A Part Of Your World.

I think I've finally had the epiphany I've been searching for..
For years almost...

And I'm going to try and make this make as much sense as humanly possible...
Everyone has their own world.
Their own private place between mind and earth that constitutes as their own world. Nothing can interfere with it, and based on our distinct personalities nothing can deviate us from this "world" we create for ourselves once its established. We can enter it, at will, with or without prompt.
And I'm starting to feel that in a small part, people lose part of their mentally stability when they lose a sense of their world.

For example, you always hear stories about women who have been divorced who half of them say, after their husbands left them..they just weren't able to go on. To me, this is because when you love someone, you incorporate them as part of your world. Sometimes, we love people so much that they become your whole world and when things unfortunately in some cases fall apart, there it all goes..your world, has now collapsed. You've 100% lost all sense of YOURSELF. The unique, dynamic individual that is yourself, and what you like, your hobbies, your talents, etc.
Marriage has caused one of the parties to conform FULLY to the others world, and that's not a healthy marriage. Marriage is two whole individuals that come together to further bring out the good in one another, not the horrible misconception that one party is incomplete and needs the OTHER person in order to be whole. God has already made each and every last one of us, whole.

Then, there's a healthy world. A world composed of your own hobbies, desires, talents. These things are simply, your own. Not one human on this earth can take it away from you. Christina Aguilera has always described her "world" as singing..whenever her father would beat her or her mother, she would retreat to her room and sing and it transports her mind to another place. This talent, is part of her world..the only way to remove this is if someone were to hold her down and remove her vocal cords.

What I am realizing, after many a tear shed, is that my mental instability is caused by an absence of a world. I'm actually a very talented artist, and whenever I had a moment's worth of free time on my hands, I would have a pencil in hand. My focus in high school was art. My mother has pictures that I've drawn since age 3, and kept them because she saw something in them that might suggest the talent. I started song writing at age 12. If I wasn't drawing, I was song writing. In the midst of my last relationship, my last job, my arrest..I think over the last 4 years, I've lost sense of my world. I think I've been so consumed in one person as well as several negative events that I've truly lost sense of my world.

I drew for the first time in years...last week.

I can't tell the last time I've written a song. You know what else dawned on me? I like to cook...a lot. I hate being commanded to do it, but me..at my own will, I have a blast cooking. I can't hula hoop. I want to be able to hula hoop as well as any 7 year old girl. When's the last time I've rode a bike? Or sat on a swing? Dancing is something else I've always been really good at, since childhood..why aren't I in a dance school? I want to take pole dancing lessons more than anything..and I want to get super excellent at it. I used to enjoy working out, and did Taebo twice a day..now, I loathe the idea. For a long time, I only listened to neo-soul and alternative rock..only. I can't remember the last time I listened to either. Drawing soothes me, it keeps my mind off of emotional eating and thinking about things outside of my control..which also is the same effect when I'm cooking. I love Japanese. Everything about the culture and the language. And I love writing in this blog.

My whole world now, is worry. I stay home, inside my own head, and cry endlessly. Panic over all the things I can and cannot control. The only thing I've been consistent with in the last 3 years, has been this very blog.
I've been a part of everyone's world except my own.
This idea that to fix all my own problems, get past my own things, to get someone like me, all these things in order to adapt I had to become part of your world.


And I've been doing this unconsciously for years...
So I've spent so much time conforming to what is going on situation wise as well as to who I was dating that I've lost 308% of who I am..what I like...what I want.

So that's just it..when I'm alone, no one or nothing to conform to..no stereotypes, or ideals to live up to or fulfill there's nothing.
I'm empty.
I let everything drain out over the years.
And there's nothing left...just traces of things that used to exist that consisted of the definition of me.
So I now see where the true problem lies......

I have to build my own world, my own sanctuary that consists solely of me. I have to rebuild upon what I've lost, and add onto what exists so that a world in full is established.
So no matter who may come or go in my life, or what situation befall me..I will always be a part of my own world.

Impact of Having a Good Self-Image by Joyce Meyer

This is getting my mind back slowly to where it should be...
Praise the Lord..

808

My anger levels are becoming unstable again.
I'm getting upset, but more importantly reacting loudly again to things I disagree with in the form of lashing out against people I love.

I'm quick to say, "why don't you love me, when I make me so damn easy to love"{-Beyonce} however, when you're the most opinionated person on planet Earth..yeah, you're not so easy to love anymore.

I'm in a hard position.

The All-Star has the newest presence in my life, and hasn't seen all aspects of me, nor I've seen all aspects of him. Things that are knowledgeable to others, my best friend we'll say, aren't knowledgeable to him as yet.
I feel like I'm taking a step backwards, as opposed to the forward motion I always want to take with him because I love him more than anything. The things I used to fight with her about, regularly at one point in time...my opinionated nature, my high levels of sensitivity, inability to move quickly forward from a disagreement..I'm now going through the wringer with him about.

Don't get me wrong, we've been beyond blissful, and it sometimes makes me wonder if I'm finally experiencing a love so wonderful because I've been hurt so much in the past..however, when we DO disagree, though seldom, it's huge. And, it happens to be everything that I've ever argued with my best friend about regarding my personality.
Though I've gotten substantially better, and people openly admitted they were tiring of me "going boom, like an 808"{-Blaque} I have hope. As saddened as I am in this moment that him and I aren't speaking..I know that its only 1 day. This isn't the end of us in the least.

Though I argued once upon a time with my best friend about all these subject matters, her and I have the strongest bond that two best friends can have. She knows me inside & out, backwards and forwards. Any reaction, statement, almost anything that comes out of me she KNOWS where it stems from or why it could've been phrased in a particular manner. She knows more than half the things that will come out of my mouth before I even say them, especially in the midst of a disagreement. The fact that her and I, our past disagreements..and some of them, earth-shattering, has gotten us to the point that absolutely nothing can break us gives me the biggest blinding light of hope for him and I.

For if they both only knew, how exactly alike they are..
To him, these are new arguments, to me..these are past memories I'd rather not rehash.

But the same indestructible bond she and I have, him and I will have...with time of course.
And it'll help if I can keep my explosions under a bit better degree of control..

Fear of Success

I'm spending a little time researching the "Fear of Success". So far it doesn't have a "phobia" title, such as "claustrophobia" or "arachnophobia" but it's actually very, very real. It's stems in part from a fear of the future, what one may lose by progressing forward in life and issues with self-forgiveness where the person reminds themselves of their failures constantly.

"The fear of success is a very unique issue that arises when you are genuinely creating change and moving forward in your life," says Ti Caine, a hypnotherapist and life coach..

To create and sustain success it is essential to find and release your fears of success. The more you leave the task undone, the more your fears will control you. "it's the monster in the closet," says Caine. "And it gets bigger."

Fears of success tend to cluster around several issues. One of the core fears that arise from change is that success will lead to loneliness. Women especially fear success because they are afraid that being powerful enough to create the life they want will render them unlovable. Sometimes people fear success will mean being attacked by enemies, or besieged by others wanting money or other things from them.

Many women fear success at losing weight because becoming more attractive to others could jeopardize the love and the life they have or create situations they do not know how to handle.

Some fears of success are easy to release because they will probably never happen, such as fears of losing it all and becoming a bag lady. But some are real. When you change, the relationships around you will be forced to change. Some friends will always cheer you on. But others are steeped in jealousy and will denigrate you for moving forward.

But in everything I'm reading, there's a lot about self-sabotage and then the cycle of anger with yourself for that sabotage.

There are three essential parts to self-forgiveness. We must:

1. acknowledge the commission of an objective wrong and accept responsibility for that wrong,
2. experience feelings of guilt and regret, and finally
3. overcome these feelings (i.e., self-forgiveness), and, in doing so, experience a motivational change away from self-punishment toward self-acceptance.

I'm realizing that I don't get to step 3...
And because of that "I'm trying to do better, but only do good enough"-Drake

Hi Ho, Hi Ho

off to work I didn't go.

Yeah....

So just like my last entry regarding the Discipline Principle, I'm realizing how severely I lack it. I have a completion issue. I truly do and what many people don't realize is that there's a strength in looking inside yourself and admitted that something is incorrect. The follow up to that though must be to correct it.

So, like I was saying I most definitely have a completion issue. What I think is the shocking and worst part of it is, is that I fear being successful as badly as I may want to be. I think I'm afraid of having everything I've ever dreamed of...and losing it all. By never completing anything I've been passionate about it has no chance of growing into some asset that can be taken from me. I mean, I'm half living with the man of my dreams and sometimes I ponder a breakup because I'm petrified to lose him the deeper our love gets.
I've sabotaged job interviews for myself. I've stopped all efforts behind www.shoesfromlastnight.com & http://dulcedecocoa.bigcartel.com. Two amazing ideas that could've (& maybe still could be) been highly profitable and I froze them. Yes, in part due to work and time restraints, but you'd think such an amazing idea I would jump at the chance to keep pressing forward with them.

Like...I don't know what my problem is..
Well, I mean I know what the fuck my problem is but you get the drift..

How did I even come to be this way? I'm stressed out by my lack OF success, so why am I doing things to keep myself paralyzed from gaining success? Is it a form of an OCD disorder? Is it something that I personally can fix or do I need assistance of some sort..
I'm very curious as to how I've become this way, but despite my curiosity, I don't really have time to dig as to why I may only have time to figure out the escape route.
So to sum it up: I'm unemployed, real estate license-less, gained a little more weight and haven't done my physical 7-day detox kit- all the above planned last week.

I need to regroup and actually get to life work, and finish the job....

The Discipline Principle

Ok, in this all around detox I've been doing: mentally, physically and spiritually I'm going to start to ease my way into the physical portion. Talking to the All-Star and my friend Tristan, it's become more than apparent that I lack discipline. Like, severely lack discipline. So, what happens is that I cannot stay with a structure or be consistent about anything because I refuse to be disciplined about anything.
But I'm presenting myself with the ultimatum of "go hard, or stay fat".

Which is in part an explanation as I loathe authority and hierarchy structures. I've done not too well in strict corporate structures we'll say, especially if you read this blog during early 2009, that's evident.

I had a really good conversation with the All-Star in the car with him on his way to work, where we discussed our similarities but he vividly pointed out that there is a severe overuse of the term "can't" in my vocabulary. I was explaining to him that I've always been that superstar academic student where there's theory on what people can and can't do based on statistics and probabilities. It's interesting that he was always the exact opposite, and he's done everything in his life going completely against probability and theory so therefore in his mind there is truly nothing he cannot conquer. He feels this way especially if he watches someone do it a matter of one time. Me personally analyzing him, this comes from in part that he's been trained in martial arts since being a kid...I always wind up with a man that's some form of athlete and athletes practically have "discipline" as their middle names. Maybe it's my turn to do the same.

I used to do Tae-Bo twice a day in high school and early college...

I mean, men and women alike were obsessed with my body and that's when my body looked more like this:

My measurements at that time were about 38-26-40...
Between my hypothyroidism, lots of McDonalds and enough alcohol to satisfy all of Ireland my measurements now are exactly: 38.5-33-43

So I think most of us can do the math and say the majority of the weight gained has been in my waistline. Not cool....7 whole inches.
I'm a little bit anxious and nervous about this physical portion. I think I'm used to mental strife and pain, but physical pain is something I usually never have to endure..I have approximately 9 days before I begin making a successful real estate career for myself. June 1st will be my start date. Today, May 22nd, I'm going to begin a 7-day detox kit from GNC while cleaning up my bedroom with Tristan.
You can't get anything done in clutter....
So let's start by removing the clutter surrounding me and inside me at the same time.
2 birds, 1 detox.

A Spoonful of Honey

I was told by a friend of mine, Tristan, that

"You can get more with a spoonful of honey, than you will with a spoonful of vinegar"

. That quote has always stuck with me. I may not practice it, but since I heard it from him a whole 3 months ago, it's stuck with me.

I got into an altercation with the All-Star on the account of my overuse of vinegar. It's something he cautions me about, and has mentioned that I've used vinegar towards him and poured them over open wounds, if you will. I love him more than anything, I would never intentionally do anything to even remotely make him sneeze if I knew that were uncomfortable for him, let alone purposely hurt his feelings.

I've been spoken to...well too many a time by multiple people about my "vinegar" use. I really try to convey a point and in my mind, the thought isn't being absorbed by that person so I have a horrible tendency to hurt them in efforts to get my thought to sink in. I called Tristan because hey, he's the person I heard the quote from in the first place and he put a lot of things in perspective for me.
I really need to slow down and process EXACTLY what I'm trying to say. I've been doing an excellent job as of late specifically, and I'm proud of myself..however, what I need to work on now is that when I'm speaking even MORE so to people that I love i.e.: my best friend Linette, All-Star, etc. I'm not in combat.

They love me, and I love them.

Even if I feel that they aren't understanding my point, and though I do get frustrated RATHER quickly with repeating myself I have to slow down and think of an alternative way to phrase what I'm trying to say to them. If I can practice that more and more with the people I love, it'll make it easier for me to handle those who are strangers.....especially, those who will be my future co-workers.

The All-Star repeatedly said to me last night, "I'll do anything, I'll give you anything because it's you..it's not what you ask me for, it's how you ask me for it"
You'd think I'd have this concept of how to say something "not so nice" down from a long time ago.
I mean, Mary Poppins only raised us all on "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.."

How to Walk in Faith-MLK

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."

- Martin Luther King Jr.

Hypothyroidism: The Basics

"The thyroid is a small butterfly shaped organ and is one of the main glands involved in the endocrine system. It is found in the front of the neck and is responsible for a variety of vital body functions. It produces hormones that regulate and affect just about every function in the body and is most crucial for body metabolism. The thyroid converts the food we eat into energy. Thyroid hormones impact body weight, energy levels, muscle strength, skin condition ,heart rate, menstrual cycles, cholesterol levels, memory, emotions, mood and much more. When the thyroid doesn't produce enough of these crucial hormones, then hypothyroidism occurs and results in a variety of psychological and physiological symptoms.

The most common symptoms of hypothyroidism include fatigue, which is unbearable and no amount of sleep can eliminate it, depression and weight gain, however, some of the other most common symptoms that occur include: anxiety, constipation, forgetfulness/short-term memory loss, irritability, and myalgias or arthralgias, but other frequent symptoms may include listlessness, intolerance to cold, heart palpitations, cold hands and feet, accentuation of allergies, menstrual irregularities, vascular headaches, premature gray hair, slow pulse and reflexes, flaky dry rough skin, puffiness of face and eyes, unsuccessful dieting, coarse lifeless hair that falls out easily, nervousness, premenstrual syndrome, loss of sexual desire, high cholesterol, muscle and joint pain, and weakness."

I can tell anyone outright exactly which of these I suffer from:
Severe irritability
Loss of sexual desire
Fatigue times 1 million
Face puffiness
Hair loss
Ice cold hands & feet/ Constant intolerance to cold
severe anxiety
uncontrollable appetite
forgetfulness and
depression/horrible mood swings

I've been doing a lot of prayer as I learn more and more about my thyroid condition. I hope to as I learn, further educate those very close to me so that they too can understand what I feel physically and mentally due to hypothyroidism. I used to get very, very angry because I don't feel in control of what I feel. I realized that the majority of the time when I would experience symptoms of depression and horrible mood swings, there was NOTHING actually wrong to spark the feelings. The fact that I couldn't control the feelings used to make me feel helpless and SUPER angry...but now, with education and faith in Jesus, I may not be able to control it..but He can. This has been effective in reducing my stress and anger levels significantly and I feel so much better.

Physically and mentally, it's a working progress...but all that really matters, is that it's working...

Un-thinkable

I'm in love.

No questions asked, I'm in love.

And the difference here is that, this time around...it's realistic.

He's in love with me too.

The same exact feelings of an honest love...so honest, that sometimes it scares me.
And sometimes, it scares him too.


Something so real and raw, that I truly cannot put it on paper, or on a computer screen...the only two people who can see it is him and I.
And when I'm with him, the world shuts down.

It's something pure...and beautiful..that there's no need for words a lot of the time.

It's in the eyes.
It's in his kisses to my forehead.
It's in the silence.
It's in the noise of our conversation.
It's in hand holds, lip-locks, pushes and hugs.

It's in the air of lost words I'm trying to grab at to explain to you the beauty of what I feel for him and what he feels for me.
But that's just it, it's lost words. There are no words for what we have. I just wish everyone could see it and at the same time, I'm glad that no one can...because it's just ours.

It belongs to him. It belongs to me and with no outside interference, it's sacred.
"And if you ask me..I'm ready"

Eyes of the Beholder

This baby is only 6 months old. She wears the tiniest glasses ever and came in to my current place of employment a week ago.

My eye doctor was explaining to me that she doesn't swat the glasses off of her face because at 6 months, she can tell the difference in clarity of what she's seeing with and without the glasses.

To many people, 24 years old is really young..and I personally have always had a thing about age where I feel like 24 is actually quite old. I feel as if there's a list of things I should've already done, accomplished, planned for, conquered by this age and it bothers me when I look at it all and see that I haven't. My mind is always ticking, however, being 24 for only 4 weeks now it seemed as if the minute April 14th hit the adult thoughts just started to kick into an extreme overdrive. I really, really want my own apartment again. I really want steady, mass amounts of money so that I can be just beyond comfortable sustaining myself in my OWN of everything and still be able to save money for a rainy day.
Being as my last day at my retail job is...tomorrow, and I wont be having such a guaranteed money flow I'm analyzing the frivolous things I spend money on. I never thought I'd catch myself saying this but as much as I LOVE my friends, alcohol is not a necessity. It's a leisure..and if you have good money to support such a luxury then by all means, drink till you're under the table. I'm not financially stable enough to support such a luxury and I shouldn't be going out partying as if I do. I could be using that money to pay my phone bill, or my debt to my college or just put it down for a rainy day. Even furthermore, not that I should be drinking anyway, I have a thyroid disorder. I'm trying to get my physical self together in terms of dealing with it while I'm young because though this is apart of my life, for the rest of my life I don't want when I'm older its debilitating. Once we're older, we cannot go back and fix that damage.

I'm realizing that my views on everything are steadily changing....more and more, each day...
If I'm grateful to the Lord for my body, for life, then why am I destroying it? Why am I spending money I don't have in order TO destroy it? These are some of the thoughts that are starting to roll in constant circulation in my mind these days. I haven't had a car in approximately 6 months and it's been far from easy living on Long Island with no car. I should be investing my energy into that. I don't have an established career. I'm ashamed of that fact. I need to be living in my own place again so my parents can actually have, theirs. As I'm redirecting my views, I'm redirecting my focus.

But vision is all solely based on the eye of the beholder.