Wednesday, September 22, 2010


My grandfathers both passed the Christmas of 1985, the year before I was born the April 1986. Therefore, of course, I never knew either of them..or what it was like to have a “grandpa”. The grandmother I did know passed away in 2004, week and a half before my sophomore year of college. Since then, I’ve always said without her wisdom and guidance I’ve been free-falling through my life. Trying insane stunts, getting arrested, racking up debt and practicing a lot of self loathing based on full absorption of others’ opinion of me.

I’ve felt like for awhile it just may always be that way. My parents are young..text messaging, Blackberry users, who DVR their favorite shows and wear the latest designs. Responsible? Absolutely and without question. Young? Indeed. I don’t find them lacking in knowledge, my fathers passion for accounting, Greek and Roman mythology and economics probably makes him the most intelligent person I know. My mother is more domestic and earthy, an artist skilled at every form from pottery to painting to pencil. She’s never been the type to speak to me much about…anything, especially life advice. I’ve had to either figure it out on my own or wait to hear some skewed version from a peer who was trying to make sense of their parents understanding themselves.

Enter my grandmother.

Always the voice of instruction and reason. Patient with my childhood hyper-activity and adolescent misunderstandings. My youthful frustration with boys, education and acne. Forthright with the importance of Jesus, and never ever temperamental. And since her death, to now the age of 24 I’ve just been walking through life without a plan just seeing where men, money and friends take me or how all three could betray me.

And yesterday, I met someone. Someone named Gloria. During and after speaking to Gloria I realized that I’ve had this outer experience only twice before in my life. The moment that I was told my grandmother died and when my name was called to accept my Bachelors degree. It’s a feeling that I’m not sure if my heart has stopped beating..but I’m aware that I’m having difficulty breathing. Despite the lack of air, I’m not panicked. It’s not the fear that one experiences when the brain registers that the person is undergoing suffocation, but an almost high so powerful that its the euphoria described that one feels when they’re near dead from drowning. She would touch my hand and my spine went numb, yet a tingle of electricity would go down the back of my legs making me almost certain that they would give out beneath me. She said things to me that God has been trying to get through to me but with the absence of a grandparent, she was the right vessel. I think of all that was said, and my heartbeat slows. I’m aware of it now. It calms me. The wild, erratic, angry behavior I’ve displayed from years of feeling displaced, I finally realize I’m not displaced anymore.

Maybe I really am right where I should be in life.

There is no concept of time..or of age. Neither matter because its already planned out according to a clock I can’t control. He’s working on it, if He hasn’t worked it out already. I’m so immersed in the pains of comparison of where I should be and what I should be doing and what I should have compared to others that of course I’m resentful. There is no concept of time..nor of age. There isn’t a proper age to graduate college, or buy a house or own your first car or have your first baby. These time restraints are developed not by God, but by that of society. Wrinkle creams and the market towards the prevention of aging hasn’t been praised that with age comes wisdom, but that with age comes ugly. In which, is entirely untrue. For all the wisdom that’s been bestowed upon me by those who only possess wrinkles, its just shown me that with age comes power. With age comes certainty and a beauty that none of us can draw on. She said more than once, “the more you look in the mirror the ugliest you become..we’re already blessed.” She’s right. I don’t possess my own house, or car and my checking account doesn’t have a comma, but it doesn’t take away from the beauty of who I am as a person. And I’ve worried, incessantly, over sunscreen and wrinkle cream serums and turning 25 in the Spring…and for what you ask? Because I don’t have “the” car, house, husband, baby, dog, walk-in closet, you-name-it. The bitterness is what’s made me ugly, and sitting in the mirror constantly agonizing over it all and how to create it from thin air. I’m 24, and I needed someone who’s lived to 74 to tell me that wrinkles aren’t the problem, getting ugly..not physically, but making your heart ugly is all that matters. That’s what you prevent. When people are mean, you don’t return the same “sentiment”, and you don’t hold a scoring board and measure your life up to others..AT ALL.

At the end of the day, you don’t do these things because He’s working on it, if not has worked out the plan for you already. Therefore there is no concept of time. Time and age don’t matter.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

September 2010. Aries Horoscope-Revisions and Reflections

Recent big plans or major moves that happened without careful analysis may be due for revision this month. Far-seeing Jupiter backs out of impulsive Aries on September 9 and will revisit imaginative Pisces until January 22 next year. It's a time to review new concepts and see if the ideas are matched by feelings. The wisdom of Jupiter in Pisces is intuitive, spiritual and imaginative, which is best received with reflection.

On September 8, the New Moon in Virgo spawns a fresh 28-day lunar cycle that's excellent for increasing efficiency and developing useful skills. Cerebral Mercury, Virgo's ruling planet, provides a boost as it turns direct on September 12, ending its three-week retrograde period when information flowed less freely. Contacts and conversations put on hold may finally begin again.

Reassessing relationships and financial matters shows up when evaluative Venus enters scrutinizing Scorpio on September 9. It's tempting to be cynical about love then since the romantic bloom tends to fade in this emotionally intense and discerning sign. Still, this is an opportunity to peer below the tranquil surface of partnerships to gauge the return on investment we get for sharing bodies, hearts and bank accounts with others.

Passions grow and desires deepen when Mars also enters intense Scorpio on September 14. The action planet's return to its watery home sign encourages persistent efforts that are not easily dissuaded. This is excellent for pushing through obstacles, but encourages some folks to continue pursuing activities that have outlived their usefulness. Still, fresh visions and original concepts blossom with a brilliant conjunction of philosophical Jupiter and innovative Uranus on September 18. The Sun's opposition to this ingenious pair kicks the need for freedom and freshness into a higher gear.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Here's the thing about ATTITUDE

Here's the thing about attitude. Your attitude belongs to you. Nobody can make you have a bad one, and nobody can make you have a good one.

Joyce Meyer, A Thankful Life 9/5/2010 telecast

Monday, September 6, 2010


"the lovers need to clear the road, because this thing is ready to blow..."-RIHANNA

Ive had a breakthrough, not the most positive one..but one that's self sustaining and with the person I'm dating now, the ALL STAR is all about reinforcing self sustenance. For starters I've realized what a true breakthrough is one that regardless of how it may hurt in the process..that you come out of it 150% ok. In the last week, I've truly come to grips with how much I'm affected by others opinions and actions and after this past week for the first time I've finally pushed past it. The all star and I had a dinner, outside, candlelit, gorgeous and in such a romantic setting we had such amazing conversation. The weight I put on peoples opinions, how much I believe it defines me, how I curb my feelings or desires in accordance with the opinion or action of another and most importantly how much my opinion doesn't hold any weight in my world. The combination of the 3 hour talk, reading ENERGY ADDICT 101, and missing my best friends 25th birthday party and the backlash that came as a complimentary gift....I've come to breakthrough a set of chains that's been set to my wrists since childhood.

My opinion is the only opinion of circumstance...

Point blank period. In practice of it this entire week there's been a freedom associated with it that I wish I wouldve not just come, but truly felt these conclusions earlier in my life. I've been a bomb that's exploded numerous times taking on the weight and opinions of others and everytime it gets to be too much I have to explode to remind people I'm not the one to be pestered.
It's ok though, that's what I've realized above all. It's sad to no longer consider so many people my "friend" but there's always a quote regarding that those who are true friends don't just pass through your life like a revolving door..they stick around for a lifetime. When things get rough for you they don't disappear out of your life because they don't want to be "too invested". When they aren't aware of the full story behind something or they're curious about a rumor they heard, they don't just sit there and absorb one side of the story; they come to you, their source to ask WHY something may be so.
It's been saddening, but eye opening and I can only thank GOD as much as it may hurt for bringing me to the light of reality probably before I got really hurt by these same people. People I invited into my home, etc. And what's nice is, I'm already moving forward. That's been apart of my "opinion epiphany". That something or some people aren't who you thought they were so accept it, drop it and move on. That's what I've done with both people and situations in the last week.

That's the significance of a bomb. That's the significance of an explosion, because all that stood in the way has been obliterated and cleared out. As damaging and horrific as it may seem at first, the aftermath is clean and clear. There's nothing laying around in the way left for the bomb to blow up and clear away...and you can rebuild and start anew. And that's what I'm looking forward to...

The clean path in front of me where more of the wrong people are removed from my life and the situations, though some hurtful and grave are always lessons learned nowadays. And seeing all of this, I don't think there are any bombs left to go off, just thank yous. Thanks to all of you who have shown your true colors finally so that I can be a stronger person and finally realize that neither your opinions or existence is anymore of concern to me...

Thursday, September 2, 2010

You cannot doubt yourself. Doubt is a killer. You just have to know who you are and what you stand for.
Jennifer Lopez, September 2010 Glamour Magazine US