Thursday, August 26, 2010

In Love & Fear

Why am I so scared of what you'll think of me? Is it because I've learned so much about you that I don't think I compare? Or maybe, that I don't think I'm lucky have you, that is. Maybe its a fear that when you realize how much better than me you are, you will leave me. I know I've hit jackpot, I just can't bare the thought of bankruptcy. You make me want to be better. Hell, after what I've endured I'm just coming into the belief that I'm good..and then here you come along making me want to be even better. I don't know what capabilities I possess. I can assess it in those around me but not in myself. Yet in some weird way, I do know my potential but I'm terrified to go there. Is there a such thing as a life phobia? Too many possibilities, too many expectations from others, success in levels you can't handle or failure beyond rock bottom. What is it with you? Or should I say what is it with me. I don't have the answers to anything, and I hate that you can see that. I don't know how you see all of that and still love me. It makes no sense. I'm trying to get it together, I swear to you I am but I don't know what the hell I'm doing. And actually, since everything else is just plain old..fucked up, I hold back from you in some ways because I'm too terrified to fuck us up. I have a failure phobia and it starts with you. And when you realize that there's someone better out there...I'll have to face that phobia, head on. And I dread that day.

I've always been the sustaining provider, the know-it-all, you name it in every relationship. I've always been the better one and now, for once, I'm not..and I have no idea how to handle it. All I know, is I don't want you to ever go.
So understand my stage fright around you, yes, even one year later. Be compassionate when I tiptoe around you. Be knowledgeable of how much I love you. And don't turn your heart against me if you find someone new. Know that I do all I do in love and fear of losing you.

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