Saturday, May 22, 2010
But I'm presenting myself with the ultimatum of "go hard, or stay fat".
Which is in part an explanation as I loathe authority and hierarchy structures. I've done not too well in strict corporate structures we'll say, especially if you read this blog during early 2009, that's evident.
I had a really good conversation with the All-Star in the car with him on his way to work, where we discussed our similarities but he vividly pointed out that there is a severe overuse of the term "can't" in my vocabulary. I was explaining to him that I've always been that superstar academic student where there's theory on what people can and can't do based on statistics and probabilities. It's interesting that he was always the exact opposite, and he's done everything in his life going completely against probability and theory so therefore in his mind there is truly nothing he cannot conquer. He feels this way especially if he watches someone do it a matter of one time. Me personally analyzing him, this comes from in part that he's been trained in martial arts since being a kid...I always wind up with a man that's some form of athlete and athletes practically have "discipline" as their middle names. Maybe it's my turn to do the same.
I used to do Tae-Bo twice a day in high school and early college...
I mean, men and women alike were obsessed with my body and that's when my body looked more like this:
My measurements at that time were about 38-26-40...
Between my hypothyroidism, lots of McDonalds and enough alcohol to satisfy all of Ireland my measurements now are exactly: 38.5-33-43
So I think most of us can do the math and say the majority of the weight gained has been in my waistline. Not cool....7 whole inches.
I'm a little bit anxious and nervous about this physical portion. I think I'm used to mental strife and pain, but physical pain is something I usually never have to endure..I have approximately 9 days before I begin making a successful real estate career for myself. June 1st will be my start date. Today, May 22nd, I'm going to begin a 7-day detox kit from GNC while cleaning up my bedroom with Tristan.
You can't get anything done in clutter....
So let's start by removing the clutter surrounding me and inside me at the same time.
2 birds, 1 detox.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
"You can get more with a spoonful of honey, than you will with a spoonful of vinegar". That quote has always stuck with me. I may not practice it, but since I heard it from him a whole 3 months ago, it's stuck with me.
I got into an altercation with the All-Star on the account of my overuse of vinegar. It's something he cautions me about, and has mentioned that I've used vinegar towards him and poured them over open wounds, if you will. I love him more than anything, I would never intentionally do anything to even remotely make him sneeze if I knew that were uncomfortable for him, let alone purposely hurt his feelings.
I've been spoken to...well too many a time by multiple people about my "vinegar" use. I really try to convey a point and in my mind, the thought isn't being absorbed by that person so I have a horrible tendency to hurt them in efforts to get my thought to sink in. I called Tristan because hey, he's the person I heard the quote from in the first place and he put a lot of things in perspective for me.
I really need to slow down and process EXACTLY what I'm trying to say. I've been doing an excellent job as of late specifically, and I'm proud of myself..however, what I need to work on now is that when I'm speaking even MORE so to people that I love i.e.: my best friend Linette, All-Star, etc. I'm not in combat.
They love me, and I love them.
Even if I feel that they aren't understanding my point, and though I do get frustrated RATHER quickly with repeating myself I have to slow down and think of an alternative way to phrase what I'm trying to say to them. If I can practice that more and more with the people I love, it'll make it easier for me to handle those who are strangers.....especially, those who will be my future co-workers.
The All-Star repeatedly said to me last night, "I'll do anything, I'll give you anything because it's you..it's not what you ask me for, it's how you ask me for it"
You'd think I'd have this concept of how to say something "not so nice" down from a long time ago.
I mean, Mary Poppins only raised us all on "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.."
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The most common symptoms of hypothyroidism include fatigue, which is unbearable and no amount of sleep can eliminate it, depression and weight gain, however, some of the other most common symptoms that occur include: anxiety, constipation, forgetfulness/short-term memory loss, irritability, and myalgias or arthralgias, but other frequent symptoms may include listlessness, intolerance to cold, heart palpitations, cold hands and feet, accentuation of allergies, menstrual irregularities, vascular headaches, premature gray hair, slow pulse and reflexes, flaky dry rough skin, puffiness of face and eyes, unsuccessful dieting, coarse lifeless hair that falls out easily, nervousness, premenstrual syndrome, loss of sexual desire, high cholesterol, muscle and joint pain, and weakness."
I can tell anyone outright exactly which of these I suffer from:
Loss of sexual desire
Fatigue times 1 million
Ice cold hands & feet/ Constant intolerance to cold
depression/horrible mood swings
I've been doing a lot of prayer as I learn more and more about my thyroid condition. I hope to as I learn, further educate those very close to me so that they too can understand what I feel physically and mentally due to hypothyroidism. I used to get very, very angry because I don't feel in control of what I feel. I realized that the majority of the time when I would experience symptoms of depression and horrible mood swings, there was NOTHING actually wrong to spark the feelings. The fact that I couldn't control the feelings used to make me feel helpless and SUPER angry...but now, with education and faith in Jesus, I may not be able to control it..but He can. This has been effective in reducing my stress and anger levels significantly and I feel so much better.
Physically and mentally, it's a working progress...but all that really matters, is that it's working...
Friday, May 14, 2010
No questions asked, I'm in love.
And the difference here is that, this time around...it's realistic.
He's in love with me too.
The same exact feelings of an honest love...so honest, that sometimes it scares me.
And sometimes, it scares him too.
Something so real and raw, that I truly cannot put it on paper, or on a computer screen...the only two people who can see it is him and I.
And when I'm with him, the world shuts down.
It's something pure...and beautiful..that there's no need for words a lot of the time.
It's in the eyes.
It's in his kisses to my forehead.
It's in the silence.
It's in the noise of our conversation.
It's in hand holds, lip-locks, pushes and hugs.
It's in the air of lost words I'm trying to grab at to explain to you the beauty of what I feel for him and what he feels for me.
But that's just it, it's lost words. There are no words for what we have. I just wish everyone could see it and at the same time, I'm glad that no one can...because it's just ours.
It belongs to him. It belongs to me and with no outside interference, it's sacred.
"And if you ask me..I'm ready"
Thursday, May 13, 2010
This baby is only 6 months old. She wears the tiniest glasses ever and came in to my current place of employment a week ago.
My eye doctor was explaining to me that she doesn't swat the glasses off of her face because at 6 months, she can tell the difference in clarity of what she's seeing with and without the glasses.
To many people, 24 years old is really young..and I personally have always had a thing about age where I feel like 24 is actually quite old. I feel as if there's a list of things I should've already done, accomplished, planned for, conquered by this age and it bothers me when I look at it all and see that I haven't. My mind is always ticking, however, being 24 for only 4 weeks now it seemed as if the minute April 14th hit the adult thoughts just started to kick into an extreme overdrive. I really, really want my own apartment again. I really want steady, mass amounts of money so that I can be just beyond comfortable sustaining myself in my OWN of everything and still be able to save money for a rainy day.
Being as my last day at my retail job is...tomorrow, and I wont be having such a guaranteed money flow I'm analyzing the frivolous things I spend money on. I never thought I'd catch myself saying this but as much as I LOVE my friends, alcohol is not a necessity. It's a leisure..and if you have good money to support such a luxury then by all means, drink till you're under the table. I'm not financially stable enough to support such a luxury and I shouldn't be going out partying as if I do. I could be using that money to pay my phone bill, or my debt to my college or just put it down for a rainy day. Even furthermore, not that I should be drinking anyway, I have a thyroid disorder. I'm trying to get my physical self together in terms of dealing with it while I'm young because though this is apart of my life, for the rest of my life I don't want when I'm older its debilitating. Once we're older, we cannot go back and fix that damage.
I'm realizing that my views on everything are steadily changing....more and more, each day...
If I'm grateful to the Lord for my body, for life, then why am I destroying it? Why am I spending money I don't have in order TO destroy it? These are some of the thoughts that are starting to roll in constant circulation in my mind these days. I haven't had a car in approximately 6 months and it's been far from easy living on Long Island with no car. I should be investing my energy into that. I don't have an established career. I'm ashamed of that fact. I need to be living in my own place again so my parents can actually have, theirs. As I'm redirecting my views, I'm redirecting my focus.
But vision is all solely based on the eye of the beholder.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
First things first, I'm really pleased to see that a mainstream artist besides a Jamaican dance hall artist is shooting a video in Jamaica. Even though the video pushes the stereotype that us as Jamaican people are notorious for gun-slinging and weed smoking, one step at a time I guess...
There's SO much, much more to Jamaica than that. Even the towns, and the look of Jamaica....but, one step at a time.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; for it becomes your destiny. ~ Upanishads
Today, is one of those days where I'm truly feeling at peace. Like, it's when your faith falters is when you lose sight of all the things you do have and that’s what I’m slowly starting to realize. People have always said that to me, “Be grateful” and I hate to say that as old as I am, I never fully realized the concept of it. I always thought I was a “grateful” person..really, I did. Lately, while I’ve been on this detox I’ve been slowing down and just looking at things.
In the beginning, I noticed that I wasn’t being grateful. I was very annoyed at everything, I mean absolutely everything. If I was damn near ordering McDonalds the questions in my mind would be things such as “Is it really that hard to hear the words ‘sweet & sour sauce’ versus ‘barbecue’? “ I realized that I’d get so annoyed. I was annoyed to a point as if someone took something from me, or did something that would drastically ruin my day. As opposed to saying to myself, “I know what it’s like to not have a job for nearly 9 months and being able to afford McDonalds was like buying gold.” Despite the fact that I heavily dislike my retail job, and just quit, I started to get comfortable again with just because I was having some form of flowing, guaranteed money that I deserved things to come to me within a certain time and space.
But I guess, lately, I’ve been “watching my character”. I had lost a lot of faith in God and Jesus and the sort, and now, I’ve been slowly feeling more connected than I ever have been before. I’m interrupting myself to say a word of thanks, gratitude or praise. It’s been lending such comfort, and I never saw how much it could. When you really start to tally up the things you do have, and acknowledge that things would be 700 times worse if you didn’t have these things..it spins the perspective so heavily. It’s the money to buy Starbucks, when children can’t even afford clean water. What did I do to deserve being so lucky? So fortunate? Tomorrow, I’m donating around $400 in clothes and shoes, to start, to the OCRF: Ovarian Cancer Research Fund. I feel like, I’ve been so blessed as to not come down with such a fatal illness that my mother’s aunt passed away of recently that I need to give something that would bring a smile to the women who do have it. I want them to have nice things, and feel beautiful and I’ve been so fortunate to have so much money to spend on clothing that I do need to share some of what I have.
I need to spread love.
Watching my character is becoming more and more apart of my day-to-day life. I'm trying so much harder to think before I speak, and think before I react.
The more you practice something, the easier it DOES become. Practicing gratitude I'm truly realizing is the best habit one can have.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
"The people we are in relationship withI'm aware that us as humans, especially those who are not "spiritually awakened" have a harsh tendency to judge one another. Yes, it is indeed human nature and we judge one another strictly out of fear.
are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs,
and simultaneously we are mirrors, reflecting their beliefs.
So... relationship is one of the most powerful tools for growth....
If we look honestly at our relationships,
we can see so much about how we have created them."~ Shakti Gawain ~
Doesn't the phrase kind of go, "Don't judge a book by its' cover"?
....correct me if I'm wrong....
We close off our minds, categorize and distort what we don't know all because of one main cause, fear. A lot of people automatically hear that and figure, "there's nothing that I'm afraid of so what the fuck is she talking about?" But that's just it, it's unconscious fear of things that are different, new or confusing to us.
The key is to realize that yes, there can be clear and present danger...if a person is approaching you dead on with a knife in their hand, I wouldn't suggest that one post up and test what will happen. On the flip side of it, if you believe that Jesus is your savior (as I do), then you may feel fear in your heart but not move as it is is quoted, "He orders your footsteps". I just wish that we as a people, were more accepting.
I'm crossing situations between work and home where some of the judgments that I'm hearing passed from one person to another are just not even RELEVANT. It's truly, truly getting under my skin.
If you don't truly know someone, or have met them a total of two times...don't judge. Even if you see someone on the street, don't size them up. We all don't know the truth behind each others' situations, or how we've come to be what we are now. Only one does, and that's God.
Of course, these practices are more easily said, than done.......but if judgment is so based on fear..
What's the point in practicing the art of being a scaredy-cat?
Monday, May 3, 2010
It may seem foolish to many, however, this is my favorite R&B song...ever.
I literally remember being in a car being driven around Brooklyn staring at a full moon was the first time I ever heard this song. Even furthermore, it just seems like I have a knack for winding up with the men who are split in halves....
The side that everyone else knows and sees regularly and then the side that I usually have to tell people that they don't know about this here...
It's far from the nicest position to be in when you want everyone to know the good of a person and that same person only insists on showing off the bad. And so, you wind up in the position of still having to explain and half argue to everyone that they don't know.
What I've realized though, is that a man can drive you to a point of no return that makes you inquire....
Do I know?
I'm insisting that they don't know, but do I really know?
In my last relationship, I couldn't have been proven more wrong about anything...
Because, they did know and I didn't have a clue..