Thursday, June 10, 2010

A Part Of Your World.

I think I've finally had the epiphany I've been searching for..
For years almost...

And I'm going to try and make this make as much sense as humanly possible...
Everyone has their own world.
Their own private place between mind and earth that constitutes as their own world. Nothing can interfere with it, and based on our distinct personalities nothing can deviate us from this "world" we create for ourselves once its established. We can enter it, at will, with or without prompt.
And I'm starting to feel that in a small part, people lose part of their mentally stability when they lose a sense of their world.

For example, you always hear stories about women who have been divorced who half of them say, after their husbands left them..they just weren't able to go on. To me, this is because when you love someone, you incorporate them as part of your world. Sometimes, we love people so much that they become your whole world and when things unfortunately in some cases fall apart, there it all goes..your world, has now collapsed. You've 100% lost all sense of YOURSELF. The unique, dynamic individual that is yourself, and what you like, your hobbies, your talents, etc.
Marriage has caused one of the parties to conform FULLY to the others world, and that's not a healthy marriage. Marriage is two whole individuals that come together to further bring out the good in one another, not the horrible misconception that one party is incomplete and needs the OTHER person in order to be whole. God has already made each and every last one of us, whole.

Then, there's a healthy world. A world composed of your own hobbies, desires, talents. These things are simply, your own. Not one human on this earth can take it away from you. Christina Aguilera has always described her "world" as singing..whenever her father would beat her or her mother, she would retreat to her room and sing and it transports her mind to another place. This talent, is part of her world..the only way to remove this is if someone were to hold her down and remove her vocal cords.

What I am realizing, after many a tear shed, is that my mental instability is caused by an absence of a world. I'm actually a very talented artist, and whenever I had a moment's worth of free time on my hands, I would have a pencil in hand. My focus in high school was art. My mother has pictures that I've drawn since age 3, and kept them because she saw something in them that might suggest the talent. I started song writing at age 12. If I wasn't drawing, I was song writing. In the midst of my last relationship, my last job, my arrest..I think over the last 4 years, I've lost sense of my world. I think I've been so consumed in one person as well as several negative events that I've truly lost sense of my world.

I drew for the first time in years...last week.

I can't tell the last time I've written a song. You know what else dawned on me? I like to cook...a lot. I hate being commanded to do it, but my own will, I have a blast cooking. I can't hula hoop. I want to be able to hula hoop as well as any 7 year old girl. When's the last time I've rode a bike? Or sat on a swing? Dancing is something else I've always been really good at, since childhood..why aren't I in a dance school? I want to take pole dancing lessons more than anything..and I want to get super excellent at it. I used to enjoy working out, and did Taebo twice a, I loathe the idea. For a long time, I only listened to neo-soul and alternative rock..only. I can't remember the last time I listened to either. Drawing soothes me, it keeps my mind off of emotional eating and thinking about things outside of my control..which also is the same effect when I'm cooking. I love Japanese. Everything about the culture and the language. And I love writing in this blog.

My whole world now, is worry. I stay home, inside my own head, and cry endlessly. Panic over all the things I can and cannot control. The only thing I've been consistent with in the last 3 years, has been this very blog.
I've been a part of everyone's world except my own.
This idea that to fix all my own problems, get past my own things, to get someone like me, all these things in order to adapt I had to become part of your world.

And I've been doing this unconsciously for years...
So I've spent so much time conforming to what is going on situation wise as well as to who I was dating that I've lost 308% of who I am..what I like...what I want.

So that's just it..when I'm alone, no one or nothing to conform stereotypes, or ideals to live up to or fulfill there's nothing.
I'm empty.

I let everything drain out over the years.
And there's nothing left...just traces of things that used to exist that consisted of the definition of me.
So I now see where the true problem lies......

I have to build my own world, my own sanctuary that consists solely of me. I have to rebuild upon what I've lost, and add onto what exists so that a world in full is established.
So no matter who may come or go in my life, or what situation befall me..I will always be a part of my own world.

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