Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Significant Thoughts

I feel very lost...
and extremely tired... and if you don't wear reading glasses you will need them after these last couple extensive entries, especially this one:

I've been working this week (by the way, they've added me on for an additional 2 days-Thursday and Friday *applaud now*) and even though I am getting out of work at 5:30, I cannot seem to hold my head to much above 11 p.m.
The stress of what is currently underway with The Significant has definitely taken a toll on me. As much as I've acknowledged his decision to be a stubborn prick, I am thoroughly worried about him. This is just my nature I presume. People repeatedly demand that I do not show care/concern for those who are "undeserving" but I do care, I am concerned and now I'm entering the stage of panic.

If he's NOT going to call me and take my help then what? He isn't speaking to his main cousin Cameron, they currently have "beef". His grandparents aren't letting him in. I know he doesn't have money. He's off of work tomorrow, so where will he spend the day tomorrow now that I'm working and cannot take him in? When and how is he going to eat? When is the next time I'm going to hear from him after the fight this morning..furthermore, see him? Do I call the other cousins? Do I call Cam?

I'm trying so hard to ignore all the happenings, but my stomach is in a knot and I'm so worried words cannot describe. The phones ringing off the hook at this temp job aren't even serving as a decent distraction. They seem as more so a nuisance, and are "interrupting" my thoughts if you will. Shouldn't I be WELCOMING distractive thoughts?

I know it seems so easy to so many. I shouldn't be having significant thoughts about someone I consider significant if they are displaying actions that are not mutual. I wish I moved so easily. Its things like this that make me realize that I am possibly beginning to access my "old" self. The self that was in place before the passing of my grandmother in 2004. Prior to this I couldn't just CUT people off, it was something I always had to battle with because I had so many feelings. In between her death and 2007 I have made, and easily done so, several, several "cuts". You're pissing me off, you're gone. You're inducing stress in my life, you're gone. God forbid you cursed at me or took it further than that. I have not experienced in the last 3 years difficulty with disposing of people. Now with that being said, I have been late 2007 analyzing so much and have come to the decision that the "old" self is a wiser choice. I have appeared harh, abrasive, curt, blunt, rude and classless in the tongue of the "new" self. There are however some qualities of the old self I would like to keep. Though I have thoroughly desired to acquire the traits of the "old" self such as the patience, by going through THIS with The Significant, is this my test of patience?

Kids ask all the time, "I asked God for ____ and he didn't give it to me". You learn as an adult, you ask God for courage and he gives you the situation to be courageous in. By therefore understanding the need to have patience, losing it after the death of my grandmother, and praying to get it back is this my situation presented to exhibit patience in?

For anyone who finished reading this lengthy post.....
Love, an exhausted and drained New Jack

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