Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Consequence Update: Whatever U Want

Featuring Kanye West & John Legend

Sunday, September 27, 2009

New Jack Update: I Just Hide Behind The Tears of a Clown

"Don't let them say you ain't beautiful...just stay true to you.."

I'm finding that the prospect of me staying true to me, when it's absolutely most necessary to my brain that I need to be, is becoming single-handedly the hardest thing my heart has had to do these days.

It's always been instilled to me that its imperative that one stays true to their most inner being, the soul, the representative of self. It's always been construed that when one doesn't do as such that they can ..seemingly lose themselves,in the worst way. In some cases, literally, look at some mental patients. My fear is that, I'm on the road to losing myself.

I'm terrified to be alone with my own feelings right now. Worse so terrified to be alone with my own pain. It seems that the more I don't want to be alone with my own pain and feelings, it seems the more I am. I spoke to my BFF recently about my reluctance to even speak with her on the matters at hand that currently fog my the last couple months she's delegated some tough love that I don't need in the least right now. I need a more nurturing spirit at this time, as if...nurturing something inside of me. It's as if, all this pain and all these feelings swirling inside me are brewing something..or conjuring up a beast of sorts within an egg inside me. Taking that outlook, I feel that the more tough love I get, is only going to nurture the egg the wrong way..and when it hatches, God help everyone if that's the case. I feel that if I were to come across more nurturing spirits, whatever comes out of this "egg" when I heal will be for the better. I don't know if anyone truly grasps how fragile I currently am.

Everyone deems me as "the strong one" and this is the second time I've ever felt so weak in my entire life. The same powerless, fragile, empty floating feeling I had when my grandmother passed. Everyone showered me with the same, "But Deidre, you've always been the strong one" then why do I feel like I'm dying.

Why do I feel like I'm losing pieces of my soul entirely...
Why do I feel as if I'm trying to make a better me, and the circumstances have been flipped in such a direction that instead of thinking outside the box..I'm trapped in it..
Why do I cry everyday..
Why do I not sleep at night..
Why does one man I wanted have nothing in his life together, and the current man I want have everything in his life together but doesn't solely want me..
Why am I hiding from my best friend, and myself all at the same time..

I'm so alone. Partly in truth, and partly by choice. People want to help me, others want me to just man up when I simply currently cannot and no one can help me all at the same time.

I'm aware of everything and nothing at the same time. The only thing I feel like I'm truly knowledgeable how much pain and how depressed I am. I might acknowledge it publicly via Twitter here and there, in which my best friend and I even got into something about that the other day..but out of everything I don't know, I do I'm in a lot of pain. I do know that when I'm out with friends, I fight to not have a breakdown and in truth, "I just hide behind the tears of a clown". The pain of wanting and needing so much on so many various levels and having nor in close reach of any of it. That's whats knowledgeable to me. That's what I feel around the clock.

But I still laugh. I still crack all the good jokes in public. That's what clowns do as long as their makeup is on, the show must go on.

And I wonder...if "I'd be one tough act to follow"then why do the men in my life fuck up so much..
If "I'd be one tough act to follow"..then why do people see it so necessary to hurt me until I leave them..

With all the clown makeup on, I wonder how much longer until my face paint cracks..

Though I've hit The Turning Point, I've again found it hard to remember sometimes that all my struggles are for a reason. I'm not overcoming them, they're taking over my body.
Taking over me in the same symbiotic fashion that Venom did Spiderman...

Spiderman prevailed at the end realizing that soundwaves of a bell were able to pull the symbiont off of him..
Where is my bell to ring..because I'm more than knee deep in Venom..

Drake Update: Forever

Featuring: Kanye West, Lil' Wayne and Eminem

Amerie Update: Heard Em All

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

New Jack Update: The Pleasure Principle

Maybe, it's a bit harder than I think it all is...

I'm not trying to discourage myself but maybe this is going to be way harder than I thought. I truly thought I found the motivation I so needed to do all the "get right" plans I had laid out and I'm thinking it all over slowly and realizing maybe I haven't. At least, the love portion of it all....

The All Star left a slightly bad taste in my mouth as I've been detecting a lack of sincerity from him. It's like an ode to New Jack..minus the ode. In the midst of all this I truly am missing The Significant (or newly donned, the MVP if you will) but I know it's not the right time.

I've found the All Star to be confusing...and afraid of commitment. One minute he wants to be the best of friends, the next he wants to be my everything. 85% of the time when I think of him, I think of him as being my everything. I can't imagine sometimes just a friendship with him. We fit each other way too well and I have the sixth sense that he's just right for me then again, if he didn't have so many complications within himself..
But who am I to call it complications if one is comfortable with their situation. The All Star has made it clear to me he's content-he wants no commitment at this time & simultaneously is making his..rounds if you will. I currently hold the position of 1 of 4 women that is sharing him. Something that drives me up the wall and back down, as in my faulty childhood, sharing is something I never need to start sharing now. I feel such a depth with him that I truly haven't felt with anyone. An abillity to reveal myself and not be a fault, not be concerned about opinions and incessantly apologize for who I am, an abilitiy to not hide myself. What I experience in terms of depth and speech is truly something I've yet to experience with any man or woman. It's a whole nother playing field. The times I have to apologize for how i feel, the constant misconstrued thoughts, no one who can directly relate with a lot of what I feel or have to exists in him. Let's not even begin to add on that his head is actually on straight..he's had his own apartment since the age of 20, and is currently talking to real estate to get a house to say the least.

I guess it make you wonder why a house is necessary if you have no one to put in it..or maybe that's my confusion, cause he has plenty of us women to put in the apartment..
We spoke about so much in person last night and thought it was a good conversation..but it basically ended in, I am special to him, but he's not going to cmmit ot me and it's my choice alone if I don't want to to deal with being "1 of 4" or more..
Alas, he tells me he'd treat me no different, his feelings would change not..

But what about mine..

What about the notification that this person is mirror image perfect to match me and I'll never have them. Or to have them I have to have a small army attached to him at the same time. Again, sharing wasn't my forte as a child..

At the same time that my heart aches that I will never truly have the All Star, The Significant, I just miss him terribly. Sometimes, I don't think I miss him nearly as much as I do and then today, just the sound of his voice makes me want to cry in an agony that I wish to someone I could fully explain. An emptiness that I sit and hold my knees to my chest..for an hour and just rock back and forth..
Sometimes an emptiness that I don't feel hunger, or rather don't know when to stop eating..
Its an emptiness that I cast my eyes downward regularly and actually feel the space within my chest every single time I take a deep breath in..
I watch cartoons until 3..4 am. Or I sleep early, 9-10PM and awake at 2 or 3am wishing he was in the same bed as me and will be awake until 4..5..sometimes even 6am. My sleeping patterns are destroyed. I thought I knew what exhaustion was..until a combination of my thyroid not being controlled with medication and general lack of sleep over him begun. I thought I knew what exhaustion was...THIS is exhaustion. But I torture myself in pain, in hopes that I will one day get the pleasure with The Significant that I want...the principle of the matter..

At the end of the day..I guess it's all the pleasure principle.

The All Star seeks pleasure himself without regard, in order for him to have it with me, and I in turn have it with him I have to accept that I'll never have this man. It'll be a sweet dream and beautiful nightmare all at the same time. To touch something, to hold something, to feel something and to look something directly in the eyes and know that it will never ever be solely yours. But in efforts to keep pleasure, I torture myself in pain at the same time. I question if my tolerance for pain is high only because of the pleasure principle involved. Does it make me temporarily forget how much pain I'm slowly entering into? The pleasure of a freedom within myself that I've never experienced and don't want to let go of, is it worth all the pain that I might soon embark. The shackles of pain and restrictions on myself within just my friendships has been enough to drive my ideals to moving to California..and yet now, I've finally found it. A man, that I slowly could be falling for who accepts me wholeheartedly for me as no one on this planet has..and I'm going to torture myself for pleasure.
Even though, to him sometimes much to my confusion, I might be just a sex object. I'm sorry that I fail to understand "you are special to me"..and I have a toothbrush at his apartment, but there are never any less than 4-5 toothbrushes in that same bathroom.

I am not a sex object. My heart beats and I feel.

And to the All Star, whatever the reasoning is that you're terrified to commit and feel the need to be engaged with 4 women at one time:

"I'm not here to feed your insecurities..I wanted you to love me".-Janet Jackson

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

New Jack Update: Get Right

I'm trying to focus on doing just that...
Getting Right...

From the men in my life to my health, I am focusing all my energy that way. I did a lot of thinking over the weekend....

In terms of the male thing, I have it pretty much figured out. I know that I can't be with The Significant at this moment because he needs to get his life together. Likewise, the All Star has no desire to comitt to anything that doesn't involve less than 4 women at a time, so I'm enjoying his company and not getting trapped under any circumstances. I'm relaxing...missing The Significant, at times, but relaxing nonetheless.

In terms of work, I've been booking more modeling gigs than ever. I'm turning some things down because I'm being selective. I have a vision and I'm trying to stick with that vision. There are small hindrances, like my laptop is currently dying and I need to drop 35 pounds but don't have the money to eat healthy. Despite the set backs and that its taking me forever to type this post, I'll truck along still. Something is going to break through and I will have a Macbook pro 13" and I will maybe not lose 35lbs but tone myself to exactly where my body is fully perfect.

I'm loving that I have the opportunity to write so much more now, I just want it to get the right exposure. I'm starting to run..and of course, this isn't the best time in my mind to start since the winter is around the corner but its better to be doing it than to not do it at all. I've been reading a lot of health magazines, listening to a lot of Dr. Oz and just realizing that this thyroid disorder is something I may have gotten myself into from body/diet/nutritional neglect. I don't have health insurance so I have to find a way to sustain my health on my own accord. I've also begun re-reading Joel Osteen's book to keep my mind focused on the turning point, and after I get some finances straight then hopefully I want to do my first two week trip to California. I would love to do it mid October..

Just just a lot of random things that I feel as if I've finally sorted out. Men, food, life, work, play, finances, future finances, living space, family, friends and more. Now that I've sorted it all out I have to use what I know and officially get right....

Friday, September 11, 2009

New Jack Update: Going Back to Cali

I've been thinking...

Needless to say, anyone who knows the depth in which I function I am an over thinker to a fault.

I stated in Deep Inside of You that:

Turmoil and conflict exist...they are indeed a necessary evil.

Belittlement, disrespect and insecurity however, are not.

I'm starting to feel an indirect mixture of the two levels, in which I refuse to sit back and be comfortable in.
This time, I'm going to seek a near permanent solution for it.

In recent analysis of the groups of friends I keep, the conflict that exists-unnecessarily along with the combination of personality traits and behaviors I have come to the conclusion that I will forever be in this complex position if I do not remove the people who cause the issues or remove myself. I personally, have accepted the Summer of 2009 to be a blessing as the true colors of many have doth been revealed. Without that revelation, I would be in a miserable state of mind. The combination of these revelations, the inability of many to anything Brand New and even acceptance levels that it is what it is I have chosen to remove myself.

In order for me to excel in The Turning Point I have to acknowledge that there is a REASON why things don't change. People don't change. Situations don't change. Feelings don't change. I'm tired of things not changing. I'm tired of having to expect particular behavior and I'm tired of having to settle for less than my mind is worth.

With that being said, I'm investigating a four to six month live-in in California.

I already have someone to live with, I just need to come up with the money. I've always heard New Yorker celebrities state that they never got discovered until they picked up and moved to California and likewise, Californians have always said the same regarding their careers until they moved to New York. The same circle of drama is not progressing my life any further forward, it's just diverting my attention from chasing my own greatness.

And that, is not what I need in the least.

I can only hope, as there is a reason for everything, that when I pick up and move the people I left behind grow. I can only pray for their growth, not coerce it. I'm too fed up of the same excuses, same explanations and same old drama. As tired as I am just like in The Turning Point, I have to accept the reason. Maybe, me being so sick of what is constantly going on is the kick in the ass I needed to move on.

Who knows?
Or maybe, I'll find out as soon as I get to Cali.........

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

New Jack Update: The Starting FIVE

Some SLICES of cake will give you food poisoning, OTHERS are so good that they hit home when you eat them..however, after awhile SOME OF the TOO good SLICES might just give you CAVITIES if you overindulge.

Think about it....

Your main issue will be that cavities of the heart, similar to canker sores of the mouth doth spread if the infection itself is left untreated.

Love is indeed the most beautiful thing that this world has to offer, however, love is also known to be infectious. There is a power that love can use to captivate and hold us that we can spread to one another, just as easily if we were to spread hate.
Love being infectious as it is..I'm coming to truly realize that I've been infected for quite some time now and maybe it's time to slowly being cleaning up all the wounds that I've half patched up. When you cover up wounds with band-aids before putting an ointment on first, the wounds take double as long to heal.

I want to be fully healed.

No more patching.

In order to stop patching up wounds left by solely The Significant I've initiated a starting 5, if you will. Assembled a team of "basketball"players of men, possible suitors, that are ranked in order of what they do for me-mentally as well as physically.

The MVP is The Significant. The MVP, standing for "Most Valuable Player" is the one of the five I should be willing to drop all other 4 members of the team for. The MVP is the one you think is THE one. You feel your entire team might as well collapse without his presence. How does a coach successfully win a game without the MVP to lead the remaining team members?

The All-Star: The All-Star pick is the second to the MVP. When the MVP fails, the All-Star is who I turn to. Focused and driven, the All-Star is the favorite draft pick of mine as well as my friends who know about him. Many suggest that the All-Star be moved up into MVP status, but the All-Star doesn't move because as a player he hasn't proven himself fully to the Coach. He's a fan favorite...he still has work to do for the Coach.

The remaining 3: My Point-Guards & Shooter: The remaining 3 members of my team can be fillers. They do indeed serve purpose...weekend love, movies, dinner etc. in some far instances, even sex. Sex is usually set for only the all-star & MVP if the MVP is causing problems. Sex goes to the Shooter primarily over the Point-Guards. The remaining 3 don't usually elevate from this level because they're lacking something major-mostly mental/emotional support. They're usually good for just a good time...financially, parties, a hand to hold at the movies, a dinner date that you don't pay for...

My current issue is...after 3 whole years, I might have just come across the courage to release the MVP from his contract. The MVP IS my favorite player. He's usually always held the coach down, and I'm always rooting for him. However, when an MVP realizes that they hold an elevated position over the other players, they get the most time on the court and that they're the highest paid in the league..they get spoiled. They don't carry the same determination and drive that they had when they were playing ball looking and begging to be drafted. They get lazy. Expectant of the free hotel rooms, money & try to pick up as many other women as they can because they KNOW how valuable they are. It all goes to their head & they're too quick to pull out their contract & show the Coach the rider lists with requests and demands but with no current work for's too much talk back.

As the fan favorite, everyone is rooting for the All-Star to be promoted to the MVP position. However, what many don't realize is that he hasn't proven his weight to the Coach. Yes, he comes through in the clutch when the MVP is exhausted and racks up the points I need, however he's not a stable steady worker as the MVP is signed to be. All-Star picks have a tendency to get so cocky since they know that they're fan favorites. They know what to do, and what to say to get their way with the fans and they seem to believe they have the Coach wrapped around their finger the same way they have the fans. The Coach always knows the true motives of a player...

So after I release the MVP, do I just remain MVP-less? Or knowing the intentions of the All-Star are not all true, do I sign a promotion contract or just leave the All-Star playing his current position?

Thursday, September 3, 2009

New Jack Update: Identity Crisis

Mirror, Mirror on the wall..who's the fairest of them all?

It's fair enough to say, in just the quote alone that the Queen in Snow White was indeed under some belief that she wasn't as adequate as other females who lived in the land. That's the exact reason why she had to ask the mirror, DAILY, "who's the fairest of them all?". Her high level of insecurity about who she is, poised her to ask herself these questions.

The day that the Queen heard the mirror tell her that there IS someone that exists fairer than her, she had a meltdown.
She flipped shit, basically....

The idea that she wasn't the fairest one sent her into such a rampage that she needed to track down who Snow White was, and kill her so that she could return to the status of being the fairest of them all.

It's fair enough, that I'm seeing some surrounding members are undergoing an identity crisis that is now officially driving me "bats", to quote The Joker. It's funny, that again, my BFF, Linette and I were discussing this last night...and not to toot my own horn but some individuals are following my "path" to fame to a tee.

It's sad, cause I truly recognize it as an identity crisis...they can't be themselves, so they feel it necessary to be ME in every sense of the word. Every move I make, they mimic, every idea, every notion. I think that we've all been put on earth by God, the Lord our Creator with UNIQUE and INDIVIDUAL talents. Some of us, have talents that overlap or share some things, which of course makes us all relatable and able to have friendships, relationships, love, etc.
However, not ONE of us, has the exact same path to fame, road to glory, life pattern, disappointments, joys, etc. or else God wouldn't have MADE one of us if TWO of us were going to have the same EXACT path.

I know..EXACTLY..what my path is. Why is it that people would find it necessary to copy my path, EXACTLY as opposed to making their own path? Did I NOT just write a post like, 24 hours ago titled, Deep Inside of You about finding what lies inside of you? Utilize what you have. Don't try to make yourself into something you're not, out of something you don't possess ..and worse so, never did. I never, ever supported people being something they're not...especially after undergoing a friendship with a Spanish woman, who doesn't frequent our group anymore who I had to play New Jack 2.0 for.

You should want to be YOU ..all day, everyday... just because you're not ME, doesn't make YOU any LESS glamorous, smart, funny, pretty or cool.

All it does, is make you, less whole.
So please....
Stop trying to kill my path to the Prince as I am Snow White...just be the Queen and drop the identity crisis..

After all I mean aside from the insecurities...there was nothing wrong with the Queen to begin with..

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

New Jack Update: Deep Inside of You

I got into a very nice, and heartfelt deep conversation with my BFF, Linette this afternoon..something that spanned over 5 hours on the phone.

Thank you, Verizon to Verizon minutes...

I can't get heavy into the detail of everything we spoke of, just as it is too long, too draining and too much truth for those who actually read my blog to actually handle.

People need to realize that there is something deep inside of them. You either utilize it for good, or lose it to evil. There's been series of events that have taken place over the entire of Summer '09 that has enlightened the two of us to depth and in some cases lack there of, in plenty of people we know.

You don't realize the conflicts that exist between us all until you start to go in looking for what's deep inside of you. I've realized that some of the people I interact with, think they realize all that's deep inside of them...some of them have a lot more turmoil than they'd like to admit and deal with. Others have accepted the turmoil that exists within them, but have chosen to not advance forward and turn the blind eye to it.

Turmoil and conflict is indeed a necessary evil.

Belittlement, disrespect and insecurity however, are not.

Summer 2009 has been a true blessing. Without it, I wouldn't know where I stand or how to position the people in my life. I realize what's deep inside of them...but do they? The things they need to fix, the things they're talented at, things that need to be left alone as well as things that need improvement.

Do you realize what's actually deep inside of you?

Deep Inside Of You - Third Eye Blind

Drake Update: Successful