I'm not sure how exactly to write all the things I'm feeling without sounding a bit...callous. Then again, if this is the only forum in which I can't be judged and I can write what my heart may feel then so be it. Thus the point of me writing anyway...
I'm entering what I dont want to say feels like, but more so is, a different phase of life. Lately, I've felt very alone in that walk of life but I guess enter the harsh phrase "born alone, die alone", here.
I don't have a career.
I'm trying to find where I belong, and I'm coming into the realization that I don't have as much time as I think I do. I'm 24. I don't have a career, nor car, still live with my parents...where will I be in 5 years? I'm actually serious about pulling it altogether. Not hoping and waiting to see if it'll come together on its own but make it come together. My party days aren't over...or who knows, maybe they are.
I want more. I need more.
The all nighters at the bars, and rounds of shots isn't appealing to me anymore. Dating the All-Star makes me realize just how much more badly I want to get married. Even before that, there's places I want to go and see......I've been trying to find company to go with me to Miami..the Dominican Republic...Las Vegas, you name it. All these places and do some things that most people my age have already done. When I have a child, I'm not going to be able to pack up and GO anywhere. I'm realizing that as much as it may not be the greatest of fun to do things solo, I can't keep making plans with people and then wait around for them to make things happen. What will happen is, I'll be stuck here waiting and never get there. So I was originally shooting for Miami for the end of August, and because I want to go, I'm sticking to it. I'm not sure if its going to work out financially but I'm still going to try my hardest and if not, before the years end I'm going to go to Miami for a weekend.
I've been doing small talk with a Life Coach named Anna. I'm trying to find an editorial job, or career rather. See where I can get in, start to make waves and if it'll be possible to make a decent enough salary to support not just myself but any children I might have in the next 5 years. I've slowly been spending more time with the All-Star's child to see if I can actual handle it. Just little steps to see if all that I'm starting to want: the marriage, the kids, the stability is really all something I can handle. I've stopped consuming alcohol, upped my fruit intake and after years of loathing, actually now love drinking water. These simplified changes and not going out and mindlessly partying in the last month and I've lost 6 pounds...with barely any exercise.
Just seeing results in the small changes is really pushing me to make bigger ones.....and I'm realizing I may lose some things and friends along the way but I have to start creating the life I've been dreaming of and stop waiting and praying and hoping it'll just happen. I've been doing that for so long, and if something was going to happen it would've happened already.
It must be time for me to take matters into my own hands...