Thursday, April 29, 2010

Thank Me Later


I truly think that just may be God's motto. There are things that we try to do, try to handle, try to control and most of us, after awhile kind of realize that they are only partially in our control. If He "orders our footsteps", then it should mean that where we are right exactly where we should be. When we finally come to terms with that, He's probably saying to us "It's cool...thank me later".

This detox has been...a whirlwind.

It's gotten so deep and so raw that I was a millimeter off from quitting the entire thing altogether. I was about to have a true breakdown. I opened up to my best friend, truly not even believing that I could express what I've been feeling to anyone and it make sense. I was even questioning my belief in God during this detox.
"It's like I know what I've got to say...but I don't know how to say you."{ -Drake} That's literally how I felt sitting with her in my mother's car a couple days ago. I hadn't seen her since my interesting party bus that took place near two weeks ago. I barely responded to her text messages, or to anyone for that matter. I truly cut myself off. I did feel like a failure in trying to explain myself via a blog post...
...I couldn't find words that would make sense...but I started talking to her. Not in any particular order and it all came out. Flood gates came out.
And now that it has...I slowly feel like this detox is working. It's just that..
"I'm trying to do all tonight, I've got plans. I've got a certain lust for life..and as it stands. Everything is going as right as it can, I've got plans. They're trying to shoot down my flight...before it lands"{-Drake}

I'm trying so hard. I want it all SO badly. I want to see the changes, I want to see the success and I feel like I see so many things getting so stagnant. But as stagnant as they may seem, the more I detox, the more I realize that if we're to a degree in control of our lives then we must take FULL control of the part that we have control of.
At that point, and at that point only when you look back at all you've accomplished with the part you've had control over that's when you can pat yourself on the back.
Lately, I've had mention of "what I've done for you, Deidre..". And trust me, I'm not ever not grateful...however, you don't toss things like that in people's faces.
Or at least, so I believe...
And despite what everyone has done for me in my time of need, I'm grateful and I've had hand in helping myself as well. So as much as I do thank everyone else..

I'll thank me later as well.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Detox: Self-Love

"Our first and last self love" Something that lately I find myself missing. Its becoming reflective in everything I do that I possess none.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Detox: Mean Girls

"When you get bit by a snake, you have to suck out all the poison, that's what I had to do, suck all the poison out of my life" -Cady as played by Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls

Detox: A Definition

I've started an all around detox..

Main Entry: de·tox
Pronunciation: \ˈdē-ˌtäks, di-ˈtäks\
Function: noun
Usage: often attributive
Date: 1973

1 : detoxification from an intoxicating or addictive substance clinic>
2 : a detox program or facility

detox [ˈdiːˌtɒks] Informal

(Medicine) treatment designed to rid the body of poisonous substances, esp alcohol and drugs
(Medicine) to undergo treatment to rid the body of poisonous substances, esp alcohol and drugs
[from (for sense 1) detoxification or (for sense 2) detoxicate]

I've come to realize...and I mean, truly realize the level in which we're responsible for our lives. I've come even more so, to realize the level in which we poison ourselves. These beautiful creatures that God took so much time to create, and we, as humans, are the most destructive creatures...ever. And HE didn't create us to be destructive, we've allowed ourselves to become corrupt and destroy so much beauty.

We're so harmful to one another.....

The things we say, the things we do, the actions, the behaviors, the plots and schemes...It's so much. It's so...sad. After my very messy birthday party bus on Saturday, the 17th..I've just been thinking a lot. I'll admit, I've been crying uncontrollably as I feel like there's so much that I've taken in that I'm sort of going through a system overload. I turned 24 years old, now, one week to the is the 21st of April, and so much as hit me as a total flood. And it makes me sorrowful.

I'm struggling. I'm struggling with all this knowledge. However, despite all this knowledge and awareness that I am struggling with..I am grateful. I feel blessed. I am currently stressed, sorrowful, confused and keeping distant from all those people that I care for, but those feelings are only temporary. Only temporary. What is forever is this knowledge. This awareness. This all coming to me at once to grant me a true opportunity to change. To help others see. To be empowered and have a true purpose.

So....I've started a detox. A full, all around detox.

From studying in depth the magnitude of my hypothyroidism and its effects on me currently, to what it will most certainly become if I don't start to change by detoxing my body. To cleaning the spaces around me, and ridding myself of old things-physical items that provide negative or sad memories of something or rather, someone lost. To applying myself to finding a better job that truly will suit my personality and abilities so that I'm not just getting up for a "job", so that I'm getting up thanks to the love of God to pursue my life.

It's a lot.

It's so much, that I almost feel like I've failed in explanation of all I'm truly undergoing by attempting to blog this entry.

It's a lot.

It's massive.

But I'm doing the right thing. I'm cleaning it all out. I've tried to clean it all out, and its been unsuccessful and I've always been immensely frustrated in questioning..."why?". I didn't have the knowledge then. I didn't know then. I had will. I had desire. I didn't have knowledge. You can always want to ride a bike, but you wont be successful without training wheels if you just don't

And now, I know the how-to.

Love as if you'll never be able to love again.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Detox

In order to chase good dreams, ones soul must be clean...the detox begins. Mentally, Physically & Spiritually. When you're empty, you can be filled with good.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Quantity: 24

The number 24 can seem so HUGE to someone small & yet, can describe a small quantity if its being compared against 100. Am I really that number in a few hours?

Saturday, April 10, 2010

The Equation

The relationship equation is simple:A+B=C. You are A. They are B. C is the relationship. Do the math. To change C for the better, you can only alter A. Only A.

Friday, April 9, 2010


I feel like I'm witnessing so many success stories besides my own because I haven't had the true faith to believe I CAN do it, all of it.....

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Always an April's Fool

I feel stupid...

Just dumb.

Incapable. Unintelligent. Unsuccessful. Not attractive. Unhealthy. Lacking wealth. Foolish. And stupid.

Like I said, just dumb.

I've been reading a book entitled, The Nine Rooms of Happiness {Lucy Danziger & Catherine Birndof, M.D.} that is steadily changing my life...and I intend to write a post about it but not right now.
Right now, I just feel stupid.

I got into a massive...I'm not sure what to call it, argument, discussion, explosion with The Ex-Significant the day before yesterday. Its truly, truly unfortunate because we've been doing so well. Beyond well in keeping a friendship and the day before yesterday, it just...came to a halt.

I wish people truly understood the depth in which love can change you. I used to be so much more confident, and after you find someone whose opinion matters so much to you..its as if their opinion is the end all, be all. If he ever thought I was fat, I'd do anything to drop 20 pounds. That's just an example. If he told me to stop breathing, I loved him so much that I would rationalize in my head why it made sense to do so. I tell myself now, that I'm stupid....
That I should have had control and not allow love to build me up and simultaneously, break me down to absolutely nothing.

That's what I feel now...that I'm worth absolutely nothing.
I'm working a dead end job, I have no money...truly no money, I am car less, I don't have my own place nor am I on the pathway to creating any of these things for myself because of my current financial status. I'm in love with someone new, who isn't committed to me in the least. I have nothing to offer him but my physicality because I am nothing nor have anything else.
And then I say to myself...well, how did you get here?

Did you get here because you loved someone for 3 years or did you get here because you're a fool.

We argued in the Navigator.
I don't know how much time even passed by because I was crying. To me, time moves either really slowly or really quickly when you're crying.

I couldn't look at him. I can't argue anymore. I can't hurt anymore. And just like I told him, "you'd think I'd be numb to this all by now".
But I'm not. Sometimes, my heart is so overwrought in sorrow and in pain as to the nothing I've become all due to being broken down by another person. Someone I trusted. Someone I loved. Someone I'd give my last dollar or rib bone to if they asked for it.
And what do I have to show for it all....nothing.
People think I'm stupid..for all I've dealt with and for how long.
I have no money, no love, no car but the worst of it all is that I have no respect.

He didn't respect me, and that's why he did all he did to me for 3 years. The lack of respect.
The same way the people who I meet now, make it so obvious that I was stupid because they too don't respect me.
No one respects me.
So I truly am, empty handed.

And with that, I'll always be portrayed as stupid..just dumb..
Always a fool...