Monday, July 26, 2010

Peace..and Old, Familiar Feeling...

Today for the first time in over one year I went back to church. I awoke this morning aware that I hate a late shift at my retail job & for the first time in a really long I felt a calling...a pulling that I need to go to church this morning. For the two hours of mass and for the first time in probably a year I was able to hear my own heartbeat calmly. I feel anxiety all day, every day & for two precious hours I had not a drop of anxiety. It actually hit me like a shock I had no idea..I actually forgot what its like to not be anxious. It was euphoric. fears, no worries, my heart not running like a jack rabbit, normal breathing that I actually don't have to coach myself through like I do..all day, every day..

Maybe its a sign..when I left, an hour or so later when it became clear I'd be missing my fathers' 50th birthday party due to work and the frustration fueled the anxiety and I guess it all returned. For the rest of the day today I've had knots in my I do..all day, every day. I've been coaching myself through I do all day, every day. The persistent thoughts, the worry over things I can't control & just sitting and dwelling in them. It was so beautiful to not feel that way and I forgot what peace..real peace, feels like. Now that its over and I'm back to the plaguing feelings and terrible anxiety and I long desperately for the feeling of peace again.

How did I get this the point of having panic attacks and suffering from constant anxiety? I feel so uncomfortable literally all the time. Like the feeling of NOT being stressed out is foreign to me and I hate that. If there's anything that I truly hate is the feeling that peace is a feeling that's foreign to me and my body. It makes me feel so saddened and more depressed inside. Never mind the fact that the All-Star & I have a complicated love, all I do is dwell on how hard I've been trying to get a new job but actually in the field of a career and how desperately I want financial change to create stability and a life for myself and absolutely nothing is happening. I'm watching good fortune come to everyone else around me in running their lives and that's all I can do..sit and watch as if it were a movie. While I watch my own life..a failure and mockery. No wonder the All-Star won't take it to the level we both want it to be..because I have nothing to contribute. Nothing besides looks. I'm so fed up of not having my own of anything or being able to provide for myself. People always say, "if you can't take care of yourself, how can you expect to take care of anyone else?". I can't plan for kids, or a home, or a marriage because I have nothing to support any of those things...

When I was in church, a familiar passage was read: "Let not your heart be troubled, for I have gone to prepare a place for my Father's house, there are many rooms..".
I dwell on it because, if I believe what I do believe and that there is a better, happier place prepared for me as per written in the bible, then why exactly would I want to continue suffering on Earth? There are many rooms, but there's one prepared for ME and that's what matters. Ironically, why in the hell would I want to stay here? Dealing with this constant anxiety.....and I know that there's better for me when I leave this life..
I'm not sure why that isn't the mind frame of ALL people on Earth, but hey, I guess I'm cool with "getting it".

I just want peace.......and I long for the peace I experienced earlier today..
A feeling that was familiar to me once upon a time...and if that feeling could somehow be permanent, as it's promised via the bible then that's all we as people should all want...

I just want

Friday, July 23, 2010

Creating a Future

I'm not sure how exactly to write all the things I'm feeling without sounding a bit...callous. Then again, if this is the only forum in which I can't be judged and I can write what my heart may feel then so be it. Thus the point of me writing anyway...

I'm entering what I dont want to say feels like, but more so is, a different phase of life. Lately, I've felt very alone in that walk of life but I guess enter the harsh phrase "born alone, die alone", here.

I don't have a career.

I'm trying to find where I belong, and I'm coming into the realization that I don't have as much time as I think I do. I'm 24. I don't have a career, nor car, still live with my parents...where will I be in 5 years? I'm actually serious about pulling it altogether. Not hoping and waiting to see if it'll come together on its own but make it come together. My party days aren't over...or who knows, maybe they are.
I want more. I need more.

The all nighters at the bars, and rounds of shots isn't appealing to me anymore. Dating the All-Star makes me realize just how much more badly I want to get married. Even before that, there's places I want to go and see......I've been trying to find company to go with me to Miami..the Dominican Republic...Las Vegas, you name it. All these places and do some things that most people my age have already done. When I have a child, I'm not going to be able to pack up and GO anywhere. I'm realizing that as much as it may not be the greatest of fun to do things solo, I can't keep making plans with people and then wait around for them to make things happen. What will happen is, I'll be stuck here waiting and never get there. So I was originally shooting for Miami for the end of August, and because I want to go, I'm sticking to it. I'm not sure if its going to work out financially but I'm still going to try my hardest and if not, before the years end I'm going to go to Miami for a weekend.

I've been doing small talk with a Life Coach named Anna. I'm trying to find an editorial job, or career rather. See where I can get in, start to make waves and if it'll be possible to make a decent enough salary to support not just myself but any children I might have in the next 5 years. I've slowly been spending more time with the All-Star's child to see if I can actual handle it. Just little steps to see if all that I'm starting to want: the marriage, the kids, the stability is really all something I can handle. I've stopped consuming alcohol, upped my fruit intake and after years of loathing, actually now love drinking water. These simplified changes and not going out and mindlessly partying in the last month and I've lost 6 pounds...with barely any exercise.

Just seeing results in the small changes is really pushing me to make bigger ones.....and I'm realizing I may lose some things and friends along the way but I have to start creating the life I've been dreaming of and stop waiting and praying and hoping it'll just happen. I've been doing that for so long, and if something was going to happen it would've happened already.

It must be time for me to take matters into my own hands...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


"I'm trippin off the power.."-Kanye West

I was tripping in my case over the lack thereof.. Its hard to define "power". Power can be physical as well as mental because it possesses its own energy or the ability to fill someone with energy. Not just fill, in a negative respect it can strip someone of their energy as well. Look at how a loss of power can bring someone down to their knees in depression. Power, oddly enough is a powerful ass thing. Its controlling and freeing simultaneously and that's what invokes curiosity and fear.

I haven't written in this blog for a month...I had to disappear for awhile. The lack of power had consumed me and brought me to my knees with despair and when I truly thought I couldn't get any lower, low and behold, it did. I thought when I had left off from here that I had come across this great thing in redirecting my focus in creating my world. That okay, now that I'm knowledgeable as to what apart of my problem is and I have a focused method to attack it I must be moving in the right direction. As soon as I started to move, inspired, I got so knocked over that I couldn't write.

To be real, there was nothing to write about because all I wanted more than anything for the last month was to die. I had wished that I would've drank something I wasn't supposed to..gotten hit by a car...something to end this as opposed to me ending it my own hand. So all the stress of everything literally started to reflect itself in my health and my physical thyroid issues started to escalate by what felt like a million.....
And it seemed like not only was no one listening to what I was saying, whenever I did have something to say..but that also no one could understand where I was coming from. So I was just finished...straight up started writing a will finished...but randomly, one of the last people I was expecting to contact me, did. Though I was only able to sum up just a portion of how I was feeling this is what I managed to say:

"...I've projected half of it...that part I've projected onto myself, health wise..a bit onto my new bf but we have the deepest conversations ever so we're 300% understood & a little bit unto my best friend..seeing that I've been doing all these things I've started to retract from the public, her included & started fully projected it unto my thyroid is back into the stages of when I was at SUCO & first diagnosed & was just sleeping 1800hrs a night & still feel lethargic all day, ravenous appetite that's never satisfied, no sex drive feels so debilitating to say you have all these physical problems at age 24 & what I listed is the tip of the iceberg in terms of what I'm feeling. There are days my thyroid is so fucked up that I literally wake up in bed, my brain is fully awake..eyes open but I'm literally physically paralyzed. I beg & will my body just to pick the head up off the pillow or even to roll from my back unto my side..& I'm literally paralyzed from the eyes down. When I'm like that, I can't lips don't move, I can't command my own voice even though in my brain I'm screaming..idk its been a lot of terrible physical demand that I truly feel a lot of people don't understand & sometimes people make mean comments to me stating I'm just lazy & not hearing me out. So..I stopped speaking about it altogether..let niggas think what they want & stay alone.. and then like I was telling u..financially my situation hasn't altered in nearly a year so it was like 1 year of getting everything l needed..a job with a great salary, vacations, getting a car, taking care of all the basic necessities & just when I was really getting ready to play catch up & start looking for an apartment & REALLY have life on lock I lost everything in sequence. Matt, job, money, car..and everything has been in shambles since..which the stress of that has only worsened my health to mix with no job= no health insurance=no synthetic thyroid its been a trying year & I'm just fed up and beyond exhausted in every humanly way possible..."

And that's what it's been over the last month...the imbalance of power, or me having none whatsoever has finally taken its full toll. I mean, with no power, what are you worth can't be anything with nothing supporting what you are.
I mean..."I guess every superhero needs his theme music".......