Tuesday, December 22, 2009

New Jack Update: In One Year's Time

I'm trying the best to give myself a time cap. A limit.
Maybe, installing a time cap will place enough pressure under me to get some things moving. I'm starting to realize that I'm too distracted.
Just....too damn distracted by things that as much as they shouldn't matter generally, of course they matter to me and it's not helping me further anything. That's the problem that I need to see. IF I actually got it through my lovesick skull that I'm chasing and getting distracted by things that aren't adding more money to my pocket or getting SFLN or Dulce de Cocoa off the ground and providing exposure to garner more money then...I shouldn't be really chasing after those things.
At least, not right now...
The focus has to be adjusted to doing something brand new...it has to be adjusted and stay fixed.

The issue with me is that, I'm not keeping the focus fixed. I had to vent out so many of my frustrations in Red Kool-Aid because that's exactly what I feel like is going on in my life every minute of the day. The man I want, I can't have. The men I don't want, are roaches and want me. I want to be the girlfriend/wife and people think I'm mistress material. And in all of this, is the frustration that I just love, love and I'm so far away from having any piece or part of it.
Unfortunate as that is, I have to truly dig my heels in and remind myself that this is what its going to have to be for awhile. Not forever....just awhile.

I need money...and I need my career to take off. I need a new car as I'm now officially car-less, and I need an apartment, preferably in Nassau county. These are not things I want, these are things that at 23 years of age I officially need. I need to fucking get my act together. Chasing after the man that I do want, who he's chasing after mainly 3 of "X"amount of women IS NOT going to put money in my pocket, my own apartment in front of me that I'm really, really dying for, nor get my boutiques off the ground, nor put the Pontiac G6 that I need to get around in in front of me either.
Trying to fend off the roaches that assume I'm mistress material or that are not worth my time in general but insist on stalking after me, isn't going to make these things come to fruition for me. I really have to take the sound advice that Joshen has already stated "When you focus your ambition like a laser you can make actual physical tears in your reality." Followed by the advice he gave me directly..."Instead of being the Kool aid that attracts the roaches, become that 200 watt bulb that once on makes all the roaches in the room scatter".
In applying these things, I need to truly alter my reality.

When you look at it, both Drake and Kerin Rose, two people that I admire greatly TRULY altered their reality in approximately ONE year. Drake went from being teased by mainstream folks as the "mulatto" kid from the 'Degrassi TV show' to a MIXTAPE garnering him two Grammy nominations. Not an album...a MIXTAPE.
Kerin Rose, went from living in Long Island very much like myself, making her own sunglasses with a bedazzler gun to having those very same sunglasses being photographed constantly on Rihanna and now living in Manhattan and boutiques begging her to carry her sunglasses.
In One Year's Time.

With the year ending, a horrific year at that, it's truly time to redirect and fixate the focus. I truly, truly hope in one year's time I can say the same success stories about myself. I know what I want point B to be, I just am still stuck at point A.

Not forever...just for awhile.

Enjoy your times of turmoil, if you make it through you will realize that those days are the ones that lead to your day of glory. During your darkest hour, with your most dire wounds, your only choices are to heal or die."-Joshen

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

New Jack Update: Red Kool-Aid

"Water doesn't attract roaches, but red flavored kool-aid does though".

This quote was directed at me last night, and to be quite honest I don't know how to feel about it. I do genuinely believe that I need a break from men...after all that's transpired within the last 3 years of The Ex-Significant/MVP and now with the relationship 300% done you can't just jump into something else the following Thursday. I've been single for 3 months now, which is not nearly as long of a break as I need to take, agreed with the general public however at times my feelings for an All-Star consume me.

As much as I feel for him, and part of me agrees he feels for me I'm realizing that I'm starting to fear him. He's not classless like The Ex-Significant was, and there are particular things that I know I would never expect to see from him ever, however he has his own potential to cause me grave pain. Daily, that's becoming more and more knowledgeable.

I know the theory, that you can't find out if something is right for you if you don't 'jump' into the air and see if you're caught. There's a 50% chance you'll be caught, there's also a very prominent 50% chance that you wont be and your skull will be cracked.
What my friendly counter parts seem to not understand is that I'm not pushing, rushing or accelerating anything. I'm truly not. Just because I'm aware that I personally need a break, and I am TAKING one doesn't mean my brain just shuts off and I don't see...it doesn't mean I don't feel anything either.

It doesn't mean that I don't hope or dream. Desire or want.

The simplicity that I know I need a break, I took a minute and stopped sleeping with the men I was sleeping with because I know it wasn't going to do any good. Sleeping with them was only embodying to them that I'm only something worth sleeping with..not more than that. I can't express a general frustration that I have in just the sexual desire part of it because apparently it makes me look bad..like "red koolaid" which "attracts roaches". It recently started to fuck with my head, when someone I know who CLEARLY has a girlfriend )that everyone knows her too)contacted me because he wants to have a side line relationship with me. Mind you, he's not MY friend, he's a friend of someone else that's close to me and we NEVER speak really but he apparently looked at me and felt CONFIDENT enough to contact me because I look like not 'girlfriend' material but great 'mistress' material. No matter how I change my look, physically and no matter how much I don't even speak to put the WRONG image of me out there men always think I'm just mistress material. Women are always threatened and intimidated by me on the assumption that I'm mistress material.

I'm not a mistress or dominatrix, nor do I try to be. It's one thing to do put on a show for the man I'm dating, but I don't apply this to "random nigga number 5".

It's making me sick.

A couple of people told me that long hair adds too much to my sex appeal. Hell in efforts to change things for 2010, I've already cut it all off to underneath my chin to reduce the "sex appeal" if that helps. I've only had it for 2 weeks and I haven't gone out in a public setting to determine whether its helping or not..but people still assume that I'm just perfect mistress material.

It saddens me, and I feel sort of hopeless about the matter. I feel as if I just have to be alone and I can't even generally express my discontent about it without being wrong in some facet. I can't express my loneliness because it makes me look weak. I can't express my sexual frustration because that poises me as a whore. I can't express my sadness because that results in pity and me appearing to be pathetic. I can't dress, act, speak or express in a certain manner because that "attracts roaches".
I went from a couple to being a single woman, and all of a sudden all my freedom of expression about MY situation just got stripped from me.

With love and with my friends, I feel as if I just cannot win.
And apparently all the red kool-aid I'm covered in has got me stuck in a sticky place.