Today for the first time in over one year I went back to church. I awoke this morning aware that I hate a late shift at my retail job & for the first time in a really long I felt a calling...a pulling that I need to go to church this morning. For the two hours of mass and for the first time in probably a year I was able to hear my own heartbeat calmly. I feel anxiety all day, every day & for two precious hours I had not a drop of anxiety. It actually hit me like a shock I had no idea..I actually forgot what its like to not be anxious. It was euphoric. Literally..no fears, no worries, my heart not running like a jack rabbit, normal breathing that I actually don't have to coach myself through like I do..all day, every day..
Maybe its a sign..when I left, an hour or so later when it became clear I'd be missing my fathers' 50th birthday party due to work and the frustration fueled the anxiety and I guess it all returned. For the rest of the day today I've had knots in my stomach..like I do..all day, every day. I've been coaching myself through breathing..like I do all day, every day. The persistent thoughts, the worry over things I can't control & just sitting and dwelling in them. It was so beautiful to not feel that way and I forgot what peace..real peace, feels like. Now that its over and I'm back to the plaguing feelings and terrible anxiety and I long desperately for the feeling of peace again.
How did I get this way...to the point of having panic attacks and suffering from constant anxiety? I feel so uncomfortable literally all the time. Like the feeling of NOT being stressed out is foreign to me and I hate that. If there's anything that I truly hate is the feeling that peace is a feeling that's foreign to me and my body. It makes me feel so saddened and more depressed inside. Never mind the fact that the All-Star & I have a complicated love, all I do is dwell on how hard I've been trying to get a new job but actually in the field of a career and how desperately I want financial change to create stability and a life for myself and absolutely nothing is happening. I'm watching good fortune come to everyone else around me in running their lives and that's all I can do..sit and watch as if it were a movie. While I watch my own life..a failure and mockery. No wonder the All-Star won't take it to the level we both want it to be..because I have nothing to contribute. Nothing besides looks. I'm so fed up of not having my own of anything or being able to provide for myself. People always say, "if you can't take care of yourself, how can you expect to take care of anyone else?". I can't plan for kids, or a home, or a marriage because I have nothing to support any of those things...
When I was in church, a familiar passage was read: "Let not your heart be troubled, for I have gone to prepare a place for you..in my Father's house, there are many rooms..".
I dwell on it because, if I believe what I do believe and that there is a better, happier place prepared for me as per written in the bible, then why exactly would I want to continue suffering on Earth? There are many rooms, but there's one prepared for ME and that's what matters. Ironically, why in the hell would I want to stay here? Dealing with this constant anxiety.....and I know that there's better for me when I leave this life..
I'm not sure why that isn't the mind frame of ALL people on Earth, but hey, I guess I'm cool with "getting it".
I just want peace.......and I long for the peace I experienced earlier today..
A feeling that was familiar to me once upon a time...and if that feeling could somehow be permanent, as it's promised via the bible then that's all we as people should all want...
I just want it..now.