After multiple, multiple, multiple meltdowns over the last two months, increasing in depression especially over the last three weeks-I'm trying something.
I have no solutions to any of my problems and the feelings remain the same as they have since November that I would really like to die. I still don't see a purpose or reason why I exist except to suffer.
So figuring I have no solutions, my best friend suggested I try something just for her. Whether I like it, agree with it, motivated or not and no matter how minuscule. She wants me to take 10 minutes of each day and write a gratitude list. Even if the things on there seem silly, just to try it out seeing as I can't mark it a "failure" if I haven't even tried it yet.
I do feel a little bit foolish because I just want to die. I just don't get anything and would rather be done with "life". But for her sake, I'm just going to try this no matter how dumb I may feel.
Today's gratitude list-4/3/11
Today I'm grateful for the following: my hello kitty robe from her because the heating in my bedroom was off and the robe provided INSTANT warmth, my multi-vitamins that taste disgusting but somehow make me feel physically stronger on the days I do take them, being able to write a check from my account for offering/tithe for church even though approximately $1.58 will be in my account once the check clears on Wednesday, the sun coming through my skylight because rainy days make me feel down and causes the roof to leak, the availability to nap after breakfast as depression has made me an insomniac and I'm exhausted in the mornings...or rather all the time including right now, for the manicure my best friend paid for yesterday-i originally turned it down but she insisted and every time I look at my hands I feel a bit prettier, for the chicken dinner I'm currently consuming as breakfast cause there's nothing else around but at least its a meal.
That's all I can think of in this moment. Don't feel any different but I did it.