Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Heart of the Matter

I told him...

I told him about his lies and the 10 story wall he's put up. I told him that I
used to hate him. I believe in Jesus, and that I truly don't believe in hate anymore. I told him he's guarded and translated his nightmare. The nightmare where he told me that he was blindfolded on a bridge, and that I told him "fuck you, jump off". I told him that I don't believe anymore that he ever loved me. Nothing he did in 3 years to display love made sense. I told him he has no core values and is full of disrespect. I told him I realize a new evil that he's committed against me in the last 3 and a half years, every single day.

I told him I shouldve left him two years earlier. I told that he is broken inside because he practices hatred for his father. A hatred for his father that he's yet to solve at 27 years of age, and that he always spilled and took out on me. He always punished me, solely for loving him as if the crimes against him done by his father were done by me. I told him I went through stages: sadness, frustration, mental instability & hatred. I'm leaving hatred and entering a healing stage. Like I said, Jesus doesn't want me to hate so I focus on not doing so, and not spreading it.

But I told him. I told him everything. Everything.

The Ex-Significant came to my house last night. In efforts to re-kindle and salvage what we had after I've broken up with him, permanently, months ago. He showed up around 9:30 and departed at midnight.
Now, when I think of it. It felt like 5 minutes.
Like the most liberating 5 minutes I've ever experienced.

I let out every dark demon against him in my soul. In my entire soul. Everything I suppressed, everything that's made me ugly and angry and frustrated and feel trapped inside of myself. I told him things that I haven't been able to say to ANYONE about how much I've hated him and how much I loved him at one point in my life. I opened up about all the levels of fuckery he's put the two of us through...and that I'm working on forgiving him as a PERSON, not for HIM, but for me. For my own peace. For my own quest to be closer to God.
I quoted things from the Bible.
I told him that I resented him.
That I'll never forget how much money I've shelled out, versus him and now I'm dirt poor with nothing to show for it and he is the one with the high paying job.
How he destroyed my self-esteem by incessantly cheating, no matter what I've done
I told him to talk to his father, if he really wants to get his life together. To learn to forgive.
Forgive your father for leaving you, and your mother. Forgive your father for not being there. Forgive him for creating a black hole in your heart that only I know how deep it is and how much it kills you and how much you lie awake at night. Fill the hole with forgiveness.

Because that's what I'm learning to do, forgive.

I'm learning to forgive my mother. For all the years of lacking to love me. To treat me right. To enable a true mother-daughter relationship. For all her resentment and mistreatment. For her neglect. For providing me with a life that will never truly know what its like to have an open, honest, happy relationship with a mother. Regardless of this, I'm learning to forgive.

I'm learning to forgive my friends. Certain people, wasting their lives away. Making nothing for themselves, that I associate myself with and I'm judged, negatively for this association. I'm forgiving them for their lack of desire. For their lack of change. For their overflow of ignorance. For their lack of appreciation. For their lack of regard for their own very lives.
I'm learning to forgive the Ex-Significant. For years of crying. For aiding in destroying my self-esteem. For a web of unnecessary lies and deceit. For destruction of trust. For his lack of core values. For his inability to forgive. For his past. For our past.

I'm learning to forgive myself.
I'm learning to appreciate myself.

I'm not as unattractive as I believe I am. And, yeah, maybe I do have some writing skills I can give myself some credit for..if so many other people enjoy my writing so much. I'm unhappy with my weight, but I don't look as horrific as I tell myself I do. I am funny. I am loyal, and there's nothing wrong with loyalty. I'm learning to stop hating myself. I'm trying to raise my self-esteem. I am creative, and I have an empire I want to build... and what I'm trying to do, I'm learning to tell myself that it's not impossible. I'm learning that even though my mother's presence in my life is only physical, I'll survive and get things done with or without her support. I'm learning it will not kill me to remain single for awhile longer. I'm reminding myself not to give up on true love, and that it's not foolish to still believe in it. I'm learning what its truly like to be abused by someone you love in the shadows and no one on the forefront know about it. I know the difference between love and abuse. I'm learning to forgive my body, and forgive those who think that my curves were only supplied by God for their sexual pleasures. I'm learning that its not ok to allow people to use me as a sexual object. I'm learning to forgive people who judge me by my appearance. Those who say "your face just looks angry no matter what". God gave me this face, and I'm learning that there's nothing wrong with it. Absolutely nothing. I'm more than what people try to force me to believe I am. So much more than that. And I'm learning to forgive those who don't want to know what it is, that makes me, me.

Because after the heart of the matter, all that truly matters is .... forgiveness.