Monday, March 1, 2010

Cleaning Out Our Closet


So it's beyond evident that since my breakup with The Ex-Significant I've gone into a weird, dark, sort through mode. Something similar to Rihanna in her Rated R phase where after everything that took place for her, things are just in pieces and you sort of have to buckle down as much as it hurts and put together the pieces again. The thing is, as you go about doing this, the pieces do not form the same person. It's a whole new "beast" as sorts that you've created.
I've thought I've cleaned up.
Or rather....cleaned out...

But apparently, when you think you've wiped everything down there's always a spot you've overlooked.
And apparently, people are cleaning out their closets as much as I have been.

It's safe for me to truly say, that the Ex-Significant and I are two new people. Over the last 8 months I've changed so much mentally, and truly so has he.
It's sad when you look back and say, "Haiti was already the poorest country in the entire world and it took an earthquake that slaughtered over 200,000 people for OTHER people to realize that Haiti needs their help." It took an earthquake for people to change.

Well, it's the same parallel with the Ex-Significant; it took an earthquake to instill change.
We've had nearly the most honest conversation ever.
I mean from drugs... marriage.... more cheating....... that he got his ex-girlfriend pregnant while he was dating me.....

We literally started cleaning out our old closet.
Cobwebs that all parties weren't aware of.
We started cleaning it out.

And no missiles were fired. No gunshots. Not even a screaming match. Not one curse word was thrown.

And I can't even cry.
You think you can. Trust me.
You hear certain news, and even if it was a month ago or even a year ago, you say to yourself it hurts so much that I could still cry about it now in this present moment.
And then, your soul hits a level of sorrow that your eyes are physically dry. Your eyes have cried so much and so often that it's truly as if in this moment of pain that your eyes go numb and not a single tear can be formulated. Your nose doesn't burn, tingle or turn red in anticipation of tears. Your ears don't itch. You don''t even get that heavy feeling in your stomach. Your heart rate doesn't change, it doesn't speed up as it should. You just know....that your soul aches.

Your soul aches.

It's the rawest conversation I've ever had with him.
And after it all...

I miss him.

Those are the only two things I know...
That my soul aches and that, I miss him.

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