Breakeven

Written on 2/2/2010:

I have to breakeven now.

Instead, all I've been doing is breaking down.

It's crazy that in two months, I'll be 24 years old and I'm realizing for the first time in these 23.82 years that it's ok to break down. Especially when the people closest to you know the truth. It's ok to be vulnerable.

People take advantage of people not because something is wrong with that person, or because that person is necessarily weak. I've always felt that I've been preyed upon because of 'weakness'. In turn, I've become a sort of monster.

I truly have. A beast of sorts.

I do lash out. Near constantly.

I scream. At levels that would break a child to tears and make any adult flee in fear.

I do this because I hurt so much. I handle mental pain so horribly. My tolerance for physical pain 1000 times exceeds the tolerance for anyone remotely telling me my shoes are ugly.

Or that my blouse is not their "cup of tea".

To quote The Script, "I'm falling to pieces".

I truly, truly have been. It's been brewing for years now. Maybe even as far back as my grandmother passing in 2005. I've been a wild child.
No sense of direction.
Random spurts of direction and focus.
Everything else chaotic, messy and just plain wild. Living on the edge and damn near letting people push me off of it. Patience, out the damn window the day she died.

I'm not erasing what has happened. Or attempting to erase all the pain I've felt and even currently feel, but I have to at some point just breakeven. I have to.

The pain isn't progressing me, it isn't building me, it's been destroying me. It pushes away the people that I'm most close to, and if I think I'm feeling pain now...just imagine if all the pain that I lash out on the surface were to push these people away permanently.

That's a pain I don't want to imagine, or more importantly endure.

I'm in love with this same All-Star that I wasn't supposed to fall for in the first place. I'm letting it warp my mind to the point that I'm not breaking even, again I'm breaking down. We had an honest conversation and he loves me but he isn't in love with me. There's a difference that sometimes even I don't differentiate from. I wish it was the latter. I wish so much that he felt the same way I do that he's IN love with me. But I have to be real. I have to breakeven. Though my heart aches and all I think of is that the perfect person for me isn't in love with me..you have to break. How can you entitle the same privileges as a significant other to someone who isn't your significant other and has no desire to be.

Its hard though. When you know how your heart feels and that person tells you they love you..that they need you. You sink. You drown..in love and passion. Someway, somehow you're supposed to just put the breaks on and remind yourself "hey, you're never going to get anything out of this..they aren't IN love with you". When it comes to that, how do you breakeven.

I can't even breakeven with the Ex-Significant. He wants me back but after 3 1/2 years of irreconcilable damage..I can't take him back. To him, breaking even would be getting back together and to me that's not even, that's breaking me into more pieces that he's aided in creating.

No thank you.

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing"..hell, I'd just like to breathe in general. I'd like to go a week with no tears. I'd like to go a week without any repairs to ME to be made. Without some love longing for someone I cannot have or some situation I have no power to alter. I just want to breathe if that's ok with anyone.

Anyone.

You'd think my heart has hurt for so long over so much one would ask, "what does one need in order to numb out?" At this point not even elephant tranquilizers seem to be doing the trick. I respect pain now, and its not that I don't want to remove the ability to feel..I just want to feel happy.

I just want to breakeven and breathe easy. Just for awhile.

"I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing"...my goal now has to be to just breathe easy.

New Jack Update: Stalker Tactics

There has to obviously be something I'm missing...some correlation between the two that I just don't see...

These days my family is insistent upon things I don't see and apparently that I'm doing that is detrimental to myself.

I don't see them, or at least, not all of them. That's honesty.

This is a door

























This is a window..







































































They're points of entry way to one's home and if used correctly they provide a non-coerced entry into ones home. When denied entry, they can be used against the owner of the home in the fits of a forced entry.

Maybe, I'm not ready for this...for him..

There are no doubts in my mind that I want the All-Star and that he would be an ideal man for me, however..as a single man if you cant control your chickens then one should clean out the coop.

Just a thought.....

I don't do stalkers. Surprise visits-at least by parties that should know its not their place to surprise me, because I actually LOVE surprises; Doorbells ringing 4 times at minutes to 2am; People who wait outside of peoples homes, etc.
This is the correlation: The one human that I loathe, my mother, as much as she didn't raise me because we have no connection with one another she inadvertently trained my mind that I'm too good to chase after any man on this planet. A combination of my looks, intelligence and pride is too much for me to stalk any man. Any. And though I have grown to despise her more, we both share the same sentiment of confusion when women stalk men. WORSE so, if this man is not your husband.
It's something that leaves my mind truly blank.
The only thing that fills the space is that the more I draw close to this man, the more I feel and I'm throwing myself at him, meanwhile he's throwing himself at everyone else.

All of us chickens in the coop get fed, but some are apparently laying golden eggs, some of them just plain white eggs and I'm failing to produce at all. We're all aware that we're part of a coop..all "97" of us "chickens" but the name of the game is who is going to be the farmer's favorite.

Or in the end will the Farmer just pick a pig instead..
All it evokes in me is fear.

I don't know if I should be more fearful of the other chickens trying to pluck my feathers off one by one, or of knowing that I'm not the only chicken that the Farmer wants is just as painful as grabbing a handful of my feathers at one time. Or should I fear like the other chickens that he may not choose any of us, but a totally different animal..one we've never saw coming.

And as I laid awake, hearing a chicken ring door bells, and wait outside of a home in full on stalker mode to get to the farmer..I fought my tears.
Tears of gratefulness that maybe, Mother dear was good for something besides destroying my soul-she made me too prideful to call a man back more than once, to ring doorbells and wait outside homes.. Tears of guilt, that someone has to feel something for the Farmer the way I do..to stalk. Tears of anger and frustration that if I ever became the chosen chicken, will it always be a life of someone lurking around in efforts to pluck all my feathers?

But I didn't cry in front of the Farmer..I won't open up my soul that much until a soul is opened up to me; a mistake I've made too many a time before. And I didn't cry driving home, even though the heat of my tears brimming burned my eyes.

But I cry now, at home.
Upon entry, after a fight with my mother, upstairs behind a closed door, I can cry now.

Cry over losing her.
Cry over always being left in the coop.
Cry in absolute fear.

I can cry now.

New Jack Update: The Starting FIVE

Some SLICES of cake will give you food poisoning, OTHERS are so good that they hit home when you eat them..however, after awhile SOME OF the TOO good SLICES might just give you CAVITIES if you overindulge.

Think about it....

Your main issue will be that cavities of the heart, similar to canker sores of the mouth doth spread if the infection itself is left untreated.

Love is indeed the most beautiful thing that this world has to offer, however, love is also known to be infectious. There is a power that love can use to captivate and hold us that we can spread to one another, just as easily if we were to spread hate.
Love being infectious as it is..I'm coming to truly realize that I've been infected for quite some time now and maybe it's time to slowly being cleaning up all the wounds that I've half patched up. When you cover up wounds with band-aids before putting an ointment on first, the wounds take double as long to heal.

I want to be fully healed.

No more patching.

In order to stop patching up wounds left by solely The Significant I've initiated a starting 5, if you will. Assembled a team of "basketball"players of men, possible suitors, that are ranked in order of what they do for me-mentally as well as physically.

The MVP is The Significant. The MVP, standing for "Most Valuable Player" is the one of the five I should be willing to drop all other 4 members of the team for. The MVP is the one you think is THE one. You feel your entire team might as well collapse without his presence. How does a coach successfully win a game without the MVP to lead the remaining team members?

The All-Star: The All-Star pick is the second to the MVP. When the MVP fails, the All-Star is who I turn to. Focused and driven, the All-Star is the favorite draft pick of mine as well as my friends who know about him. Many suggest that the All-Star be moved up into MVP status, but the All-Star doesn't move because as a player he hasn't proven himself fully to the Coach. He's a fan favorite...he still has work to do for the Coach.

The remaining 3: My Point-Guards & Shooter: The remaining 3 members of my team can be fillers. They do indeed serve purpose...weekend love, movies, dinner etc. in some far instances, even sex. Sex is usually set for only the all-star & MVP if the MVP is causing problems. Sex goes to the Shooter primarily over the Point-Guards. The remaining 3 don't usually elevate from this level because they're lacking something major-mostly mental/emotional support. They're usually good for just a good time...financially, parties, a hand to hold at the movies, a dinner date that you don't pay for...

My current issue is...after 3 whole years, I might have just come across the courage to release the MVP from his contract. The MVP IS my favorite player. He's usually always held the coach down, and I'm always rooting for him. However, when an MVP realizes that they hold an elevated position over the other players, they get the most time on the court and that they're the highest paid in the league..they get spoiled. They don't carry the same determination and drive that they had when they were playing ball looking and begging to be drafted. They get lazy. Expectant of the free hotel rooms, money & try to pick up as many other women as they can because they KNOW how valuable they are. It all goes to their head & they're too quick to pull out their contract & show the Coach the rider lists with requests and demands but with no current work for show...it's too much talk back.

As the fan favorite, everyone is rooting for the All-Star to be promoted to the MVP position. However, what many don't realize is that he hasn't proven his weight to the Coach. Yes, he comes through in the clutch when the MVP is exhausted and racks up the points I need, however he's not a stable steady worker as the MVP is signed to be. All-Star picks have a tendency to get so cocky since they know that they're fan favorites. They know what to do, and what to say to get their way with the fans and they seem to believe they have the Coach wrapped around their finger the same way they have the fans. The Coach always knows the true motives of a player...

So after I release the MVP, do I just remain MVP-less? Or knowing the intentions of the All-Star are not all true, do I sign a promotion contract or just leave the All-Star playing his current position?

The Turning Point

There's a reason.

There's a reason for it all no matter how lost and confused I am half the days of my life, but there is a reason. For the first time in 23 years, I'm realizing it's okay to not know what that reason is right away because God knows what that reason is. My BFF, Linette has always pointed out my high levels of negativity and for so long I never saw eye-to-eye with what she was saying until now. I have such a loud, new, fresh out look on life because I think I finally realize now that there's a reason.

I may not know the reason right away, but I'm now truly content with knowing that there's a reason altogether.

There's a reason why I was the one who came up with, "The New Jack"; There's a reason why I was the one to come up with "Shoes From Last Night"; There's a reason why The Significant always got caughtcheating; A rason why I was downgraded to the car I now have; A reason why I lost this past job I had; A reason why I've been in Jamaica, the place of my birth for four days for fucking free at that.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, that has happened in my past, negatively matters...

It's all been a set up for some things I couldn't forsee, but always the right thing for me. For example, I've been so miserable of the car downgrade that I endured only 10 days after my birthday, the accident that cause all that drama...no car for two whole months and financial woes I'm still playing catch up on. You couldn't tell me I wasn't being punished. A month after geting this lesser valued car, I lost my job. Howwould I have supported the higher valued car had I been unemployed? Now, not saying that upkeeping this one with no job will be cake, but imagine if I would've got in June, a 2009 car. How would I have paid the lease plus insurance payment? In getting a 1997 car, I only have an insurance payment to deal with, and from my last pay check from my job I've used it to pay my insurance through October. I couldn't see the reason but I see it now.God had a plan for me. i just didn't know about it. So instead, I just was a prick for 2 1/2 months to just get hit with, "duh".

With 'The New Jack', I've always been stressing looking for web help because I've been ready to take things to the next, next level. But maybe, it's just wasn't time yet. It seems that maybe I've just found the help I was looking for because the domain expires in 3 weeks. Just enough time for me to the the grand conversion. There's a reason I wrote this on paper, on a balcony at a 5-star resort...I feel like, it's the turning point. I finally realize that the ability to write is something wat put here, but Him, I didn't buy it somewhere. There's a reason why we moved to New York from Jamaica, my family. There's a reason why I know who I know. And even if I don't get the full reason all the time, does it really truly matter if He knows the reason?

No, it doesnt. I believe in my sould now that it doesn't matter.

Tightrope walkers never look down, for where your head goes, your body goes. They look at where they're trying to get to, for it doesn't matter if you're sure of if you're going to get across but He knows if and how to get you across. So why have I spent so much time focusing on the how, when someone else already knows, "the way" to? I've been so deeply rooted in negativity, since 2007. Another turning point, leaving a total comfort zone & falling straight into the fire pit head first. I've had my ups but I've been forever focused on the downs and it's true, Linette has tried to show me and she's been right....
Linette has always been relaxed in "the way to", never the "how to". I joke on her for what I've always considered to be her lack of reality, bt she consistently relaxes in "the way to". It's never "how are we getting to Manhattan" or "how are we paying for this meal" or "Are we sure we're getting a ride to this location". It's always "Dee, we know the way to Manhattan, so just start looking up train times". I've been doing so much thinking...I really wishI could get it all out.

All I know is...
I'm ready to change. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to love. I'm ready to immerse myself in the good. I'm ready to believe and I'm ready to trust. I might be scared of it, because indeed, trust is the biggest fear of all for me, but I'm ready to try it again. Some times, it may hurt, more than I think I can bare. But truth be told, even when it hurts, would I still be here standing if it wasn't something I could survive? Wouldn't I have crumbled already?

But I am standing...and that's not a dream.
No matter how much it hurts, I'm still standing. Because He is holding me by that tightrope harness.

So if I know that for a fact, then why look down?

Rihanna Update: A-Morir Kerin Rose "Love/Hate Convertible Chain Sunglasses"

I own only ONE pair of Prada glasses...

But, I MUST own these sunglasses by the end of the Summer..this entire outfit makes me disgustingly green with envy. I absolutely adore this woman's style, from head to toe...I really cannot speak badly about her.

This was worn by Rihanna leaving Philippe Chow Restaurant.
These A-Morir Kerin Rose glasses, I WILL own, mark my words. I will not eat for these glasses.

....Sorry if I sound like an evil villan....
{Images: Concrete Loop, A-Morir & Singer22}

600 Deep

It's almost not surprising to me, that my 600th post in The New Jack happened to be about my love for Alexander McQueen. This man's designs never ever fail to satisfy me. I want this Alexander McQueen Pelle Leather Sandal........$1,159.

{Image: Trend Dolls}





























{Image: Rihanna Style}














I can't help but to find it humorous. I'm not even sure how 600 posts happened so quickly. I've put so much of my life out there and going backwards through 600 posts it almost seems like a total blur. Despite that, and despite other opinions, I feel as if I'm aging like fine wine. If you open the beginning back in 2007 and see where I've dragged, fought and crawled to in the year 2009 I've been moving. Maybe not as quickly as other alumni counterparts from our graduation point in 2007, but I'm moving regardless. Now, that I'm truly getting over having Watchmen syndrome, I know that only better things are in store for me.

After all, in most cases if you want something done you have to do it yourself. These 600 posts are something I've done all on my own, and to me that's something worth celebrating.
And one day, these writings will be the reason why I'll be able to buy Alexander McQueen boots on the fly.......

Lady Gaga Update: Beautiful Dirty Rich

New Jack Update: I'm Going to Tanya Harding a Ho

I got into a WILD, and VERY unnecesary car accident a couple nights ago...
The only UPSIDE I'm seeing to this, is the 97% chance that I'm getting a brand new car in 24 hours or less due to the severity of the accident..


















I'm also pleased to say it was NOT my fault, and the person is about to get clapped by me with a suit for reckless endangerment...
I was so mad about the situation he's so LUCKY he wasn't "Tanya Harding"-ed by me...


Golf club + Leg= Revenge...

More after the place of employment..& the car dealership...

New Jack Update: Workers Comp Anyone?

I'm a mess right now...

In more ways than one.....

It all began on Tuesday, where I was involved in an accident at work. I was injured, but in the shock of it all not realizing how severely injured until the pain and dizziness set in...

Over the last three days, everything is happening in the fast lane...and I'm not sure if that's because time is moving so quickly or because I'm so dizzy all the time from the concussion I suffer from. I've been out of work for the last three days and had to return to the ER to be x-rayed for further damage from pain I've been experiencing. I won't be back for at least another day as a result. Damages that I don't even want to detail...

However, all in all I'm very frustrated. Frustrated that I can't quite move around. Frustrated, as I felt that The Significant wasn't being overly compassionate, which I cleared all that information on how I was feeling directly with him. Furthermore frustrated that I had to lock my Twitter account. It's funny to me that people insist that they're above things, and that "this is so immature"-meaning social networking: Facebook, Twitter, Blogging, Myspace, etc. and yet, manage to Twitter stalk you without even having their own Twitter account.

I mean, when you look at it, what does it say about a person that Twitter stalks people, without having a Twitter account? People fail to look into the actions behind what people do and why people do what they do. The person who is always so quick to point a finger and say that "X actions" are immature, also turns out to be the person snooping into all the "X actions". And, it's sad. I was warned SO many times, by so many people even people not remotely friendly or close to me that said "You're getting too close to that one", "That one, please, trash talks you the minute you leave to EVERYONE and then insists that you two are partners/buddies/friends...yeah, good job", but after being burned once (the situation involving my blog being put on blast) I didn't listen. I let time pass, and then somehow genuinely started believe that they wouldn't go out there and put my blog on blast and furthermore, not paint it out as something it's not-a hate book. I blog about my life. Anything that happens, people that are in it, situations I'm in, things that interest me, etc.

Hence the term, "life journalist"?
(I've also seen how much people fail to actually know their constitutional rights as well as new digital millenium copyright acts regarding speech, art and written works for what people are ALLOWED TO DO and cannot be dictated otherwise to do by any other party, regardless of their personal feelings in the matter. As this is the SECOND time I've been direct requested to not write about something, as if they have a say in the matter?)

But when the "boy cries wolf" only so many times and says "I didn't do it, and I wouldn't do it" and then somehow gets proven later to have such a high amount of stealth...it speaks volumes. I don't even know if I should deem such behavior as stealth or good old rotten sneakiness. For there is a wrought difference between the FBI and a weasel.

It just opened up my mind. I truly have been warned a trillion times-of the fakeness, the deceitfulness, the "constant desire to get ahead, they'll friend ANYONE if it means they can USE them to get to the top", the "money grubbing" etc. and here I sit, burned twice.

Nevertheless, I move forward. Physically and mentally in pain, but forward nonetheless. Within the three days, it has been painted out to me across various platforms that it takes you to get physically injured to the point that you depend on assistance to see the colors that one truly bleeds. You see who claims to be your friends, and who responds to you snarkly when you request the help. You see how dismissive or how overly loving someone can be when you need them. You see the true values of company structure and where your health ranks in terms of importance. You see how in depth family is willing to or not willing to come to your aid.

It's enlightening and pathetic simultaneously.

My parents told a story to demonstrate the reasoning why I should just not be angry anymore, for the incessant desire to be a snoop must come at a price.

Apparently, there is a movie, where two best friends are together, both male and one of them buys a lotto ticket. The friends discover that the ticket is the winning ticket! Naturally, to set the plot, before the winning friend can cash his ticket, he dies but hid his ticket before his death. The other companion, not distraught over the death but more focused on how to be sneaky enough to FIND the winning ticket searches endlessly and uses all of his "stealth" to discover...the ticket was buried with his friend. At this point in time, the deceased friend's body is in the stage of decomposal, and regardless, his friend insists with eyes of greed to dig up his body to retrieve the ticket. In such mass horror to see his friend's decomposed state, his facial muscles permanently relax leaving this weasel of a friend with a frightening full face grin that directly resembles near to a decomposed skull itself. The friend cashes his winning ticket, and receives millions upon millions but is forced to wear a mask to hide his permanent horrific disfigurement as the price to pay for seeking out the money of his deceased friend. As his stealth and sneakiness got him millions, he had not one soul to share it with as everyone was disgusted and frightenened by his "new" features and he was forced to be alone with his millions.

Greed always comes at a price.

For just as there is a thin line between love and hate, there is one for stealth and deceit.

Christina Milian Update: The Dream

I'm so very stressed by these images...wow...









































































She left Dre for real, and is with The Dream, Mr. Radio Killa himself...















































Images: Rap-UP

Fear Me Not

I'm so done...
I'm so tired of it....

It truly has come into my knowledge that everyone I know is truly intimidated by me or lives in some secret fear OF me. And it's truly breaking my heart...

Between work, home, play and everything else inbetweeen its true that the vast span of people I interact with are afraid of me. I, of course, don't view myself as a scary person. I'm someone who stand for what they believe in, as per instruction growing up. I'm alert and intelligent, there's no reason to observe and not acknowledge feelings that I might have regarding something and that shouldn't be based upon the likeness of anyone else...

I'm really...hurt. I actually feel myself shutting down, secluding myself pretty much..

It's another reflection of how unfortunately, honesty has gotten me nowhere despite my constant and consistent attempts in continuously doing so.
I'm truly so saddened by it, that I really can't even vent it all out the way I'm trying to...
...That's got to mean that I'm shutting down...

Rihanna Update: Assault Photo

This.....
Truly, truly breaks my heart....I don't think any human deserves this...
And I truly loved them as a couple and always saw them going far together. I did feel like they looked perfect together...

But looking perfect together, doesn't mean being perfect together...

10 of 12

My uncle died the night before..this makes my mother one of 10 children now instead of one of 12..
More after my place of employment...

Jason Mraz Update: SNL

As per Facebook, Jason Mraz is going to be hosting Saturday Night Live on NBC with Steve Martin on 1/31/09.
How amazing is that?

Christina Milian Update: Us Against the World

She's...alive....

Shia LeBeouf Update: Tranformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Does this news that Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen drops on 6/26/09 excite ANYONE but me?
...It must have to...

Katy Perry Update: EMA 2008 Wrap Up

Almost like an MTV Katy Perry "Diary" episode...courtesy of Miss Perry herself...


You think you know, but you have no idear. from Katy Perry on Vimeo.

Lady Gaga Update: WOW, Is that real?

This is Lady Gaga at Z100's Jingle Ball 2008, and all I'm going to do is pull a Perez Hilton and circle the topic of question:
























Yep, that's real....
Hormones....

Kim Kardashian Update: 2009 Calendar

You know you're going to buy this....even in a recession....

Mya Update: Paradise

I had NO idea she was even still alive..
and I NEED to start doing squats..her legs and butt is craaazy..
She definitely was on some "Feed the Children" look when she first arrived on the scene..

Mya hasn't being doing anything called "good" in the U.S. with her music, and with her taking the hint...she's dropping this in Japan...
...Smart...