Don't let them say you ain't beautiful...just stay true to you.."
I'm finding that the prospect of me staying true to me, when it's absolutely most necessary to my brain that I need to be, is becoming single-handedly the hardest thing my heart has had to do these days.
It's always been instilled to me that its imperative that one stays true to their most inner being, the soul, the representative of self. It's always been construed that when one doesn't do as such that they can ..seemingly lose themselves,in the worst way. In some cases, literally, look at some mental patients. My fear is that, I'm on the road to losing myself.
I'm terrified to be alone with my own feelings right now. Worse so terrified to be alone with my own pain. It seems that the more I don't want to be alone with my own pain and feelings, it seems the more I am. I spoke to my BFF recently about my reluctance to even speak with her on the matters at hand that currently fog my brain..in the last couple months she's delegated some tough love that I don't need in the least right now. I need a more nurturing spirit at this time, as if...nurturing something inside of me. It's as if, all this pain and all these feelings swirling inside me are brewing something..or conjuring up a beast of sorts within an egg inside me. Taking that outlook, I feel that the more tough love I get, is only going to nurture the egg the wrong way..and when it hatches, God help everyone if that's the case. I feel that if I were to come across more nurturing spirits, whatever comes out of this "egg" when I heal will be for the better. I don't know if anyone truly grasps how fragile I currently am.
Everyone deems me as "the strong one" and this is the second time I've ever felt so weak in my entire life. The same powerless, fragile, empty floating feeling I had when my grandmother passed. Everyone showered me with the same, "But Deidre, you've always been the strong one" then why do I feel like I'm dying.
Why do I feel like I'm losing pieces of my soul entirely...
Why do I feel as if I'm trying to make a better me, and the circumstances have been flipped in such a direction that instead of thinking outside the box..I'm trapped in it..
Why do I cry everyday..
Why do I not sleep at night..
Why does one man I wanted have nothing in his life together, and the current man I want have everything in his life together but doesn't solely want me..
Why am I hiding from my best friend, and myself all at the same time..
I'm so alone. Partly in truth, and partly by choice. People want to help me, others want me to just man up when I simply currently cannot and no one can help me all at the same time.
I'm aware of everything and nothing at the same time. The only thing I feel like I'm truly knowledgeable of..is how much pain and how depressed I am. I might acknowledge it publicly via Twitter here and there, in which my best friend and I even got into something about that the other day..but out of everything I don't know, I do I'm in a lot of pain. I do know that when I'm out with friends, I fight to not have a breakdown and in truth, "I just hide behind the tears of a clown". The pain of wanting and needing so much on so many various levels and having nor in close reach of any of it. That's whats knowledgeable to me. That's what I feel around the clock.
But I still laugh. I still crack all the good jokes in public. That's what clowns do as long as their makeup is on, the show must go on.
And I wonder...if "I'd be one tough act to follow"then why do the men in my life fuck up so much..
If "I'd be one tough act to follow"..then why do people see it so necessary to hurt me until I leave them..
With all the clown makeup on, I wonder how much longer until my face paint cracks..
Though I've hit The Turning Point, I've again found it hard to remember sometimes that all my struggles are for a reason. I'm not overcoming them, they're taking over my body.
Taking over me in the same symbiotic fashion that Venom did Spiderman...
Spiderman prevailed at the end realizing that soundwaves of a bell were able to pull the symbiont off of him..
Where is my bell to ring..because I'm more than knee deep in Venom..
I'm finding that the prospect of me staying true to me, when it's absolutely most necessary to my brain that I need to be, is becoming single-handedly the hardest thing my heart has had to do these days.
It's always been instilled to me that its imperative that one stays true to their most inner being, the soul, the representative of self. It's always been construed that when one doesn't do as such that they can ..seemingly lose themselves,in the worst way. In some cases, literally, look at some mental patients. My fear is that, I'm on the road to losing myself.
I'm terrified to be alone with my own feelings right now. Worse so terrified to be alone with my own pain. It seems that the more I don't want to be alone with my own pain and feelings, it seems the more I am. I spoke to my BFF recently about my reluctance to even speak with her on the matters at hand that currently fog my brain..in the last couple months she's delegated some tough love that I don't need in the least right now. I need a more nurturing spirit at this time, as if...nurturing something inside of me. It's as if, all this pain and all these feelings swirling inside me are brewing something..or conjuring up a beast of sorts within an egg inside me. Taking that outlook, I feel that the more tough love I get, is only going to nurture the egg the wrong way..and when it hatches, God help everyone if that's the case. I feel that if I were to come across more nurturing spirits, whatever comes out of this "egg" when I heal will be for the better. I don't know if anyone truly grasps how fragile I currently am.
Everyone deems me as "the strong one" and this is the second time I've ever felt so weak in my entire life. The same powerless, fragile, empty floating feeling I had when my grandmother passed. Everyone showered me with the same, "But Deidre, you've always been the strong one" then why do I feel like I'm dying.
Why do I feel like I'm losing pieces of my soul entirely...
Why do I feel as if I'm trying to make a better me, and the circumstances have been flipped in such a direction that instead of thinking outside the box..I'm trapped in it..
Why do I cry everyday..
Why do I not sleep at night..
Why does one man I wanted have nothing in his life together, and the current man I want have everything in his life together but doesn't solely want me..
Why am I hiding from my best friend, and myself all at the same time..
I'm so alone. Partly in truth, and partly by choice. People want to help me, others want me to just man up when I simply currently cannot and no one can help me all at the same time.
I'm aware of everything and nothing at the same time. The only thing I feel like I'm truly knowledgeable of..is how much pain and how depressed I am. I might acknowledge it publicly via Twitter here and there, in which my best friend and I even got into something about that the other day..but out of everything I don't know, I do I'm in a lot of pain. I do know that when I'm out with friends, I fight to not have a breakdown and in truth, "I just hide behind the tears of a clown". The pain of wanting and needing so much on so many various levels and having nor in close reach of any of it. That's whats knowledgeable to me. That's what I feel around the clock.
But I still laugh. I still crack all the good jokes in public. That's what clowns do as long as their makeup is on, the show must go on.
And I wonder...if "I'd be one tough act to follow"then why do the men in my life fuck up so much..
If "I'd be one tough act to follow"..then why do people see it so necessary to hurt me until I leave them..
With all the clown makeup on, I wonder how much longer until my face paint cracks..
Though I've hit The Turning Point, I've again found it hard to remember sometimes that all my struggles are for a reason. I'm not overcoming them, they're taking over my body.
Taking over me in the same symbiotic fashion that Venom did Spiderman...
Spiderman prevailed at the end realizing that soundwaves of a bell were able to pull the symbiont off of him..
Where is my bell to ring..because I'm more than knee deep in Venom..
Friday, September 11, 2009
New Jack Update: Going Back to Cali
I've been thinking...
Needless to say, anyone who knows the depth in which I function I am an over thinker to a fault.
I stated in Deep Inside of You that:
Turmoil and conflict exist...they are indeed a necessary evil.
Belittlement, disrespect and insecurity however, are not.
I'm starting to feel an indirect mixture of the two levels, in which I refuse to sit back and be comfortable in.
This time, I'm going to seek a near permanent solution for it.
In recent analysis of the groups of friends I keep, the conflict that exists-unnecessarily along with the combination of personality traits and behaviors I have come to the conclusion that I will forever be in this complex position if I do not remove the people who cause the issues or remove myself. I personally, have accepted the Summer of 2009 to be a blessing as the true colors of many have doth been revealed. Without that revelation, I would be in a miserable state of mind. The combination of these revelations, the inability of many to anything Brand New and even acceptance levels that it is what it is I have chosen to remove myself.
In order for me to excel in The Turning Point I have to acknowledge that there is a REASON why things don't change. People don't change. Situations don't change. Feelings don't change. I'm tired of things not changing. I'm tired of having to expect particular behavior and I'm tired of having to settle for less than my mind is worth.
With that being said, I'm investigating a four to six month live-in in California.
I already have someone to live with, I just need to come up with the money. I've always heard New Yorker celebrities state that they never got discovered until they picked up and moved to California and likewise, Californians have always said the same regarding their careers until they moved to New York. The same circle of drama is not progressing my life any further forward, it's just diverting my attention from chasing my own greatness.
And that, is not what I need in the least.
I can only hope, as there is a reason for everything, that when I pick up and move the people I left behind grow. I can only pray for their growth, not coerce it. I'm too fed up of the same excuses, same explanations and same old drama. As tired as I am just like in The Turning Point, I have to accept the reason. Maybe, me being so sick of what is constantly going on is the kick in the ass I needed to move on.
Who knows?
Or maybe, I'll find out as soon as I get to Cali.........
Needless to say, anyone who knows the depth in which I function I am an over thinker to a fault.
I stated in Deep Inside of You that:
Turmoil and conflict exist...they are indeed a necessary evil.
Belittlement, disrespect and insecurity however, are not.
I'm starting to feel an indirect mixture of the two levels, in which I refuse to sit back and be comfortable in.
This time, I'm going to seek a near permanent solution for it.
In recent analysis of the groups of friends I keep, the conflict that exists-unnecessarily along with the combination of personality traits and behaviors I have come to the conclusion that I will forever be in this complex position if I do not remove the people who cause the issues or remove myself. I personally, have accepted the Summer of 2009 to be a blessing as the true colors of many have doth been revealed. Without that revelation, I would be in a miserable state of mind. The combination of these revelations, the inability of many to anything Brand New and even acceptance levels that it is what it is I have chosen to remove myself.
In order for me to excel in The Turning Point I have to acknowledge that there is a REASON why things don't change. People don't change. Situations don't change. Feelings don't change. I'm tired of things not changing. I'm tired of having to expect particular behavior and I'm tired of having to settle for less than my mind is worth.
With that being said, I'm investigating a four to six month live-in in California.
I already have someone to live with, I just need to come up with the money. I've always heard New Yorker celebrities state that they never got discovered until they picked up and moved to California and likewise, Californians have always said the same regarding their careers until they moved to New York. The same circle of drama is not progressing my life any further forward, it's just diverting my attention from chasing my own greatness.
And that, is not what I need in the least.
I can only hope, as there is a reason for everything, that when I pick up and move the people I left behind grow. I can only pray for their growth, not coerce it. I'm too fed up of the same excuses, same explanations and same old drama. As tired as I am just like in The Turning Point, I have to accept the reason. Maybe, me being so sick of what is constantly going on is the kick in the ass I needed to move on.
Who knows?
Or maybe, I'll find out as soon as I get to Cali.........
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
New Jack Update: The Starting FIVE
Some SLICES of cake will give you food poisoning, OTHERS are so good that they hit home when you eat them..however, after awhile SOME OF the TOO good SLICES might just give you CAVITIES if you overindulge.
Think about it....
Your main issue will be that cavities of the heart, similar to canker sores of the mouth doth spread if the infection itself is left untreated.Love is indeed the most beautiful thing that this world has to offer, however, love is also known to be infectious. There is a power that love can use to captivate and hold us that we can spread to one another, just as easily if we were to spread hate.
Love being infectious as it is..I'm coming to truly realize that I've been infected for quite some time now and maybe it's time to slowly being cleaning up all the wounds that I've half patched up. When you cover up wounds with band-aids before putting an ointment on first, the wounds take double as long to heal.
I want to be fully healed.
No more patching.
In order to stop patching up wounds left by solely The Significant I've initiated a starting 5, if you will. Assembled a team of "basketball"players of men, possible suitors, that are ranked in order of what they do for me-mentally as well as physically.
The MVP is The Significant. The MVP, standing for "Most Valuable Player" is the one of the five I should be willing to drop all other 4 members of the team for. The MVP is the one you think is THE one. You feel your entire team might as well collapse without his presence. How does a coach successfully win a game without the MVP to lead the remaining team members?
The All-Star: The All-Star pick is the second to the MVP. When the MVP fails, the All-Star is who I turn to. Focused and driven, the All-Star is the favorite draft pick of mine as well as my friends who know about him. Many suggest that the All-Star be moved up into MVP status, but the All-Star doesn't move because as a player he hasn't proven himself fully to the Coach. He's a fan favorite...he still has work to do for the Coach.
The remaining 3: My Point-Guards & Shooter: The remaining 3 members of my team can be fillers. They do indeed serve purpose...weekend love, movies, dinner etc. in some far instances, even sex. Sex is usually set for only the all-star & MVP if the MVP is causing problems. Sex goes to the Shooter primarily over the Point-Guards. The remaining 3 don't usually elevate from this level because they're lacking something major-mostly mental/emotional support. They're usually good for just a good time...financially, parties, a hand to hold at the movies, a dinner date that you don't pay for...
My current issue is...after 3 whole years, I might have just come across the courage to release the MVP from his contract. The MVP IS my favorite player. He's usually always held the coach down, and I'm always rooting for him. However, when an MVP realizes that they hold an elevated position over the other players, they get the most time on the court and that they're the highest paid in the league..they get spoiled. They don't carry the same determination and drive that they had when they were playing ball looking and begging to be drafted. They get lazy. Expectant of the free hotel rooms, money & try to pick up as many other women as they can because they KNOW how valuable they are. It all goes to their head & they're too quick to pull out their contract & show the Coach the rider lists with requests and demands but with no current work for show...it's too much talk back.
As the fan favorite, everyone is rooting for the All-Star to be promoted to the MVP position. However, what many don't realize is that he hasn't proven his weight to the Coach. Yes, he comes through in the clutch when the MVP is exhausted and racks up the points I need, however he's not a stable steady worker as the MVP is signed to be. All-Star picks have a tendency to get so cocky since they know that they're fan favorites. They know what to do, and what to say to get their way with the fans and they seem to believe they have the Coach wrapped around their finger the same way they have the fans. The Coach always knows the true motives of a player...
So after I release the MVP, do I just remain MVP-less? Or knowing the intentions of the All-Star are not all true, do I sign a promotion contract or just leave the All-Star playing his current position?
Thursday, September 3, 2009
New Jack Update: Identity Crisis
Mirror, Mirror on the wall..who's the fairest of them all?
It's fair enough to say, in just the quote alone that the Queen in Snow White was indeed under some belief that she wasn't as adequate as other females who lived in the land. That's the exact reason why she had to ask the mirror, DAILY, "who's the fairest of them all?". Her high level of insecurity about who she is, poised her to ask herself these questions.
The day that the Queen heard the mirror tell her that there IS someone that exists fairer than her, she had a meltdown.
She flipped shit, basically....
The idea that she wasn't the fairest one sent her into such a rampage that she needed to track down who Snow White was, and kill her so that she could return to the status of being the fairest of them all.
It's fair enough, that I'm seeing some surrounding members are undergoing an identity crisis that is now officially driving me "bats", to quote The Joker. It's funny, that again, my BFF, Linette and I were discussing this last night...and not to toot my own horn but some individuals are following my "path" to fame to a tee.
It's sad, cause I truly recognize it as an identity crisis...they can't be themselves, so they feel it necessary to be ME in every sense of the word. Every move I make, they mimic, every idea, every notion. I think that we've all been put on earth by God, the Lord our Creator with UNIQUE and INDIVIDUAL talents. Some of us, have talents that overlap or share some things, which of course makes us all relatable and able to have friendships, relationships, love, etc.
However, not ONE of us, has the exact same path to fame, road to glory, life pattern, disappointments, joys, etc. or else God wouldn't have MADE one of us if TWO of us were going to have the same EXACT path.
I know..EXACTLY..what my path is. Why is it that people would find it necessary to copy my path, EXACTLY as opposed to making their own path? Did I NOT just write a post like, 24 hours ago titled, Deep Inside of You about finding what lies inside of you? Utilize what you have. Don't try to make yourself into something you're not, out of something you don't possess ..and worse so, never did. I never, ever supported people being something they're not...especially after undergoing a friendship with a Spanish woman, who doesn't frequent our group anymore who I had to play New Jack 2.0 for.
You should want to be YOU ..all day, everyday... just because you're not ME, doesn't make YOU any LESS glamorous, smart, funny, pretty or cool.
All it does, is make you, less whole.
So please....
Stop trying to kill my path to the Prince as I am Snow White...just be the Queen and drop the identity crisis..
After all I mean aside from the insecurities...there was nothing wrong with the Queen to begin with..
It's fair enough to say, in just the quote alone that the Queen in Snow White was indeed under some belief that she wasn't as adequate as other females who lived in the land. That's the exact reason why she had to ask the mirror, DAILY, "who's the fairest of them all?". Her high level of insecurity about who she is, poised her to ask herself these questions.
The day that the Queen heard the mirror tell her that there IS someone that exists fairer than her, she had a meltdown.
She flipped shit, basically....
The idea that she wasn't the fairest one sent her into such a rampage that she needed to track down who Snow White was, and kill her so that she could return to the status of being the fairest of them all.
It's fair enough, that I'm seeing some surrounding members are undergoing an identity crisis that is now officially driving me "bats", to quote The Joker. It's funny, that again, my BFF, Linette and I were discussing this last night...and not to toot my own horn but some individuals are following my "path" to fame to a tee.
It's sad, cause I truly recognize it as an identity crisis...they can't be themselves, so they feel it necessary to be ME in every sense of the word. Every move I make, they mimic, every idea, every notion. I think that we've all been put on earth by God, the Lord our Creator with UNIQUE and INDIVIDUAL talents. Some of us, have talents that overlap or share some things, which of course makes us all relatable and able to have friendships, relationships, love, etc.
However, not ONE of us, has the exact same path to fame, road to glory, life pattern, disappointments, joys, etc. or else God wouldn't have MADE one of us if TWO of us were going to have the same EXACT path.
I know..EXACTLY..what my path is. Why is it that people would find it necessary to copy my path, EXACTLY as opposed to making their own path? Did I NOT just write a post like, 24 hours ago titled, Deep Inside of You about finding what lies inside of you? Utilize what you have. Don't try to make yourself into something you're not, out of something you don't possess ..and worse so, never did. I never, ever supported people being something they're not...especially after undergoing a friendship with a Spanish woman, who doesn't frequent our group anymore who I had to play New Jack 2.0 for.
You should want to be YOU ..all day, everyday... just because you're not ME, doesn't make YOU any LESS glamorous, smart, funny, pretty or cool.
All it does, is make you, less whole.
So please....
Stop trying to kill my path to the Prince as I am Snow White...just be the Queen and drop the identity crisis..
After all I mean aside from the insecurities...there was nothing wrong with the Queen to begin with..
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
New Jack Update: Deep Inside of You
I got into a very nice, and heartfelt deep conversation with my BFF, Linette this afternoon..something that spanned over 5 hours on the phone.
Thank you, Verizon to Verizon minutes...
I can't get heavy into the detail of everything we spoke of, just as it is too long, too draining and too much truth for those who actually read my blog to actually handle.
People need to realize that there is something deep inside of them. You either utilize it for good, or lose it to evil. There's been series of events that have taken place over the entire of Summer '09 that has enlightened the two of us to depth and in some cases lack there of, in plenty of people we know.
You don't realize the conflicts that exist between us all until you start to go in looking for what's deep inside of you. I've realized that some of the people I interact with, think they realize all that's deep inside of them...some of them have a lot more turmoil than they'd like to admit and deal with. Others have accepted the turmoil that exists within them, but have chosen to not advance forward and turn the blind eye to it.
Turmoil and conflict exist...it is indeed a necessary evil.
Belittlement, disrespect and insecurity however, are not.
Summer 2009 has been a true blessing. Without it, I wouldn't know where I stand or how to position the people in my life. I realize what's deep inside of them...but do they? The things they need to fix, the things they're talented at, things that need to be left alone as well as things that need improvement.
Do you realize what's actually deep inside of you?
Deep Inside Of You - Third Eye Blind
Thank you, Verizon to Verizon minutes...
I can't get heavy into the detail of everything we spoke of, just as it is too long, too draining and too much truth for those who actually read my blog to actually handle.
People need to realize that there is something deep inside of them. You either utilize it for good, or lose it to evil. There's been series of events that have taken place over the entire of Summer '09 that has enlightened the two of us to depth and in some cases lack there of, in plenty of people we know.
You don't realize the conflicts that exist between us all until you start to go in looking for what's deep inside of you. I've realized that some of the people I interact with, think they realize all that's deep inside of them...some of them have a lot more turmoil than they'd like to admit and deal with. Others have accepted the turmoil that exists within them, but have chosen to not advance forward and turn the blind eye to it.
Turmoil and conflict exist...it is indeed a necessary evil.
Belittlement, disrespect and insecurity however, are not.
Summer 2009 has been a true blessing. Without it, I wouldn't know where I stand or how to position the people in my life. I realize what's deep inside of them...but do they? The things they need to fix, the things they're talented at, things that need to be left alone as well as things that need improvement.
Do you realize what's actually deep inside of you?
Deep Inside Of You - Third Eye Blind
Friday, August 14, 2009
The Turning Point
There's a reason.
There's a reason for it all no matter how lost and confused I am half the days of my life, but there is a reason. For the first time in 23 years, I'm realizing it's okay to not know what that reason is right away because God knows what that reason is. My BFF, Linette has always pointed out my high levels of negativity and for so long I never saw eye-to-eye with what she was saying until now. I have such a loud, new, fresh out look on life because I think I finally realize now that there's a reason.
I may not know the reason right away, but I'm now truly content with knowing that there's a reason altogether.
There's a reason why I was the one who came up with, "The New Jack"; There's a reason why I was the one to come up with "Shoes From Last Night"; There's a reason why The Significant always got caughtcheating; A rason why I was downgraded to the car I now have; A reason why I lost this past job I had; A reason why I've been in Jamaica, the place of my birth for four days for fucking free at that.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, that has happened in my past, negatively matters...
It's all been a set up for some things I couldn't forsee, but always the right thing for me. For example, I've been so miserable of the car downgrade that I endured only 10 days after my birthday, the accident that cause all that drama...no car for two whole months and financial woes I'm still playing catch up on. You couldn't tell me I wasn't being punished. A month after geting this lesser valued car, I lost my job. Howwould I have supported the higher valued car had I been unemployed? Now, not saying that upkeeping this one with no job will be cake, but imagine if I would've got in June, a 2009 car. How would I have paid the lease plus insurance payment? In getting a 1997 car, I only have an insurance payment to deal with, and from my last pay check from my job I've used it to pay my insurance through October. I couldn't see the reason but I see it now.God had a plan for me. i just didn't know about it. So instead, I just was a prick for 2 1/2 months to just get hit with, "duh".
With 'The New Jack', I've always been stressing looking for web help because I've been ready to take things to the next, next level. But maybe, it's just wasn't time yet. It seems that maybe I've just found the help I was looking for because the domain expires in 3 weeks. Just enough time for me to the the grand conversion. There's a reason I wrote this on paper, on a balcony at a 5-star resort...I feel like, it's the turning point. I finally realize that the ability to write is something wat put here, but Him, I didn't buy it somewhere. There's a reason why we moved to New York from Jamaica, my family. There's a reason why I know who I know. And even if I don't get the full reason all the time, does it really truly matter if He knows the reason?
No, it doesnt. I believe in my sould now that it doesn't matter.
Tightrope walkers never look down, for where your head goes, your body goes. They look at where they're trying to get to, for it doesn't matter if you're sure of if you're going to get across but He knows if and how to get you across. So why have I spent so much time focusing on the how, when someone else already knows, "the way" to? I've been so deeply rooted in negativity, since 2007. Another turning point, leaving a total comfort zone & falling straight into the fire pit head first. I've had my ups but I've been forever focused on the downs and it's true, Linette has tried to show me and she's been right....
Linette has always been relaxed in "the way to", never the "how to". I joke on her for what I've always considered to be her lack of reality, bt she consistently relaxes in "the way to". It's never "how are we getting to Manhattan" or "how are we paying for this meal" or "Are we sure we're getting a ride to this location". It's always "Dee, we know the way to Manhattan, so just start looking up train times". I've been doing so much thinking...I really wishI could get it all out.
All I know is...
I'm ready to change. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to love. I'm ready to immerse myself in the good. I'm ready to believe and I'm ready to trust. I might be scared of it, because indeed, trust is the biggest fear of all for me, but I'm ready to try it again. Some times, it may hurt, more than I think I can bare. But truth be told, even when it hurts, would I still be here standing if it wasn't something I could survive? Wouldn't I have crumbled already?
But I am standing...and that's not a dream.
No matter how much it hurts, I'm still standing. Because He is holding me by that tightrope harness.
So if I know that for a fact, then why look down?
There's a reason for it all no matter how lost and confused I am half the days of my life, but there is a reason. For the first time in 23 years, I'm realizing it's okay to not know what that reason is right away because God knows what that reason is. My BFF, Linette has always pointed out my high levels of negativity and for so long I never saw eye-to-eye with what she was saying until now. I have such a loud, new, fresh out look on life because I think I finally realize now that there's a reason.
I may not know the reason right away, but I'm now truly content with knowing that there's a reason altogether.
There's a reason why I was the one who came up with, "The New Jack"; There's a reason why I was the one to come up with "Shoes From Last Night"; There's a reason why The Significant always got caughtcheating; A rason why I was downgraded to the car I now have; A reason why I lost this past job I had; A reason why I've been in Jamaica, the place of my birth for four days for fucking free at that.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, that has happened in my past, negatively matters...
It's all been a set up for some things I couldn't forsee, but always the right thing for me. For example, I've been so miserable of the car downgrade that I endured only 10 days after my birthday, the accident that cause all that drama...no car for two whole months and financial woes I'm still playing catch up on. You couldn't tell me I wasn't being punished. A month after geting this lesser valued car, I lost my job. Howwould I have supported the higher valued car had I been unemployed? Now, not saying that upkeeping this one with no job will be cake, but imagine if I would've got in June, a 2009 car. How would I have paid the lease plus insurance payment? In getting a 1997 car, I only have an insurance payment to deal with, and from my last pay check from my job I've used it to pay my insurance through October. I couldn't see the reason but I see it now.God had a plan for me. i just didn't know about it. So instead, I just was a prick for 2 1/2 months to just get hit with, "duh".
With 'The New Jack', I've always been stressing looking for web help because I've been ready to take things to the next, next level. But maybe, it's just wasn't time yet. It seems that maybe I've just found the help I was looking for because the domain expires in 3 weeks. Just enough time for me to the the grand conversion. There's a reason I wrote this on paper, on a balcony at a 5-star resort...I feel like, it's the turning point. I finally realize that the ability to write is something wat put here, but Him, I didn't buy it somewhere. There's a reason why we moved to New York from Jamaica, my family. There's a reason why I know who I know. And even if I don't get the full reason all the time, does it really truly matter if He knows the reason?
No, it doesnt. I believe in my sould now that it doesn't matter.
Tightrope walkers never look down, for where your head goes, your body goes. They look at where they're trying to get to, for it doesn't matter if you're sure of if you're going to get across but He knows if and how to get you across. So why have I spent so much time focusing on the how, when someone else already knows, "the way" to? I've been so deeply rooted in negativity, since 2007. Another turning point, leaving a total comfort zone & falling straight into the fire pit head first. I've had my ups but I've been forever focused on the downs and it's true, Linette has tried to show me and she's been right....
Linette has always been relaxed in "the way to", never the "how to". I joke on her for what I've always considered to be her lack of reality, bt she consistently relaxes in "the way to". It's never "how are we getting to Manhattan" or "how are we paying for this meal" or "Are we sure we're getting a ride to this location". It's always "Dee, we know the way to Manhattan, so just start looking up train times". I've been doing so much thinking...I really wishI could get it all out.
All I know is...
I'm ready to change. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to love. I'm ready to immerse myself in the good. I'm ready to believe and I'm ready to trust. I might be scared of it, because indeed, trust is the biggest fear of all for me, but I'm ready to try it again. Some times, it may hurt, more than I think I can bare. But truth be told, even when it hurts, would I still be here standing if it wasn't something I could survive? Wouldn't I have crumbled already?
But I am standing...and that's not a dream.
No matter how much it hurts, I'm still standing. Because He is holding me by that tightrope harness.
So if I know that for a fact, then why look down?
Friday, July 17, 2009
New Jack Update: Rockin Robin
Tweet this and tweet that..
I realize more and more how much I could truly be in need of break. I'm extremely aggravated with a great multitude of my friends. I'm annoyed with Twitter and how it has been used as tool against one another and has replaced forms of basic communication, and how people think it suffices as a way to apologize.
I've downgraded my tweets so much after a fit full of drama that happened over last weekend, spilling into the beginning of this week. Sadly, I had to address both issues in the writings of Brand New and To Serve and Protect. I think that what saddens me the most, is that not only did it come out in full force that my writings were STILL not understood to the depth in which they were written, but even other people mixed themselves into the mess when they weren't needed and remained unapologetic for it.
I am feeling better...one day at a time...in such a short span of time, I've realized how immature, selfish, pride-filled, unapologetic, careless and plain ridiculous some of the friends I have truly are. I am on my pathway to doing something brand new as I've already signed up to volunteer to make birthday surprise baskets for terminally ill children and I'm not tooting my own horn, I'm just focused on my own progress. The day before yesterday, I had the worst blog page views I've ever had, since my skyrocket. It was almost as if I was just starting out again. And I'm realizing, as much as that was like a knife to my heart...maybe that's the key.
Maybe the key is, letting a few friends of mine sit in "time out" and letting them fall to complete rock bottom so that they themselves can awake and realize it's time to do something brand new. Maybe it was necessary for me to hit rock bottom with the page views, to just decide to really teach myself one step at a time how to make my own layout and do all I need to do with The New Jack.
Instead of Rockin Robin, and staying on Twitter and tweet, tweet, tweeting maybe the key is work, work, working......
I mean, after all that's already occured, I've very much proven that I'm one of the good eggs in the nest.
I realize more and more how much I could truly be in need of break. I'm extremely aggravated with a great multitude of my friends. I'm annoyed with Twitter and how it has been used as tool against one another and has replaced forms of basic communication, and how people think it suffices as a way to apologize.
I've downgraded my tweets so much after a fit full of drama that happened over last weekend, spilling into the beginning of this week. Sadly, I had to address both issues in the writings of Brand New and To Serve and Protect. I think that what saddens me the most, is that not only did it come out in full force that my writings were STILL not understood to the depth in which they were written, but even other people mixed themselves into the mess when they weren't needed and remained unapologetic for it.
I am feeling better...one day at a time...in such a short span of time, I've realized how immature, selfish, pride-filled, unapologetic, careless and plain ridiculous some of the friends I have truly are. I am on my pathway to doing something brand new as I've already signed up to volunteer to make birthday surprise baskets for terminally ill children and I'm not tooting my own horn, I'm just focused on my own progress. The day before yesterday, I had the worst blog page views I've ever had, since my skyrocket. It was almost as if I was just starting out again. And I'm realizing, as much as that was like a knife to my heart...maybe that's the key.
Maybe the key is, letting a few friends of mine sit in "time out" and letting them fall to complete rock bottom so that they themselves can awake and realize it's time to do something brand new. Maybe it was necessary for me to hit rock bottom with the page views, to just decide to really teach myself one step at a time how to make my own layout and do all I need to do with The New Jack.
Instead of Rockin Robin, and staying on Twitter and tweet, tweet, tweeting maybe the key is work, work, working......
I mean, after all that's already occured, I've very much proven that I'm one of the good eggs in the nest.
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