Sunday, April 10, 2011

Becoming a Joyologist

I've been taking subtle peace in my surroundings.

It's been hard, especially being aware of all the things that have been against me in the last month, year and in my eyes, four years total. The year I started writing The New Jack was 2007-based on turmoil.

Changing your thinking, reinforcing positivity into your life is actual work. In four years, I've truly come to believe that. As someone who suffers from depression and have hit my lowest points of life, all reflected in this blog, positivity is not something that comes in the mail to you, for free, with no work on your behalf.

Turning 25 years old in only four days, everything that has happened to this point of my life has taken work or it's been the direct resultant of lack thereof. I have a huge fear of failure, and it's held me back from a lot for the last four years. Slowly and daily as I come into these realizations and work at the change of thinking, the other work becomes to not feel sorry for yourself. Realize all the time wasted and make plans and efforts now as to not waste anymore time in negativity.
I used to believe that becoming a socialite or holding a famous position would ultimately become the source of the joy that I've been seeking all along. None of those things are needed.
If you need an occupation that doesn't pay cash to fulfill your life, its to become a "joyologist".

Creating your own sense of joy, constantly with its upkeep requires work. It's not just 9-5, Monday through Friday. It's an all the time job. Sometimes, I falter with the work, but the thing is that I haven't been willing to commit to the position for all this time. I haven't been willing to do the 24/7 work involved. Yes, some things are truly beyond my control and my thoughts about it just might not be able to switch to positive ones. However, there are so many other thoughts, beliefs, out-loud sayings that all start with me and how I alter the universe around me. There are so many ways to look at one thing and I haven't been opening my mind, mouth or heart to some positive views on certain things.
And it all goes back to the fear of failure I've had since graduating college in 2007. I've realized in fear of failure, I've created an allergy to hard work within myself. Even if it's for my benefit.

I feel so empowered. So ready once again, to commit. I'm truly realizing more and more the depth, seriousness and reasoning behind my problems and I'm committing not to fear anymore but to work.
When you get hired, and receive a title you also commit to the job itself. So I'm committing to all these titles: daughter, best friend, sister, a one-time mother, niece, cousin, boutique owner, lover, worshiper and now, joyologist.

And though none of these positions pay cash, I've never felt so rich. It feels good to be employed again....

Friday, April 8, 2011

Gratitude List 4/8/11

I'm going to back track seeing as I haven't written anymore lists since 4/3 so here goes:

For finally seeing "Eat, Pray, Love"-the movie definitely opened my eyes significantly
For having the guts to put my foot down about the scenario with the All-Star-we're still communicating, we're still very in love, but I need to get my OWN stuff together for me and I also want to date around a little bit to make sure of my likes and dislikes. I don't think he's fully ready for a girlfriend either and instead of forcing this to work and creating animosity-let's casually date one another and others and see how it goes. If we're supposed to be together the way we want to be, things WILL come together.
For having my boutique, Shoes From Last Night-I've neglected it thoroughly in the last couple weeks stressing myself over things that I've elaborated on the most recent posts but I need to stop running from the idea that this boutique may not become anything and be grateful that when I need something TO DO I have a boutique that I can work on.
For my Blackberry still working. I haven't had enough money and/or job to buy a new phone and this Blackberry is in pieces and its STILL holding on. I'm so grateful, for if it would stop working tomorrow, I would be phone-less. Period. I have no funds to pay my bills, let alone replace a cell phone.
For focusing on gluing on individual eyelashes as I've seen in the salon and sticking with doing it until I did my first full fringe that can last up to two weeks. The salon I go to in Lindenhurst charges $25-$35 for the pairing done-the lashes themselves cost $3.50 and the glue another $7. So for $10, I can do what they do for me, FOR MYSELF all the time. Whenever I want. There's a triumph in doing something FOR YOURSELF.
For being 20-some odd pages away from finishing "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives" this book is SUCH an eye opener. I've seen so much of MY faults in this book and reasoning's behind them and I don't feel SORRY for myself. Instead, I've cried it all out and have been acknowledging my faults and where there is room for improvement and one step at a time I'm making more conscious decisions in my love life and as a woman on a whole. I'm taking pride in accomplishing things for myself and not having a relationship define my worth.
For the event, that selected my boutique to be a part of it on May 1st in Manhattan. If I really get everything together, this could be a real jump off point for my boutique.
For spending two days at the All-Star's house...just cuddling with a dog. I used to loathe dogs...and his dog is the smallest, fluffiest, sweetest thing...its almost like having a fluffy baby. After defining the terms with the All-Star, it was a little morose at first, lots of tears, but the way our relationship-friendship and love is, every thing is fine. The boundaries are in effect and nothing has deteriorated and when I did feel sad about it I was just grateful to have someone to cuddle with. That dog did the trick.
For the All-Star's kitchen, allowing me the space to cook two days this week. Even if it was only twice it was so nice to turn up the radio and just focus on making the meal itself and really get into it.

There we to work on

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Trying Something-Gratitude List 4/3/11

After multiple, multiple, multiple meltdowns over the last two months, increasing in depression especially over the last three weeks-I'm trying something.
I have no solutions to any of my problems and the feelings remain the same as they have since November that I would really like to die. I still don't see a purpose or reason why I exist except to suffer.
So figuring I have no solutions, my best friend suggested I try something just for her. Whether I like it, agree with it, motivated or not and no matter how minuscule. She wants me to take 10 minutes of each day and write a gratitude list. Even if the things on there seem silly, just to try it out seeing as I can't mark it a "failure" if I haven't even tried it yet.

I do feel a little bit foolish because I just want to die. I just don't get anything and would rather be done with "life". But for her sake, I'm just going to try this no matter how dumb I may feel.

Today's gratitude list-4/3/11
Today I'm grateful for the following: my hello kitty robe from her because the heating in my bedroom was off and the robe provided INSTANT warmth, my multi-vitamins that taste disgusting but somehow make me feel physically stronger on the days I do take them, being able to write a check from my account for offering/tithe for church even though approximately $1.58 will be in my account once the check clears on Wednesday, the sun coming through my skylight because rainy days make me feel down and causes the roof to leak, the availability to nap after breakfast as depression has made me an insomniac and I'm exhausted in the mornings...or rather all the time including right now, for the manicure my best friend paid for yesterday-i originally turned it down but she insisted and every time I look at my hands I feel a bit prettier, for the chicken dinner I'm currently consuming as breakfast cause there's nothing else around but at least its a meal.

That's all I can think of in this moment. Don't feel any different but I did it.