Wednesday, December 15, 2010

SFLN + Kate Spade

Available here

Virginia is for Fashion Lovers


Stand In Love

Stand in love. no matter what is coming at you. dont let others bad attitudes affect you. lead by example. love by example. Stand in love.
- Tricia Huffman

Thursday, December 9, 2010


What do I need? What do I like? What do I want? What makes me happy? We must ask ourselves; if you don't know, no one can know for you

Monday, December 6, 2010

So much change, such little time

I've had a couple things to write, but either haven't been presented with time or able to just plain old convey my thoughts. I think I'm moved into the territory of the weight of my thoughts truly being my own.

Everything you want, everything you think of is controlled by you. My in depth re-connection with Jesus has re-established my feelings on all these things. In the last two months I've realized how much of a negative person I've become in the last three years and how I let the feelings, behaviors and thoughts of others overrule my own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I also realize the depth in which I exhibited no self control. Especially in the mental department. My thoughts and feelings have been..erratic. I used to be so tailored in the art of planning, and thinking things through and having order and after a few life events, I just let everything including myself be..chaotic. I developed severe stress patterns resulting in high level panic attacks all because I haven't in three years practiced controlling my thoughts. MY thoughts.
In the last two gone, losing the All-Star, still job hunting etc I've actually used all my spare time and even non-spare time to slow my thought process down. Entirely.
When I feel anxious, I stop. Review what is going on, what is the source of my anxiety, and make a plan as to how to attack it IF it can be attacked. If not, move forward and seek in prayer for a positive resolve. I've been doing this same problem solving, thought-controlling process when I'm anxious, saddened, angered, feeling worthless..any feeling or state of emotion that isn't a positive one. I've also truly elevated into a state of gratitude that I never looked at that in the loss of child I could've lost my own life in the process, but I didn't because God is with me. At all times. I truly, have nothing to complain about. People make mistakes, and shit happens but I've spent so much time..three whole years trying to make things happen WITH other people instead of focusing on making things happen for myself.

I realized how silly and misguided I've been for such a long time.

My greatest fear has been to be ALONE, so I stayed in a truly detrimental relationship with the Ex-Significant for all that time. I wound up finding and experiencing true love with the All-Star but just for the timing to not be right. To wind up ALONE, to truly, truly realize that I'm not alone and never have been. God has been and is with me.

I don't feel the anxiety in severe droves that I used to and experience 1-3 panic attacks per day. I'm down to 1 per week...if that, and short lasting. There's a comfort and freedom in realizing that you're not alone, never have been and never will be. It's the poison of the mind that roots deep to convince you of otherwise. So though in the physical sense that I'm "alone" I don't feel alone for a minute.
There's a freedom in realizing that all my decisions are truly that of my own and that as a standing adult I have to answer to no one but myself. The All-Star and I aren't on negative terms, and if I see it fit that I want to go out to dinner with him then it's my prerogative. No one's feelings and opinions are relevant. I'm going to do as I see fit anyway, because only I and God know what's best for me. If I'm working in a retail position because that's whats available to me at this time, doesn't make me any lesser of a person because I may not be able to afford the luxuries that I used to, or go out as much or even at all.

I've been spending a better amount of time with my parents..especially my mom, who for years her and I have always had a terrible relationship. Things have been going so much smoother. Give and take. In losing something so great, as a child, I always said my heart is never going to beat the same again..and it doesn't. I think about it often, but my heart beats differently when I see my mother. I understand her better. I understand ME on a whole new playing field. I know how to decipher what I want versus what I don't want. If I can't make these decisions for me, then how would I be able to make them when my mother becomes elderly and needs me and going forward for a baby that will need me to make executive decisions 24/7? My heart beats with passion for what I want and what I want solely. What I want for my family, what I want to see myself with...not just in the physical, but in the mental. How I want to evolve as a woman of class and grace. I want to take cooking classes, and learn to cook not just the cuisine of my nationality but all foods, I want to practice Ashtanga yoga for physical strength but also its mental principles, and pole dancing for the hell and fun of it. I want to root myself in self-sufficiency and worldliness. I want to learn more about African-American history..and Jamaican history. I want to become saavy with a wrench and screwdriver, so I don't have to incessantly call upon a man-whether it be my father, brother, uncle or some significant other to install my own shit. I want to be able to put something together and stand back and tall and say "I did that". No one the fuck else, "I did that". I want to learn about wines and pottery. Finance and home fixtures. I want, I want, I want.
And finally, I will have. I will create.

I repeatedly said 2010 has taken the cake for being the sole worst year of my life..a continuation of drama, pain and problems from 2007 and 2009 especially. The majority of year has been negative only because of my outlook. I never realized that when you workout through pain, you gain muscle. I've made it to my breakthrough point. Not breakdown, but breakthrough. All this has been preparation from God. Now I want and hunger for ME. And all this muscle I've gained, I finally see the definition I've sought after and I can finally put it to good use starting in 2011, and for the rest of my life.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Figuring Out the Self

I've spent a lot of time since my last post meditating, praying and figuring things out for my life. I've started to put an insane level of focus on myself.

Almost hourly, prayer has become a routine, whether I've been suffering from anxiety or not. What's been the best part of the meditation and high level of prayer, is that I'm truly realizing more and more about myself on a daily basis. If not even at some points an hourly basis. I've realized how severe my anxiety is and how much I hate it. I've realized that it's truly stemming from fear of the unknown-what people might say to me in a confrontation, people's reactions etc. The physical symptoms of my anxiety actually create MORE feelings of anxiety manifesting it further.

I've realized that cleaning and organizing calms me down in a great way. Some people when they're stressed or anxious feel this relief in exercise, I truly feel it in cleaning and organizing. I've realized that I am a true stress eater..when I'm depressed and sad as I have been I possess no appetite whatsoever, but when I'm anxious specifically I feel a hunger that isn't satisfied when it should be. Prayer and listening to church sermons immediately lifts my anxiety. It lifts it so quickly that it's almost comparable to taking an emergency injection that just breaks the skin and rushes through the blood stream. So let's re-phrase that, Jesus lifts my anxiety.

I'm taking slow comfort in being by myself and learning what I like, what I dislike, changing things that I want to change in myself, etc. I'm taking more care of my physical body..actually paying attention to it. Things that I was always "too rushed" to do, I'm doing for myself while asking God to shower me in His peace, love, poise, grace and glory. I thought that this was the worst thing I could ever be doing..being alone, taking the time to focus on myself...Hell, I've had wild tantrums over how much I don't want to be alone and focus on myself. This actually is a good's a necessary thing.

I feel as if I have it figured all out but I know I still need to take things slowly..take things one day at a time as I have been, continue to be routed in prayer and making small positive changes. I think about the baby regularly......
But somehow, have been okay enough to not cry so much when I think of her, and what she would've been. I'm not sure if you can miss something that you didn't fully have..but I miss her. I miss looking forward to knowing what she would've looked like, and I miss her moving inside me.. day at a time..
Looking at this entry, I know my thoughts are choppy.. it feels like my mind is all over the place while I'm trying to write and not putting things in a flowing form but as chaotic as it may seem, one thing I'm sure of is that I have peace. Or I'm on my way to fully receiving peace. I'm slowly feeling more love and abundance than I've ever felt. I'm coming into realizing the truth behind when people tell you they love you, what forms that love versus care come in, what I deserve as a woman and what I don't deserve as just a human being.

The thing I deserve the most, is the manifestation of peace.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Finding The Heart

Lately, I've truly been weighing the worth of having a heart.

The levels of pain I've been feeling, I've almost begged God for the ability to no longer feel.

It's complicated though. The inability to feel doesn't determine one's inner strength, but makes you appear to the public to be strong. The more robotic one appears to be, is the more the public perceives that person to be "strong". So then, what is strength? Also, what is love? What's it like to feel it being able to lift a car like Superman? Or the ability to be a stable support system to the one who needs you in a time of crisis? Or maybe it's being able to swallow a double shot of whiskey without making a face, as if you just drank water. Or is it just the ability to keep moving in your darkest hour with some supernatural faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I've been angry with myself for as long as I can remember for feeling as if I've been cursed with too big of a heart. The way I'll bend over backwards, the incessant displays of loyalty and unconditional love that I feel are never returned in full. Whenever those people hurt me, I blame myself for having too large of a heart in the first place. But is it my heart that's really the problem? What if I don't know my heart to begin with? If I just know that I'll do anything for love.


I'll do anything to make people feel good, smile, laugh or promote love and being in love. That's where this heart of mine has always been, in love. My heart feels a mess when love is missing and to lose so much love in such a short period of time I haven't been sure what to do with myself. I haven't been sure why I even exist. Maybe this is part of it. Maybe it's to be a 5'5 cupid sans the wings, but with eight times the heart. Or maybe I don't exist for any particular reason at all..
But this feels like the last attempt in my soul to figure it wonder why God has given me such beautiful ideas, such beautiful people and I have nothing to show with it. I've done nothing with them, because I don't know what to do.
I'm just not paying attention...


If He put this last idea into my head, The Finding the Heart Project, then let's see if this is why I exist. To find my heart, and to help others find theirs. Even while questioning the worth of having a heart to begin with. Sometimes, the idea of being a steel robot doesn't seem so bad...until one day, like me, you're laying on your back and looking at a moving ultrasound.

And you know what...
You hear a heartbeat that isn't yours, but is worth to you more than all the gold in the world.
In that moment, a having heart is heaven on earth.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Saran Wrap

Its when you inhale and you feel the hollow spaces in your chest, almost like multiple big holes in a piece of Saran Wrap...that's how my heart has been.

I haven't written.....
Mainly because I've literally felt in too much grief to write. I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. Maybe I haven't written, because..there isn't much to say. People always advise that you talk your feelings out and talking them out..hasn't altered my reality. Sometimes, it just reinforces a reality I don't want to believe.
I feel virtually future-less. If "future-less" could actually be rendered a term.

To be pregnant.
To lose a baby.
To separate from the love of my life.
All in such a short period of a bit more than much to handle.

I have no appetite. I don't see a reason to be outside my actual bedroom, let alone not laying in the bed. I force myself to go outside. I force myself to answer phone calls. I put away the ultrasound photo..of a girl, due on 2/14/2011 what I feel would've been the best Valentine's Day of my entire life.
Him and I still love each other..and its something between us that I can't explain. Nothing has changed. We're just separating. Just to go into two separate corners and figure things out for awhile on our own. People always say "if you love something, you let it go and if it comes back then it's yours". That's what we're doing. Making our own plans as individuals and if we come back to one another, then we do belong together. We both went through such an ordeal and he has been the person I've been able to turn to the most. The only person that truly understands the source of my thoughts and feelings and has served as a source of wisdom and thorough comfort, always knowing the right and best things to say.

Every time that I'm with him and analyze the relationship in full...I realize that I always thought I knew what love was in my previous relationship. I didn't have a clue. I know now. I know what it's like to truly have, true love. As much as that's not the only thing that makes a relationship work, I know what it's like to fully experience true and unconditional love.

And it's beautiful.
I am his blood, and he is mine..and regardless of what ever may happen especially for a baby shared, we will always be family. Always.

It's hard to move forward, in the terms of everything. I feel like I have no future to move towards. I have no career. I have love in my heart, but not in the physical tangible sense as both my love and baby are gone. My resume on life has been graduating college, destroying my physical body with a thyroid condition and drinking liquor like life elixir as if my liver is cool to follow for mass shutdown. Add a couple of missing main events of family and friends lives being upstate in college for the four years, a lot of financial debt trying to fix my heart and impress people who weren't important. Missing my little brother's entire high school career. I don't have much to show for anything.

I hear my baby's heartbeat in my ears and remember to vividly what it's like to drink an entire slurpee from 7/11 and how quickly she would move. My body is almost fully back to normal, and I look at it with a loathing that I didn't know I could experience. That my stomach is flat again, and my belly button has retracted back. Or when I lay awake and cry all hours of the night because there's no movement inside of me, or that my breasts are leaking with a milk that now serves no purpose. I've contemplated suicide more than I think my brain can handle. I truly feel as if I have no reason for existence and if it be that I do, that maybe I've done all I need to do already. I've been a part of a couple people's lives outside my family and we have some beautiful memories that I'm sure will last them.

Other than that.....there's no plan. No goals. No dreams.
Once you poke holes in a piece of saran wrap, you need an entirely new piece.
And I have no idea where to get a new one..a new heart.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


My grandfathers both passed the Christmas of 1985, the year before I was born the April 1986. Therefore, of course, I never knew either of them..or what it was like to have a “grandpa”. The grandmother I did know passed away in 2004, week and a half before my sophomore year of college. Since then, I’ve always said without her wisdom and guidance I’ve been free-falling through my life. Trying insane stunts, getting arrested, racking up debt and practicing a lot of self loathing based on full absorption of others’ opinion of me.

I’ve felt like for awhile it just may always be that way. My parents are young..text messaging, Blackberry users, who DVR their favorite shows and wear the latest designs. Responsible? Absolutely and without question. Young? Indeed. I don’t find them lacking in knowledge, my fathers passion for accounting, Greek and Roman mythology and economics probably makes him the most intelligent person I know. My mother is more domestic and earthy, an artist skilled at every form from pottery to painting to pencil. She’s never been the type to speak to me much about…anything, especially life advice. I’ve had to either figure it out on my own or wait to hear some skewed version from a peer who was trying to make sense of their parents understanding themselves.

Enter my grandmother.

Always the voice of instruction and reason. Patient with my childhood hyper-activity and adolescent misunderstandings. My youthful frustration with boys, education and acne. Forthright with the importance of Jesus, and never ever temperamental. And since her death, to now the age of 24 I’ve just been walking through life without a plan just seeing where men, money and friends take me or how all three could betray me.

And yesterday, I met someone. Someone named Gloria. During and after speaking to Gloria I realized that I’ve had this outer experience only twice before in my life. The moment that I was told my grandmother died and when my name was called to accept my Bachelors degree. It’s a feeling that I’m not sure if my heart has stopped beating..but I’m aware that I’m having difficulty breathing. Despite the lack of air, I’m not panicked. It’s not the fear that one experiences when the brain registers that the person is undergoing suffocation, but an almost high so powerful that its the euphoria described that one feels when they’re near dead from drowning. She would touch my hand and my spine went numb, yet a tingle of electricity would go down the back of my legs making me almost certain that they would give out beneath me. She said things to me that God has been trying to get through to me but with the absence of a grandparent, she was the right vessel. I think of all that was said, and my heartbeat slows. I’m aware of it now. It calms me. The wild, erratic, angry behavior I’ve displayed from years of feeling displaced, I finally realize I’m not displaced anymore.

Maybe I really am right where I should be in life.

There is no concept of time..or of age. Neither matter because its already planned out according to a clock I can’t control. He’s working on it, if He hasn’t worked it out already. I’m so immersed in the pains of comparison of where I should be and what I should be doing and what I should have compared to others that of course I’m resentful. There is no concept of time..nor of age. There isn’t a proper age to graduate college, or buy a house or own your first car or have your first baby. These time restraints are developed not by God, but by that of society. Wrinkle creams and the market towards the prevention of aging hasn’t been praised that with age comes wisdom, but that with age comes ugly. In which, is entirely untrue. For all the wisdom that’s been bestowed upon me by those who only possess wrinkles, its just shown me that with age comes power. With age comes certainty and a beauty that none of us can draw on. She said more than once, “the more you look in the mirror the ugliest you become..we’re already blessed.” She’s right. I don’t possess my own house, or car and my checking account doesn’t have a comma, but it doesn’t take away from the beauty of who I am as a person. And I’ve worried, incessantly, over sunscreen and wrinkle cream serums and turning 25 in the Spring…and for what you ask? Because I don’t have “the” car, house, husband, baby, dog, walk-in closet, you-name-it. The bitterness is what’s made me ugly, and sitting in the mirror constantly agonizing over it all and how to create it from thin air. I’m 24, and I needed someone who’s lived to 74 to tell me that wrinkles aren’t the problem, getting ugly..not physically, but making your heart ugly is all that matters. That’s what you prevent. When people are mean, you don’t return the same “sentiment”, and you don’t hold a scoring board and measure your life up to others..AT ALL.

At the end of the day, you don’t do these things because He’s working on it, if not has worked out the plan for you already. Therefore there is no concept of time. Time and age don’t matter.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

September 2010. Aries Horoscope-Revisions and Reflections

Recent big plans or major moves that happened without careful analysis may be due for revision this month. Far-seeing Jupiter backs out of impulsive Aries on September 9 and will revisit imaginative Pisces until January 22 next year. It's a time to review new concepts and see if the ideas are matched by feelings. The wisdom of Jupiter in Pisces is intuitive, spiritual and imaginative, which is best received with reflection.

On September 8, the New Moon in Virgo spawns a fresh 28-day lunar cycle that's excellent for increasing efficiency and developing useful skills. Cerebral Mercury, Virgo's ruling planet, provides a boost as it turns direct on September 12, ending its three-week retrograde period when information flowed less freely. Contacts and conversations put on hold may finally begin again.

Reassessing relationships and financial matters shows up when evaluative Venus enters scrutinizing Scorpio on September 9. It's tempting to be cynical about love then since the romantic bloom tends to fade in this emotionally intense and discerning sign. Still, this is an opportunity to peer below the tranquil surface of partnerships to gauge the return on investment we get for sharing bodies, hearts and bank accounts with others.

Passions grow and desires deepen when Mars also enters intense Scorpio on September 14. The action planet's return to its watery home sign encourages persistent efforts that are not easily dissuaded. This is excellent for pushing through obstacles, but encourages some folks to continue pursuing activities that have outlived their usefulness. Still, fresh visions and original concepts blossom with a brilliant conjunction of philosophical Jupiter and innovative Uranus on September 18. The Sun's opposition to this ingenious pair kicks the need for freedom and freshness into a higher gear.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Here's the thing about ATTITUDE

Here's the thing about attitude. Your attitude belongs to you. Nobody can make you have a bad one, and nobody can make you have a good one.

Joyce Meyer, A Thankful Life 9/5/2010 telecast

Monday, September 6, 2010


"the lovers need to clear the road, because this thing is ready to blow..."-RIHANNA

Ive had a breakthrough, not the most positive one..but one that's self sustaining and with the person I'm dating now, the ALL STAR is all about reinforcing self sustenance. For starters I've realized what a true breakthrough is one that regardless of how it may hurt in the process..that you come out of it 150% ok. In the last week, I've truly come to grips with how much I'm affected by others opinions and actions and after this past week for the first time I've finally pushed past it. The all star and I had a dinner, outside, candlelit, gorgeous and in such a romantic setting we had such amazing conversation. The weight I put on peoples opinions, how much I believe it defines me, how I curb my feelings or desires in accordance with the opinion or action of another and most importantly how much my opinion doesn't hold any weight in my world. The combination of the 3 hour talk, reading ENERGY ADDICT 101, and missing my best friends 25th birthday party and the backlash that came as a complimentary gift....I've come to breakthrough a set of chains that's been set to my wrists since childhood.

My opinion is the only opinion of circumstance...

Point blank period. In practice of it this entire week there's been a freedom associated with it that I wish I wouldve not just come, but truly felt these conclusions earlier in my life. I've been a bomb that's exploded numerous times taking on the weight and opinions of others and everytime it gets to be too much I have to explode to remind people I'm not the one to be pestered.
It's ok though, that's what I've realized above all. It's sad to no longer consider so many people my "friend" but there's always a quote regarding that those who are true friends don't just pass through your life like a revolving door..they stick around for a lifetime. When things get rough for you they don't disappear out of your life because they don't want to be "too invested". When they aren't aware of the full story behind something or they're curious about a rumor they heard, they don't just sit there and absorb one side of the story; they come to you, their source to ask WHY something may be so.
It's been saddening, but eye opening and I can only thank GOD as much as it may hurt for bringing me to the light of reality probably before I got really hurt by these same people. People I invited into my home, etc. And what's nice is, I'm already moving forward. That's been apart of my "opinion epiphany". That something or some people aren't who you thought they were so accept it, drop it and move on. That's what I've done with both people and situations in the last week.

That's the significance of a bomb. That's the significance of an explosion, because all that stood in the way has been obliterated and cleared out. As damaging and horrific as it may seem at first, the aftermath is clean and clear. There's nothing laying around in the way left for the bomb to blow up and clear away...and you can rebuild and start anew. And that's what I'm looking forward to...

The clean path in front of me where more of the wrong people are removed from my life and the situations, though some hurtful and grave are always lessons learned nowadays. And seeing all of this, I don't think there are any bombs left to go off, just thank yous. Thanks to all of you who have shown your true colors finally so that I can be a stronger person and finally realize that neither your opinions or existence is anymore of concern to me...

Thursday, September 2, 2010

You cannot doubt yourself. Doubt is a killer. You just have to know who you are and what you stand for.
Jennifer Lopez, September 2010 Glamour Magazine US

Friday, August 27, 2010


Abracadabra. The Aramaic phrase abraq ad habra means "I will create as I speak." It applies not only to what you say out loud, but also what you tell yourself.

-From SELF magazine, August 2010

Thursday, August 26, 2010

In Love & Fear

Why am I so scared of what you'll think of me? Is it because I've learned so much about you that I don't think I compare? Or maybe, that I don't think I'm lucky have you, that is. Maybe its a fear that when you realize how much better than me you are, you will leave me. I know I've hit jackpot, I just can't bare the thought of bankruptcy. You make me want to be better. Hell, after what I've endured I'm just coming into the belief that I'm good..and then here you come along making me want to be even better. I don't know what capabilities I possess. I can assess it in those around me but not in myself. Yet in some weird way, I do know my potential but I'm terrified to go there. Is there a such thing as a life phobia? Too many possibilities, too many expectations from others, success in levels you can't handle or failure beyond rock bottom. What is it with you? Or should I say what is it with me. I don't have the answers to anything, and I hate that you can see that. I don't know how you see all of that and still love me. It makes no sense. I'm trying to get it together, I swear to you I am but I don't know what the hell I'm doing. And actually, since everything else is just plain old..fucked up, I hold back from you in some ways because I'm too terrified to fuck us up. I have a failure phobia and it starts with you. And when you realize that there's someone better out there...I'll have to face that phobia, head on. And I dread that day.

I've always been the sustaining provider, the know-it-all, you name it in every relationship. I've always been the better one and now, for once, I'm not..and I have no idea how to handle it. All I know, is I don't want you to ever go.
So understand my stage fright around you, yes, even one year later. Be compassionate when I tiptoe around you. Be knowledgeable of how much I love you. And don't turn your heart against me if you find someone new. Know that I do all I do in love and fear of losing you.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Energy in Disguise

I haven't written in a while because as usual, there's been a lot going on. Sometimes so much so that I can't organize all my feelings to even put them down in words. I wrote a long, private entry entitled "Boyfriends are from Mars, & Best Friends are from Venus" detailing my feelings of now being in two back to back relationships in which my significant other and best friend don't get along. It helped me organize some deep feelings of frustration that I felt neither party understood from my middle stand point, especially now going through this all over again. However, from that situation I've been reading a book called Energy Addict 101 which has just been stellar. I'm not sure what prompted me to do so, but I've been carrying a pen with me EVERYWHERE and scribbling in the book itself. Just breaking down and analyzing my life, habits-both good and bad, and much more.

It's been a self application of therapy. It's truly been advancing my mind and beliefs on positivity. I've always seen positivity as something fake most of the time, as something that comes and goes and cannot be chosen. I guess I view it as a matter of luck..some people are lucky, and others are just not. In slowly understanding and deciphering the basis of positivity, and storages within oneself of how it can be transformed is like so interesting to me. The knowledge that positivity is an ENERGY, that we all possess & by scientific fact energy can't be destroyed it can only be transformed literally means that its just up to the person to transform the pre-existing energy.

The concept being so scientifically sound literally destroys my beliefs on positivity being an issue of luck or a creation of peoples fickle imaginations. I've felt a lot of people I know were creating positivity based on forcing light on something that was obviously bleak.

It's just awesome to realize that positivity is inside of all of us, its just up to us to transform it.

And that, I can do....

Monday, August 9, 2010

Speech vs. Feelings

Sometimes....your feelings are only worth expressing when u know they won't fall upon deaf ears for its compassion you seek not selfish ignorance..

I'm trying to find the possible ways to explain to you how hurt I am by your words and actions but I fear more importantly, your lack of compassion..if that so be the case dare I not speak..

Monday, July 26, 2010

Peace..and Old, Familiar Feeling...

Today for the first time in over one year I went back to church. I awoke this morning aware that I hate a late shift at my retail job & for the first time in a really long I felt a calling...a pulling that I need to go to church this morning. For the two hours of mass and for the first time in probably a year I was able to hear my own heartbeat calmly. I feel anxiety all day, every day & for two precious hours I had not a drop of anxiety. It actually hit me like a shock I had no idea..I actually forgot what its like to not be anxious. It was euphoric. fears, no worries, my heart not running like a jack rabbit, normal breathing that I actually don't have to coach myself through like I do..all day, every day..

Maybe its a sign..when I left, an hour or so later when it became clear I'd be missing my fathers' 50th birthday party due to work and the frustration fueled the anxiety and I guess it all returned. For the rest of the day today I've had knots in my I do..all day, every day. I've been coaching myself through I do all day, every day. The persistent thoughts, the worry over things I can't control & just sitting and dwelling in them. It was so beautiful to not feel that way and I forgot what peace..real peace, feels like. Now that its over and I'm back to the plaguing feelings and terrible anxiety and I long desperately for the feeling of peace again.

How did I get this the point of having panic attacks and suffering from constant anxiety? I feel so uncomfortable literally all the time. Like the feeling of NOT being stressed out is foreign to me and I hate that. If there's anything that I truly hate is the feeling that peace is a feeling that's foreign to me and my body. It makes me feel so saddened and more depressed inside. Never mind the fact that the All-Star & I have a complicated love, all I do is dwell on how hard I've been trying to get a new job but actually in the field of a career and how desperately I want financial change to create stability and a life for myself and absolutely nothing is happening. I'm watching good fortune come to everyone else around me in running their lives and that's all I can do..sit and watch as if it were a movie. While I watch my own life..a failure and mockery. No wonder the All-Star won't take it to the level we both want it to be..because I have nothing to contribute. Nothing besides looks. I'm so fed up of not having my own of anything or being able to provide for myself. People always say, "if you can't take care of yourself, how can you expect to take care of anyone else?". I can't plan for kids, or a home, or a marriage because I have nothing to support any of those things...

When I was in church, a familiar passage was read: "Let not your heart be troubled, for I have gone to prepare a place for my Father's house, there are many rooms..".
I dwell on it because, if I believe what I do believe and that there is a better, happier place prepared for me as per written in the bible, then why exactly would I want to continue suffering on Earth? There are many rooms, but there's one prepared for ME and that's what matters. Ironically, why in the hell would I want to stay here? Dealing with this constant anxiety.....and I know that there's better for me when I leave this life..
I'm not sure why that isn't the mind frame of ALL people on Earth, but hey, I guess I'm cool with "getting it".

I just want peace.......and I long for the peace I experienced earlier today..
A feeling that was familiar to me once upon a time...and if that feeling could somehow be permanent, as it's promised via the bible then that's all we as people should all want...

I just want

Friday, July 23, 2010

Creating a Future

I'm not sure how exactly to write all the things I'm feeling without sounding a bit...callous. Then again, if this is the only forum in which I can't be judged and I can write what my heart may feel then so be it. Thus the point of me writing anyway...

I'm entering what I dont want to say feels like, but more so is, a different phase of life. Lately, I've felt very alone in that walk of life but I guess enter the harsh phrase "born alone, die alone", here.

I don't have a career.

I'm trying to find where I belong, and I'm coming into the realization that I don't have as much time as I think I do. I'm 24. I don't have a career, nor car, still live with my parents...where will I be in 5 years? I'm actually serious about pulling it altogether. Not hoping and waiting to see if it'll come together on its own but make it come together. My party days aren't over...or who knows, maybe they are.
I want more. I need more.

The all nighters at the bars, and rounds of shots isn't appealing to me anymore. Dating the All-Star makes me realize just how much more badly I want to get married. Even before that, there's places I want to go and see......I've been trying to find company to go with me to Miami..the Dominican Republic...Las Vegas, you name it. All these places and do some things that most people my age have already done. When I have a child, I'm not going to be able to pack up and GO anywhere. I'm realizing that as much as it may not be the greatest of fun to do things solo, I can't keep making plans with people and then wait around for them to make things happen. What will happen is, I'll be stuck here waiting and never get there. So I was originally shooting for Miami for the end of August, and because I want to go, I'm sticking to it. I'm not sure if its going to work out financially but I'm still going to try my hardest and if not, before the years end I'm going to go to Miami for a weekend.

I've been doing small talk with a Life Coach named Anna. I'm trying to find an editorial job, or career rather. See where I can get in, start to make waves and if it'll be possible to make a decent enough salary to support not just myself but any children I might have in the next 5 years. I've slowly been spending more time with the All-Star's child to see if I can actual handle it. Just little steps to see if all that I'm starting to want: the marriage, the kids, the stability is really all something I can handle. I've stopped consuming alcohol, upped my fruit intake and after years of loathing, actually now love drinking water. These simplified changes and not going out and mindlessly partying in the last month and I've lost 6 pounds...with barely any exercise.

Just seeing results in the small changes is really pushing me to make bigger ones.....and I'm realizing I may lose some things and friends along the way but I have to start creating the life I've been dreaming of and stop waiting and praying and hoping it'll just happen. I've been doing that for so long, and if something was going to happen it would've happened already.

It must be time for me to take matters into my own hands...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


"I'm trippin off the power.."-Kanye West

I was tripping in my case over the lack thereof.. Its hard to define "power". Power can be physical as well as mental because it possesses its own energy or the ability to fill someone with energy. Not just fill, in a negative respect it can strip someone of their energy as well. Look at how a loss of power can bring someone down to their knees in depression. Power, oddly enough is a powerful ass thing. Its controlling and freeing simultaneously and that's what invokes curiosity and fear.

I haven't written in this blog for a month...I had to disappear for awhile. The lack of power had consumed me and brought me to my knees with despair and when I truly thought I couldn't get any lower, low and behold, it did. I thought when I had left off from here that I had come across this great thing in redirecting my focus in creating my world. That okay, now that I'm knowledgeable as to what apart of my problem is and I have a focused method to attack it I must be moving in the right direction. As soon as I started to move, inspired, I got so knocked over that I couldn't write.

To be real, there was nothing to write about because all I wanted more than anything for the last month was to die. I had wished that I would've drank something I wasn't supposed to..gotten hit by a car...something to end this as opposed to me ending it my own hand. So all the stress of everything literally started to reflect itself in my health and my physical thyroid issues started to escalate by what felt like a million.....
And it seemed like not only was no one listening to what I was saying, whenever I did have something to say..but that also no one could understand where I was coming from. So I was just finished...straight up started writing a will finished...but randomly, one of the last people I was expecting to contact me, did. Though I was only able to sum up just a portion of how I was feeling this is what I managed to say:

"...I've projected half of it...that part I've projected onto myself, health wise..a bit onto my new bf but we have the deepest conversations ever so we're 300% understood & a little bit unto my best friend..seeing that I've been doing all these things I've started to retract from the public, her included & started fully projected it unto my thyroid is back into the stages of when I was at SUCO & first diagnosed & was just sleeping 1800hrs a night & still feel lethargic all day, ravenous appetite that's never satisfied, no sex drive feels so debilitating to say you have all these physical problems at age 24 & what I listed is the tip of the iceberg in terms of what I'm feeling. There are days my thyroid is so fucked up that I literally wake up in bed, my brain is fully awake..eyes open but I'm literally physically paralyzed. I beg & will my body just to pick the head up off the pillow or even to roll from my back unto my side..& I'm literally paralyzed from the eyes down. When I'm like that, I can't lips don't move, I can't command my own voice even though in my brain I'm screaming..idk its been a lot of terrible physical demand that I truly feel a lot of people don't understand & sometimes people make mean comments to me stating I'm just lazy & not hearing me out. So..I stopped speaking about it altogether..let niggas think what they want & stay alone.. and then like I was telling u..financially my situation hasn't altered in nearly a year so it was like 1 year of getting everything l needed..a job with a great salary, vacations, getting a car, taking care of all the basic necessities & just when I was really getting ready to play catch up & start looking for an apartment & REALLY have life on lock I lost everything in sequence. Matt, job, money, car..and everything has been in shambles since..which the stress of that has only worsened my health to mix with no job= no health insurance=no synthetic thyroid its been a trying year & I'm just fed up and beyond exhausted in every humanly way possible..."

And that's what it's been over the last month...the imbalance of power, or me having none whatsoever has finally taken its full toll. I mean, with no power, what are you worth can't be anything with nothing supporting what you are.
I mean..."I guess every superhero needs his theme music".......

Thursday, June 10, 2010

A Part Of Your World.

I think I've finally had the epiphany I've been searching for..
For years almost...

And I'm going to try and make this make as much sense as humanly possible...
Everyone has their own world.
Their own private place between mind and earth that constitutes as their own world. Nothing can interfere with it, and based on our distinct personalities nothing can deviate us from this "world" we create for ourselves once its established. We can enter it, at will, with or without prompt.
And I'm starting to feel that in a small part, people lose part of their mentally stability when they lose a sense of their world.

For example, you always hear stories about women who have been divorced who half of them say, after their husbands left them..they just weren't able to go on. To me, this is because when you love someone, you incorporate them as part of your world. Sometimes, we love people so much that they become your whole world and when things unfortunately in some cases fall apart, there it all goes..your world, has now collapsed. You've 100% lost all sense of YOURSELF. The unique, dynamic individual that is yourself, and what you like, your hobbies, your talents, etc.
Marriage has caused one of the parties to conform FULLY to the others world, and that's not a healthy marriage. Marriage is two whole individuals that come together to further bring out the good in one another, not the horrible misconception that one party is incomplete and needs the OTHER person in order to be whole. God has already made each and every last one of us, whole.

Then, there's a healthy world. A world composed of your own hobbies, desires, talents. These things are simply, your own. Not one human on this earth can take it away from you. Christina Aguilera has always described her "world" as singing..whenever her father would beat her or her mother, she would retreat to her room and sing and it transports her mind to another place. This talent, is part of her world..the only way to remove this is if someone were to hold her down and remove her vocal cords.

What I am realizing, after many a tear shed, is that my mental instability is caused by an absence of a world. I'm actually a very talented artist, and whenever I had a moment's worth of free time on my hands, I would have a pencil in hand. My focus in high school was art. My mother has pictures that I've drawn since age 3, and kept them because she saw something in them that might suggest the talent. I started song writing at age 12. If I wasn't drawing, I was song writing. In the midst of my last relationship, my last job, my arrest..I think over the last 4 years, I've lost sense of my world. I think I've been so consumed in one person as well as several negative events that I've truly lost sense of my world.

I drew for the first time in years...last week.

I can't tell the last time I've written a song. You know what else dawned on me? I like to cook...a lot. I hate being commanded to do it, but my own will, I have a blast cooking. I can't hula hoop. I want to be able to hula hoop as well as any 7 year old girl. When's the last time I've rode a bike? Or sat on a swing? Dancing is something else I've always been really good at, since childhood..why aren't I in a dance school? I want to take pole dancing lessons more than anything..and I want to get super excellent at it. I used to enjoy working out, and did Taebo twice a, I loathe the idea. For a long time, I only listened to neo-soul and alternative rock..only. I can't remember the last time I listened to either. Drawing soothes me, it keeps my mind off of emotional eating and thinking about things outside of my control..which also is the same effect when I'm cooking. I love Japanese. Everything about the culture and the language. And I love writing in this blog.

My whole world now, is worry. I stay home, inside my own head, and cry endlessly. Panic over all the things I can and cannot control. The only thing I've been consistent with in the last 3 years, has been this very blog.
I've been a part of everyone's world except my own.
This idea that to fix all my own problems, get past my own things, to get someone like me, all these things in order to adapt I had to become part of your world.

And I've been doing this unconsciously for years...
So I've spent so much time conforming to what is going on situation wise as well as to who I was dating that I've lost 308% of who I am..what I like...what I want.

So that's just it..when I'm alone, no one or nothing to conform stereotypes, or ideals to live up to or fulfill there's nothing.
I'm empty.

I let everything drain out over the years.
And there's nothing left...just traces of things that used to exist that consisted of the definition of me.
So I now see where the true problem lies......

I have to build my own world, my own sanctuary that consists solely of me. I have to rebuild upon what I've lost, and add onto what exists so that a world in full is established.
So no matter who may come or go in my life, or what situation befall me..I will always be a part of my own world.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


My anger levels are becoming unstable again.
I'm getting upset, but more importantly reacting loudly again to things I disagree with in the form of lashing out against people I love.

I'm quick to say, "why don't you love me, when I make me so damn easy to love"{-Beyonce} however, when you're the most opinionated person on planet Earth..yeah, you're not so easy to love anymore.

I'm in a hard position.

The All-Star has the newest presence in my life, and hasn't seen all aspects of me, nor I've seen all aspects of him. Things that are knowledgeable to others, my best friend we'll say, aren't knowledgeable to him as yet.
I feel like I'm taking a step backwards, as opposed to the forward motion I always want to take with him because I love him more than anything. The things I used to fight with her about, regularly at one point in opinionated nature, my high levels of sensitivity, inability to move quickly forward from a disagreement..I'm now going through the wringer with him about.

Don't get me wrong, we've been beyond blissful, and it sometimes makes me wonder if I'm finally experiencing a love so wonderful because I've been hurt so much in the past..however, when we DO disagree, though seldom, it's huge. And, it happens to be everything that I've ever argued with my best friend about regarding my personality.
Though I've gotten substantially better, and people openly admitted they were tiring of me "going boom, like an 808"{-Blaque} I have hope. As saddened as I am in this moment that him and I aren't speaking..I know that its only 1 day. This isn't the end of us in the least.

Though I argued once upon a time with my best friend about all these subject matters, her and I have the strongest bond that two best friends can have. She knows me inside & out, backwards and forwards. Any reaction, statement, almost anything that comes out of me she KNOWS where it stems from or why it could've been phrased in a particular manner. She knows more than half the things that will come out of my mouth before I even say them, especially in the midst of a disagreement. The fact that her and I, our past disagreements..and some of them, earth-shattering, has gotten us to the point that absolutely nothing can break us gives me the biggest blinding light of hope for him and I.

For if they both only knew, how exactly alike they are..
To him, these are new arguments, to me..these are past memories I'd rather not rehash.

But the same indestructible bond she and I have, him and I will have...with time of course.
And it'll help if I can keep my explosions under a bit better degree of control..

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Fear of Success

I'm spending a little time researching the "Fear of Success". So far it doesn't have a "phobia" title, such as "claustrophobia" or "arachnophobia" but it's actually very, very real. It's stems in part from a fear of the future, what one may lose by progressing forward in life and issues with self-forgiveness where the person reminds themselves of their failures constantly.

"The fear of success is a very unique issue that arises when you are genuinely creating change and moving forward in your life," says Ti Caine, a hypnotherapist and life coach..

To create and sustain success it is essential to find and release your fears of success. The more you leave the task undone, the more your fears will control you. "it's the monster in the closet," says Caine. "And it gets bigger."

Fears of success tend to cluster around several issues. One of the core fears that arise from change is that success will lead to loneliness. Women especially fear success because they are afraid that being powerful enough to create the life they want will render them unlovable. Sometimes people fear success will mean being attacked by enemies, or besieged by others wanting money or other things from them.

Many women fear success at losing weight because becoming more attractive to others could jeopardize the love and the life they have or create situations they do not know how to handle.

Some fears of success are easy to release because they will probably never happen, such as fears of losing it all and becoming a bag lady. But some are real. When you change, the relationships around you will be forced to change. Some friends will always cheer you on. But others are steeped in jealousy and will denigrate you for moving forward.

But in everything I'm reading, there's a lot about self-sabotage and then the cycle of anger with yourself for that sabotage.
There are three essential parts to self-forgiveness. We must:

1. acknowledge the commission of an objective wrong and accept responsibility for that wrong,
2. experience feelings of guilt and regret, and finally
3. overcome these feelings (i.e., self-forgiveness), and, in doing so, experience a motivational change away from self-punishment toward self-acceptance.

I'm realizing that I don't get to step 3...
And because of that "I'm trying to do better, but only do good enough"-Drake

Hi Ho, Hi Ho

off to work I didn't go.


So just like my last entry regarding the Discipline Principle, I'm realizing how severely I lack it. I have a completion issue. I truly do and what many people don't realize is that there's a strength in looking inside yourself and admitted that something is incorrect. The follow up to that though must be to correct it.

So, like I was saying I most definitely have a completion issue. What I think is the shocking and worst part of it is, is that I fear being successful as badly as I may want to be. I think I'm afraid of having everything I've ever dreamed of...and losing it all. By never completing anything I've been passionate about it has no chance of growing into some asset that can be taken from me. I mean, I'm half living with the man of my dreams and sometimes I ponder a breakup because I'm petrified to lose him the deeper our love gets.
I've sabotaged job interviews for myself. I've stopped all efforts behind & Two amazing ideas that could've (& maybe still could be) been highly profitable and I froze them. Yes, in part due to work and time restraints, but you'd think such an amazing idea I would jump at the chance to keep pressing forward with them.

Like...I don't know what my problem is..
Well, I mean I know what the fuck my problem is but you get the drift..

How did I even come to be this way? I'm stressed out by my lack OF success, so why am I doing things to keep myself paralyzed from gaining success? Is it a form of an OCD disorder? Is it something that I personally can fix or do I need assistance of some sort..
I'm very curious as to how I've become this way, but despite my curiosity, I don't really have time to dig as to why I may only have time to figure out the escape route.
So to sum it up: I'm unemployed, real estate license-less, gained a little more weight and haven't done my physical 7-day detox kit- all the above planned last week.

I need to regroup and actually get to life work, and finish the job....

Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Discipline Principle

Ok, in this all around detox I've been doing: mentally, physically and spiritually I'm going to start to ease my way into the physical portion. Talking to the All-Star and my friend Tristan, it's become more than apparent that I lack discipline. Like, severely lack discipline. So, what happens is that I cannot stay with a structure or be consistent about anything because I refuse to be disciplined about anything.
But I'm presenting myself with the ultimatum of "go hard, or stay fat".

Which is in part an explanation as I loathe authority and hierarchy structures. I've done not too well in strict corporate structures we'll say, especially if you read this blog during early 2009, that's evident.

I had a really good conversation with the All-Star in the car with him on his way to work, where we discussed our similarities but he vividly pointed out that there is a severe overuse of the term "can't" in my vocabulary. I was explaining to him that I've always been that superstar academic student where there's theory on what people can and can't do based on statistics and probabilities. It's interesting that he was always the exact opposite, and he's done everything in his life going completely against probability and theory so therefore in his mind there is truly nothing he cannot conquer. He feels this way especially if he watches someone do it a matter of one time. Me personally analyzing him, this comes from in part that he's been trained in martial arts since being a kid...I always wind up with a man that's some form of athlete and athletes practically have "discipline" as their middle names. Maybe it's my turn to do the same.

I used to do Tae-Bo twice a day in high school and early college...

I mean, men and women alike were obsessed with my body and that's when my body looked more like this:

My measurements at that time were about 38-26-40...
Between my hypothyroidism, lots of McDonalds and enough alcohol to satisfy all of Ireland my measurements now are exactly: 38.5-33-43

So I think most of us can do the math and say the majority of the weight gained has been in my waistline. Not cool....7 whole inches.
I'm a little bit anxious and nervous about this physical portion. I think I'm used to mental strife and pain, but physical pain is something I usually never have to endure..I have approximately 9 days before I begin making a successful real estate career for myself. June 1st will be my start date. Today, May 22nd, I'm going to begin a 7-day detox kit from GNC while cleaning up my bedroom with Tristan.
You can't get anything done in clutter....
So let's start by removing the clutter surrounding me and inside me at the same time.
2 birds, 1 detox.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

A Spoonful of Honey

I was told by a friend of mine, Tristan, that
"You can get more with a spoonful of honey, than you will with a spoonful of vinegar"
. That quote has always stuck with me. I may not practice it, but since I heard it from him a whole 3 months ago, it's stuck with me.

I got into an altercation with the All-Star on the account of my overuse of vinegar. It's something he cautions me about, and has mentioned that I've used vinegar towards him and poured them over open wounds, if you will. I love him more than anything, I would never intentionally do anything to even remotely make him sneeze if I knew that were uncomfortable for him, let alone purposely hurt his feelings.

I've been spoken to...well too many a time by multiple people about my "vinegar" use. I really try to convey a point and in my mind, the thought isn't being absorbed by that person so I have a horrible tendency to hurt them in efforts to get my thought to sink in. I called Tristan because hey, he's the person I heard the quote from in the first place and he put a lot of things in perspective for me.
I really need to slow down and process EXACTLY what I'm trying to say. I've been doing an excellent job as of late specifically, and I'm proud of myself..however, what I need to work on now is that when I'm speaking even MORE so to people that I love i.e.: my best friend Linette, All-Star, etc. I'm not in combat.

They love me, and I love them.

Even if I feel that they aren't understanding my point, and though I do get frustrated RATHER quickly with repeating myself I have to slow down and think of an alternative way to phrase what I'm trying to say to them. If I can practice that more and more with the people I love, it'll make it easier for me to handle those who are strangers.....especially, those who will be my future co-workers.

The All-Star repeatedly said to me last night, "I'll do anything, I'll give you anything because it's's not what you ask me for, it's how you ask me for it"
You'd think I'd have this concept of how to say something "not so nice" down from a long time ago.
I mean, Mary Poppins only raised us all on "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.."

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

How to Walk in Faith-MLK

Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."
- Martin Luther King Jr.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Hypothyroidism: The Basics

"The thyroid is a small butterfly shaped organ and is one of the main glands involved in the endocrine system. It is found in the front of the neck and is responsible for a variety of vital body functions. It produces hormones that regulate and affect just about every function in the body and is most crucial for body metabolism. The thyroid converts the food we eat into energy. Thyroid hormones impact body weight, energy levels, muscle strength, skin condition ,heart rate, menstrual cycles, cholesterol levels, memory, emotions, mood and much more. When the thyroid doesn't produce enough of these crucial hormones, then hypothyroidism occurs and results in a variety of psychological and physiological symptoms.

The most common symptoms of hypothyroidism include fatigue, which is unbearable and no amount of sleep can eliminate it, depression and weight gain, however, some of the other most common symptoms that occur include: anxiety, constipation, forgetfulness/short-term memory loss, irritability, and myalgias or arthralgias, but other frequent symptoms may include listlessness, intolerance to cold, heart palpitations, cold hands and feet, accentuation of allergies, menstrual irregularities, vascular headaches, premature gray hair, slow pulse and reflexes, flaky dry rough skin, puffiness of face and eyes, unsuccessful dieting, coarse lifeless hair that falls out easily, nervousness, premenstrual syndrome, loss of sexual desire, high cholesterol, muscle and joint pain, and weakness."

I can tell anyone outright exactly which of these I suffer from:
Severe irritability
Loss of sexual desire
Fatigue times 1 million
Face puffiness
Hair loss
Ice cold hands & feet/ Constant intolerance to cold
severe anxiety
uncontrollable appetite
forgetfulness and
depression/horrible mood swings

I've been doing a lot of prayer as I learn more and more about my thyroid condition. I hope to as I learn, further educate those very close to me so that they too can understand what I feel physically and mentally due to hypothyroidism. I used to get very, very angry because I don't feel in control of what I feel. I realized that the majority of the time when I would experience symptoms of depression and horrible mood swings, there was NOTHING actually wrong to spark the feelings. The fact that I couldn't control the feelings used to make me feel helpless and SUPER angry...but now, with education and faith in Jesus, I may not be able to control it..but He can. This has been effective in reducing my stress and anger levels significantly and I feel so much better.

Physically and mentally, it's a working progress...but all that really matters, is that it's working...

Friday, May 14, 2010


I'm in love.

No questions asked, I'm in love.

And the difference here is that, this time's realistic.

He's in love with me too.

The same exact feelings of an honest honest, that sometimes it scares me.
And sometimes, it scares him too.

Something so real and raw, that I truly cannot put it on paper, or on a computer screen...the only two people who can see it is him and I.
And when I'm with him, the world shuts down.

It's something pure...and beautiful..that there's no need for words a lot of the time.

It's in the eyes.
It's in his kisses to my forehead.
It's in the silence.
It's in the noise of our conversation.
It's in hand holds, lip-locks, pushes and hugs.

It's in the air of lost words I'm trying to grab at to explain to you the beauty of what I feel for him and what he feels for me.
But that's just it, it's lost words. There are no words for what we have. I just wish everyone could see it and at the same time, I'm glad that no one can...because it's just ours.

It belongs to him. It belongs to me and with no outside interference, it's sacred.
"And if you ask me..I'm ready"

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Eyes of the Beholder

This baby is only 6 months old. She wears the tiniest glasses ever and came in to my current place of employment a week ago.

My eye doctor was explaining to me that she doesn't swat the glasses off of her face because at 6 months, she can tell the difference in clarity of what she's seeing with and without the glasses.

To many people, 24 years old is really young..and I personally have always had a thing about age where I feel like 24 is actually quite old. I feel as if there's a list of things I should've already done, accomplished, planned for, conquered by this age and it bothers me when I look at it all and see that I haven't. My mind is always ticking, however, being 24 for only 4 weeks now it seemed as if the minute April 14th hit the adult thoughts just started to kick into an extreme overdrive. I really, really want my own apartment again. I really want steady, mass amounts of money so that I can be just beyond comfortable sustaining myself in my OWN of everything and still be able to save money for a rainy day.
Being as my last day at my retail job is...tomorrow, and I wont be having such a guaranteed money flow I'm analyzing the frivolous things I spend money on. I never thought I'd catch myself saying this but as much as I LOVE my friends, alcohol is not a necessity. It's a leisure..and if you have good money to support such a luxury then by all means, drink till you're under the table. I'm not financially stable enough to support such a luxury and I shouldn't be going out partying as if I do. I could be using that money to pay my phone bill, or my debt to my college or just put it down for a rainy day. Even furthermore, not that I should be drinking anyway, I have a thyroid disorder. I'm trying to get my physical self together in terms of dealing with it while I'm young because though this is apart of my life, for the rest of my life I don't want when I'm older its debilitating. Once we're older, we cannot go back and fix that damage.

I'm realizing that my views on everything are steadily changing....more and more, each day...
If I'm grateful to the Lord for my body, for life, then why am I destroying it? Why am I spending money I don't have in order TO destroy it? These are some of the thoughts that are starting to roll in constant circulation in my mind these days. I haven't had a car in approximately 6 months and it's been far from easy living on Long Island with no car. I should be investing my energy into that. I don't have an established career. I'm ashamed of that fact. I need to be living in my own place again so my parents can actually have, theirs. As I'm redirecting my views, I'm redirecting my focus.

But vision is all solely based on the eye of the beholder.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Drake: Find Your Love

First things first, I'm really pleased to see that a mainstream artist besides a Jamaican dance hall artist is shooting a video in Jamaica. Even though the video pushes the stereotype that us as Jamaican people are notorious for gun-slinging and weed smoking, one step at a time I guess...
There's SO much, much more to Jamaica than that. Even the towns, and the look of Jamaica....but, one step at a time.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Watch Your Character

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; for it becomes your destiny. ~ Upanishads

Today, is one of those days where I'm truly feeling at peace. Like, it's when your faith falters is when you lose sight of all the things you do have and that’s what I’m slowly starting to realize. People have always said that to me, “Be grateful” and I hate to say that as old as I am, I never fully realized the concept of it. I always thought I was a “grateful” person..really, I did. Lately, while I’ve been on this detox I’ve been slowing down and just looking at things.

In the beginning, I noticed that I wasn’t being grateful. I was very annoyed at everything, I mean absolutely everything. If I was damn near ordering McDonalds the questions in my mind would be things such as “Is it really that hard to hear the words ‘sweet & sour sauce’ versus ‘barbecue’? “ I realized that I’d get so annoyed. I was annoyed to a point as if someone took something from me, or did something that would drastically ruin my day. As opposed to saying to myself, “I know what it’s like to not have a job for nearly 9 months and being able to afford McDonalds was like buying gold.” Despite the fact that I heavily dislike my retail job, and just quit, I started to get comfortable again with just because I was having some form of flowing, guaranteed money that I deserved things to come to me within a certain time and space.

But I guess, lately, I’ve been “watching my character”. I had lost a lot of faith in God and Jesus and the sort, and now, I’ve been slowly feeling more connected than I ever have been before. I’m interrupting myself to say a word of thanks, gratitude or praise. It’s been lending such comfort, and I never saw how much it could. When you really start to tally up the things you do have, and acknowledge that things would be 700 times worse if you didn’t have these spins the perspective so heavily. It’s the money to buy Starbucks, when children can’t even afford clean water. What did I do to deserve being so lucky? So fortunate? Tomorrow, I’m donating around $400 in clothes and shoes, to start, to the OCRF: Ovarian Cancer Research Fund. I feel like, I’ve been so blessed as to not come down with such a fatal illness that my mother’s aunt passed away of recently that I need to give something that would bring a smile to the women who do have it. I want them to have nice things, and feel beautiful and I’ve been so fortunate to have so much money to spend on clothing that I do need to share some of what I have.

I need to spread love.

Watching my character is becoming more and more apart of my day-to-day life. I'm trying so much harder to think before I speak, and think before I react.

The more you practice something, the easier it DOES become. Practicing gratitude I'm truly realizing is the best habit one can have.

Elevating From Poverty

"Many people who order their lives rightly in all other ways are kept in poverty by their lack of gratitude" ~Wallace Wattles 1860-1911

Friday, May 7, 2010

Walking Together

Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.~Drake

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Book Covers

"The people we are in relationship with
are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs,
and simultaneously we are mirrors, reflecting their beliefs.
So... relationship is one of the most powerful tools for growth....
If we look honestly at our relationships,
we can see so much about how we have created them."~ Shakti Gawain ~

I'm aware that us as humans, especially those who are not "spiritually awakened" have a harsh tendency to judge one another. Yes, it is indeed human nature and we judge one another strictly out of fear.

Doesn't the phrase kind of go, "Don't judge a book by its' cover"?
....correct me if I'm wrong....

We close off our minds, categorize and distort what we don't know all because of one main cause, fear. A lot of people automatically hear that and figure, "there's nothing that I'm afraid of so what the fuck is she talking about?" But that's just it, it's unconscious fear of things that are different, new or confusing to us.

The key is to realize that yes, there can be clear and present danger...if a person is approaching you dead on with a knife in their hand, I wouldn't suggest that one post up and test what will happen. On the flip side of it, if you believe that Jesus is your savior (as I do), then you may feel fear in your heart but not move as it is is quoted, "He orders your footsteps". I just wish that we as a people, were more accepting.
I'm crossing situations between work and home where some of the judgments that I'm hearing passed from one person to another are just not even RELEVANT. It's truly, truly getting under my skin.

If you don't truly know someone, or have met them a total of two times...don't judge. Even if you see someone on the street, don't size them up. We all don't know the truth behind each others' situations, or how we've come to be what we are now. Only one does, and that's God.
Of course, these practices are more easily said, than done.......but if judgment is so based on fear..

What's the point in practicing the art of being a scaredy-cat?