Sunday, April 10, 2011

Becoming a Joyologist

I've been taking subtle peace in my surroundings.

It's been hard, especially being aware of all the things that have been against me in the last month, year and in my eyes, four years total. The year I started writing The New Jack was 2007-based on turmoil.

Changing your thinking, reinforcing positivity into your life is actual work. In four years, I've truly come to believe that. As someone who suffers from depression and have hit my lowest points of life, all reflected in this blog, positivity is not something that comes in the mail to you, for free, with no work on your behalf.

Turning 25 years old in only four days, everything that has happened to this point of my life has taken work or it's been the direct resultant of lack thereof. I have a huge fear of failure, and it's held me back from a lot for the last four years. Slowly and daily as I come into these realizations and work at the change of thinking, the other work becomes to not feel sorry for yourself. Realize all the time wasted and make plans and efforts now as to not waste anymore time in negativity.
I used to believe that becoming a socialite or holding a famous position would ultimately become the source of the joy that I've been seeking all along. None of those things are needed.
If you need an occupation that doesn't pay cash to fulfill your life, its to become a "joyologist".

Creating your own sense of joy, constantly with its upkeep requires work. It's not just 9-5, Monday through Friday. It's an all the time job. Sometimes, I falter with the work, but the thing is that I haven't been willing to commit to the position for all this time. I haven't been willing to do the 24/7 work involved. Yes, some things are truly beyond my control and my thoughts about it just might not be able to switch to positive ones. However, there are so many other thoughts, beliefs, out-loud sayings that all start with me and how I alter the universe around me. There are so many ways to look at one thing and I haven't been opening my mind, mouth or heart to some positive views on certain things.
And it all goes back to the fear of failure I've had since graduating college in 2007. I've realized in fear of failure, I've created an allergy to hard work within myself. Even if it's for my benefit.

I feel so empowered. So ready once again, to commit. I'm truly realizing more and more the depth, seriousness and reasoning behind my problems and I'm committing not to fear anymore but to work.
When you get hired, and receive a title you also commit to the job itself. So I'm committing to all these titles: daughter, best friend, sister, a one-time mother, niece, cousin, boutique owner, lover, worshiper and now, joyologist.

And though none of these positions pay cash, I've never felt so rich. It feels good to be employed again....


Anonymous said...

I went to post a comment but it disappeared after I hit "publish"... ??

Anonymous said...

Okay, the intial frustration over losing 4,000+ characters has passed. So lets give this another try. I am going to split it into two parts so that way it will be sure to post...

Upon reading your first "Gratitude" list I was a little concerned. It seemed as if you were depleting any chance of garnering a positive outlook by engaging in negative counter reasoning. I was happy to see that your last few entries have been more focused on exploring positive affirmations.

Every standing body of water be it a pond, lake, or ocean, has a shallow shelf which over distance gives way to deeper fathoms. The mind works in much the same fashion. During adolescence we wade through the shallows as we learn to navigate this world which surrounds us. Ignorant to the presence of potential pitfalls, our eyes stay fixated upon the promise of the horizon & we slosh blindly forward. Every so often the result is a miss-step made, wherein our footing comes into contact with a sharp object, resulting in our recoiling in pain. We must first experience this anguish & come to understand its cause before ever knowing to be vigilant of our footing, lest it go awry. For most of us, we grow into adulthood & slowly venture outwards to explore the depths, shedding the limitations of youth. As I said, most of us.

Unfortunately some never progress beyond these marshes. Theirs is a life rife with the pursuit of instant gratifications & riddled with reverse definitions. I have a job that others want; I have standing. People always comment on my beauty; I have value. Money allows me to purchase my every material whim; I am fulfilled. My expensive car makes others envious; I am better than they.

Anonymous said...

Such people shall always appear ahead in the short term but because they never extend their reasoning’s beyond the limitations of said shallows, they are ill prepared for the day that job shall end; the week that their outer beauty begins to fade; the month that the conclusion finally dawns that material excess does not equal character but surely exposes the lack thereof; or the year that their fancy Mercedes is hitched to a truck, towed to a yard & left to rust in the elements alongside an "inferior" Hyundai. What have they truly obtained over time other than short term satisfactions?

Previously I briefly touched on my own struggles & venture in the depths of my being. For me this meant no longer worrying about what others determined to be a worthy job. I chose employment in a situation I felt comfortable & through hard work, pride & dedication to my craft, reversed the course so that my job no longer defines me; it is I who define my job.

I came to the realization that superficial beauty doth fade & as we age our countenance becomes a mirror of our soul. Now I admit to still keeping up with my appearance but I do so to my own liking; no longer worrying if I measure up to anthers ideal of attractiveness. Meet a person; shake their hand, share a conversation...Their inner beauty will shine apparent, just as will their dearth of such. How many times have you seen a guy & thought he was handsome only to lose interest once you conversed with him? How many times have you experienced the reverse?

I congratulate the person who spends in excess of $60k on a luxury sedan, for they are ensured a comfortable ride but as the true purpose of any vehicle is to simply facilitate you reaching your chosen destination; I'd much rather spend a third of that cost on a Subaru & use the remaining monies to further pursuits which will continue to pay dividends long after their Jaguar has become a yellowed picture in the book of memory.

I discovered that material trappings are fleeting, so I focused my attentions on fostering the love that exists within the four walls of my home, not on its square footage, position on the hill nor the price of its furnishings. Leave it to the Joneses to worry about the building of tennis courts in order to keep up with each other. For me it is the continual building upon the foundation of my family & sharing in the joy of their achievements that has allowed me to reach the actualization of blessed.

With my change in outlook arrived a deviation in what I considered goal worthy. These days I merely seek to go to bed each night having learned something new of the world & wake up every morning a better man for having done so. Now these are my words & my goals, I would never attempt to push them upon you. It is my hope that in time you are able to come to appreciate yourself for the beauty you hold within & that somewhere along your path you become the peacefulness you long for.