Thursday, April 1, 2010

Always an April's Fool

I feel stupid...

Just dumb.

Incapable. Unintelligent. Unsuccessful. Not attractive. Unhealthy. Lacking wealth. Foolish. And stupid.

Like I said, just dumb.

I've been reading a book entitled, The Nine Rooms of Happiness {Lucy Danziger & Catherine Birndof, M.D.} that is steadily changing my life...and I intend to write a post about it but not right now.
Right now, I just feel stupid.

I got into a massive...I'm not sure what to call it, argument, discussion, explosion with The Ex-Significant the day before yesterday. Its truly, truly unfortunate because we've been doing so well. Beyond well in keeping a friendship and the day before yesterday, it just...came to a halt.

I wish people truly understood the depth in which love can change you. I used to be so much more confident, and after you find someone whose opinion matters so much to you..its as if their opinion is the end all, be all. If he ever thought I was fat, I'd do anything to drop 20 pounds. That's just an example. If he told me to stop breathing, I loved him so much that I would rationalize in my head why it made sense to do so. I tell myself now, that I'm stupid....
That I should have had control and not allow love to build me up and simultaneously, break me down to absolutely nothing.

That's what I feel now...that I'm worth absolutely nothing.
I'm working a dead end job, I have no money...truly no money, I am car less, I don't have my own place nor am I on the pathway to creating any of these things for myself because of my current financial status. I'm in love with someone new, who isn't committed to me in the least. I have nothing to offer him but my physicality because I am nothing nor have anything else.
And then I say to myself...well, how did you get here?

Did you get here because you loved someone for 3 years or did you get here because you're a fool.

We argued in the Navigator.
I don't know how much time even passed by because I was crying. To me, time moves either really slowly or really quickly when you're crying.

I couldn't look at him. I can't argue anymore. I can't hurt anymore. And just like I told him, "you'd think I'd be numb to this all by now".
But I'm not. Sometimes, my heart is so overwrought in sorrow and in pain as to the nothing I've become all due to being broken down by another person. Someone I trusted. Someone I loved. Someone I'd give my last dollar or rib bone to if they asked for it.
And what do I have to show for it all....nothing.
People think I'm stupid..for all I've dealt with and for how long.
I have no money, no love, no car but the worst of it all is that I have no respect.

He didn't respect me, and that's why he did all he did to me for 3 years. The lack of respect.
The same way the people who I meet now, make it so obvious that I was stupid because they too don't respect me.
No one respects me.
So I truly am, empty handed.

And with that, I'll always be portrayed as stupid..just dumb..
Always a fool...

1 comment:

Joshen Reborn said...

It's all just doubt, fear, and uncertainty. I read your words and for some reason I find them hard to believe, and I think the reason I can't believe what you are writing is because I have so much respect for you.

We have known each other for a few years now, and still we are like complete strangers, but I feel like I know a part of you that doesn't get the attention it deserves. The part of you that is the "best stuff" of who you really are.

We have a choice to accept our circumstances or to change them. Use the hurt as your fuel, use the doubt as a reminder, and for anyone who is bold enough to disrespect you; disregard them.

I expect great things from you.