Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sometimes I wonder if people just believe they can just up and bounce to, I don't know...Jupiter and think that shit is going to be all good. Its not.
I do NOT approve of littering and all that good shit, and I wish I could afford a Hybrid car. I make joke about global warming because I'm someone who DESPISES cold whether. (My body literally cannot function as well, I guess being native of another climate.)
This is OUR planet, we have only ONE Earth.
Jared Leto is a man I would bear as many children for him as he requested. Dear Jesus, what a beauty. 30 Seconds to Mars has done a GREAT video in Greenland. Watch it from beginning to end please. This is real, our planet is dying. I don't know about you, but I'm personally not trying to either a. drown to death or b. have the sun fucking explode while I'm alive and freeze to death.
I'll take a regular old gun shot in Brooklyn, thanks.
A Beautiful Lie
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Tuesday, January 29, 2008
(march/april 2008 KING magazine from Aubrey O'Day)
and if I ever won a contest to grab as many things out of their closets as possible I would most certainly pass away from a stroke before even meeting them. Let alone the clothing grab...
I did wake up around 3 am, and at 3:30 was VERY pleased to see MTV repeat the season premiere of Making The Band 4: Battle of the Sexes since it originally came on at 10 pm when I was asleep.
On Imeem today, I found their new single, "Damaged":
I like it A LOT. I know it's not earth shattering or life changing music...after all it is Danity Kane, but that doesn't change that I do support them.
More in DK news, Kim Kardashian was the Fall 2007 face of Famous Stars and Straps, now Aubrey O'Day is the spring 2008 face.
(from Aubrey O'Day)
Not bad, right?
Watch the new season....I'll be watching it like a crack head...
My phone has officially died. The charging connection on the inside has pretty much...disintegrated. I am making it a point to save to get another digital camera, because its times like these that you guys need to see a PICTURE of what I'm trying to show you.
Speaking of death....
The selling of my dead grandmothers house is REALLY underway. The 3 bedroom portion upstairs that I've roamed around since the age of 7 was being viewed yesterday around 2 p.m. by some possible renters. We've already rented the 2 bedroom apartment underneath it, and we're keeping the 1 bedroom apartment in the bottom-we own the entire house. With my aunt Charmaine moving to Jamaica and my grandmother gone, we really don't need the 3 bedroom portion but its too painful to watch. On New Years day I took Ben upstairs and showed him where my cousins and I would play as kids, where we were "forced" to take naps etc. It's just a really, really rough time to think that I'm going to walk by this house and NOT go upstairs. It's going to be annoying to know I can't just swing the car into the driveway or sit on the porch ALL summer long and eat, the things I've been doing since 7.
I did however, have a fabulous time in the basement apartment on Sunday. My parental figures and sibling went out there and spent the day and it gave me a small sliver of hope that you know what, we're going to create NEW memories in this one bedroom apartment. It might not have a quarter as much space, and the huge kitchen I'm used to (that's where I learned to do all my cooking) but with me turning 22 in April, it should be maybe 14 years of new memories. I'm trying hard to keep positive.
I was reminiscing during work yesterday about the lovely time I had in Brooklyn and a wave of melancholy washed over me quite suddenly. I started thinking about my friendships on Long Island and feeling that I'm still not part of that "group". I mean, understandably, I went away for 4 years but....it's been approximately 8 months that I've returned to Long Island. I'm usually the last to know something or have to do inquiries before notification because I'm not necessarily thought of to contact right away? It just makes me aware that I'm not in the "loop". Sadly though, this is why I've been reaching out to so many other people because I'm aware of my displacement within that group. What also doesn't work is friends that are in Brooklyn or elsewhere are all tugging about who gets to see me when I do come to Brooklyn, because none of them want to make the journey out to Suffolk County. THAT is extremely annoying. The only time that I'm seen doesn't have to be only when I come to Brooklyn, not to sound like a pig but I have a bitch of a house with more than enough room to cater to people. If some would make the EFFORT to come out here, it would make me feel APPRECIATED. I've been the one making the journey to Brooklyn to see friends since I moved to Long Island which was circling the time of my 15th birthday. Just do unto others........
These feelings of melancholy didn't raise with speed either. My temp job on their last day of needing me TRULY worked me like a dog yesterday. Denzel told me I was sleep talking to him around 9:30 last night. He tucked me in (*say awww*) turned off my tv, lights and turned my screen saver to "blank" so that the light wouldn't wake me. At work, as I tried to make the time of my slavery pass faster I integrated music. The same way slaves would sing, I in 2008 turned on my PSP. Almost instinctively with my sadness I went STRAIGHT to my Jason Mraz playlist. The first 3 songs I played didn't raise the mood:
"Who Needs Shelter"
Plane was PARTICULARLY difficult...because that's the ring tone of my BFF, Linette..I don't hear that song and NOT think of her.
I'm just not in the mood to fight about ANYTHING. Whoever wants to spend time with me...will make the effort; they'll let me know. If they don't...well that speaks enough for me..
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Random tidbits first...
- I think Beanie is so cute :)
- Where the hell is Pleasure Magazine? The Myspace profile has been deleted and I've been meaning to inquire what the hell is going on..
- I had a stomach virus: (1/24/08-1/25/08), R.I.P. he/she/it will be truly, truly missed for the ab definition it provided me. I truly had a Ciara-like stomach yesterday and it was everything fabulous to me. "You are so beautiful, to me. Can't you see? You're everything I hoped for. You're everything I need. You are so beautiful, to me". -Joe Cocker.
- Did you know, that if a child uses crayons on your furniture, MAYONNAISE will get it out? I'm sure you didnt know that rubbing MUSTARD on your chest will (in a gross way) alleviate your cold....JaxPoetic Blogspot has put me on to some banging links...FOOD!
- My eyebrows are growing into Oscar the Grouch status, my weave needs to be either 1. removed or 2. replaced after only having it for FOUR weeks, my nails are broken, and I want to buy lotion..these things will be FIXED on Friday, February 1st 2008 when The New Jack gets a paycheck!
- Is it that I really could squeeze a photoshoot in on 2/1/08? Maybe 2/2/08?
Okay, more importantly, the real Wamu stats...
Niggas need to understand I'm on my 008 shit...
We're looking at 2 paychecks of a combined 48 hours. With this check, the following will be done:
- $125-Verizon Wireless
- $125-Pending civil suit
- $50-Brand new Wamu Savings Account created yesterday
- $25-Needs: lotion, face wash etc.
- $45-lowest possible cost of hair correction
- $5-$20-nail correction
- $10-$30-transportation on LIRR/MTA to get all the following done that Friday
Balance-Wamu checking account to SIT there and not be spent frivolously
credit!-Tax return Bond Staffing Group-added to Wamu checking
credit!-Tax return Axion LLC-added to Wamu checking
Ugh I'm good I'm disgusting myself....
Friday, January 25, 2008
- you're an idiot
- you can be very opinionated
- you're way too vocal
- your long eyelashes, perfect dimples and excellent teeth, disgust me
- you're obnoxious
- I envy your flexibility
- you're too tall for my taste
- and you get drunk too easily for my taste as well
- you can be a tomboy, but have come a LONG way from high school
- you need to learn how to walk in heels
- you should start by purchasing heels first
- tights weren't made for dresses until Mischa Barton ruined your life
- I don't like that you make fun of America's Next Top Model
- cause Gossip Girl and The O.C. shouldn't run your life
- you need to finish your education
- you have an unhealthy obsession with your eyebrows
- ...and with Uggs
- I don't like you smoking
- you have horrible allergies and need more than Claritin
- you swing your arms too much
- you eat like a complete PIG and consume way too much fast food
- and your movements do remind all of us of Grover from Sesame Street
But most importantly, whether you move to Africa and join a tribe or whether you become a convicted felon, I'm going to love you all the days of my life. NOTHING is going to change that about your overly vocal ass. You raise my blood pressure SIGNIFICANTLY, but I'm going to love you all the days of my life. If you ever think that you are replaceable? or disposable? that will be the day you and I have nothing left to discuss.
Love, your BFF,
Thursday, January 24, 2008
The landscape continues to change today with an emphasis on romantic Venus as she first aligns with passionate Pluto and then cools down by entering reserved Capricorn. We may feel as if our parade is canceled due to rain. Although our hope isn't squelched, this can be an unavoidable reality check. The Moon enters discriminating Virgo at 9:49 am EST, cranking up our analytical engine so we can logically intellectualize our recent experiences.
Psalm 119: 36: Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain.
Aries:Although these past few days may have been very intense, relief is on the way. Instead of being swept up in another emotional drama, you can finally get down to business. If you have frivolously wasted time or have been guilty of procrastination, you can now make up for lost time. But don't expect any miracles or major breakthroughs today. Just start at the top of your list and work steadily for the best results.
I feel like it's more than evident that I feel drained. I see no opportunity for things to let up early this weekend. I will be working today and tomorrow, leaving from work tomorrow and heading directly into Brooklyn to return the Sentra. I haven't confirmed how I am arriving back to Suffolk county as yet either. After that, I should hopefully be able to get some sleep early on Saturday and late night attending (still in debate) The Significant's game. This all seems like a situation I don't want to invite myself into, for The Significant and I have beef, he and his cousins currently have beef, the girlfriend of his other cousin and I have beef and I don't forsee a comfortable "family" oriented game as has been in the past.
Drained, annoyed and worried I went to bed last night after an extensive conversation with my BFF, Jax Poetic and LibraDreamer. I did put my phone on "alarm mode only" so that the ONLY thing I would hear is my alarm go off at 7 a.m. for me to hop up for work. Nikki the ex girlfriend of his cousin Cam called just to check on me, and The Significant called me three times between 11 p.m.-1 a.m. I'm glad that it was in that mode for me to not hear it, because I wouldn't have ignored his calls as he deserved. He didn't leave me a voicemail out of all three phone calls, so is it fair for me to assume it was that urgent? Or maybe it could be the signs of some class understanding that if it were an apology he called to deliver it would NOT have been accepted via voicemail. I havent in a little over a week and wont be entertaining sex with him for a little while....
In aiding myself in staying with my New Years goals, I started investigating on Craigslist writing communities. I cannot afford to go to grad school of course, so in the interim I might as well continue to enhance these writing skills that I hold so dear to me. I despise poetry, sidebar and there were a lot of things poetry oriented. I guess I can't say that I hate poetry, I am indeed a songwriter as well. Its just that, so many people have noted my writing talents and its something that I do love and comes easy to me. I think that if I did go to grad school PR or journalism really, really would be a great venture for me. Dylan keeps telling me I need my own magazine, but magazines are extremely difficult in sales nowadays when you have things like this-blogs, taking over the world. EVERYONE has a public blog and everyone LIVES on the internet. Truly with the help of my ex boyfriend's cousin I can really have my little internet "mag" that I think with enough time and dedication will take off. But, in the interim, I might as well strengthen the writing skills. I'm doing this for MYSELF, and no one else. Since it is becoming apparent to me as well as everyone else that through my actions I'm doing slightly too much for The Significant and other people.
Both Nikki and I have thoroughly come to that conclusion between The Significant and Cam.
Right now, the money game is looking fierce. I will be working thus far with my last day becoming Monday of next week due to the continued illness of the receptionist. This will enable me to pay $125 each to both Verizon and my civil suit, especially the civil suit demonstrating that I am NOT in any ways trying to "jerk" them around. I am in debates as to what to do about my hair, a weave would be THOROUGHLY more cost effective in that I will have no hair expenses for the following 2 months. OR, I could engage in wearing a ponytail where I will have upkeep expenses atleast every two weeks until I came up with money AGAIN to install a weave. The current disaster on my head I am referring to as hair, is in KNOTS because I purchased $80 worth of hair, and sadly to those who don't know about hair thats CHEAP. I'm getting what I paid for..therefore, my hair cannot come out of a ponytail because it is in a knot about a little smaller than your fist. Yeah I said it, your fist thats how huge that thing is and needs to be CUT in order to be removed.
I still need to set money aside, this is a temp job afterall and I have no idea when the next check will ever come in....
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
and extremely tired... and if you don't wear reading glasses you will need them after these last couple extensive entries, especially this one:
I've been working this week (by the way, they've added me on for an additional 2 days-Thursday and Friday *applaud now*) and even though I am getting out of work at 5:30, I cannot seem to hold my head to much above 11 p.m.
The stress of what is currently underway with The Significant has definitely taken a toll on me. As much as I've acknowledged his decision to be a stubborn prick, I am thoroughly worried about him. This is just my nature I presume. People repeatedly demand that I do not show care/concern for those who are "undeserving" but I do care, I am concerned and now I'm entering the stage of panic.
If he's NOT going to call me and take my help then what? He isn't speaking to his main cousin Cameron, they currently have "beef". His grandparents aren't letting him in. I know he doesn't have money. He's off of work tomorrow, so where will he spend the day tomorrow now that I'm working and cannot take him in? When and how is he going to eat? When is the next time I'm going to hear from him after the fight this morning..furthermore, see him? Do I call the other cousins? Do I call Cam?
I'm trying so hard to ignore all the happenings, but my stomach is in a knot and I'm so worried words cannot describe. The phones ringing off the hook at this temp job aren't even serving as a decent distraction. They seem as more so a nuisance, and are "interrupting" my thoughts if you will. Shouldn't I be WELCOMING distractive thoughts?
I know it seems so easy to so many. I shouldn't be having significant thoughts about someone I consider significant if they are displaying actions that are not mutual. I wish I moved so easily. Its things like this that make me realize that I am possibly beginning to access my "old" self. The self that was in place before the passing of my grandmother in 2004. Prior to this I couldn't just CUT people off, it was something I always had to battle with because I had so many feelings. In between her death and 2007 I have made, and easily done so, several, several "cuts". You're pissing me off, you're gone. You're inducing stress in my life, you're gone. God forbid you cursed at me or took it further than that. I have not experienced in the last 3 years difficulty with disposing of people. Now with that being said, I have been late 2007 analyzing so much and have come to the decision that the "old" self is a wiser choice. I have appeared harh, abrasive, curt, blunt, rude and classless in the tongue of the "new" self. There are however some qualities of the old self I would like to keep. Though I have thoroughly desired to acquire the traits of the "old" self such as the patience, by going through THIS with The Significant, is this my test of patience?
Kids ask all the time, "I asked God for ____ and he didn't give it to me". You learn as an adult, you ask God for courage and he gives you the situation to be courageous in. By therefore understanding the need to have patience, losing it after the death of my grandmother, and praying to get it back is this my situation presented to exhibit patience in?
For anyone who finished reading this lengthy post.....
Love, an exhausted and drained New Jack
The Significant (7:36:29 AM): good morning to u too...im on my way to work. thanx for fallin asleep after u was allegedly supposed to call me back. so I slept n my car again last nite
New Jack (7:38:34 AM): why didnt you call me then Matthew
New Jack (7:39:27 AM): ok the point of this was for me to check on you and see if you were ok, you said you're going to work but i see that you're already taking shit out on me
The Significant (7:39:42 AM): didn't I make it clear that I wasn't goin to wake u up once we got off tha phone
New Jack (7:39:53 AM): then that was YOU being stubborn when i told you that you could call me and wake me if i did fall out
New Jack (7:40:01 AM): but ok i wanted to check on you
New Jack (7:40:14 AM): i see you're giving me the sarcasm and attitude already and its 7 in the morning
New Jack (7:40:21 AM): and im trying to see if you were ok..
The Significant (7:40:36 AM): im nottakin n e thing out on u. u said u was goin to call me n u fell asleep
New Jack (7:40:56 AM): and you didnt CALL ME when i told you it doesnt matter you can, and wake me cause if i had a power nap i couldve drove and GOT you
The Significant (7:41:16 AM): stop ASSUMING that I have an attitude. u want tha truth n that's what u are getting rite now
New Jack (7:41:51 AM): when you want me and my help that ive repeatedly tried to offer let me know
The Significant (7:42:37 AM): no I wasn't goin to wake u cause it wouldn't be fair n I didn't have ne money for a train
New Jack (7:43:13 AM): what money for what TRAIN i said i was going to DRIVE to nassau and come get you and u coulda got on a train from deer park
The Significant (7:44:09 AM): I still don't have n e money for tha train
The Significant (7:44:16 AM): that's y I didn't call u
New Jack (7:44:44 AM): MATTHEW if you needed me to drive you BACK to hempstead at dawn for you to catch a bus to a train, i would have
New Jack (7:44:48 AM): im mad worried about you
The Significant (7:45:33 AM): its nuttin to be worried bout im fine...
New Jack (7:45:27 AM): you know what....ok fine....
New Jack (7:45:54 AM): cause im trying so hard and im concerned and you want to do that whole thing about you being fine when someone is geniuinely concerned and offering help
New Jack (7:46:07 AM): but ok i cant force my help or concern on anyone
The Significant (7:46:28 AM): thank u
New Jack (7:46:24 AM): if u want help from me you'll contact me
New Jack (7:46:36 AM): cause its too apparent that you DONT want me to help you
New Jack (7:47:31 AM): why are you telling me thank you, are you glad im leaving you alone
The Significant (7:48:08 AM): I never said I was glad
The Significant (7:48:59 AM): as long I can wake up n breathe everyday even though I did sleep n my car theres nuttin to be worried bout
New Jack (7:49:03 AM): ok matt.....
New Jack (7:49:24 AM): have it your way
New Jack (7:49:35 AM): dont say i never tried to help and that i didnt care
New Jack (7:49:44 AM): when you turn around later and say that no one gives a fuck about you
New Jack (7:50:01 AM): dont dare throw my name into that pool
New Jack (7:50:23 AM): i'll ttyl when you decide you want to contact me
The Significant (7:50:54 AM): whaever
New Jack (7:53:57 AM): dont tell me whatever
New Jack (7:54:05 AM): for trying to be your girlfriend and help you
New Jack (7:54:26 AM): cause all you do is repeatedly try and show me that you dont want a girlfriend
New Jack (7:54:34 AM): and you dont want me to do anything that involves helping you
New Jack (7:55:20 AM): and if you dont want my help and you dont want me you can make that CLEAR if thats what you want but dont drop hints when you're the one in trouble and im trying to help
New Jack (7:55:55 AM): but be stubborn, dont talk to me if thats what you're doing and live in your car if thats what you think is the right thing to do
The Significant (7:56:12 AM): what can u do to help me avoid situations that I have in my house
The Significant (7:56:31 AM): then what tha fuck do u want me to do
New Jack (7:56:20 AM): i try a hundred times to tell you how to handle yourself and how to calm yourself down and you never want to listen
New Jack (7:56:45 AM): you dont pay RENT stop disrespecting people in THEIR house, you did it anyway, and i was willing to come GET you so you couldve had a BED to sleep in
New Jack (7:56:48 AM): i have CAR
New Jack (7:56:56 AM): and i was willing to come get you and take care of you
New Jack (7:57:00 AM): YOU do not want me
New Jack (7:57:07 AM): YOU do not want my help
The Significant (7:57:39 AM): is that what u wanna hear
New Jack (7:57:28 AM): YOU do not want my advice or anything else ive TRIED to provide for you seeing that you're in a BIND
The Significant (7:57:52 AM): u wanna hear me say I don't want u
New Jack (7:57:53 AM): and im tired of the hints being dropped when all i want is to see you ok
New Jack (7:58:02 AM): im worried and concerned
New Jack (7:58:11 AM): and yet still im pushed away
New Jack (7:58:18 AM): i want to help and im pushed away
New Jack (7:59:54 AM): you can decide if u want me and my help, and maybe i'll be around cause you're basically tellin me fuck you, thats what im hearing...its cool Mj
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Of the two possible situations I can explain I have chosen to delve into The Significant first...
12:14:24 PM New Jack: i just had to get it off my chest that after I tried to tell Matt that he needs to get his own place, start workin full time etc he replied w/fuck you, you think u know so much about me...i dont think so
12:14:56 PM Ben: how did all this come about?
12:15:47 PM New Jack: hes pissed that im not pretending to support the whole hitting the customer thing
12:16:00 PM New Jack: he said hes over the situation and he has his job so it doesnt matter
12:16:13 PM New Jack: i asked him if he learned anything from this and he said no he regrets nothin
12:16:47 PM New Jack: and i told him that he needs to get it together, hes turning 26 and still is making no motions to do anything w/his life
12:16:55 PM New Jack: and he says hes fine w/his life just the way it is
12:17:22 PM New Jack: he doesnt want to move out, he wants to still ask for money everyday and hes tired of people telling him how to live and that how hes living is wrong
12:17:55 PM New Jack: and i should live my life and he will live his
12:18:22 PM New Jack: hes also upset that i honestly told him that if this is the way he wants his world to continue, him and I are not going to be in a relationship much longer
12:18:58 PM New Jack: because i have plans for my life, and im not going to be with someone who refuses to plan a future for themselves and even worse so not with me after 2 years
12:19:26 PM New Jack: so he told me fuck you, u think u know me so well, and i dont tell you how to live your life.
12:19:53 PM New Jack: so after hearing "thanks for the support" on sunday and then this today....yeah, im done...we're on a break
12:20:29 PM Ben: oh wow
12:21:17 PM New Jack: i might just tell him its officially over whenever he decides to call idk depends on how upset i am at the time
12:21:27 PM New Jack: but he has no life, and has no plans on making one
12:22:31 PM New Jack: i told you the TRUTH about yourself...and about what you did..and i get "thanks for the support and fuck you, you think you know me so well..i dont think so"
12:23:10 PM New Jack: im here at my temp job trying to make my own ends meet and if no one looks at my struggle
12:23:53 PM New Jack: and sees how hard it is to get a job WITH a degree
12:24:45 PM New Jack: then i wish him luck in life continuing the way he has without one
12:24:57 PM New Jack: and punishing those who try to help him
12:25:38 PM New Jack: he will not suceed in life, and whats the saddest part about it all is that at 26 he doesn't realize that and therefore doesn't recognize the need for help and based on that alone he will never ever succeed
12:26:26 PM Ben: what temp job do you have?
12:41:39 PM New Jack: Audiovox Corp
12:41:58 PM Ben: cool
12:43:02 PM New Jack: im so heated...cause hes not the least bit remorseful about the things he should be about....the job and this relationship and how hes handled BOTH so poorly
12:43:43 PM Ben: i understand
12:44:03 PM Ben: he's blinded i guess by his own view
12:44:12 PM New Jack: and because hes so far from an adult he realizes nothing and its impossible to have a conversation with himabout himself
12:44:23 PM New Jack: blindsighted isnt the word
12:45:21 PM New Jack: he told me that he never tells me how to live my life...and im like you never would have to because i have common sense
12:45:26 PM New Jack: i wouldnt hit someone at my job
12:45:35 PM New Jack: i wont be living w/my parents at 26
12:45:43 PM New Jack: i wont be working for $10/hr for the rest of my life
12:47:37 PM Ben: true
12:47:54 PM Ben: its very difficult for him to take criticism
12:48:53 PM New Jack: and hes 4 years older than me and consistently reminds me of Denzel he acts 4-5 years younger
12:49:04 PM New Jack: and im truly truly annoyed and starting to be over it
12:49:21 PM New Jack: because im trying to make a future and move forwards not backwards
12:50:08 PM New Jack: and this is why unfortunately i have to just stay single as much as i dont want to because no one that i wind up interested in turns out to be on my level and has no life goals, i consistently find myself in relationships with people who have no goals
12:51:20 PM New Jack: and im not sure how thats possible to live with no goals in life
12:52:18 PM New Jack: and its like my stomach is starting to hurt cause i feel the anxiety of knowing that this is not going to change..because he sees NO problem and im faced with stay like this and know that this could be my life or drop him now knowing how much i love him and dont want to
12:53:19 PM Ben: its a crazy situation D
12:53:29 PM Ben: i dont even know what to say
1:06:53 PM New Jack: im just...anxious...i know hes not going to contact me, and I have no plans to contact him after a voicemail and 2 texts so im curious to know how long its going to take for him to come to his senses...like call me tomorrow? or call me in a month? or call me never
1:09:57 PM Ben: it may take a few days
1:10:14 PM Ben: it probably will, given how things like this has happened with you guys before
1:12:03 PM New Jack: yes...and its just...i truly feel like im at the end of my rope Ben...i
1:12:22 PM New Jack: am trying so hard to make something of myself and correct so many wrongs, especially financially
1:12:35 PM New Jack: and im attached to someone that has no remote future whatsoever
1:12:56 PM New Jack: i asked him, if i toldhim i was knocked upw/his kid tomorrow what he tell me...."im screwed"
1:13:18 PM New Jack: because you're not an ADULT and you dont know what you would do at 26 about a baby? like are you kidding me?
1:14:37 PM Ben: what did he say to that?
1:14:49 PM New Jack: "im screwed"
1:15:07 PM New Jack: "i live my life one day at a time, so i wouldnt know what to tell you"
1:15:25 PM New Jack: "i dont plan for the future, theres no need to, shit is just going to happen so i dont plan"
1:16:12 PM Ben: wow
1:16:17 PM Ben: really?
1:16:31 PM New Jack: yes im dead ass serious, i couldnt make this shit up for goddamn tv
1:16:44 PM New Jack: he looked me in the face in my car and said that to me
I hope that serves as enough...I had so much of a BETTER thoroughly written and properly edited post for you guys...
Why is it that with Steven, Juan, The Significant and everyone inbetween I get linked to those with no ambitions? Coincidence anyone?
Now you tell me honestly, if I needed Miss Cleo to foresee this future for me..
to start by coping an away message from The Significant directed at me? "Fuck you! You think you know so much about me? Don't fucking think so"
Or to start with the woman who made me move my car, just so she can take MY space even though there were several spots surrounding the spot but I was told to move because I'm a Temp....
It's going to be such a long, long day....
Monday, January 21, 2008
Nikki, Cam's gf/ex-gf has spent the weekend with me and as per usual jinx, her arrival means lots of other madness going on. Yesterday I got a call from a random "917" number which landed me a two day temporary assignment with Audiovox. I was here before, as the first temp assignment after completing my internship at FTV in September. The people here are nice, and the day is relatively quiet but thats a coin flip, the phones can ring insanely here. The receptionist has come down with pneumonia, so I'm definitely here today but from what is being discussed, tomorrow as well. Good news of course, that means I can make a payment on my Verizon bill as well as my civil suit. Hopefully, by next week I'll have my taxes from all the temp assignments in my lap as well.
Yesterday was just insane as well. From Saturday and being punished for not being a direct hoodrat, then the need to exhibit the hood tendencies was obviously needed. This wasn't MY exhibition of the hood...it was The Significants. LONG story short, after being provoked by an irate customer that initially pushed The Significant, The Significant saw it fit to RETALIATE and punch the customer. Security broke up the fight, the gentleman was escorted off the NBA Store premises and now my darling, hood Significant has an 8 a.m. meeting with HR today. Being that it's minutes to 11 I'm quite interested to hear how that went. The vote amongst people that I've told thus far has been that he will not be employed by the day's end. Worse part about this? He has no intentions of "kissing HR's ass, because I'm going to tell them as it is and he should've never pushed me"
Do you still want to vote?
The Significant's car brakes, battery and tire are in need of replacements; I've been the one driving my aunt's Sentra to Nassau to see him. He has court on 2/4/2008. $600 worth of various traffic violation tickets. Other various bills and expenses including car insurance. Is it wise to NOT beg for your job at an HR meeting seeing all that's on your plate?
It's just the craziest jinx that when Nikki comes to visit as much as we plan for a banging weekend all goes wrong. Her and I did spend some MORE than fabulous quality time together. I love Nikki so much we can be so opposite but she understands the root of a lot things that have to deal with me. Finally, a woman that I can be close to!
THIS JUST IN: The Significant JUST texted me saying that by the LOVE of Jesus, they let his assault-charged ass keep his job...
I gotta focus on getting my own job since he doesn't have the intention of keeping his...maybe, Nikki-weekends aren't a total jinx afterall.
A trine between optimistic Jupiter and realistic Saturn sets a major theme into motion that places our goals within reach if we are willing to work hard throughout the year. We have enough common sense now to find the optimum balance between expansive plans and methodical follow-through. This aspect recurs in September and November, giving us the necessary time to make changes. Be bold, for today's careful Cancer Moon may err on the side of caution. (lifescript)
You don't need to do anything out of the ordinary today except believe in yourself, no matter what you face on the road ahead. This is not a guarantee of success; it's merely your ticket of entry. Your journey this year will teach you how to be more practical than ever before. Self-confidence is a good start, but you'll still have to apply yourself to succeed.(lifescript)
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Being at The Significant's cousin's (Cameron's) game last night, I was extremely observant of several things.
- The Significant's ex girlfriend and her family was present...and they are Grade A Hoodrats
- Many supporters of Cam and The Significant are classified as "Hoodrats"
- I am judged in detail by the way I dress, and secondarily by the way I carry myself
- Possessing "class" is not a positive amongst those who represent the "hood", you will be classified as "Bourgeois"
- If a classy person is caught dating someone of the "hood", the classy person will be judged extensively and the other representatives will be sure to verbally make it known of their "lack of placement"
It was disheartening being at the game last night. The stares, the comments...and this is not the FIRST I've endured this dating a representative of the "hood". Upon meeting me, two of The Significant's cousins made it a point to let him know I was "out of your league", simply by analyzing me in a rabbit-fur coat and boots. This is not the FIRST time The Significant has been ushered to break up with me on the account of being "one of those Suffolk county girls..you know they got mad money son...you can't ride that out forever".
It's hurtful to know that possessing class can some how be turned into a negative attribute.
I'm trying to remind myself constantly of the goals I have set up of 2008. I have a phone date with who could possibly be my talent manager.
I'm trying to make positive changes...don't punish me for being classy.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
New Britney, "Piece of Me"
She so doesn't possess the energy she once had...Perez called it and it's SO true..
New Timbaland, featuring Keri Hilson and Nicole Scherzinger..
It's a HORRIBLE song, good eye candy courtesy of Nicole and Keri:
I hate the blonde hair, I prefer her as I fell in love with her, a firecrotch.
She just went from this:
I'm not mad..It's only a wig, but I'm not mad about it..
She is 6 years older then this boy, but I think they look adorable together..current rumor is earlier this week she was sported with a 7-karat diamond. These photos are from New Years at his mansion:
Can we say banging ass dress?
Also, if you're in the land of the living you know Xtina had her baby over the weekend. She finally named him, Max Liron Bratman. Please look like your mother...you'll be so hot...
Maybe more later in the day?
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
how soothing his music is....
I stumbled onto my group playlist of Jason on my PSP on the train to my 3 interviews...
You truly CANNOT worry your life away...
My parents said some hurtful and disgusting things to me, and we're not going to talk about how I currently feel about my mother...
"..it all amounts to nothing in the end.." so why worry? I only have one life to live. Yes, being broke sucks. My parents and I having this Jay-Z vs. Nas beef, even worse. No car, totally annoying. Not being able to fix my new but currently fucked up weave, just plain pisses me off. I can't worry my life away though.
I feel good about the interviews, they seemed to be entertained by my quirkiness. The first two interviews will be doing background checks, so that I'm not leaping in the air confirming that I'm employed. The last spot does NOT do the check, but also is giving me $7,000 less than what I want to start at. Or more so, need to start at to afford LIRR fares and pay off my debts and start my LIFE.
We'll see what the outcome is though, I'm not worrying.
Monday, January 14, 2008
General Daily Insight
Today's impulsive Aries Moon sets the stage for the start of a whole new emotional cycle. We can feel a wave of fresh energy, for Aries is the initial sign of the Zodiac and represents the impetus needed to get things going. But chatty Mercury sesquisquares assertive Mars in scattered Gemini, so we may get into trouble by sharing our plans before we know if they're feasible. This can lead to verbal conflict unless we stay aware of our propensity of saying too much.
It may feel as if your life is renewing itself and you are quite eager to move ahead. Unfortunately, your enthusiasm may get you going but it won't be enough to ensure that you reach your destination. Add a healthy dose of determination, though, and you'll probably accomplish the goals you are setting. But don't just talk about it; put your plan into action. (lifescript.com)
I got into the biggest fight with my parents which ended with these conclusions from them...
- I'm irresponsible
- I'm worthless for still being unemployed after 6 months
- Don't use plastic cups you didn't pay for....or anything else you didn't pay for actually
- I use their house as a "hotel"
- My friends and I are not "children"
- My boyfriend is classless
- New Jack+passion+Time=everything BUT finding a job
- I don't "live" here
- Despite being unemployed, I should still get up at 7am as if I had a job to exhibit "drive"
- I have utilized the library
- I am comfortable with a banking account that is sitting in a negative for days now, not having a car and not starting a career
The only way that one could truly absorb the magnitude of what I've written is only if the actual fight was recorded.
- People think that I enjoy NOT having a job/money/independence
- I purposely stay away from home because of stress like this
- My mother has never liked me, which isn't news to me and insists on repeatedly confirming it
- No one in my family never knew what my true passions were anyway so who are you to tell me what my passion is anyhow
- Every time I think I'm turning things around...they stop half way
- I'm beginning to question my faith in God/Jesus/That Bubble AGAIN
- My life can never be stable with happiness..for some reason, I've done something I'm not aware of that the Karma has come that I should spend my adult life in misery
- I wish people knew The Significant that only few of us really do
- Its things like this that truly reinforce me wanting to STOP trying altogether because it's adding up to nothing
- I'm trying desperately to hold on to my ideas that 2008 is really going to be a turn around for me-positively
Maybe this is what the distance of going away to college does...the people who you think know you the best after 4 years realize they didn't know you at all...
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Now I love to look at him, as do most women but I had no idea that his music would be so soothing. Or that he would be so much of a hood rat, but to each his own.
The situations of my life are all compiling together and I truly have a feeling like I'm going to snap. The thing is me "snapping" can't possibly be a good thing. More New Jack math:
Snap=violation of probation.
Violation of probation+New Jack=Jail.
For the DIRECT people that are stressing me out. Please, please enjoy yourself as much as possible. I simply ask that you make sure you cannot be found on October 30th, 2008 when I am officially cleared. If you are found, and I'm still this stressed, your face will be your Halloween costume.
For anyone that doesn't know, The New Jack is Jamaican and a ganja smoker. Cigarettes never. Chronic, something else. I'm obviously NOT allowed to smoke, and nor have I since September 29th of 2007 days before my arrest. I posted the best of J. Holiday's album for you and I REALLY,REALLY think you should take a listen.
If you want the entire album....
Really, if you need to just slow down..and maybe smoke a blunt..this is something really nice to listen to while smoking alone.
ESPECIALLY "Laa Laa". Man, the day AFTER my shit is over, I intend to sit right next to my BFF Linette and smoke like a billion to this song with her and probably Deanna. Back of My Lac and Thug Commandments are two others I really, really like. I'll be smoking to those too. Out my favorites list I can't really say there is one song I don't like or couldn't listen to twice-that's just me. My BFF has definitely been trying to keep me calm...keeping me under the umbrella. We've both been trying to control something for the other. She's trying to keep me from flipping and I'm trying to get her to slow down her life. At least, slowing her down some is working. I hope her part for me kicks in SOON. She knows if it happens, I'll catch a charge, straight up 5-0 taking me out the door.
"Be With Me" was J's first single. A lot of people didn't know about this track, they just HOPPED on "Bed". I was OBSESSED with "Be With Me" when it first dropped LONG before "Bed" and I remember being very fearful that "Be With Me" wasn't going to be the smash that "Bed" became and that I was never going to hear from this kid again. The next thing I know, everyone I know is trying to put someone's ass to "bed-bed-bed".
So maybe at the end of October...I'll be in the Back of My Sentra and this situation will be put to Bed.
Friday, January 11, 2008
"People will always talk about you, especially when they envy you and the life you live. Let them. You affected their life, they didn't affect yours."
The situation from the post, "Just Like Swimming" has finally come to an explosion. Arguing, denials, ended communications, nasty away messages, Myspace blog posts. These are the actions of someone 4 years my senior. It has been pretty clarified amongst the 4 people, myself included that when the truth comes out no one wants to claim their statements. I'm not angry. There's no need to be. Despite my age, that people incessantly use against me and call me "baby" I repeatedly prove to be the adult in EVERY single situation of my life. Especially altercations.
I WOULD quote the away message of her...no need....
I WOULD quote the Myspace blog post...no need...
To directly quote her though, "I don't do dramatics". If you don't, then was there a need to post an away message and Myspace blog post about it? More importantly, to post and attempt to cover up YOUR wrongdoings and chatterbox behavior?
The best quote to live by in all of this situation that has officially ended in shambles is simple:
"People will always talk about you, especially when they envy you and the life you live. Let them. You affected their life, they didn't affect yours."
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
The company seemed taken aback by my education on this industry.
Apparently, they have hundreds of girls just signing papers and taking the money and running with it. Do I have serious bills and debt to handle? Yes very much so. Am I selling my soul to the Devil for a couple hundred dollars and nude pictures of me pop up in 3 years. Fuck no. The consultant and I had about an hour long conversation this morning after him receiving my photos in the mail last night. He is very excited and as am I, but if you make $8,000 off of me being naked, am I only supposed to receive $300 and no rights to the photos or royalties off your profits? I don't think so.
It's very, very sad to me that so many women my age and slightly younger are just TOSSING their bodies at the Industry with NO promise for a future. Signing things without reading, taking their tops for additional money, not inquiring about their rights to the photos, distribution and royalties etc. It's so hard. Do women not realize that we ARE the power holders? Without OUR bodies and willingness to comply there will be no "Eye Candy" market? Men will ALWAYS want to look at women, but if we ALL were start dressing in garbage bags, NO ONE will profit. Magazines, Men, Everyone profits when WE profit FIRST. We ARE the product. I intend to still meet with the consultant while being accompanied by The Significant. I will not be scammed because they STRONGLY believe that all women under the age of 25 are uneducated and will leap for the opportunity to get paid to take their tops off.
Currently, you're damn right I would die for $100 per hour, but with how famous I will be in the future, and my DIGNITY that $100 is seeming like real change these days.....
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
I spent this past Saturday extremely drunk. After a NOT quiet, HALO and 2K8 night in Hempstead on Friday, I pretty much assumed that my Saturday would have been smooth. Romantic even. A little Blockbuster movie with my mother. Some curry goat. Not when you have the friends I have. I'm sure none of them know what romance with their parents is....
I discovered that Linette, my BFF is related to the entire world and yet again, now a pair of twins Brandon and Bryant that I attended Oneonta with are ALSO her cousins. Bryant came over and pre gaming began and my house, where we discovered that Vanilla Svedka tastes like Vicks formula 44 cough syrup. Sitting at my bar in the basement my BFF VOLUNTEERED my father's bottle of Absolut. Here is an adorable photo of us PRIOR to being DONE.
We went to Origin which is located in Farmingdale and Bryant (who we SWEAR his album just dropped) purchased the entire first round of drinks and paid our cover charge. I made the UNWISE mistake of taking a Long Island Iced Tea which tasted like poison on the rocks. While the girls decided to taste and SPILL each others drinks...
And then this is truly us......when Hennessey comes into the pictures...
Equation: People+Hennessey=Possible DEATH
Soon after this photo, Chas fell, we spilled more drinks..and Bean and I raped this Black kid...
I crawled into bed at 10 after 5...and thus far, I've been taking my days QUITE easy...
Monday, January 7, 2008
New Jack: LMAO, I can't swim!
Maybe, it is just like swimming, with the goal being keeping your head above water....
Someone I know wants to break The Significant and I apart. Yes, it is well understood to me that the entire year of 2007 was extremely drama filled for our relationship. It did appear to the general public that we did more fighting than anything. For someone to say though, "I'm tired of them being together..we need to break them up..." is totally different. You say "I'm tired" in reference to making a switch from Wendy's to Mcdonalds. Not that just because you're "tired" of seeing two people TOGETHER that somehow you were given the divine right to separate the two people.
This is me trying to keep my head above water, and not shank bitches....
I know what I'm about, I know what I had planned to fix during 2008. This IS a test of my patience and control. I can find where you live and shank you. I'm on probation until October, do NOT let me violate it. I know what I am physically capable of. Do NOT underestimate my cuteness.
I am Jamaican and I was raised in Brooklyn, I EXCEL in wielding a machete.
I feel no need to TALK about shanking you because I will BE about shanking your bitch ass. People continuously expect that I cannot cause them physical damage because I look like a "cute girl". I'm not a girl, I am a woman and I will cut you if you piss me off. Ask the ex that was stabbed in the thigh with a pen.
I'm a very nice girl. Just do NOT manipulate my trust...that will above everything get you shanked quicker than you think.
Makes sense right?
Ok, now this is something I've adapted for the New Year and if you've been reading my changes for the 2008 are things I am very focused about making PERMANENT. I'm not changing them solely for the hell of "New Years Resolutions"
Here's some information relevant for BOTH you and I:
Everyone and their mama knows that The New Jack is currently UNEMPLOYED. Money has been the problem child of my 2007. It's the new year and all the companies have fresh budgets. Even though our job market SUCKS and unemployment is up from 4.7 to a solid 5% you and I BOTH shouldn't get discouraged. A quick Yahoo! article might make you think about things.
Everyone who does anything remotely developmental to the web wants to do things either faster or less stress involved. Smashing Magazine has dedicated themselves in little "How to do..", tutorials, icons, graphics, Photoshop information, you name it. It really is like their slogan: "We smash you with the information that will make your life easier, really" So if you're struggling with something and almost deleted your entire project by accident a la New Jack last week, don't induce a near stroke like I did...Just go to Smashing Magazine please.
End of Winter clearance:
I feel like you already are aware that the holidays are over. Even though Wednesday was 15 degrees in New York with a wind chill of 5, the stores are quickly slapping clearance tags on everything known to MAN and offering flip flops, cargo shorts and summer dresses in JANUARY. I will continue to don my rabbit fur coat but you might as well shop for my unemployed ass. Alloy has some OK things, but a great array of last year's summer shoes on clearance and I might just put my Wamu account into a negative buying a couple pairs. Use the code: AEX to get free shipping on an order over $75. Sorry that's all I got for you for free shipping. And! The catch is that this clearance is over in 3 days. So before its over, knock yourself out at Alloy.com.
Remember these photos?
Yes you do..
Go peek for yourself at: UrbanCurves.net and their Myspace page.
Hope this helped your day some!
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Even things that you're convinced are two great things that are great separately just MUST be fabulous together...
Sex and Mcdonalds do not mix.
Well, neither does sex and Wendy's.
I've been having a bad habit of getting laid after consuming fast food, as of late. Maybe within a half hour of consuming the food I've been doing this. I have been getting so unbelievably sick afterwards from the stomach cramps that I've finally put my foot down. No more sex and Mcdonalds. After spending a fabulous night with The Significant and his cousins, watching 8 of them flip out over Halo I've been extremely sick. I had a really entertaining time last night. They played from about 8:30p.m. to about 3 this morning. I was fine, just sleepy from Captain Morgan until just before 6 a.m. this morning and a love affair with a double cheeseburger, sprite and Significant.
I'm recuperating decently....
Friday, January 4, 2008
I cannot wait until I have a job.....
I want some Chanel glasses. I'm over my Prada ones.
I should be having a phone date with Pleasure Magazine today. I really hope they get serious and pick my black ass. Especially if I got a cover? Now that would be wild. We missed our phone date yesterday so I made it known via e-mail that I will be available to talk during the day today (God help my Verizon wireless bill) and that I really want them to contact me. I feel like Urban Curves will get back to me when they're ready, if they're ever going to be ready. I more feel the desire to chase Pleasure and BlackBoxxx. BlackBoxxx especially because I would like to write for them as well.
I had a near stroke yesterday afternoon.
I figured, it's the New Year and I'm feeling great, let me completely change my template entirely to SPICE up the lives of my readers. Ummm, maybe not so much. If you were on around 1 in the afternoon yesterday you should have loaded a "rich text" document which was calling itself "The New Jack". It was disgusting.
Frantic, the stress induced a piercing headache as I struggled to turn everything back around to its original form. Thank God I backed up my template. I feel like as much as I want to SPICE things up, I will be leaving that to a PROFESSIONAL friend to tweak. I do want to add some new FIERCENESS to the site, but that will evidently happen in due time kids.
Not with The New Jack tinkering around.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
This year starts with determined Mars facing the planet of personal transformation, Pluto. According to master astrologer Jeff Jawer, "Now more then ever you are motivated to make changes that will stick." Now's the time to gather every possible resource and set out on the road to a new year ... and new you.
Although the holiday storms may already be receding into the past, all is not yet back to normal. The emotional intensity of the Mars-Pluto opposition will likely linger for days, but we can also see more possibilities as the energy continues to clear. The passionate Scorpio Moon encourages us to fight for what we want while tension between logical Mercury and stern Saturn suggests that a more cautious approach would be wiser at this time. (Lifescript)
I am trying to keep my head screwed on straight. The Significant and I did spend the rest of New Years night asleep on a BOX SPRING...the combination of intoxication and exhaustion is a bitch.
I heard from Pleasure Magazine last night...(current possibilities: Pleasure, Urban Curves, BlackBoxxx) Here is their first issue ever and cover girl, Latoya Alexander:
But earlier speaking of intoxication....
Last night I spent the night with the Snitches...and we definitely had one of the funniest sober nights of my whole life.
Court TV, now renamed TruTv, officially gets kudos from The New Jack. If you're having a bad day, PLEASE turn to TruTv and watch the footage of FIGHTS. Everything from plain old Dominicans fighting in Washington Heights, to riots in Israel to Black girls stealing a White woman's winning lottery ticket. I was truly sick last night from incessant laughter. Here's a car crash into a DMV:
I'm desperately trying to find the stolen lottery ticket footage as well as the riots overseas. That's COMEDY.
New Years photos below if you didn't already investigate...
I need to get on the treadmill so I can inch my way over to Miss Alexander...
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
and damn it feels good....
Obviously you got no updates because I too was partying... (click on images to enlarge)
I feel like that is quite evident though..
Oh yeah, that is The New Jack's new hair...the all black, bangs (get you some, very spring '08 trend) and super curly. The New Jack is very used to having bone straight hair, and I'm not used to managing curls.
Hey, it makes me stand out.
You can tell who had a good time that night, my BFF:
More details on New Years soon...