Thursday, March 31, 2011

All of the Lights

I have a lake I sit at, in the town of Babylon. Its actually located at Babylon's Long Island Railroad stop. The entire span of the lake is covered in lights. Its quite the view all the time, even when the lights are not activated during the daytime.

Surrounding the lake are enormous, rich houses and of course more ducks than anyone can imagine. I come here all the time. I mean, all the time. Its the one place I feel as if I can actually figure things out.
I'm wondering about the light within myself.

As I've been reading "10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives", and acknowledging that the source of my feelings is lack of dreams and low self-esteem. I'm starting to analyze everything and truly wonder if its not that I don't have dreams, but if the dreams I possess are actually not achievable. From the roadblocks that I constantly experience in relationships, when the dream is to settle down already to the e-boutique I started nearly two years ago and has slightly picked up but I'm not sure what it can actually become. Do I want it to become a full scale boutique where I have inventory and the whole nine yards? Where in the hell would I get the money to finance such a thing. Its not that I don't have the dreams its just I see no way of them coming to pass so I start to see them as pointless even though I still want them. I want to move out to Nassau county so badly, get a small condo and start paying it off to own it.

I don't even have a job. I don't even have a car.

I want to learn about wines, and have my own cellar of exotic types. I want to learn this year how to become a good cook and practice making great dinners for company I wish to entertain or a man that might come into my life as a significant other. I don't have my own kitchen or space to operate as such. Let alone the funds to be spending on a list of ingredients to "try" something out, my current life due to unemployment is the definition of frugal. So, I make what "works" and never try to make anything different. Wondering so much about all these things and looking at the light of the lake, it makes me ask when is my own inner light going to shine?

Do I have to reevaluate the dreams and change them so that I can actually achieve something and build up my feelings about my worth in this world? Or do I continue with the ones I have and pray that the light that represents them now that is dim will soon brighten with persistence?
I don't know what all of the lights are, where they are, if I possess too many lights that I haven't turned on or if its that I have none at all.


Anonymous said...

You wouldn't by chance be discussing Argyle Lake, would you? Many moons ago, I dated a woman who lived in Amityville. During my travels back & forth I was able to glean a tiny bit of knowledge about the surrounding areas.

Because of the content I made sure to re-read this latest post several times over before considering my reply & committing myself to words. Please correct me if you find me to be off base in my deductions.

You hold many aspirations yet feel trapped by circumstance. Because of this you have subconsciously imposed barriers thereby limiting your ability to grow into your potential (& Trust me...In the short time I have been here, it is easily apparent that you carry within yourself more than most of us can ever imagine). I'm not entirely sure if this is a pre-emptive move to prevent experiencing the pain of failure, or, if it is more related to the matter that you for so long allowed your relationships with others to determine your self worth that the end result was you lowering your ceiling to match... Perhaps it's a combination of both? Overall, my mind keeps returning to the feeling that you have gotten yourself caught up in that old idiom of "failing to see the forest for the trees".

I was unable to post this in one reply due to it's length (lol!) so I had to break it up into two pieces, the rest to follow.

Anonymous said...

I would like you to indulge me for a moment, if I may & try to visualize life laid out before you as a long winding path through the woods. Each straight section is the physical representation of a stage in your development. While each bend or blind corner you encounter is the manifestation of a transitional period, complete with an obstacle which must be overcome before you can move onto the next phase... Can you see it?

Now insert yourself into this scenario standing at the entry of such a blind corner, whereas in the past you have already encountered & have over come, waist deep mud & forded a swollen river; this particular bends tribulation is a seemingly insurmountable overgrown thicket of brambles & thorny brush. You have arrested your momentum while deciding your next move & have come to the conclusion that at this point there are only four courses of action which you can make; which do you choose?

Do you sit & do nothing, thereby allowing your life to grow stagnant & stale until you cease to exist?

Do you turn around and retreat the way you came? If so why? Those are well read stories, their thrills & ills able to recited chapter & verse.

Do you try to circumvent the obstacle? Life is too smart for that & shall continue to erect that barrier before you wherever you go, until you defeat it.

Do you steel your nerves against the foreknowledge that they will scratch & burn like hell, partake in a few deep breathes...put your hands before your face & push onwards?

I always find that when you break it down into such a type of context, the answer is obvious.

Take for example the main worries you’ve mentioned.

The lack of a job is definitely disheartening but if we can not find work in our chosen profession then sometimes we have no choice but to humble ourselves temporarily & work a job which we may feel is beneath us until we find one more suited to our skills or liking. On the negative side you work a job you hate… But as a BIG positive you are back to earning a paycheck which does wonders for your self worth.

The lack of a car is a major mobility constraint but in the day of $4 a gallon, you are saving a ton of money on gas & insurance. Not to mention that there are plenty of modes of public transportation which can get you where you need to go, it may take longer & may not allow you the same level of freedom but it will get you there... - I take the train everyday to my job. -

The absence of a kitchen is limiting but there are plenty of cooking classes you can sign up for which do not cost much in terms of money & still allow you to broaden your horizons.

The same goes for your desire to learn wines; There is always some vineyard or restaurant which is holding a wine tasting. This is a relatively cost effective way to go about accomplishing your goal.

In the end, utilizing the same imagery as you did. I have come to the conclusion that you are very much an evening version of the lake which you've described - Fluid and ever changing, each encounter leaving ripples in its wake. The lights - These function as your fears & insecurities, beacons from the unknown...casting reflections of themselves upon your visage, intent on drawing the eye away from the apparent beauty to behold within that which it shadows. The ducks - These are your aspirations; innumerable & out beyond the limitations of that which the light can see, their vibrant calls echoing across your span. Now all that remains is for you to get them to line up into a row