It took definitely more than a couple days for me to grab control of all my thoughts. My world is semi spinning...
And it's NOT seeming to STOP..which is what I would like...immediately.
I don't know about everyone else, but I'm in love with roller-coasters, but not if I just had a Big Mac..
...I want to get off the friggin' ride...
Or rather, I shouldn't have boarded it in the first place, right?
1. The Significant did indeed, I guess really...dump me. I'm just not ready to label him as I guess what would be "The Ex-Significant" seeing as I didn't want the breakup. The Significant had a "Britney" we'll call it.
New Jack Diction: "Britney" (Britt-neee:noun)1. Life crisis resulting in victim's meltdown 2. Using a golf club to destroy a mini-van, circa pop-songstress Britney Spears circa 2007 3. Major life questioning meanwhile displaying wild, abnormal behaviors including mass violence-verbal and non-verbal.
He's indeed struggling with what I believe is the prospect of going back to school at an older age, not being in the profession he would choose to be, now, jobless, family pressures and open expression of disappointment etc. This resulted in on Thursday, a massive "Britney". This meltdown to say the least scared me shitless. It's something that cannot even be described, it needed to be taped...
Screaming, cursing, jumping into cars and driving, wild levels of anger never witnessed, wild levels of verbal abuse etc. His solution to him not knowing needs to be in his life, is to remove everything from his life..starting with his girlfriend of nearly 3 years.
Yes, that individual would most certainly be me.
He's saying he'll be very much in touch with me, and that we can still hang out. He's almost making the terminology of the situation sound reminicent of a "break" but we're single. That, is not the definition of a "break", therefore we're not together. Between...crying and being blank, I'm not sure what the fuck I am in general.
I couldn't quote Lil Wayne at any better time and say..."I feel like dying". I made that very, very known as I drank myself into a wild black hole filled with 151 in which the hangover just made me wish that someone would shoot me point blank range in the forehead.
Right now, everyone is telling me very Kanye-esque that I'm "worrying about the wrong things"..or "baby, don't worry about it". I seem to be hearing from all angles that I'm "Paranoid". That he's going to realize its a rash decision..and he'll return. I'm not sure how long this is going to go on..but as per my 2009 resolutions list this MUST be some wild test of patience because I'm beginning to crumble SO ridiculously hard.
My patience must be being tested all around...
I did NOT get the memo that was "Test The New Jack's Patience Level Month"...
I'm seeing some new developments with people's..."things" we'll call them. "Things" meaning careers, side-hustles, etc. and I'm trying...
...I am TRYING.....
To wait my turn...
Trying to not explode at the levels of input and seeing not the ouput I want. I shouldn't be one to judge the input of other people into their "things" but it seems to the eye, not as thorough as mine has been and they're seeing the output that I'm getting sickeningly impatient about receiving.
If my goal is truly by August '09 to get my patience together..this is going to be such a wretched 2009 for me...
...Just as the gut feeling I had that it would be...
Can someone kill me now, please? I'm over 2009....
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