The New Jack

Thursday, March 31, 2011

All of the Lights

I have a lake I sit at, in the town of Babylon. Its actually located at Babylon's Long Island Railroad stop. The entire span of the lake is covered in lights. Its quite the view all the time, even when the lights are not activated during the daytime.

Surrounding the lake are enormous, rich houses and of course more ducks than anyone can imagine. I come here all the time. I mean, all the time. Its the one place I feel as if I can actually figure things out.
I'm wondering about the light within myself.

As I've been reading "10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives", and acknowledging that the source of my feelings is lack of dreams and low self-esteem. I'm starting to analyze everything and truly wonder if its not that I don't have dreams, but if the dreams I possess are actually not achievable. From the roadblocks that I constantly experience in relationships, when the dream is to settle down already to the e-boutique I started nearly two years ago and has slightly picked up but I'm not sure what it can actually become. Do I want it to become a full scale boutique where I have inventory and the whole nine yards? Where in the hell would I get the money to finance such a thing. Its not that I don't have the dreams its just I see no way of them coming to pass so I start to see them as pointless even though I still want them. I want to move out to Nassau county so badly, get a small condo and start paying it off to own it.

I don't even have a job. I don't even have a car.

I want to learn about wines, and have my own cellar of exotic types. I want to learn this year how to become a good cook and practice making great dinners for company I wish to entertain or a man that might come into my life as a significant other. I don't have my own kitchen or space to operate as such. Let alone the funds to be spending on a list of ingredients to "try" something out, my current life due to unemployment is the definition of frugal. So, I make what "works" and never try to make anything different. Wondering so much about all these things and looking at the light of the lake, it makes me ask when is my own inner light going to shine?

Do I have to reevaluate the dreams and change them so that I can actually achieve something and build up my feelings about my worth in this world? Or do I continue with the ones I have and pray that the light that represents them now that is dim will soon brighten with persistence?
I don't know what all of the lights are, where they are, if I possess too many lights that I haven't turned on or if its that I have none at all.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I'm a Commitment Phobe

I'm currently reading this.

It was an impulse purchase. I'm never in Barnes & Noble. Never.

My father incessantly push that I go there to find a book to read on Social Media Marketing, for an interview I had upcoming and before I could even head over to the never exciting marketing section, I found "self-help".

The thing that I'm constantly in search of.

"Self-Help".

The point of self-help, I'm realizing, foolishly enough to even repeat out loud is to help oneself.
The thing I never seem to do.

I don't help myself, but seek out endlessly ways to find help.
The book, ironically enough that I planned to browse through and return immediately for my $13.99 plus New York State sales tax, is actually forcing me to take a hard, hard look at things I've negatively created in myself. The fact that the only person I can actually get to help myself is me, and that I've turned to a list of negative alternatives including relationships to fix what only I can fix. I never really thought I had low self-esteem, until reading so much and seeing myself mirrored in the pages. I don't think, now I know I have low self-esteem. No one is going to be able to fix that but me, no amount of friendships or relationships and praise from men is going to alter that.

I have a disgusting view of commitment. I don't commit to anything that involves me-my growth, well-being ("can usually wait till I get insurance, or..."), things I enjoy etc. My only view of commitment are those involving dating and marriage and loyalty. I display none of this loyalty and commitment to myself. From the basics of my hair falling out and a near retinal detachment because I don't commit to my personal health. I'm the first one to cook or harass the 'boyfriend' of the moment about what he has eaten, has he eaten, what to eat, if I should make something but when it comes to me...what I eat never matters. Even though it's blatantly affected my health negatively, I continue to overlook it. My 'boyfriends' have always had passions, and hobbies that I break myself as a supporter of-basketball games, baseball games, UFC fights-things outside realm of me, their girlfriend.

I don't have these things. I've never committed to anything outside of them.

I have become only to exist in a shell of a body that I don't take care of anyway. I'm too busy pleasing or taking care of mans body.
Don't get me wrong. I still want to fix my relationship with the All-Star, which recently ended due to a flurry of confusion.
I'm heartbroken beyond words, lonely beyond thought........

I do however, need to commit to something, for me.
Rather, I need to commit to me.

I've tried this before, and failed. Last summer to be exact. I have commitment issues when it comes to me but not when it comes to anyone else-friend or lover.
It's going to be difficult. It has been really difficult.
The last week has been a lot of crying.
But I turn 25 in two weeks. I feel as if there's anytime to make a commitment to anything that has to do with me, or to me, period now is the time. I'm trying to make myself realize that I'm stuck with me, whether I like it or not. Friends, lovers, whatever, I'm not stuck with. Yes, be loyal but there's a degree of commitment that I owe myself first.

Hopefully, I can stick to the task.
I deserve it from me.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Muscle Memory

Just a thought......

Scientists and doctors have proven that we, as humans possess "muscle memory": the ability for our muscles to "remember" training, actions and functions therefore creating endurance when we participate in certain acts.

So when one consistently trains for a marathon, the muscles in the legs begin to "remember" the stress put on the body and in turn after consistent exposure to the repeated act begin to develop additional muscle to assist the body; again, this creates endurance.

Is there a such muscle memory of the heart when it comes to pain?

The same way our hearts are trained, from in the womb, to beat a certain amount of beats per minute to pump blood to the same locations-every minute, every hour, every day, for years on end. Does our heart, if repeatedly exposed to heartbreak develop a muscle memory? Memory to endure the next grief?

I've realized some people are just that nonchalant and "cold" when it comes to matters of the heart and compassion. It usually stems from repeated exposure to the same personal issue. However, I who has been brokenhearted- numerous times, and apparently even if the same individual hurts me its truly as if its the first offense it hurts so much.

Have others developed a muscle memory that I haven't?
Is my heart not..."strength" trained to its best ability?
How much more must I endure to develop the same "strength"?

I'm not sure...
Just something to think about...and possibly a training session I haven't prepared myself well for....

Penny For Your Thoughts? I Have a Dollar

There's something about a good comment that further pushes a writer, to well, write. Aside from our personal drive and aspirations, feedback always either propels us further forward or makes us sit still-depending on how much backbone we possess.

Referring to my last post, Snake Bites, I received an anonymous comment that for some reason, sort of stunned me, or made me think or maybe just made me blank for a moment. A moment that for some time, I've truly needed.

I haven't been writing with the frequency that I once used to, that's a fact. Being 24, trying to establish a career and who knows what the hell else, dealing with a "9 to 5", losing it, a recent miscarriage, the Ex-Significant, the current All-Star..well, I'm usually pretty spent. So what was once upon a time where I wrote here in The New Jack near as a religious practice & received a host of comments I couldn't keep up with-is no longer. My views, subscribers and readership has died down as I've neglected myself and this being my usually only form of expression.

When I do get a comment, nowadays, it truly alerts my attention.

The comment from this stranger in my mind poises them as an invisible EMT. As injured as I feel I am, covered in "snake bites" if you will, some stranger gave me their thoughts, in turn making me think...positively-even if just for that blank moment. There's always a paramedic in the ambulance encouraging the injured that they're "going to make it" or "we're almost at the hospital, you're gonna be fine".

Well this strangers comment is serving that purpose.
I could say in cliche, "penny for your thoughts?" but apparently I've just received a full dollar.
And with the power of purchase, who would turn down a dollar over a penny?

Hello,

Not sure how I ventured across your blog but I have & though I am nothing more than anonymous, I have found myself feeling the urge to reply.

During the course of my visit today, I have read several of your postings & while I could very well be incorrect in my interpretations - I have only the words you've written by which to go off of - to me the picture that is painted onto the canvas of a stranger is that of a sensitive soul who takes a lot to heart, while trying to maintain an outward appearance which runs to the opposite. If I am wrong in that deduction than please by all means disregard me as yet another random soul who fails at psychology.

In this life the most important lessons - & often the hardest - to be learned will always come from those closest to you. Just as you learn the meaning of love & affection from family, you will also discover the multiple levels of disappointment & heartbreak from those whom you've chosen to invest yourself. Regarding the negative, it is a natural response when faced with the level of emotional abuse that you apparently have endured from someone who claimed to care, that you would in some form or fashion attempt to hold yourself responsible for their transgressions & question your self-worth. After all if you hadn't somehow failed in your role as a woman than your "Ex-Significant " wouldn't have run around on you, right?

Natural reaction surely, but is it correct…?? - The obvious answer is "No" but the reasoning behind such thoughts merits further discussion -

It sometimes bears reminding that taking a step back from a situation when you begin to feel overwhelmed amongst the muck & mire will often help to propel one to the proper solution. If you remove subjectivity from the equation - difficult as it may be - you see that this great wide world is made up of all sorts of people. There are doctors who donate their time to fix cleft palates in the 3rd world & then there are those who scam Medicare. There are Lawyers who champion the underprivileged & too many who chase ambulances with $$$ signs reflected in their eyes. Parents who raise their children to be upstanding citizens & those who lead their children down the road of thuggary/vice. People who back their words of affection with like action & people who lie/manipulate with no regard to others feelings in order to further their own agendas. And there is also an articulate blogger with a wounded heart who rages against herself & a beautiful woman risen from the ashen remains left by a lesson fed her against her will; strengthened by the knowledge that she persevered in the face of such adversity.

I'm going to bookmark this site & check back in a few days, allow you to read my comments & decide for yourself whether or not you might have any interest in sharing some dialogue with an anonymous such as myself, who has been there.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey & will simply leave off with on elast thought…

The intial harm never can be antcipated but once an individual has caused you that pain, they can not hurt you further unless you provide them with the leeway to do so.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Snake Bites

"When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life"-Lindsay Lohan as Cady in Mean Girls

It's true though...

I have so much to say about all the poison that I've been so focused in late 2010 with removing. I had a set back, and stopped sucking out the venom in temporary happiness with positive developments in my life. Slowly, the venom has been spreading back across my veins because I thought I got rid of it all and started ignoring what was left over.

It's 2011. It's true, it's a new and better year for me. However, I'm not operating how I once was in keeping that positivity because I'm realizing that some poisons of 2010 and even 2009 still exist.

The Ex-Significant still wants to come back. I'm beyond in love with the All-Star, and the All-Star and I are blissfully in love, have been, with adult and mutual understandings on the state of affairs of our "relationship". Only we understand each other and our mutual plans and though I don't necessarily need other people to understand "us" because we do and that's all that matters, it wouldn't hurt if I had friends I could turn to about "us". Not to express anything negative, just wishing I had friends who could open their hearts and minds and truly hear what I have to say and understand "us".
More importantly, I'm realizing day by day how much the Ex-Significant still plays a role in my life-negatively. It influences issues, brought on by me with the All-Star, it influences my heart-negatively in terms of belief.
For example, dating the Ex-Significant for as long as I did and all the things he's put me through..I've come to realize that I started to believe that this is just what relationships are. You, the woman, love said man..you're dedicated and what not, and the man cheats-repeatedly, and you just continue on your "merry" way. As it's not "expected" that a man will be faithful to one woman for the rest of his life. It hasn't been until recent in depth conversations with the All-Star that I've realized how fucked up my perception has become from dating one person.
The issue is..........I still can't shake these beliefs. No matter how much the All-Star, friends, you name it, try to drill it into my head that its NOT normal for people to cheat, lie, abuse you etc. I'm not sure what it is but it doesn't stick with me. I feel as if, I'm going to get married one day and my husband, whoever he may be, is not going to come home to me every night for the rest of his life and its something that I just have to accept. If I don't, I'm going to spend my life looking for a man that doesn't exist.
Now, I could easily say to myself-"well, you've already been proven wrong in your time of dating the All-Star, and its factual and you have literal proof" but as much as that's so, the work of the Ex-Significant keeps returning to my brain. I don't take what any man says to me seriously, it's not a bias towards the All-Star because we're dating, its all men. I feel like as a woman, I have to just accept these things because they'll happen sooner or later regardless of what man I'm with.

I didn't realize that the snake bites of the Ex-Significant were so deep.....nearly two years later deep. But, they are.

His "works" affect my every belief, they weigh me down and distort my self esteem. I feel empty and worthless. I raise myself in positivity and then I get shocked with a past memory or some negative mistreatment from him that speaks to my mind and says "you were treated this way, because you weren't good enough...and soon enough, no matter who it is the All-Star or someone else will do the same to you because its not them, its you". All of these feelings despite that there is no ammunition from the All-Star, there really isnt. Nor is there from the invisible men that I haven't met yet.
My new boss invokes panic attacks in me by construing the same beliefs-that I'm not good enough and that I need to get my "fucking shit done".
Another bite, another snake in my life, and more poison.

And the poison has taken over my body so much so that nearly two weeks ago, I tried to commit suicide, overwhelmed with venom.

So, here I am.
Swollen, with pain, venom coursing through my veins and trying to find a way to suck the poison out. Just like Cady said: "When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life" I know that's what I have to do to continue to move forward in positivity, but, I'm genuinely stuck. The pain I still feel from the Ex-Significant's work is still hard, when he calls and apologies incessantly and tries to work things out and I stand back and realize-"you've fucked me up-for the current man, for the next man and I may not ever keep a man because you've fucked me up"

I don't feel worth anything because I'm so filled with venom..and I need to suck the poison out. I need to suck all the poison out of my life, I just don't know how to handle multiple snake bites and so much poison in my system all at once.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Class. Intelligence. Adulthood

I've been seeing some tweets and facebook statuses that I have to politely admit are getting on my last nerve. I think it's just that they literally DON'T make sense.
If one is an adult, must we announce "On my grown shit! Ya'll catch up" or "Handling my business cause I'm GROWN son! Get your money up!!"?

Are these SENSIBLE announcements?

I think the severe LACK of adulthood that people are not realizing they ACTUALLY POSSESS in saying these phrases is what irks me. Immensely.

This is what I have to say about all these varied statuses:

Class. Intelligence. Adult behavior..these things don't need a mouthpiece..especially from you. These behaviors speak for themselves.

If you have class, it will show; if you're an adult don't announce you're on your grown and if you're intelligent your words will dazzle us.

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Thing About Turning 25

The thing about turning 25 this year is simple:

At this point in the game, I've realized the kid I was, the person I currently am and the woman I insist on becoming.

I've realized that between 20-24 that I didn't know anything as much as I was convinced I did. I took pleasure in being wild and reckless without seeing the bigger picture. I would deal with the consequences when they inevitably arrived.

Not so much anymore..
Or, not at all even...

And at nearly 25 years old, this, I've realized is all that matters:
My desires have changed.
Positivity is of primary concern.
Think before you act before you leap.
Speak the desires of your heart unto The Lord thy God.
Dreams come true. And those that don't, is the Lord setting you UP not BACK.
We each have the power to change the world.
We each have the power to change ourselves.
Your heart, physically and spiritually is the most important thing you own on this Earth. Talk to yourself the RIGHT way.
The Lord will wipe away your anxieties if you just...talk to Him.
Proverbs 18:20-21: The power of life and death is in the tongue...
Don't depress and discourage YOURSELF.
Listen to your mother.
God will always reveal the true friends that exist in your life..and you don't need 500 of them, you just need 5 TRUE ones.
Meditate.
Meditate on you and on the Lord.
What foods you put in your mouth ARE important..you can't do the work of the Lord if you have no physical body to work WITH.
Pray...every...single...day...
Laugh
You and Jesus have sole authority over YOUR life...its yours and simultaneously belongs to Him..only.
Be kind, even when it hurts.
I made plans that I never committed to, or never made realistic, concrete plans to begin with to actually follow. So, plan and pray. And pray some more.
Seek the Lord first above all things..and everything else will truly be okay.

I've always approached the age of 25 with horror and fear that I'm officially "old" and with 3 months until I hit that number, it's no longer a fear. I look forward to it. I look forward to becoming wiser. I look forward to the Lord's protection. It may have taken me the last 5 years to come into my own..but I'm looking forward to it.
And looking forward to more lessons to be learned.

Resolutions of 2011

If you make only one resolution this year, let it be to live boldly. You control this moment: Rather than cautiously test the water, dive straight into life with freeing abandon. Imagine the person you want to be and the life you want to live, then simply commit to them. Believe in yourself. Embrace your beauty. Discover a new passion. And whatever you do, wherever you go, don't be afraid to make a splash.