I was tripping in my case over the lack thereof.. Its hard to define "power". Power can be physical as well as mental because it possesses its own energy or the ability to fill someone with energy. Not just fill, in a negative respect it can strip someone of their energy as well. Look at how a loss of power can bring someone down to their knees in depression. Power, oddly enough is a powerful ass thing. Its controlling and freeing simultaneously and that's what invokes curiosity and fear.
I haven't written in this blog for a month...I had to disappear for awhile. The lack of power had consumed me and brought me to my knees with despair and when I truly thought I couldn't get any lower, low and behold, it did. I thought when I had left off from here that I had come across this great thing in redirecting my focus in creating my world. That okay, now that I'm knowledgeable as to what apart of my problem is and I have a focused method to attack it I must be moving in the right direction. As soon as I started to move, inspired, I got so knocked over that I couldn't write.
To be real, there was nothing to write about because all I wanted more than anything for the last month was to die. I had wished that I would've drank something I wasn't supposed to..gotten hit by a car...something to end this as opposed to me ending it myself..by my own hand. So all the stress of everything literally started to reflect itself in my health and my physical thyroid issues started to escalate by what felt like a million.....
And it seemed like not only was no one listening to what I was saying, whenever I did have something to say..but that also no one could understand where I was coming from. So I was just finished...straight up started writing a will finished...but randomly, one of the last people I was expecting to contact me, did. Though I was only able to sum up just a portion of how I was feeling this is what I managed to say:
"...I've projected half of it...that part I've projected onto myself, health wise..a bit onto my new bf but we have the deepest conversations ever so we're 300% understood & a little bit unto my best friend..seeing that I've been doing all these things I've started to retract from the public, her included & started fully projected it unto my health..my thyroid is back into the stages of when I was at SUCO & first diagnosed & was just sleeping 1800hrs a night & still feel lethargic all day, ravenous appetite that's never satisfied, no sex drive etc......it feels so debilitating to say you have all these physical problems at age 24 & what I listed is the tip of the iceberg in terms of what I'm feeling. There are days my thyroid is so fucked up that I literally wake up in bed, my brain is fully awake..eyes open but I'm literally physically paralyzed. I beg & will my body just to pick the head up off the pillow or even to roll from my back unto my side..& I'm literally paralyzed from the eyes down. When I'm like that, I can't speak..my lips don't move, I can't command my own voice even though in my brain I'm screaming..idk its been a lot of terrible physical demand that I truly feel a lot of people don't understand & sometimes people make mean comments to me stating I'm just lazy & not hearing me out. So..I stopped speaking about it altogether..let niggas think what they want & stay alone.. and then like I was telling u..financially my situation hasn't altered in nearly a year so it was like 1 year of getting everything l needed..a job with a great salary, vacations, getting a car, taking care of all the basic necessities & just when I was really getting ready to play catch up & start looking for an apartment & REALLY have life on lock I lost everything in sequence. Matt, job, money, car..and everything has been in shambles since..which the stress of that has only worsened my health to mix with no job= no health insurance=no synthetic thyroid medication..so its been a trying year & I'm just fed up and beyond exhausted in every humanly way possible..."
And that's what it's been over the last month...the imbalance of power, or me having none whatsoever has finally taken its full toll. I mean, with no power, what are you worth really..you can't be anything with nothing supporting what you are.
I mean..."I guess every superhero needs his theme music".......