I have a lake I sit at, in the town of Babylon. Its actually located at Babylon's Long Island Railroad stop. The entire span of the lake is covered in lights. Its quite the view all the time, even when the lights are not activated during the daytime.
Surrounding the lake are enormous, rich houses and of course more ducks than anyone can imagine. I come here all the time. I mean, all the time. Its the one place I feel as if I can actually figure things out.
I'm wondering about the light within myself.
As I've been reading "10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives", and acknowledging that the source of my feelings is lack of dreams and low self-esteem. I'm starting to analyze everything and truly wonder if its not that I don't have dreams, but if the dreams I possess are actually not achievable. From the roadblocks that I constantly experience in relationships, when the dream is to settle down already to the e-boutique I started nearly two years ago and has slightly picked up but I'm not sure what it can actually become. Do I want it to become a full scale boutique where I have inventory and the whole nine yards? Where in the hell would I get the money to finance such a thing. Its not that I don't have the dreams its just I see no way of them coming to pass so I start to see them as pointless even though I still want them. I want to move out to Nassau county so badly, get a small condo and start paying it off to own it.
I don't even have a job. I don't even have a car.
I want to learn about wines, and have my own cellar of exotic types. I want to learn this year how to become a good cook and practice making great dinners for company I wish to entertain or a man that might come into my life as a significant other. I don't have my own kitchen or space to operate as such. Let alone the funds to be spending on a list of ingredients to "try" something out, my current life due to unemployment is the definition of frugal. So, I make what "works" and never try to make anything different. Wondering so much about all these things and looking at the light of the lake, it makes me ask when is my own inner light going to shine?
Do I have to reevaluate the dreams and change them so that I can actually achieve something and build up my feelings about my worth in this world? Or do I continue with the ones I have and pray that the light that represents them now that is dim will soon brighten with persistence?
I don't know what all of the lights are, where they are, if I possess too many lights that I haven't turned on or if its that I have none at all.