Tuesday, June 8, 2010


My anger levels are becoming unstable again.
I'm getting upset, but more importantly reacting loudly again to things I disagree with in the form of lashing out against people I love.

I'm quick to say, "why don't you love me, when I make me so damn easy to love"{-Beyonce} however, when you're the most opinionated person on planet Earth..yeah, you're not so easy to love anymore.

I'm in a hard position.

The All-Star has the newest presence in my life, and hasn't seen all aspects of me, nor I've seen all aspects of him. Things that are knowledgeable to others, my best friend we'll say, aren't knowledgeable to him as yet.
I feel like I'm taking a step backwards, as opposed to the forward motion I always want to take with him because I love him more than anything. The things I used to fight with her about, regularly at one point in time...my opinionated nature, my high levels of sensitivity, inability to move quickly forward from a disagreement..I'm now going through the wringer with him about.

Don't get me wrong, we've been beyond blissful, and it sometimes makes me wonder if I'm finally experiencing a love so wonderful because I've been hurt so much in the past..however, when we DO disagree, though seldom, it's huge. And, it happens to be everything that I've ever argued with my best friend about regarding my personality.
Though I've gotten substantially better, and people openly admitted they were tiring of me "going boom, like an 808"{-Blaque} I have hope. As saddened as I am in this moment that him and I aren't speaking..I know that its only 1 day. This isn't the end of us in the least.

Though I argued once upon a time with my best friend about all these subject matters, her and I have the strongest bond that two best friends can have. She knows me inside & out, backwards and forwards. Any reaction, statement, almost anything that comes out of me she KNOWS where it stems from or why it could've been phrased in a particular manner. She knows more than half the things that will come out of my mouth before I even say them, especially in the midst of a disagreement. The fact that her and I, our past disagreements..and some of them, earth-shattering, has gotten us to the point that absolutely nothing can break us gives me the biggest blinding light of hope for him and I.

For if they both only knew, how exactly alike they are..
To him, these are new arguments, to me..these are past memories I'd rather not rehash.

But the same indestructible bond she and I have, him and I will have...with time of course.
And it'll help if I can keep my explosions under a bit better degree of control..

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