I've been taking subtle peace in my surroundings.
It's been hard, especially being aware of all the things that have been against me in the last month, year and in my eyes, four years total. The year I started writing The New Jack was 2007-based on turmoil.
Changing your thinking, reinforcing positivity into your life is actual work. In four years, I've truly come to believe that. As someone who suffers from depression and have hit my lowest points of life, all reflected in this blog, positivity is not something that comes in the mail to you, for free, with no work on your behalf.
Turning 25 years old in only four days, everything that has happened to this point of my life has taken work or it's been the direct resultant of lack thereof. I have a huge fear of failure, and it's held me back from a lot for the last four years. Slowly and daily as I come into these realizations and work at the change of thinking, the other work becomes to not feel sorry for yourself. Realize all the time wasted and make plans and efforts now as to not waste anymore time in negativity.
I used to believe that becoming a socialite or holding a famous position would ultimately become the source of the joy that I've been seeking all along. None of those things are needed.
If you need an occupation that doesn't pay cash to fulfill your life, its to become a "joyologist".
Creating your own sense of joy, constantly with its upkeep requires work. It's not just 9-5, Monday through Friday. It's an all the time job. Sometimes, I falter with the work, but the thing is that I haven't been willing to commit to the position for all this time. I haven't been willing to do the 24/7 work involved. Yes, some things are truly beyond my control and my thoughts about it just might not be able to switch to positive ones. However, there are so many other thoughts, beliefs, out-loud sayings that all start with me and how I alter the universe around me. There are so many ways to look at one thing and I haven't been opening my mind, mouth or heart to some positive views on certain things.
And it all goes back to the fear of failure I've had since graduating college in 2007. I've realized in fear of failure, I've created an allergy to hard work within myself. Even if it's for my benefit.
I feel so empowered. So ready once again, to commit. I'm truly realizing more and more the depth, seriousness and reasoning behind my problems and I'm committing not to fear anymore but to work.
When you get hired, and receive a title you also commit to the job itself. So I'm committing to all these titles: daughter, best friend, sister, a one-time mother, niece, cousin, boutique owner, lover, worshiper and now, joyologist.
And though none of these positions pay cash, I've never felt so rich. It feels good to be employed again....