Maybe, it's a bit harder than I think it all is...
I'm not trying to discourage myself but maybe this is going to be way harder than I thought. I truly thought I found the motivation I so needed to do all the "get right" plans I had laid out and I'm thinking it all over slowly and realizing maybe I haven't. At least, the love portion of it all....
The All Star left a slightly bad taste in my mouth as I've been detecting a lack of sincerity from him. It's like an ode to New Jack..minus the ode. In the midst of all this I truly am missing The Significant (or newly donned, the MVP if you will) but I know it's not the right time.
I've found the All Star to be confusing...and afraid of commitment. One minute he wants to be the best of friends, the next he wants to be my everything. 85% of the time when I think of him, I think of him as being my everything. I can't imagine sometimes just a friendship with him. We fit each other way too well and I have the sixth sense that he's just right for me then again, if he didn't have so many complications within himself..
But who am I to call it complications if one is comfortable with their situation. The All Star has made it clear to me he's content-he wants no commitment at this time & simultaneously is making his..rounds if you will. I currently hold the position of 1 of 4 women that is sharing him. Something that drives me up the wall and back down, as in my faulty childhood, sharing is something I never did...no need to start sharing now. I feel such a depth with him that I truly haven't felt with anyone. An abillity to reveal myself and not be a fault, not be concerned about opinions and incessantly apologize for who I am, an abilitiy to not hide myself. What I experience in terms of depth and speech is truly something I've yet to experience with any man or woman. It's a whole nother playing field. The times I have to apologize for how i feel, the constant misconstrued thoughts, no one who can directly relate with a lot of what I feel or have to say..it exists in him. Let's not even begin to add on that his head is actually on straight..he's had his own apartment since the age of 20, and is currently talking to real estate to get a house to say the least.
I guess it make you wonder why a house is necessary if you have no one to put in it..or maybe that's my confusion, cause he has plenty of us women to put in the apartment..
We spoke about so much in person last night and thought it was a good conversation..but it basically ended in, I am special to him, but he's not going to cmmit ot me and it's my choice alone if I don't want to to deal with being "1 of 4" or more..
Alas, he tells me he'd treat me no different, his feelings would change not..
But what about mine..
What about the notification that this person is mirror image perfect to match me and I'll never have them. Or to have them I have to have a small army attached to him at the same time. Again, sharing wasn't my forte as a child..
At the same time that my heart aches that I will never truly have the All Star, The Significant, I just miss him terribly. Sometimes, I don't think I miss him nearly as much as I do and then today, just the sound of his voice makes me want to cry in an agony that I wish to someone I could fully explain. An emptiness that I sit and hold my knees to my chest..for an hour and just rock back and forth..
Sometimes an emptiness that I don't feel hunger, or rather don't know when to stop eating..
Its an emptiness that I cast my eyes downward regularly and actually feel the space within my chest every single time I take a deep breath in..
I watch cartoons until 3..4 am. Or I sleep early, 9-10PM and awake at 2 or 3am wishing he was in the same bed as me and will be awake until 4..5..sometimes even 6am. My sleeping patterns are destroyed. I thought I knew what exhaustion was..until a combination of my thyroid not being controlled with medication and general lack of sleep over him begun. I thought I knew what exhaustion was...THIS is exhaustion. But I torture myself in pain, in hopes that I will one day get the pleasure with The Significant that I want...the principle of the matter..
At the end of the day..I guess it's all the pleasure principle.
The All Star seeks pleasure himself without regard, in order for him to have it with me, and I in turn have it with him I have to accept that I'll never have this man. It'll be a sweet dream and beautiful nightmare all at the same time. To touch something, to hold something, to feel something and to look something directly in the eyes and know that it will never ever be solely yours. But in efforts to keep pleasure, I torture myself in pain at the same time. I question if my tolerance for pain is high only because of the pleasure principle involved. Does it make me temporarily forget how much pain I'm slowly entering into? The pleasure of a freedom within myself that I've never experienced and don't want to let go of, is it worth all the pain that I might soon embark. The shackles of pain and restrictions on myself within just my friendships has been enough to drive my ideals to moving to California..and yet now, I've finally found it. A man, that I slowly could be falling for who accepts me wholeheartedly for me as no one on this planet has..and I'm going to torture myself for pleasure.
Even though, to him sometimes much to my confusion, I might be just a sex object. I'm sorry that I fail to understand "you are special to me"..and I have a toothbrush at his apartment, but there are never any less than 4-5 toothbrushes in that same bathroom.
I am not a sex object. My heart beats and I feel.
And to the All Star, whatever the reasoning is that you're terrified to commit and feel the need to be engaged with 4 women at one time:
"I'm not here to feed your insecurities..I wanted you to love me".-Janet Jackson