Saturday, December 27, 2008

House of a Scholar-Singular Pronoun

"Year after year, twenty-something women come to New York City in
search of the two “L’s”: labels and love.Twenty years ago... I was one of
them. Having gotten the knack for labels early... I concentrated on my
search for love.Turns out, a “knock-off” is not as easy to spot when comes to love...Until it is.That is why you need help to spot them...... Lots of help.Year after year, my single
girlfriends were my salvation. And, as it turns out...... My meal ticket...
As for me, I was looking for something Big. Mr. Big. Turns out, when that big love comes along it's not always easy and despite all the other chapters of my life, no one was ever quite big enough. Until, just like that, I was. Three books and three years later, I managed to stay exactly where I was. In love"-Carrie Bradshaw as written by Michael Patrick King.

Sometimes, I want it to be my three years later.

Writing Success.
Living with The Significant.
No babies.

I know what I want. Sometimes I feel that I know what I want so much so that I know nothing at all. I can't express it because it's overwhelming me.
I'm an intelligent woman...
I get frustrated....

And, I feel like I'm slowly becoming a monster...

I've been wrapped up in a bitter state of affairs. Noting the success of so many others around me, as I feel I've been stagnant. For years. I have spent between 2003-2007 focusing on a college degree in which I acquired, and the period of time after that beginning this blog and then furthermore, finally acquiring my first salaried position. So, maybe I shouldn't phrase it as I haven't been doing "anything" but I feel as if, with the lack of success, that its a sign of me being stagnant.

Stagnant. It's almost as if being an Aries, I was born despising this word. It makes me feel like the true definition of a failure. In that mode, I can't sit down and count all the good that has come to me during 2008, instead at this time closest to 2009, where I should be planning for more good to come I sit and count all that I'm currently unhappy with.

I'm still not where I feel like I need to be career wise.

Monetary wise, I'm a walking joke, as I was denied the SUV I've been trying to get as a small reflection of the real iceberg.

I see people who hopped on my bandwagon SO quickly in devising a blog. Just for fuckery's sake. "Oh, it's a Thursday..I think I'm going to make a blog!". I actually had purpose, and I note the success above me when others may have had half the writing talent, and only a quarter of the drive. And in watching their success levels, and noting that I possess a significant amount more of talent, I can't help but boil over in anger. Some just have a cult for no reason...people that they call friends, but these are actually people that just worship them. Some are more talented in web design, html and those the things I've requested help for from so many people time and time and TIME again, they can do for themselves in 10 minutes or less. Me, being unknowledgeable of these skills I cannot do for myself in creating the true look for this blog that I've desired for so long, I've completely exhausted my resources and networks of people. But they always tell you, "if you want something done"..."do it your" goddamn "self".

Meanwhile this is going on, I'm being hacked mercilessly. Everything it seems I'm working so hard at, is failing, constantly. Everyone around me who is doing..."nothing" and not working as hard, as a FACT, is getting everything I need thrown into their laps.

Again, all these thoughts are turning me into a monster...

I'm trapped financially, career-wise, dream-wise...future wise. I can't even take the heat of watching everyone be oh so satisfied around me, while inside I'm screaming INCESSANTLY about so many things and NO ONE is taking notice. I'm not sure why I always have to draw a banner, or send up signal flares, or try to light my leg on fire for someone to notice something is UP. Simulataneously, I'm being used and abused by several friends who don't appreciate me or aren't grateful for what I do...

I've been locking myself away from so many of my friends..and drinking wine alone, becoming more callous by the day. I've been quite indulgent in retail therapy, which is the LAST thing I need, and either crying to The Significant or crying alone. Then there are nights where I don't cry at all because I pass out. Note: I shouldn't be consuming liquor as I am on thyroid medication...yeah, go team body!

The only thing I can say, is I hope 2009 is different.
I need, I thirst, I hunger for a change...but, the RIGHT change. I hunger for the stroke of success as I envision it in my head. I'm not sure how much more of this I can actually handle as I feel literally like I'm IN the "Disturbia" video.
To pardon my french, I just feel like I'm fucking losing it. Just fucking losing it.
I need things to continue to progress positively between The Significant and I; I need the writing success I thirst for to finally...arrive. This needs a little recognition. I need an SUV. I need an apartment. I need my parents to stop growing...along with my younger brother.
I need help.
I need love.

And with all that, maybe I'm just a never satisfied 22-year old just who just needs a man to "get me a really big closet".

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