Can I quote something utterly hilarious?
Apparently, I'm not the only blogger going ga-ga over this video. To quote a blog comment, "This isn't a vixen summit, it's a hoe convention". King Magazine has posted to its website a 10 minute clip of the first ever Video Vixen Summit held in where else but whore manufacturer state: Georgia, in August of this year. The video is pretty interesting about what these women have to say. There are definitely a familiar face or 2. Especially, Tae who has starred in Ne-Yo's recent videos.She used to be in the ARMY!! Who knew?!
I provided two separate videos for you guys, they START ALIKE but they both have different footage.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Justice Goes With The Flow
Aries Horoscope: 12/6/2007
It's crucial to be sensitive now, for if you ride roughshod over others, you could stir up turbulent water. But if you slow down and move along at a steady pace while being aware of resistance as it surfaces, you can overcome nearly anything that's in your way. Don't be afraid to step back and reevaluate your plans before forcing your way through an insurmountable obstacle.
Hmmmm well I feel good. Generally, all day yesterday into this morning. Maybe because I'm very aware of what I would like, and I'm pursuing them, but also going with the flow. Something that I'm not very ABOUT. Well, let me rephrase that. I don't go against the grain in a negative fashion, but if I see something seemingly blocking my path I'm very quick to..react to say the least. I've calmed down extensively, and have been going with the flow. VERY hard for someone like myself who is obsessed with CONTROL.
In more hardcore news, Pimp C has died.....
Was it NOT literally 2-3 months ago I was killing "International Players Anthem" and "The Game Belongs To Me" ? I was always a fan of UGK, and while he was imprisoned, I supported Bun B's work in his solo efforts. I cannot believe UGK just dropped this album this year,and the man's birthday was the 29th of this month and he's gone.
R.I.P. Pimp C
In happier news though in contrast to Pimp C's passing, JUSTICE HAS BEEN SERVED AMERICA! This broad: (click on any image to enlarge)
Was ELIMINATED last night on ANTM. It was such a feeling of relief. Now I know a couple posts back, I was screaming at Linette's television for it to be JENAH that got eliminated, but the Heather elimination through me for a loop and I was THOROUGHLY caught off guard.
Bianca was a bitch. No other words about it.
I mean after they took her from this:
to THIS, and shaved off her damn head....I was hoping the Queens attitude would go with it...
Bitch had potential, but way too hood, and way too much of a selfish, sabotaging asshole to EVER be a Covergirl or remotely a model that has to open her mouth for any interview or commercial.
I'm just so happy justice was served....
Also, word in the hood is that Twiggy is leaving after Cycle 9, she's being replaced for Cycle 10. That saddens me, cause I love Twiggy. More ANTM news, gossip and pictures from Top Model Gossip
My predictions is deuces to Jenah who is having a meltdown and the final two should be Chantal or Saleshia like I said from day ONE (until Lisa started to step up a smidge). In which, I LOVE SALESHIA and I really want her to win, but if Chantal wins, I wouldn't be mad I love them both. I'm going with the flow.
Tyra is going with the flow and knew to get that hoodrat Bianca outta there after her terrible Great Wall of China shoot.
Man, things seem so smooth, lets hope they kind of stay that way? If I can just get some pancakes today, my life will be set...
It's crucial to be sensitive now, for if you ride roughshod over others, you could stir up turbulent water. But if you slow down and move along at a steady pace while being aware of resistance as it surfaces, you can overcome nearly anything that's in your way. Don't be afraid to step back and reevaluate your plans before forcing your way through an insurmountable obstacle.
Hmmmm well I feel good. Generally, all day yesterday into this morning. Maybe because I'm very aware of what I would like, and I'm pursuing them, but also going with the flow. Something that I'm not very ABOUT. Well, let me rephrase that. I don't go against the grain in a negative fashion, but if I see something seemingly blocking my path I'm very quick to..react to say the least. I've calmed down extensively, and have been going with the flow. VERY hard for someone like myself who is obsessed with CONTROL.
In more hardcore news, Pimp C has died.....
Was it NOT literally 2-3 months ago I was killing "International Players Anthem" and "The Game Belongs To Me" ? I was always a fan of UGK, and while he was imprisoned, I supported Bun B's work in his solo efforts. I cannot believe UGK just dropped this album this year,and the man's birthday was the 29th of this month and he's gone.
R.I.P. Pimp C
In happier news though in contrast to Pimp C's passing, JUSTICE HAS BEEN SERVED AMERICA! This broad: (click on any image to enlarge)
Was ELIMINATED last night on ANTM. It was such a feeling of relief. Now I know a couple posts back, I was screaming at Linette's television for it to be JENAH that got eliminated, but the Heather elimination through me for a loop and I was THOROUGHLY caught off guard.
Bianca was a bitch. No other words about it.
I mean after they took her from this:
to THIS, and shaved off her damn head....I was hoping the Queens attitude would go with it...
Bitch had potential, but way too hood, and way too much of a selfish, sabotaging asshole to EVER be a Covergirl or remotely a model that has to open her mouth for any interview or commercial.I'm just so happy justice was served....
Also, word in the hood is that Twiggy is leaving after Cycle 9, she's being replaced for Cycle 10. That saddens me, cause I love Twiggy. More ANTM news, gossip and pictures from Top Model Gossip
My predictions is deuces to Jenah who is having a meltdown and the final two should be Chantal or Saleshia like I said from day ONE (until Lisa started to step up a smidge). In which, I LOVE SALESHIA and I really want her to win, but if Chantal wins, I wouldn't be mad I love them both. I'm going with the flow.
Tyra is going with the flow and knew to get that hoodrat Bianca outta there after her terrible Great Wall of China shoot.
Man, things seem so smooth, lets hope they kind of stay that way? If I can just get some pancakes today, my life will be set...
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
FOLLOW YOUR DREAM
Ironically, after just posting "Dancing Alone" I found the magazine I brought home from a doctor's office (with permission). I followed my mom to her heart doctor last week Wednesday I believe and I picked up a magazine with Morgan Freeman on the cover since it was the only magazine WITHOUT telling me about how my arteries are clogging this very second. Flipping nonchalantly through the magazine I came across an article, maybe like a calling to me titled "Follow your dream: Find the perfect job now".
I am posting the link for you guys for this article, please CHANGE YOUR LIFE and if you're doing something you don't care about and want to figure it out maybe this is going to help me and you guys all simulaneously.
It might just help...
Follow Your Dream
I am posting the link for you guys for this article, please CHANGE YOUR LIFE and if you're doing something you don't care about and want to figure it out maybe this is going to help me and you guys all simulaneously.
It might just help...
Follow Your Dream
Dancing Alone
Astro overview 12/5/2007:
Although Mars is swimming backward in watery Cancer through the end of January, his sweetheart Venus steps forward into new territory today as she enters magnetic Scorpio, where she stays until the end of the year. Our senses are tingling for Venus is excited when she receives a jolt from electric Uranus this morning. The Goddess of Love remains in the spotlight when the Moon enters Scorpio at 1:30 pm EST and then aligns with sexy Venus. (Lifescript)
Aries Horoscope: Your emotions burn deeper now with Venus and the Moon in your 8th House of Intimacy, and this makes you a bit uncomfortable. It's not that you are unwilling to express your feelings; it's just that the intensity can overwhelm your agenda and pull you off track. The emotional emphasis is signaling you to slow it all down and to sink deeper into your passions. This isn't necessarily the easiest practice for you, but you gain a lot if you can do it. (Lifescript)
I'm feeling restless. I'm so curious about 2008, I'm really not sure whether to be excited or terrified.
Weirder: my horoscope is SO true. I feel extremely uncomfortable being that I've lost hope for my relationship due to the occurrences of this past weekend. I don't want to put my heart out there anymore. He displayed some effort last night, shocking to me I got a phone call that lasted 3 hours.
Very shocking to me.
Despite the effort, I'm UNCOMFORTABLE, and very reluctant to put my heart out there. I'm not unwilling to express my feelings, because towards the end of the conversation I revealed a few, but I didn't make it intense; it was concise and I didn't delve into an intimate level. It was almost like reciting the news, but with a little more feeling. I don't want to be focused on a relationship where the other person saw it fit to crush all the hopes of the other person. Why get overwhelmed by something that isn't currently showing any promise? If he comes around...he comes around. I mean, there still has been no word on when I'm going to hear from him again and even more important, SEE him again without me ASKING for his presence. I'm definitely waiting to see how long it will be for him to decide to see me without me asking. He has today, Friday, Saturday and Sunday off....we'll see if he makes an appearance at all this week. Cause even though "I ain't too proud to beg", it was revealed in an unsettling way he referred to as "force". That hurt my pride a lot, and when that happens, I shut down. I will not call, text you, make efforts to see you, without it being expressed by the accusing party FIRST that they would like me to do those things. He called, seeing that I didn't call or text him all day and it will remain that way until it is expressed that he would like for me to begin contacting him again.
I'm in shut down mode. In terms of relationships that is.
I'm very lively in every OTHER aspect. I want to get a job. I want to correct my financial issues. I want to put this entire criminal/civil drama TO BED FOR GOOD. I wish I was able to help my parents out. I want Denzel to have a good Christmas, and I want to buy things for him. I want my hair done, so it stops breaking; ditto for my nails. I want a car, being that mine that had no insurance has been insured by someone else and is being KEPT until further notice. It costs MONEY to eat and be healthy. Notice, it costs $1.39 for a snackwrap at Mcdonalds but STARTS at $7.00 for a salad at Cosi. I want to be healthy. I want to get into better shape to further what I think I'm trying to do with my life. I want to open a savings account, and start putting away for the apartment that I'd love to have by 2009. I want to be able to get up and go to Brooklyn and Manhattan and not be digging and crawling for Long Island Rail Road fare.
I want to be back IN control.
So if the significant doesn't want to get it together as much as I would kill for him to...I'll be dancing alone until then.
Although Mars is swimming backward in watery Cancer through the end of January, his sweetheart Venus steps forward into new territory today as she enters magnetic Scorpio, where she stays until the end of the year. Our senses are tingling for Venus is excited when she receives a jolt from electric Uranus this morning. The Goddess of Love remains in the spotlight when the Moon enters Scorpio at 1:30 pm EST and then aligns with sexy Venus. (Lifescript)
Aries Horoscope: Your emotions burn deeper now with Venus and the Moon in your 8th House of Intimacy, and this makes you a bit uncomfortable. It's not that you are unwilling to express your feelings; it's just that the intensity can overwhelm your agenda and pull you off track. The emotional emphasis is signaling you to slow it all down and to sink deeper into your passions. This isn't necessarily the easiest practice for you, but you gain a lot if you can do it. (Lifescript)
I'm feeling restless. I'm so curious about 2008, I'm really not sure whether to be excited or terrified.
Weirder: my horoscope is SO true. I feel extremely uncomfortable being that I've lost hope for my relationship due to the occurrences of this past weekend. I don't want to put my heart out there anymore. He displayed some effort last night, shocking to me I got a phone call that lasted 3 hours.
Very shocking to me.
Despite the effort, I'm UNCOMFORTABLE, and very reluctant to put my heart out there. I'm not unwilling to express my feelings, because towards the end of the conversation I revealed a few, but I didn't make it intense; it was concise and I didn't delve into an intimate level. It was almost like reciting the news, but with a little more feeling. I don't want to be focused on a relationship where the other person saw it fit to crush all the hopes of the other person. Why get overwhelmed by something that isn't currently showing any promise? If he comes around...he comes around. I mean, there still has been no word on when I'm going to hear from him again and even more important, SEE him again without me ASKING for his presence. I'm definitely waiting to see how long it will be for him to decide to see me without me asking. He has today, Friday, Saturday and Sunday off....we'll see if he makes an appearance at all this week. Cause even though "I ain't too proud to beg", it was revealed in an unsettling way he referred to as "force". That hurt my pride a lot, and when that happens, I shut down. I will not call, text you, make efforts to see you, without it being expressed by the accusing party FIRST that they would like me to do those things. He called, seeing that I didn't call or text him all day and it will remain that way until it is expressed that he would like for me to begin contacting him again.
I'm in shut down mode. In terms of relationships that is.
I'm very lively in every OTHER aspect. I want to get a job. I want to correct my financial issues. I want to put this entire criminal/civil drama TO BED FOR GOOD. I wish I was able to help my parents out. I want Denzel to have a good Christmas, and I want to buy things for him. I want my hair done, so it stops breaking; ditto for my nails. I want a car, being that mine that had no insurance has been insured by someone else and is being KEPT until further notice. It costs MONEY to eat and be healthy. Notice, it costs $1.39 for a snackwrap at Mcdonalds but STARTS at $7.00 for a salad at Cosi. I want to be healthy. I want to get into better shape to further what I think I'm trying to do with my life. I want to open a savings account, and start putting away for the apartment that I'd love to have by 2009. I want to be able to get up and go to Brooklyn and Manhattan and not be digging and crawling for Long Island Rail Road fare.
I want to be back IN control.
So if the significant doesn't want to get it together as much as I would kill for him to...I'll be dancing alone until then.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
A New Jack Christmas
Just somethings I will be posting as the cheery month of December goes along of items The New Jack would LOVE for Christmas!
These are all TARTE products..
feel free to purchase for New Jack at: tartecosmetics.com, drugstore.com, sephora.com or ebay.com (for cheaper, I see you black kids)
***MACY'S GIFT CARDS BITCHES!!!
....More on the list as the month progresses...
Fashionista Cupcake Stand
I'm not sure how homosexual anyone is...but, if they are, this is pretty cute and uber gay for the holidays. If you're talented at baking (in which I am NOT) you can make cute holiday cupcakes (that should be mailed to me for suggesting this thing) and display them for your guests at Christmas dinner...its fierce, i wont lie...
Model Instability 2
In dedication to my IDOL, the beautiful, fierce and fabulous, Tyra Banks...clip of her last Vicki walk ever (which broke my heart) in 2005.
Model Instability
I must have the most unstable life known to mankind....
There are no periods of stable happiness where I can be grief-free for a couple months and just LIVE. It's absolutely impossible.
My civil suit is still going. I received notification that if I don't pay the $400 again in 10 days, then I will be receiving a summons to court.
I've been up since 5:20am for no reason at all.
I woke up this morning with a cold.
I spoke to the significant for 3 1/2 hours last night to discover that the significant has no motivation to improve his life. He is very set in belief that he has no potential to do better, be better and that THIS ridiculousness he is referring to as his life is going to just remain his life.
I mean....honestly now....
I won't be surprised if I don't get this call back for the receptionist job at the Volkswagen Dealership
I pulled muscles in my neck and right shoulder carrying items in a laundry bag that weighed as much as my 5'10 younger brother.
My hair, unpermed for 1 year now, is and has been extremely difficult to manage and has been weave-free for approximately 4 months now. The longest time since I've stopped perming my hair that I've gone without it weaved. I am at a stage of BEYOND annoyance and would do anything for someone to just take me to Brooklyn and buy me the hair of my choice so I can go get it weaved and have SOMETHING in my life to not worry about for 2 whole months.
This is what I'm saying I know this thing is referred to as "life" but I mean, Christ the minute things look SEEMINGLY upwards and I can write 3 happy entries, I can easily turn around and write 10 miserable ones. I just want STABLE happiness, and I'm afraid of what '08 holds. I have NO possible ideas on how it would go. Even numbered years usually go quite excellent for me, its the odd that all the drama happened. '07 was such a UNIQUE and intricate combo of nightmare and fabulosity that it truly throws me as to what to expect for '08. Hmmmm maybe when I think about it, '07 had a little more nightmare than I would've liked. Therefore with '08 being an even year, that should be a year of HAPPINESS RIGHT??
Like PERHAPS a REAL job that I can possibly more than "just stomach" but actually be WILLING to get out of bed for?
Or, this whole court drama being put to BED FOREVER finally occur, without me giving the system more than it could possibly ever deserve?
Or maybe '08 will be the year that the significant comes to terms with his LIFE and that he has CHOICES. I've never known a human to be so annoyed at the thought of having a CHOICE, he cannot stand to be the decision maker.
Perhaps my ex Cj will come to terms with life and actually treat me like a human being, and realize that I am a good person and just because I don't conform to his ways like a slave is no reason to treat me the way he does.
Maybe I'll get to be like all the other girls I see, and get to do the simple things like get my hair and nails done when needed, and just be able to have a more than basic upkeep of my appearance cause I'll have money to do so.
Maybe, the job I could get could be so good, that I can start paying off my debt and start saving for my apartment.
Maybe the famous person I'm meant to be, will finally get off the ground....somehow...
For now, my day will consist of cereal, possibly a treadmill, sex with a bottle of cough syrup, attempting to contact designers, job hunting, revising my resume-again, calling the civil suit people and telling them to fuck themselves and maybe, hopefully just a nice conversation or maybe if I'm too lucky a visit from the significant...oh and the Victoria's Secret Fashion show at 10pm on CBS.
I REPEAT, VICTORIA'S SECRET FASHION SHOW TONIGHT BITCHES.
my fucking favorite scene from the Vicki's show EVER, done to "When You Were Young"-The Killers, "Bossy"-Kelis and a Scottish theme. Not ONE thing that went down this runway during this clip was ugly...well, I wanted them all...
Enjoy kids...
There are no periods of stable happiness where I can be grief-free for a couple months and just LIVE. It's absolutely impossible.
My civil suit is still going. I received notification that if I don't pay the $400 again in 10 days, then I will be receiving a summons to court.
I've been up since 5:20am for no reason at all.
I woke up this morning with a cold.
I spoke to the significant for 3 1/2 hours last night to discover that the significant has no motivation to improve his life. He is very set in belief that he has no potential to do better, be better and that THIS ridiculousness he is referring to as his life is going to just remain his life.
I mean....honestly now....
I won't be surprised if I don't get this call back for the receptionist job at the Volkswagen Dealership
I pulled muscles in my neck and right shoulder carrying items in a laundry bag that weighed as much as my 5'10 younger brother.
My hair, unpermed for 1 year now, is and has been extremely difficult to manage and has been weave-free for approximately 4 months now. The longest time since I've stopped perming my hair that I've gone without it weaved. I am at a stage of BEYOND annoyance and would do anything for someone to just take me to Brooklyn and buy me the hair of my choice so I can go get it weaved and have SOMETHING in my life to not worry about for 2 whole months.
This is what I'm saying I know this thing is referred to as "life" but I mean, Christ the minute things look SEEMINGLY upwards and I can write 3 happy entries, I can easily turn around and write 10 miserable ones. I just want STABLE happiness, and I'm afraid of what '08 holds. I have NO possible ideas on how it would go. Even numbered years usually go quite excellent for me, its the odd that all the drama happened. '07 was such a UNIQUE and intricate combo of nightmare and fabulosity that it truly throws me as to what to expect for '08. Hmmmm maybe when I think about it, '07 had a little more nightmare than I would've liked. Therefore with '08 being an even year, that should be a year of HAPPINESS RIGHT??
Like PERHAPS a REAL job that I can possibly more than "just stomach" but actually be WILLING to get out of bed for?
Or, this whole court drama being put to BED FOREVER finally occur, without me giving the system more than it could possibly ever deserve?
Or maybe '08 will be the year that the significant comes to terms with his LIFE and that he has CHOICES. I've never known a human to be so annoyed at the thought of having a CHOICE, he cannot stand to be the decision maker.
Perhaps my ex Cj will come to terms with life and actually treat me like a human being, and realize that I am a good person and just because I don't conform to his ways like a slave is no reason to treat me the way he does.
Maybe I'll get to be like all the other girls I see, and get to do the simple things like get my hair and nails done when needed, and just be able to have a more than basic upkeep of my appearance cause I'll have money to do so.
Maybe, the job I could get could be so good, that I can start paying off my debt and start saving for my apartment.
Maybe the famous person I'm meant to be, will finally get off the ground....somehow...
For now, my day will consist of cereal, possibly a treadmill, sex with a bottle of cough syrup, attempting to contact designers, job hunting, revising my resume-again, calling the civil suit people and telling them to fuck themselves and maybe, hopefully just a nice conversation or maybe if I'm too lucky a visit from the significant...oh and the Victoria's Secret Fashion show at 10pm on CBS.
I REPEAT, VICTORIA'S SECRET FASHION SHOW TONIGHT BITCHES.
my fucking favorite scene from the Vicki's show EVER, done to "When You Were Young"-The Killers, "Bossy"-Kelis and a Scottish theme. Not ONE thing that went down this runway during this clip was ugly...well, I wanted them all...
Enjoy kids...
Monday, December 3, 2007
Body
I do love this Rule video....
in my robotic state, being that the significant and I...just had a....frightening conversation to say the least....how do people feel about Rule currently? Are people still against him? I'm not a Rule groupie, but I definitely do NOT support 50 Cent. I was team Ye when those albums dropped. 50 Cent knows how to make MONEY so therefore I cannot hate, but music is something that..well....no comment.
....team Ye all the way....but do people still hate Rule?
A little taste of heartbreak2
Okay....
so my significant other and I are on non-speaking terms until further notice.
I think I can finally give a decent replay of what happened...my head is still spinning from it, so this is going to be a very broken up story, my apologies in advance...
Saturday night, on a double date, the other couple accompanying us were having a fight and the significant and I were completely fine, sitting in his car watching them fight outside in the cold. I said to him that I don't want us to wind up at the stage that they are at right now. Forwarding the conversation down the line I mentioned him spending the night with me. He said no, in a harsh manner following up with the fact that he spent Friday night with me. Jokingly, I replied to him saying "Wow ok, so you spent Friday night with me, you can't spend Saturday night with me too?" and his immediate response was, "So what, I live here now?". I was completely taken aback by the harshness of his responses not understanding WHY he felt this way. It came out later on that I "force" him to spend time with me. Hurt and shocked, I left his parked car and the couple who just reconciled and went back into my house without everyone.
I called the significant on Sunday morning to attempt to explain to him how taken aback, hurt and offended I was that he felt forced to be around me as opposed to WANTING to be around me. My quiet, sad approach to explain was returned by incessant screaming, yelling and accusation that my feelings are without merit. He flipped for instance the fact that he did something offensive into "Your feelings are hurt, what else is new". "You're always offended by something that I do Dee, oh my God..." The conversation ended by me crying and absolutely nothing being solved. He had a ball game that evening at 6. When I arrived and sat directly next to him. He never greeted me or acknowledged my presence ONCE. After his game when driving me and Denzel home, he made talk all throughout the car ride about the game. Not noting my silence and still yet to apologize or anything of that nature. Upon my exit, I was quite formal telling him thank you for the ride and simply left the car. Shocked and confused he said to me "Daaaammn, Dee thanks for saying goodbye to me" implying that he didn't receive his usual "goodbye" which would have consisted of hugs and several kisses. I curtly replied "I did say goodbye to you, I said 'thanks' ". I turned and went into my house, and he thought it was proper to express himself by leaving tire marks in front of my house as he sped off.
The significant did not attempt to contact me at any point there after. After thought and discussion with one of my exes I did the following this morning:
I sent a text message stating, "I dont know what you're feeling or when you were planning to apologize but I think it would be wise to take space after how I was treated yesterday". I received an immediate response of "Even if I did apologize you would still be upset about what happened yesterday".
Me: No..it would've shown you understood how HURT I was by everything and you pretended as if I wasn't there and my feelings didn't matter, I'm tired of always having to come to you. So since it wasn't in your heart to apologize about the phone conversation nor acknowledge me at the game, I'm going to keep away from you until you find it to do right by me".
Despite my initial stance against calling, I called once and of course received the voicemail and quickly stated that indeed I will be staying away from him and this is the LAST phone call he will receive from me until he sees it fit to do right and call me to apologize or discuss the matter. If he chooses not to call me back ever again, being that I will not call back until I receive a call then good luck with everything in your life.
As I explained to my ex last night, I truly don't feel anything right now. Something in the back of my head is telling me to lay down and cry, but I don't move. Something live in me reminds me that my throat hurts and I should go downstairs and get medicine, but I don't move. I stare blankly into space and move as instructed by my parents as if I were a zombie. I've eaten mechanically like a robot, not tasting anything but doing the motions: putting food into my mouth, chew, swallow, repeat. I cleared leaves outside in too thin of a jacket and something said to me "YOU ARE COLD", but I moved so robotic, raking, and bagging the leaves.
I feel numb.
I feel dead inside.
Robot moves anyone?
so my significant other and I are on non-speaking terms until further notice.
I think I can finally give a decent replay of what happened...my head is still spinning from it, so this is going to be a very broken up story, my apologies in advance...
Saturday night, on a double date, the other couple accompanying us were having a fight and the significant and I were completely fine, sitting in his car watching them fight outside in the cold. I said to him that I don't want us to wind up at the stage that they are at right now. Forwarding the conversation down the line I mentioned him spending the night with me. He said no, in a harsh manner following up with the fact that he spent Friday night with me. Jokingly, I replied to him saying "Wow ok, so you spent Friday night with me, you can't spend Saturday night with me too?" and his immediate response was, "So what, I live here now?". I was completely taken aback by the harshness of his responses not understanding WHY he felt this way. It came out later on that I "force" him to spend time with me. Hurt and shocked, I left his parked car and the couple who just reconciled and went back into my house without everyone.
I called the significant on Sunday morning to attempt to explain to him how taken aback, hurt and offended I was that he felt forced to be around me as opposed to WANTING to be around me. My quiet, sad approach to explain was returned by incessant screaming, yelling and accusation that my feelings are without merit. He flipped for instance the fact that he did something offensive into "Your feelings are hurt, what else is new". "You're always offended by something that I do Dee, oh my God..." The conversation ended by me crying and absolutely nothing being solved. He had a ball game that evening at 6. When I arrived and sat directly next to him. He never greeted me or acknowledged my presence ONCE. After his game when driving me and Denzel home, he made talk all throughout the car ride about the game. Not noting my silence and still yet to apologize or anything of that nature. Upon my exit, I was quite formal telling him thank you for the ride and simply left the car. Shocked and confused he said to me "Daaaammn, Dee thanks for saying goodbye to me" implying that he didn't receive his usual "goodbye" which would have consisted of hugs and several kisses. I curtly replied "I did say goodbye to you, I said 'thanks' ". I turned and went into my house, and he thought it was proper to express himself by leaving tire marks in front of my house as he sped off.
The significant did not attempt to contact me at any point there after. After thought and discussion with one of my exes I did the following this morning:
I sent a text message stating, "I dont know what you're feeling or when you were planning to apologize but I think it would be wise to take space after how I was treated yesterday". I received an immediate response of "Even if I did apologize you would still be upset about what happened yesterday".
Me: No..it would've shown you understood how HURT I was by everything and you pretended as if I wasn't there and my feelings didn't matter, I'm tired of always having to come to you. So since it wasn't in your heart to apologize about the phone conversation nor acknowledge me at the game, I'm going to keep away from you until you find it to do right by me".
Despite my initial stance against calling, I called once and of course received the voicemail and quickly stated that indeed I will be staying away from him and this is the LAST phone call he will receive from me until he sees it fit to do right and call me to apologize or discuss the matter. If he chooses not to call me back ever again, being that I will not call back until I receive a call then good luck with everything in your life.
As I explained to my ex last night, I truly don't feel anything right now. Something in the back of my head is telling me to lay down and cry, but I don't move. Something live in me reminds me that my throat hurts and I should go downstairs and get medicine, but I don't move. I stare blankly into space and move as instructed by my parents as if I were a zombie. I've eaten mechanically like a robot, not tasting anything but doing the motions: putting food into my mouth, chew, swallow, repeat. I cleared leaves outside in too thin of a jacket and something said to me "YOU ARE COLD", but I moved so robotic, raking, and bagging the leaves.
I feel numb.
I feel dead inside.
Robot moves anyone?
Sunday, December 2, 2007
A little taste of heartbreak
I've been distant this weekend.
In my mind.
In my blog.
In my life.
I'm experiencing a feeling of numbness.
It was inadvertently explained that to a POINT, my significant feels slightly forced to be around me. I want to detail further, but my mind is a complete blank being that he doesn't understand how one would take offense to those feelings.
I'm blank and distant.
Season finale of my baby, Kim. Keeping up with the Kardashians airs tonight at 10:30 on E!. The season finale has to deal with yet ANOTHER scandal of sex photos of Kim and her sister Kourtney together...hmmmm.....
In my mind.
In my blog.
In my life.
I'm experiencing a feeling of numbness.
It was inadvertently explained that to a POINT, my significant feels slightly forced to be around me. I want to detail further, but my mind is a complete blank being that he doesn't understand how one would take offense to those feelings.
I'm blank and distant.
Season finale of my baby, Kim. Keeping up with the Kardashians airs tonight at 10:30 on E!. The season finale has to deal with yet ANOTHER scandal of sex photos of Kim and her sister Kourtney together...hmmmm.....
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