Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Katy Perry Update: EMA 2008 Wrap Up

Almost like an MTV Katy Perry "Diary" episode...courtesy of Miss Perry herself...

You think you know, but you have no idear. from Katy Perry on Vimeo.

Monday, December 29, 2008

The Beginning of a Long 2009 List

I'm coming to the conclusion, that a part of why I've been feeling not so happy these days either is because I'm a "lister". I'm a "lister" who is not doing the act of "listing" out my agendas, ideas, etc.
At the end of 2007, when The New Jack first originated, I was all about listing what was necessary to do during 2008. I listed things I wanted to fix. Things I wanted to change. Things that should remain the same. Things that should be improved upon. Things to be achieved by year end, etc. I've been so bewildered by so many things going on that I haven't, in fact, listed shit.

....How productive.....

In order for 2009 to be as successful as 2008 was for me, I have to go about it the same way and stop already putting down the negative aura and saying "2009 is going to be an utter nightmare..". Wednesday is my last day at work this week before I embark upon "vacation" until the following Thursday. During these final days, I truly need to meditate, figure out plans for how I'm going to do things and list the shit out...just like I did, last year...

The list will begin with this, my quote to live by for 2009:

“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” - Hans Hofmann

New Jack Update: Trying to Improve for 2009

In a ball of confusion, as I try to implement new Dr.Quinn swag and still feeling some of the weight of being the only unsuccessful scholar I know, I've been doing some investigating...

These are on my mind, courtesy of Borders.com
The Fred Factor

You, Being Beautiful: the owner's manual to inner and outer beauty (featured on Oprah and Good Morning America)

Sunday, December 28, 2008

New Jack Update: Etsy.com

I am a real sap...
I like really, really cute things...like, not teletubbies, because that's just eerie but like...cute coal. Who the hell would think to make coal, cute? Etsy.com

I want to cover my depressing work desk with these things...it would probably make me smile more often at work...
..instead of planning to a way to be offered up as a human sacrifice...

Telephone Bot

Christmas Coal!!!

Gingerbread :)


New Jack Update: Cookie Phone Charm

This excites me....
I'm a gluttonous person, I'm OK with the truth...

Get one at ModCloth.com

Katy Perry Update: Thinking of You

Saturday, December 27, 2008

House of a Scholar-Singular Pronoun

"Year after year, twenty-something women come to New York City in
search of the two “L’s”: labels and love.Twenty years ago... I was one of
them. Having gotten the knack for labels early... I concentrated on my
search for love.Turns out, a “knock-off” is not as easy to spot when comes to love...Until it is.That is why you need help to spot them...... Lots of help.Year after year, my single
girlfriends were my salvation. And, as it turns out...... My meal ticket...
As for me, I was looking for something Big. Mr. Big. Turns out, when that big love comes along it's not always easy and despite all the other chapters of my life, no one was ever quite big enough. Until, just like that, I was. Three books and three years later, I managed to stay exactly where I was. In love"-Carrie Bradshaw as written by Michael Patrick King.

Sometimes, I want it to be my three years later.

Writing Success.
Living with The Significant.
No babies.

I know what I want. Sometimes I feel that I know what I want so much so that I know nothing at all. I can't express it because it's overwhelming me.
I'm an intelligent woman...
I get frustrated....

And, I feel like I'm slowly becoming a monster...

I've been wrapped up in a bitter state of affairs. Noting the success of so many others around me, as I feel I've been stagnant. For years. I have spent between 2003-2007 focusing on a college degree in which I acquired, and the period of time after that beginning this blog and then furthermore, finally acquiring my first salaried position. So, maybe I shouldn't phrase it as I haven't been doing "anything" but I feel as if, with the lack of success, that its a sign of me being stagnant.

Stagnant. It's almost as if being an Aries, I was born despising this word. It makes me feel like the true definition of a failure. In that mode, I can't sit down and count all the good that has come to me during 2008, instead at this time closest to 2009, where I should be planning for more good to come I sit and count all that I'm currently unhappy with.

I'm still not where I feel like I need to be career wise.

Monetary wise, I'm a walking joke, as I was denied the SUV I've been trying to get as a small reflection of the real iceberg.

I see people who hopped on my bandwagon SO quickly in devising a blog. Just for fuckery's sake. "Oh, it's a Thursday..I think I'm going to make a blog!". I actually had purpose, and I note the success above me when others may have had half the writing talent, and only a quarter of the drive. And in watching their success levels, and noting that I possess a significant amount more of talent, I can't help but boil over in anger. Some just have a cult for no reason...people that they call friends, but these are actually people that just worship them. Some are more talented in web design, html and those matters..so the things I've requested help for from so many people time and time and TIME again, they can do for themselves in 10 minutes or less. Me, being unknowledgeable of these skills I cannot do for myself in creating the true look for this blog that I've desired for so long, I've completely exhausted my resources and networks of people. But they always tell you, "if you want something done"..."do it your" goddamn "self".

Meanwhile this is going on, I'm being hacked mercilessly. Everything it seems I'm working so hard at, is failing, constantly. Everyone around me who is doing..."nothing" and not working as hard, as a FACT, is getting everything I need thrown into their laps.

Again, all these thoughts are turning me into a monster...

I'm trapped financially, career-wise, dream-wise...future wise. I can't even take the heat of watching everyone be oh so satisfied around me, while inside I'm screaming INCESSANTLY about so many things and NO ONE is taking notice. I'm not sure why I always have to draw a banner, or send up signal flares, or try to light my leg on fire for someone to notice something is UP. Simulataneously, I'm being used and abused by several friends who don't appreciate me or aren't grateful for what I do...

I've been locking myself away from so many of my friends..and drinking wine alone, becoming more callous by the day. I've been quite indulgent in retail therapy, which is the LAST thing I need, and either crying to The Significant or crying alone. Then there are nights where I don't cry at all because I pass out. Note: I shouldn't be consuming liquor as I am on thyroid medication...yeah, go team body!

The only thing I can say, is I hope 2009 is different.
I need, I thirst, I hunger for a change...but, the RIGHT change. I hunger for the stroke of success as I envision it in my head. I'm not sure how much more of this I can actually handle as I feel literally like I'm IN the "Disturbia" video.
To pardon my french, I just feel like I'm fucking losing it. Just fucking losing it.
I need things to continue to progress positively between The Significant and I; I need the writing success I thirst for to finally...arrive. This needs a little recognition. I need an SUV. I need an apartment. I need my parents to stop growing...along with my younger brother.
I need help.
I need love.

And with all that, maybe I'm just a never satisfied 22-year old just who just needs a man to "get me a really big closet".

Monday, December 22, 2008

House of a Scholar-Singular Pronoun

I know better.....
Some where, deep down, I feel like I know better...
But, I'm so bitter, so angry and feeling so underappreciated at this exact moment that despite knowing better..

I'm feeling like I know nothing..

More later...

Friday, December 19, 2008

Lady Gaga Update: WOW, Is that real?

This is Lady Gaga at Z100's Jingle Ball 2008, and all I'm going to do is pull a Perez Hilton and circle the topic of question:

Yep, that's real....

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Kim Kardashian Update: 2009 Calendar

You know you're going to buy this....even in a recession....

Dr. Quinn Swag

This all really began in my mind over a week ago but I wasnt too sure how to put things down..but Ive finally come into the explanation for how I'm feeling...

Last week conversing with a friend and even closer knit, the couain of my BFF things got slightly derailed. In good conversation and jokes about how trashed I got on Thanksgiving eve he brought up his opinions regrding what he feels is my levels of happiness with The Signifcant. Taken totally aback we definitely got into deeper things like the feelings I have for his BFF..which now I'm so turned off by everything in general I've felt the need to pull away entirely from both boys. While conversing with my co-worker I really finlly came up with the title for why I feel the way I do about..love,relationships and especially marriage.

I'm truly on my Doctor Quinn swag. I mean I might be 22 but I feel that I'm very old deep down. I find it hard to keep up with my younger brother.. and the term "get lite" and amongst other various things. I'll admit it, don't believe a woman should mow the lawn the same way don't expect my husband to be in the kitchen cooking.
Call me traditional.
Call me retarded.
Or call me an old bastard.

I'm coming into a stage that I'm notng that as traditional as i might be that there are so many men who aren't that way. I'm really starting to feel like if you're not helping me with a horse and carriage then I dont need you right now. Men and Women alike. I'm trying to get my 40 acres and a mule, since the men of the new millenium are not interested in that.
I'm getting caught up in so many surrounding dramas that are not mine. Keywords: not mine. I'm trying very hard not to start 2009 on the wrong foot. I've set up my 401k and have all my health/dental/vision set to begin on 1/1/2009.

In the TV series "Dr.Quinn Medicine Woman" , Dr. Quinn was always quick to help people but never neglected herself. She had her love life: Sully, the Native American and she had her two children and had the perfect balance between her job: as the town doctor and her home life..
Currently, I have no such balance. I'm scatterbrained. This only hypes up my stress levels higher and when you sprinkle health drama that never helps.
My plan for 2009 is truly to be on my Dr. Quinn swag. When I hear all the petty fights I've been in recently as well as ridiculous fights amongst my friends sans me, some have occured because others are being put before me. Its almost become my job, as if I'm the town doctor that seemingly everyone has been running to, and do I care to help? Of course I do..but then it becomes..comedic. When I overhear everyones 2009 plans for themselves and none of it involves me after so many things I've done for them..lets just say im learning the lesson again of being so selfless. But just like Dr. Quinn, you'll never see an episode with her hand outstretched and the other hand on her hip, while tapping a foot waiting for payment.
Now 2008 was an amazing year for me and I'm realizng the ticket to making 2009 the same way is that I have to truly map out my shit first then, help everyone else I care about as I HAVE more to offer not before...that's whats gotten me caught up. I'm taking the first week and two days of the New Year to get into the true mindframe. To be with everyone I care about and lay the plans down correctly. Finish fixing my credit. Use all the health services I'm paying for to get the best care and get my heath on as best track it can be. Get an SUV by early to mid summer. Finish using this stepping stone and step up into a position better tailored to my life... Get my waist back down to 26inches like it was when I was 18. Be way more financially stable and have more than $17 in my savings account but not less than $3500. Make moves into an apartment late 2009 into Nassau county so that I have my Long Island peace but its very easy to commute to the city for what will be a job in the city as well as my night and social life.

Something else I noted..have you ever seen Dr. Quinn angry? No, I didnt think so. In suit of the swag..I think it's time I started working on that part too....

Ne-Yo Update: Mad

I'm not on the hardcore Ne-Yo boat, I'll admit that...
However, even though "Miss Independent" was the ringtone of every hoodrat in Brooklyn as well as hearing the beat to "Closer" now gives me a striking headache, the two songs I actually love on this "Year of the Gentleman" album are "Fade Into the Background" and this one, "Mad"

112 Update: Slim featuring Ryan Leslie and Fabolous

R. Les...
Loso, in case you didn't know so...

I'm still stuck on Slim's first single, "So Fly", preferably with the opening of Jadakiss and the ending of Yung Joc. Here's the video for the second single, "Good Lovin'"

Monday, December 8, 2008

T.I Update: DJ Barak O'Drama?

You have to wonder, how obscenely HOOD can Black America get...

As per, Pristina Christina's concert update of T.I., there is a DJ named Barack O'Drama..
I'm so done with Black America, this is too sad...
Can Congress PLEASE pass a bill or something regarding UP-ing education??

T.I.P. clips courtesy of my doll, Pristina Christina :) I posted my faves, for more follow her!

What's Up, What's Happening

Whats Up, Whats Happening from Pristina Christina on Vimeo.

Why You Wanna

Why You Wanna from Pristina Christina on Vimeo.


Rubberband Man & 24z from Pristina Christina on Vimeo.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Rebounding From Being The Hurtee

Last week was a total blur and nightmare..that's why I havent updated.

My job drove me to such a brink of insanity all circling "Lost In Translation" and I even spent a good 3 days wondering if i should delete this blog entirely....

I felt like for this blog to not need translation and to be translated incorrectly on top of people not commenting the way I would like in terms of frequency and I'm STILL getting hacked altogether ..I just started to feel with all the stress, excuse my french but FUCK it.

I sat and stared at the "delete this blog" button.

I'm sick of things being so chopped and screwed for me...and I actually had to read Joshens advice multiple times being that he's the first to comment in a long time on any post. I was starting to do exactly as he instructed against. Lose.My.Mind.I didn't even want to get up some days last week. Inclusive of why I last minute ran away to an The Academy Is concert at Roseland ballroom..and called out the vey next day. Thanksgiving Eve I actually had to be carried into a cab and by the love of friends I was luckily transported from Williamsburg, Brooklyn to Penn Station in Manhattan.
Strictly by the love of friends...

This week you can imagine I was actually afriad to come to work..Literally afraid, with nervous stomach pains.

I was getting too used to being the "hurtee"...

New Jack Diction: "hurtee" (hurrr-teee): 1. receipiant of pain 2.selected individual who receives emotional pain from an attacker 3.emotional victim~syn: pain; see: sadness

Between work and slight communication issues with The Significant, and some other random happenings, especially one that could've involved a baby I was completely drained out. I just started to take the relaxed position and got used to being screamed at or blamed for something. And honestly, when you do that, it really starts to strip you down..

I started to lose sight of The Secret, and I'm remembering slowly you do have to be in control...you can't anticipate failure, and you certainly can't become comfortable with being the "hurtee". When everyone else realizes that they can then be the "hurter", they'll trample you completely...

...and last time I checked, there was no fun in being walked on....