Friday, November 5, 2010

Figuring Out the Self

I've spent a lot of time since my last post meditating, praying and figuring things out for my life. I've started to put an insane level of focus on myself.

Almost hourly, prayer has become a routine, whether I've been suffering from anxiety or not. What's been the best part of the meditation and high level of prayer, is that I'm truly realizing more and more about myself on a daily basis. If not even at some points an hourly basis. I've realized how severe my anxiety is and how much I hate it. I've realized that it's truly stemming from fear of the unknown-what people might say to me in a confrontation, people's reactions etc. The physical symptoms of my anxiety actually create MORE feelings of anxiety manifesting it further.

I've realized that cleaning and organizing calms me down in a great way. Some people when they're stressed or anxious feel this relief in exercise, I truly feel it in cleaning and organizing. I've realized that I am a true stress eater..when I'm depressed and sad as I have been I possess no appetite whatsoever, but when I'm anxious specifically I feel a hunger that isn't satisfied when it should be. Prayer and listening to church sermons immediately lifts my anxiety. It lifts it so quickly that it's almost comparable to taking an emergency injection that just breaks the skin and rushes through the blood stream. So let's re-phrase that, Jesus lifts my anxiety.

I'm taking slow comfort in being by myself and learning what I like, what I dislike, changing things that I want to change in myself, etc. I'm taking more care of my physical body..actually paying attention to it. Things that I was always "too rushed" to do, I'm doing for myself while asking God to shower me in His peace, love, poise, grace and glory. I thought that this was the worst thing I could ever be doing..being alone, taking the time to focus on myself...Hell, I've had wild tantrums over how much I don't want to be alone and focus on myself. This actually is a good's a necessary thing.

I feel as if I have it figured all out but I know I still need to take things slowly..take things one day at a time as I have been, continue to be routed in prayer and making small positive changes. I think about the baby regularly......
But somehow, have been okay enough to not cry so much when I think of her, and what she would've been. I'm not sure if you can miss something that you didn't fully have..but I miss her. I miss looking forward to knowing what she would've looked like, and I miss her moving inside me.. day at a time..
Looking at this entry, I know my thoughts are choppy.. it feels like my mind is all over the place while I'm trying to write and not putting things in a flowing form but as chaotic as it may seem, one thing I'm sure of is that I have peace. Or I'm on my way to fully receiving peace. I'm slowly feeling more love and abundance than I've ever felt. I'm coming into realizing the truth behind when people tell you they love you, what forms that love versus care come in, what I deserve as a woman and what I don't deserve as just a human being.

The thing I deserve the most, is the manifestation of peace.

1 comment:

BroOkLyn'S CeReBRaL Assassin said...

hey D....i know I'm probably the last person you'd be hearing from but I have been reading your blog posts and just hope that everything's alright with you now and I'm sorry for the loss of what would have been the blessing of all blessings. Feb. 14 2011 would have been a great day for you. I pray for you STILL the same way I pray for all my peeps and I know you'll be alright. God bless