Robocop

I can finally...express it..sort of...

It's like..pouring water on a robot...

Similar to spilling coffee on your keyboard...

The power surge that kicks out your cable..

Or when you while walking, trip, drunk as all hell, and drop your cell phone into your Long Island Iced Tea..

It's truly a shut down..

I'm moving like a Robocop....
All my movements and speech have become so robotic and foreign to me.
You can't just kick it, and expect it to restart. There is a significant amount of water/liquid/physical trauma to the item that is going to take extensive repair to bring it back to its original working form. In some instances, it needs to be replaced entirely..........

I've tried to have extensive control over a vast amount of things going on in my life and instead, things have just gotten even worse so out of my control. That plus, the regular good, old curve ball always added to my life as a mix for shits and giggles equals me becoming a total robot.
I've been so overly kind, and I've tried my hardest to reduce the effect of my blunt speech as it has come into view that it affects a numerous amount of people. After taking such careful effort and taking control to curb it, it comes out that I already have such a bad rep that several people actually....fear me. Like almost fear for their life, fear me. The norm statement I'm hearing way to regularly is becoming "I didn't do this because I'm afraid of you, that's why". ; "I didn't say it because I'm afraid of you".
I mean...it's gotten to a point that people are apparently afraid to even take money if it involves me, because they apparently fear that somehow in this wild recession it's not worth it to take the money if it could pose the risk of them screwing it up and me knowing about it. Word on the block is people are apparently so shook up by my "scary" character that they've rejected jobs because somehow I'm involved with the job description..Result? I become robotic and greet everyone overly happy {i.e. google: Barney; purple dinosaur, not the retail haven}, stifling my personality and keeping more quiet than I ever have been in life for the sake of "keeping the peace". I promise, one of two things is going to happen..I'm either going to spaz out completely (i.e. google: N.E.R.D) or I'm going to stay quiet forever.

I've tried to take such control over this blog situation, knowing I'm being hacked crazily since August 2008. I can't get anyone it seems like to help. The more I seek help with changing the layout for the things I know not how to do as well as virus/robot help, the more I can't find anyone..Result? I get MORE frustrated, I get robotic and write less because a part of me sees my work going to shambles. I'm supposed to be taking some courses in writing, InDesign, Photoshop etc. but that starts with purchasing a new laptop, and paying $425 per class in Manhattan so I can put them on my resume as fuel..neither of the necessary tools I have as I write this right now. I realize more and more, the more you want something done..learn to do it yourself. The idea of "networking" for help, is complete bullshit..as everyone is either A.) out for themselves B.) doesn't care what you need C.) doesn't have time D.) is looking for a way to hold you to the help you requested as a pull for sometime in the future E.) all of the friggin above.
I'm struggling, editing and attempting HTML/CSS updates as I TYPE..

Go figure...

I've tried to take care of my health situation..only lately, if I actually remember it, the medication I'm on is to be taken in 3 dosages, daily, until further notice regarding my life. Of course, "Doc" informed me that this is technically going to serve as a "life" condition..so, I'll be on medication, forever. When I take all 3 dosages, I do feel better..but this was after several weeks of me having no medication and being able to do nothing because all I did was sleep! In review, I've gained a total of 28lbs. That, is equivalent to a young human..
It just seemed the more I tried to fight my thyroid, the more it knocked me down. Result? The score has definitely been: Thyroid: 12,000,000 vs. New Jack: 0.

I guess..
I'm just becoming very aware of myself slipping into a dark hole. The only two things that have kept me afloat these last two weeks, have been The Significant and my BFF. They've been attentive, very caring, thoughtful, and concerned just to say the least. They've noticed the frustration, and the very odd change in my expression as I'm acting SUPER introverted as opposed to the extrovert they're so overly familiar with.

Or rather, they're becoming concerned about the introvert that I never was...
a Robocop...