Lately, I've truly been weighing the worth of having a heart.
The levels of pain I've been feeling, I've almost begged God for the ability to no longer feel.
It's complicated though. The inability to feel doesn't determine one's inner strength, but makes you appear to the public to be strong. The more robotic one appears to be, is the more the public perceives that person to be "strong". So then, what is strength? Also, what is love? What's it like to feel strong..is it being able to lift a car like Superman? Or the ability to be a stable support system to the one who needs you in a time of crisis? Or maybe it's being able to swallow a double shot of whiskey without making a face, as if you just drank water. Or is it just the ability to keep moving in your darkest hour with some supernatural faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I've been angry with myself for as long as I can remember for feeling as if I've been cursed with too big of a heart. The way I'll bend over backwards, the incessant displays of loyalty and unconditional love that I feel are never returned in full. Whenever those people hurt me, I blame myself for having too large of a heart in the first place. But is it my heart that's really the problem? What if I don't know my heart to begin with? If I just know that I'll do anything for love.
I'll do anything to make people feel good, smile, laugh or promote love and being in love. That's where this heart of mine has always been, in love. My heart feels a mess when love is missing and to lose so much love in such a short period of time I haven't been sure what to do with myself. I haven't been sure why I even exist. Maybe this is part of it. Maybe it's to be a 5'5 cupid sans the wings, but with eight times the heart. Or maybe I don't exist for any particular reason at all..
But this feels like the last attempt in my soul to figure it out..to wonder why God has given me such beautiful ideas, such beautiful people and I have nothing to show with it. I've done nothing with them, because I don't know what to do.
I'm just not paying attention...
If He put this last idea into my head, The Finding the Heart Project, then let's see if this is why I exist. To find my heart, and to help others find theirs. Even while questioning the worth of having a heart to begin with. Sometimes, the idea of being a steel robot doesn't seem so bad...until one day, like me, you're laying on your back and looking at a moving ultrasound.
And you know what...
You hear a heartbeat that isn't yours, but is worth to you more than all the gold in the world.
In that moment, a having heart is heaven on earth.