Thursday, April 29, 2010

Thank Me Later


I truly think that just may be God's motto. There are things that we try to do, try to handle, try to control and most of us, after awhile kind of realize that they are only partially in our control. If He "orders our footsteps", then it should mean that where we are right exactly where we should be. When we finally come to terms with that, He's probably saying to us "It's cool...thank me later".

This detox has been...a whirlwind.

It's gotten so deep and so raw that I was a millimeter off from quitting the entire thing altogether. I was about to have a true breakdown. I opened up to my best friend, truly not even believing that I could express what I've been feeling to anyone and it make sense. I was even questioning my belief in God during this detox.
"It's like I know what I've got to say...but I don't know how to say you."{ -Drake} That's literally how I felt sitting with her in my mother's car a couple days ago. I hadn't seen her since my interesting party bus that took place near two weeks ago. I barely responded to her text messages, or to anyone for that matter. I truly cut myself off. I did feel like a failure in trying to explain myself via a blog post...
...I couldn't find words that would make sense...but I started talking to her. Not in any particular order and it all came out. Flood gates came out.
And now that it has...I slowly feel like this detox is working. It's just that..
"I'm trying to do all tonight, I've got plans. I've got a certain lust for life..and as it stands. Everything is going as right as it can, I've got plans. They're trying to shoot down my flight...before it lands"{-Drake}

I'm trying so hard. I want it all SO badly. I want to see the changes, I want to see the success and I feel like I see so many things getting so stagnant. But as stagnant as they may seem, the more I detox, the more I realize that if we're to a degree in control of our lives then we must take FULL control of the part that we have control of.
At that point, and at that point only when you look back at all you've accomplished with the part you've had control over that's when you can pat yourself on the back.
Lately, I've had mention of "what I've done for you, Deidre..". And trust me, I'm not ever not grateful...however, you don't toss things like that in people's faces.
Or at least, so I believe...
And despite what everyone has done for me in my time of need, I'm grateful and I've had hand in helping myself as well. So as much as I do thank everyone else..

I'll thank me later as well.

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