It's as if I've caught fever...
But I guess, it's a fever I don't want to sweat out. But this fever, I tell you, it's lit fire under my skin and made a lot of things move for me.
I was repeatedly given advice to worry about me, and me only for awhile. My feelings for The Ex-Significant as well as just the positioning of others in my life was always too much to make me do just that. And, I'll admit for two months, I didn't. I was 200% worried about The Ex-Significant and an All-Star that I had an insane amount of feelings for, none of the time worrying about myself but more so, what would be the end result. Better put, it was always about what am I going to 'get' not, what's going to happen 'to' me. After two months, you may have to just admit to yourself that your ideas are just not working and maybe it's time to try something different.
So I have...
I've buried myself into the project of finding a job, not necessarily a salaried job, but a decent job that will pay the bills and that I can merrily more than tolerate. In the short span of three weeks of making that my sole focus, I got hired as a full-time account key holder at Perfumania. So far, I like my co-workers, I get paid a base pay as well as make a commission. Enough, if used correctly, to pay my bills and start saving and making my goals come true in 2010. I'm not going to lie, not only me, myself but pretty much all of my friends have had an awful, stressful and corrupt 2009. Job losses, deaths, financial woes that words can't describe, loves lost...the list is too long and it doesn't solely apply to me. I'm using 2010 as a starting over point. Not just an, "oh 2010 is going to be great and who knows what will happen after that". No.
I want 2010 to be the beginning of the rest of my life. In positivity. In abundance. I don't want to work for anyone else, I want to work for myself. Doing what I love. And I want to spend the rest of 2009 just preparing and organizing for the first new day of the rest of my beautiful life. 1/1/10.
There will be setbacks. There will be haters. But, the beauty of my life will not dissipate.
With that being said, I'm going to edit The New Jack. No more frivolous posts.
The New Jack is two years old, and in two years from this post, today I want to see that I've continued to grow and make change. That I've truly come to see the beauty in life. The beauty in every day. That I've helped people. That in some way, I'm assisting putting someone at peace. I don't care how many page views The New Jack gets anymore, because it's not about publicity...it's about life & love. The only two things that truly matter.
So in 2010, The New Jack will get a much simpler face lift....
What will be about publicity wont be my life as The New Jack, but Shoes From Last Night-the online and hopefully, physical shoe boutique that I'm setting up and Dulce de Cocoa-a candy & clothing line that I'm working on simultaneously that will donate proceeds to Action Against Hunger.
All this activity, thought and movement has literally happened in a span of two weeks. It's like I said, its as if I've caught fever. But in actuality, its the best fever I've ever caught. And this is what happens when you apply yourself to you. I have a passion to move. A passion to grow. A passion to change. A passion to assist in change. A passion for my future and the future of others.
So, I'm setting up shop.
Setting up shop for others.
And, setting up shop for my life.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
It might be approximately 2 months before New Years, but if there's anything I've been ready for in my life, it's certainly 2010. The year of 2009 can end tomorrow, and it would be the BEST news I've heard during this wretched year.
I've celebrated two years in writing in The New Jack and with age, comes wisdom.
I've celebrated two years in writing in The New Jack and with age, comes wisdom.
I'm ready to embrace that wisdom.
I'm 23, and during 2010, I'll be turning 24 in April. Recently, my mind was in a really dark place in regards to money, love, plans, family, you name it.
I've had no money, I went from being salaried at a place I despised to being free and happy about that freedom but with $30 in my name meaning "rich". I had finally ended my relationship with The Significant and it was difficult and even trying to have a basic relationship/friendship was worse because we were so angry and hurt but now, slowly, we're getting better and better. I fell for an All-Star that even up to last night, confirmed that he'll never commit to me. I'm heartbroken. The sad part is, the only flaw I find in him is that he won't commit to me. He has all the qualities that I've ever sought out, but can't be faithful to one woman (or at least for right now)-surprise. My mother and I haven't spoken to one another in two weeks. Our relationship has always been a strained and negative one, but these days its scraping the bottle of the barrel. I didn't know that we could get so low..until now. The transmission on my car is dying..a car sold to me by my uncle that I've only had for 4 months. Naturally, he sold me a fucked up car but it waited to fully fuck up just when I'm unemployed and I'm powerless to fix it.
I've realized though in always conversing with a pair of "John" cousins, (love you both with all my heart) that listing and re-listing all the problems in my life is not going to do anything. I need to focus on the good. And if I can't find any good in that present moment, then make good. In efforts to climb out of the dark place I was in, I just started write down a "boot camp" list if you will. A list that if I can accomplish all these things that I've left on the back burner and force myself in an Army like mode to get them done, I'll actually start to feel better and then be able to accomplish another list of things to follow afterwards.
I started to carry a mini notebook with me.. everywhere. A small notebook, with the Oneonta state insignia on it. Every time a remotely came across a thought or a goal and the processes to complete that goal I started to jot it down. There are some things I've beaten myself up about that I haven't completed without truly realizing that I can't get them done without completing some minor steps beforehand. So I started an order. First, the duration of the "boot camp" 11/1/09-12/31/09. I've hated 2009 so much, that I can spend the next 2 months of it distracting myself in immersing myself into the preparation of 2010. Things such as my goal of losing as close to 35 pounds as possible and HOW to do it. Tackling some minor basic work for SFLN such as, domain names and proper logos. Moving my 401K from my former employer to under my watch in my personal INGDirect account. Doing a full body detox program from GNC and not drinking soda or liquor for the next months. Fixing my checking account. Finding a volunteer program to participate in while I'm unemployed. These are just a few things that I've listed in "boot camp" in which I wrote that list in blue ink, everything from very deep and personal to changing my look for the beginning of 2010. I'm even going to take the advice and truly recover from The Significant and The All-Star by being single for awhile and will even be celibate for a minimum of the next two months.
I'm single. It's time to acknowledge it and not be afraid of it.
I followed up that blue-inked boot camp list with a 2010 list. Everything on both lists is very much within reach and can be accomplished it's just a matter of serious application and dedication. The 2010 list I did in black ink, listing all the things I'm trying to accomplish with deadlines & even fall back deadlines based on the goal and the month. Everything from being able to do a side split and how to up my vitamin intake to my real estate license and a newer car.
I feel really positive. I feel ready to do all of this. No sacrifice, no victory
Halloween was amazing and I used it as a tool to get all of the last bit of craziness out of my system so that as of November 1st, especially so that it began on a Sunday, it would be the beginning of it all.
And like I said, I'm ready. Ready to grow up. Ready to start incorporating more positivity in my life. Ready to be healthier. Ready to start throwing some real accomplishments under my belt.
So with that, let boot camp begin.
No sacrifice, no victory