The In-Crowd vs. Changing Faces

Chrisette Michelle....
This song is so close to everything I've tried to express to my ex: Steven aka Cj.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFS5ToY84_0
Universal has disallowed YouTube to post an embed html code..

I'm very hurt. I'm very disoriented from the week on a whole, and today is ONLY wednesday. I mean, tomorrow I only have community service from 7am-3pm. Due to my disorientation, I'm going to try and pull it together for the sake of an entry, so work with me here.

Here are some Chrisette Michelle lyrics from: Best of Me.

Loved You
Lost You
Though I'd give you all the best of me
We departed
Brokenhearted
I need to be free
What we had was oh so lovely
I'll swallow my pain
It's my time to find the best of me

I've spent the short duration of 21 years alive being disected like an insect. From my mother, to my boyfriends, some friends, the in-crowd that I was never apart of...you name it. I'm never good enough to my mother of the in-crowd and the boyfriends and friends always remind me of what i'm missing or what I could change for them. I'm at a stage of mental exhaustion that I don't think anyone is quite comprehending or maybe I'm not feeling like they are. All I do is eat/sleep and cry. I am unemployed. I have lost many friends due to standing up for myself. I have been cheated on by every single man I have dated, including my current boyfriend. I try and it seems that all I do is fail. I want so much and to achieve so much, and I have nothing to show for all the dreams I have.
I'm not sure where to go. I do feel like I'm at my witts end.

Here are some facebook messages between The Ex-Significant and I recently. I truly cannot defend myself anymore. Not after changing WHO I AM for him as well as others, and STILL not being accepted.

Me: ok so actually you did delete me...i was going to leave a comment on one of your pics and realized that I couldnt, ok so I dont have anything else much to say to you seeing that.....or maybe in truth its you who dont want to have anything to do with me..drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts...

The Ex-Significant
12:58pm October 30th
I'm an emotional wreck right now, so pardon me for saying anything that may offend you or upset you. I deleted you because it hurts to look at you sometimes. It hurts to feel how far we've grown apart and away from each other. It hurts that we've both changed so much that all we can do is bicker about how much we've both changed from what we are used to each other being.I deleted you because I couldn't take looking at photos of you, in scantily clad attire, dancing all up on other guys in some club. While drunk, and looking at your profile, all i could think about was how much it hurt that we wont ever be together again. So with that said, I'll understand if you never want to speak with me again. A lot of people don't want to speak to me again anyway.....

New Jack
2:15pm October 30th
Listen i'm sorry for all thats going on in your life right now i truly am. I just want to remind you that you caused this distance. I'm used to it. For your information, I have a life as well and because you and I dont speak you dont know whats going on in mine. The recent photos of me was of me in Oneonta visiting my friends before I decided I was going to kill myself. I had a great time and I dont care WHAT you think of me. I dont care HOW much of a whore you believe in your head that I am. I told you in Tk's bathroom already, NOTHING i've EVER done to CHANGE for you has EVER EVER EVER MADE YOU SATISFIED OR HAPPY. YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MISERABLE WITH EVERYTHING I DO, EVERY CHOICE I MAKE, NO MATTER HOW I LOOK.I danced WITH IMAN. I HUGGED PEOPLE IN PHOTOS. Naturally though, just because you're like everyone else you look at my pictures and assume I'm a whore. But much to my usual mistake and my improper judgement of character I THOUGHT you were DIFFERENT. Things were totally fine between you and I, you stopped contacting me because you were busy with school. I dont TELL YOU about my life because I know you cant handle it/dont care to know about it. I TRIED to be your friend, and have accepted that you arent the same person and have MOVED ON with that mind frame. I haven't been mean to you, nothing. I CAN DANCE WITH WHOMEVER I PLEASE WHENEVER I PLEASE. IM NOT A CHILD. theres nothing wrong with dancing im not having SEX with anyone besides my boyfriend. And even if i was, thats my DECISION. Ive stopped trying to make you happy SO long ago, especially after I confessed it all to you in Tk's bathroom and all you do is REINFORCE the point. YOU DONT LIKE ME, AS A FRIEND, AS A GIRLFRIEND, AS A HUMAN BEING. COME TO TERMS WITH IT, ADMIT IT IF THATS THE CASE AND TELL ME TO LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IF YOU HATE ME SO GODDAMN MUCH.WE'RE NOT TOGETHER BECAUSE YOU WANTED IT THAT WAY, I MOVED ON BECAUSE YOU FORCED ME TO. You're happy w/ all the bitches you're fucking now, and I'm happy with Matthew. Come to terms that drunk mans words are sober mans thoughts...so maybe you'll get drunk soon and tell me how you REALLY feel about me. I dont sit here and play PRETEND with you, and make you think I'm cool w/ you and then come on some next shit and delete you because why? you have hidden feelings of hurt/hatred towards me BIG SURPRISE STEVEN. Just remember, things were fine and i was COOL with you and accepted that you're not who you were..YOU decided in your drunk state that you're not cool with me..But I guess I know how you feel right?

New Jack
Today at 3:31pm
since it also pains you so much just to look at me, you can again delete my number, i'll delete you from facebook and myspace and aim and you wont have to worry about looking at me EVER again. I also wanted to let you know you're a faggot for not answering your phone yesterday...dont send me facebook messages if you have something to say to me, you know what my phone number is...i hope this move of mine is something you can FINALLY be satisfied with. I wont make the mistake of trying to be nice to you or caring about you again for the rest of my life cause this is the last you'll ever hear from me

For this to CORRECTLY make sense, there is almost 8 years of detailing that would need to be established. I did go about this VERY harshly, I'm not denying that. I just can't handle the stress currently. I can't handle trying so hard to be someone else for someone else and it still not being worth ANYTHING. Which is a huge part of the last 3-4 years of my life. Me discovering who I am, and coming into that as an adult and someone holding tightly to the image of me at 14..16 and still 18 years old. I'm turning 22 in 6 months. I'm a growing person. As I have evolved into what I know and believe is Deidre I AM quite happy and comfortable with who this person is. I have extreme, extreme vision issues and wear glasses that people think I carry as a prop. I've always been the kid doing someone elses homework to fit in. I've always been rejected from the "in-crowd".

Despite my appearance NOW, I've always been the uber geek. I have gazzillions of facebook and myspace messages from men I've gone to school with who have realized: "the geek turned out to be the hottie, goddamn you got fine...". "Yo, I know I used to treat you like shit back in school, cause you know you weren't down back then, but you're so banging and I just want to talk to you if you wouldnt mind getting to know me".

I'm NOT changing who I am. I am essentially the same person, with additions here and minuses there. We all have to grow up. I've been educated. I have more opinions, thoughts, desires. I'm not a child. I know what I like. I know what I dislike. I was never the cool kid, and I'm considered the cool kid now because I started showing off some tits that have been there since 7th grade. I wore a 36C as an 8th grader in junior high. I currently wear a 34DD. So is it safe to say that if they were shown off then, they would've liked me then? What about the people who don't like me NOW because they believe I show off too much? Should I cover up for them? OR SHOULD I DRESS FOR ME LIKE I HAVE BEEN. I'm not going to dress for anyone else but myself. I'm not going to cover up or strip down as per request.

I decided after nearly dying over trying to conform to so many people that I have to be me, and be me all the time...and from that, start my own In-Crowd...

In the line of duty

I must say that I've always tried to reason with people, but FUCK the police. They ALL are assholes, and only act the way they do because we live in a society that holds them in high esteem. They can all go fuck themselves, I have NO respect for any of them and if I could spit in ones face Pumpkin vs. New York style, I totally fucking would.

Let's assess my anger in pieces:

Court Review: On October 1st, 2007 I was arrested with a friend, for a misdemeanor. OUR court date was yesterday, the 29th of October. I arrived before my friend, and handed in my DAT (Desk Appearance Ticket) before her as well. SOMEHOW to the justice system, it was CORRECT that she not only received a lawyer before me, as well as saw the Judge before me but received LESSER CHARGES.
I, the person with absolutely NO record, not even a traffic violation somehow:

• got a lawyer AFTER my friend
• saw the judge AFTER my friend
• got the worse of the 2 lawyers
• was issued one day of community service-November 1st, from 7am-3pm doing sanitation
• one year probation
• Fine: $125
• Mandatory sir charge: $95

The friend, only received: One day community service to be served around November 21st.
So, reviewing that information, am I incorrect to say that our justice system is...fucked up? I explicitly explained to my lawyer that not only am I UNEMPLOYED, I have already been issued a fine of $125 and I'm now being issued a secondary fine of $95. I also tried to comprehend that for the SAME crime, done at the SAME time, at the SAME place, in which both individuals were arrested TOGETHER, received the SAME DAT, for the SAME court date/time/location, somehow, I'm getting very unequal treatment. Are you confused yet?...I most certainly am. I was then instructed to SIGN paperwork that an officer would not let me read before hand. We got into a fight, and I was threatened. I was told I was allowed to appeal within the next 30days, 10 minutes later of thinking about it I told the lawyer and officer I want an appeal NOW. I was denied on their quote is "Your lawyer did the best he could do, theres nothing left to discuss and you're making this a bigger matter than it is. Sign the paperwork if you know what's good for you."
So again, FUCK THE FAGGOT ASS POLICE. Just so no one thinks I'm lashing out unnecessarily.

Friday review: After getting my friend Tk an interview with one of my staffing agencies, in which I "temped" at last week as the receptionist, I was verbally attacked by a white man in Herald Square. I'm not sure if I detailed this scenario via the last entry. Out of ALL the people standing on the corner, talking, exiting the BDFVQNR train station, smoking cigarettes; a white man approached ME and starts screaming at me. Requesting that I, the "black bitch" kindly "shut the fuck up cause no one cares what you have to say". Quite CONFUSED and startled as Tk immediately tries to get me to "hush". I question the "gentleman" as to why he felt the need out of everyone in Herald Square to be at odds with me. He was on his cigarette break, and neither myself of Tk smoke and were "dying" of the secondhand and neither of us SAID anything to him about it. I pointed that mere fact out to him and was responded to with, "So why don't you fucking move then". Because of this my dear, this is New York, worse so Manhattan. The same way he was killing off people with his cigarette and no one can tell him to move, is the same way me standing and talking to a friend I shouldn't be forced to move.

*Sigh*
The conversation continued, with lots of profanity, me being referred to as a cunt, desires and wishes by him that I get fired, me calling him a fucking asshole and him following me back towards my temp job cursing at me the entire way.
I then returned to the office, after my swell 2-hour interview with Weight Watchers to see the Vice President of the agency that I dislike heavily, attempt to cut my check by reducing the actual hours I worked in efforts to express her own dislike for me. After a brief and curt session of me putting the VP in her place, my time sheet was corrected to the 37 that I worked while being treated like poo for the duration of that week. No shock and surprise I haven't been called back for Tuesday through Friday of this week huh?

I'm really and truly tired of living a non-positive life. I attempt very hard to make it positive, and only negative things, people, incidents come my way. I'm starting to feel not destined for greatness as I once believed but more destined for doom....

The New Jack: About

About:

"This here's a classic, just like a pair of Reeboks"-Yung Joc

"..with the spirit of a hustler, and the swagger of a college kid.."- T.I.

Cultural, personal theory-filled, snark, Shakespearean and musical, The New Jack is a compliation blog of all the new happenings in LIFE, art, MUSIC, LOVE, pop-culture, celebrities and most importantly, a real-life twenty-somethingu>, The New Jack, herself.

In October of 2007, The New Jack was founded by author Deidre Henry, graduate of SUNY College at Oneonta. Fresh out of college, fresh into trouble and unemployed, while not having a job, the author created her own. It was while in desperate search for a job within the Record Industry, she discovered how to turn her passion as a songwriter into writing about her own life as well as the masses. "I realized that after thinking I knew everything after college, that absolutely everything was new to me...From Kingston, Jamaica to Brooklyn and to Long Island, no matter what I'm always 'The New Jack' on the block".

Truly coming about in the understanding that, "You can pay for school, but you can't buy class"(Jay-Z), The New Jack is expanding her horizons as well as yours one entry post at a time. So on that note, "Let's get these teen hearts beating; Faster, faster!"(Panic! At the Disco). Shall We?

To get started, pick a label...not Dior..but one of these favorites below:
Fierce
Music
Mr. A-Z (Jason Mraz)
Weezy F Baby (Lil' Wayne)
The New Jack
Shanking
Male Values
Weavalicious
New Jack Diction
Aubrey O'Day
DIY
Kim K (Kim Kardashian)
Rock The Cradle
Bust It Babies (Video Vixens)

Advertising, Media, Press and Support:

For advertising and contact please e-mail: NewJack14@gmail.com

Social Networking:

• The New Jack's Myspace Page:www.myspace.com/jamericanbrookislanite
• The New Jack's Buzznet Page:http://newjack.buzznet.com
• The New Jack's Urban Blogger Page: http://www.theurbanblogger.com/profile/Deidre
• The New Jack's Twitter Page: http://twitter.com/TheNewJack
  

The New Jack is also a writer, contributor and supporter of:
The Big Urban Mixtape

Hoop Dreams?

I am DESPERATELY seeking a talent manager. Maybe, just maybe that's where plans have gone awry all this time I've been attempting to make it. I'm trying to do anything and everything available. I was feeling very down about it, as I have felt while in attendance of college. A huge part of me felt I shouldn't have went in order to pursue my real dreams of making big. Maybe I woulda been La Lohan status already. Hopefully, minus the coke?? I mean....if we gotta get on the cover of every magazine known to the universe that is the EASY way to do it. The only exciting drugs I've done is alcohol, and frequent ganja abuse.

Anywho, needing a little inspiration I was in the Asia Nitollano forum. I'm a HUGE fan of hers, she inspires me as do many people within my age group. I'm trying to keep it registered in my head that at 21, I'm not OLD. Asia decided to NOT join PCD (The Pussycat Dolls) and continue working on her solo career. Diddy scooped her up for the Fall/Winter 2007 Sean Jean juniors collection. In which, sadly I must say, I don't usually support Sean Jean clothing but what Cassie, Lauren London and Asia are wearing in this video:



and in a lot of the photos posted to the forum is NOT bad. Rocawear has picked up Ciara and Chris Brown for their Fall/Winter 2007 campaign...the outfits are EXTREMELY hood rich. I'm not a fan. Ciara is someone else I have a love/hate relationship with. I feel like where Ciara is in life, being only some months older than me is where I should be RIGHT now and I'm not. Do I like her, yes; Do I envy her in a very disgusting manner, yes. Asia I have a LOVE/love relationship with. Kim Kardashian, I also have a LOVE/LOVE relationship with. I'm just confused as to why I'm not amongst these people as I rightfully BELONG to be. I keep getting started, and stopping. I keep getting hyped, and quiting. HOPEFULLY, with all this added prayer, 2 mentors: Nancy and Jeff; Some connections at Oneonta, and what seems like a slowly brewing fan base, I can really, truly do this. I FINALLY told my father that I want a talent manager. The thing I should have told him at 17 years of age, going to Oneonta, August of 2003.

Jeff is going to help me find ACTUAL "real people" work. He is the President of Force1Entertainment; a staffing agency in Manhattan that sets kids up with Entertainment Industry jobs. I got my friend Tk an interview there and the same day, he already has an interview with PBS.
Nancy understands more of the actual dream. She is established within her own career, grown and kindly-fierce. I'm more in -your -face fierce where as she is more seriously grown, much more experience in life do to her age and knows how to play the game fierce. She sees the potential in me and knows what I'm willing to do and how far I can go. I met Nancy at my Flying Television internship this summer. She sees shit very quickly; highly observant. I wrote and STILL write in my blogs, especially the Myspace for MY sanity. So much crap is always going on that I just need someone to tell it all to with initially NO interruptions. THEN I need feedback. That's exactly what my blogs do for me. It's the VIEWS that I get to my blogs that I never understood that Nancy picked up on. Even though there aren't many responses, people are READING them. Therefore, they're marketable so to speak.

There is so much shit I want to do, that I just NEVER knew how to begin. It was pointed out that maybe I should investigate moving to California. Has anyone ever noticed, the residents of NY with talent NEVER get discovered here, but in Cali? Residents of all the other damn states come to New York and get found in 10 minutes. Cassie is a prime example, of extremely lackluster talent and was discovered within ONE year of living in New York. I have been living in New York since I could WALK after moving from Jamaica....discover me PLEASE. Too many things I've tried HAVEN'T worked out, and I know that comes with the territory. I've had a bunch of people line me up and make me clear my schedule for photo shoots and then at the last minute cancel everything. I'm just trying to get shit off the ground. Semi-devise a portfolio that I can SHOW someone as proof: THIS is what I do, you CAN market me, let's go.
Yesterday, I spent a HUGE portion of my day just responding to Craigslist ads.

I'm TRYING...I just hope one of these days....I see something....

• P.S. NEW WEBSITE! I've discovered this site: Thisnext.com. For anyone who has BEEN inside my bedroom they know I am the biggest makeup-hair product/appliance junkie on the planet. Whether it comes from drugstores or Nordstrom I'm going to try it. This site not only allows me to post things I like as recommendations to people, you can view stuff too before you run out and buy it!! I found this site during this past week, and have devised a wish-list. I've done the background info/ reviews on them already so if you want to take a look at the list and try something for yourself here you go! http://www.thisnext.com/by/NewJack14/wishlist/

Read my recommendations for makeup stuff that I know works, and doesn't work...take a look at the wish list and make wishes for yourself! Join www.thisnext.com

Recovery Weekend

Ok, so after a very stressful week that even some parts I couldn't detail, (MJ fight) I did wind up getting upstate to Oneonta. I was able to do some very MUCH needed recovery even though the time FLEW by. This Oneonta trip was in the works for quite sometime now, it was the SCC (Students of Color Coalition) "Freakum Dress" affair. Anyone who doesn't know this damn song from the B-Day album, I'll be sure to find a way to post it.

Anywho..I naturally went out in something fabulously scandalous..because, I'm Deidre. Iman labeled the facebook album: "The Devil in the Blue Dress" which I thought was hilarious and VERY cute!

Everyone, I mean EVERYONE at the party was in the usual "black tiny cocktail dress" and I stood out in this electric blue dress. I really did..which is what I intend to do. I didn't want to wear the typical scarlett red either..cause thats automatically associated with prostitution. Especially, if the dress is particularly SHORT. In which, mine definitely was.


I spent the weekend with NO drama, NO worries, seeing NONE of my enimies that still attend the college. It was just absolutely, positively perfect. I cooked for the "fam" as per usual, because people see me and scream "Jerk chicken!!". Yes guys, cause what I do as a Jamaican is just walk around w/ Jerk seasoning in my pocket..lol, gotta love my "fam". Also, 3 new additions were made to the family as due to the fact that they drove Nikkolai and I: Issac aka Kanye; Ryan and Bear aka Beji's YOUNGER brother.

Bear looks like he's at youngest,30, the boy is 20; Beji is 23. Whoa.


Those are some memories of this weekend....I can't express enough how it was exactly what I needed and how quickly it flew by:



And Saturday night in Oneonta...

high+drunk=

the morning after being high+drunk=

Me being normal:

I've been a smidge busy since my return..I began a temp job: Bond Staffing on Monday, leaving my house at 630 am to get there on time. I obviously haven't been in the swing of work, so I've been naturally exhausted beyond words.

Spoke to MJ in Bryant Park about our breakup/rekindle from 530pm-9pm on Monday.
Work tomorrow.
Permanent job interview possibly Friday at noon...

More details when I'm not SO borderline death from exhaustion..

Cookie Crumbles

-So, why are you with me?
"I don't know"
-do you know how you feel about me?
"I don't know"

This is going to be a broken entry, because, my mind is extremely broken up...
I am extremely broken down...
I'm destroyed....and maybe it was for the better that so nothing else can hurt me...

I'm not sure how I'm writing
I'm not sure how I'm packing
But I was directly told that my boyfriend after 17months doesn't know why he is with me, or how he feels about me...

I don't think there's much left to detail in this entry.....or at least I can't do it now.............

An Expense Report

After a far from fabulous conversation with the significant other last night, I went to sleep and was awoken to the call of creditors beginning around 8:15am like they usually do. It's just that after that particular conversation, I was extremely exhausted and would have loved to sleep until noon when the Tyra show comes on....
Naturally, the plans went awry...

Because of the creditors, I felt I needed to devise the most recent of my woes in an expense report, so that when I explain to people that I have NO money, they can truly get a grasp.

Expenses:

1. Palmer and Palmer fine: $125.00
2. Broken cell phone, replacement due to no insurance: $200.00
3. Court fine: **to be issued**
4. Oneonta alumni visit: beginning at $20.00 and subject to change increasingly
5. Money being held at my house for a drugdealer/friend: $30.00
6. Money owed to SUNY Oneonta for my degree release: $1,678.00
7. Money for J for a clothes hook-up: $45.00 (alloy order)
   
8. LIRR ticket and travel expense to get to court on 10/29: minimum of $36.00 (ticket,metrocard, cab to&from deer park station)
9. Possible LIRR travel to Brooklyn, friday night 10/19 for Oneonta trip: minimum: $14.00
10. Halloween with my friends=cover charges for clubs, especially Webster "Hell": **to be issued**
11. LIRR for Halloween: beginning at $25.00 (subject to SERIOUS increase)
12. Car insurance renewal (expired 10/3 preventing me from getting any Temp work): beginning at: $200.00 (plates, inspection, actual registration with Allstate)
    

These are just the basics that are running around my brain, of course there are things here that are very much more important than others and that can be sacrificed..

Current Reserves:

• Wamu checking acct balance: $1.03
• On hand cash balance: $4.00

In other stunning news, quick updates on the conversation from last night.
It turns out that he has confirmed being shot and fabulously it has nothing to do with: 1. drugs and 2. money; Also, it has been confirmed that there are no illegitimate children lurking around. He has been jailed twice, it has been confirmed, for two issues I wont repeat. This was all confirmed via argumentation around 1-2am. Favorite quotes: "You're making a big deal out of nothing"; "If no longer want to date this hypocrite then that's fine"; "Of course I didn't want to tell you that I've been jailed before"; "This is fucking bullshit".

I have decided that I'm not calling or texting after ...that. I'm going to Oneonta this weekend on the money that is on my dresser that belongs to the drugdealer **$30.00. Then I will have to worry about how to replace the money....
I just want to point out that after being unemployed for too lengthy of a time, everything rises up against you..Things were fairly decent when I was temping for $14/hr on Long Island. The issue is that with no car, you can't get to work; with no work, you dont get paid; with no pay, the expenses deplete your reserves.

Ok!! So far, this is my bright cheery Thursday morning! It's not 10 am yet! Let's get some food-which isn't in this house, and hope that the day only gets BETTER from here!

Hide and Seek

This is gonna be my first entry in this thing...but we'll address that and intros at another time, I have steam to blow off..

I'm a very observant person and I can be very analytical, and as a child I knew very early that I never took a liking to the game "hide n seek" because of my poor hiding skills, and constant losing destroying my small 6yr old confidence. When children take note of things they don't like, it's not always that we grow to like these things as adults. I still do not take a liking to this game and I'm playing it....

Series of questions:

• when did you get shot?
• for what reason were you shot?
• how long were you hospitalized, and where did you get shot?
• have you ever gotten anyone pregnant? if so, was it aborted?
• do you currently have any children?
• are there children that you believe you may not know about?
• have you ever been imprisoned?
• if so, what for and how long?
• are there any other skeletons that you possess that you would like to come forward about?

If you could please ask these questions to your significant other, that would be great. That's if you don't ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS, AS YOU SHOULD IF YOU'RE DATING SOMEONE..
well, mine is hiding the answers to these questions. They're being answered in an extremely fragmented manner in which, I'm not about picking up pieces when I want immediate answers. I'm not sure what to think. I was so unbelievably angry, and so infuriated that, an eerie wave of calm washed over me. That's definitely how you know its really bad.
How does someone, just randomly insert in conversation that they were shot and continue the conversation? How does someone flip on you about getting arrested and then two weeks later confess that they too have been arrested, and to add more than once?

I'm not about hypocrisy. I'm not about running either, because I was never particularly talented in sports. My significant other runs from problems, and from the truth.
He's been shot. Don't ask me where or how, cause I wouldn't be able to tell you.
He's been to jail, I'm not entirely sure what for or for the duration; I know about 2 incidents that were kind of briefed to me and I'm assuming those are what for. Those came up randomly in conversation as well.

It comes down to it with everyone and their mother asking me, "Is it worth it?"...guys, I wish I could answer you, but I'm so exhausted from this relationship,
that I don't have anything much left to say.......