Monday, December 6, 2010

So much change, such little time

I've had a couple things to write, but either haven't been presented with time or able to just plain old convey my thoughts. I think I'm moved into the territory of the weight of my thoughts truly being my own.

Everything you want, everything you think of is controlled by you. My in depth re-connection with Jesus has re-established my feelings on all these things. In the last two months I've realized how much of a negative person I've become in the last three years and how I let the feelings, behaviors and thoughts of others overrule my own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I also realize the depth in which I exhibited no self control. Especially in the mental department. My thoughts and feelings have been..erratic. I used to be so tailored in the art of planning, and thinking things through and having order and after a few life events, I just let everything including myself be..chaotic. I developed severe stress patterns resulting in high level panic attacks all because I haven't in three years practiced controlling my thoughts. MY thoughts.
In the last two gone, losing the All-Star, still job hunting etc I've actually used all my spare time and even non-spare time to slow my thought process down. Entirely.
When I feel anxious, I stop. Review what is going on, what is the source of my anxiety, and make a plan as to how to attack it IF it can be attacked. If not, move forward and seek in prayer for a positive resolve. I've been doing this same problem solving, thought-controlling process when I'm anxious, saddened, angered, feeling worthless..any feeling or state of emotion that isn't a positive one. I've also truly elevated into a state of gratitude that I never looked at that in the loss of child I could've lost my own life in the process, but I didn't because God is with me. At all times. I truly, have nothing to complain about. People make mistakes, and shit happens but I've spent so much time..three whole years trying to make things happen WITH other people instead of focusing on making things happen for myself.

I realized how silly and misguided I've been for such a long time.

My greatest fear has been to be ALONE, so I stayed in a truly detrimental relationship with the Ex-Significant for all that time. I wound up finding and experiencing true love with the All-Star but just for the timing to not be right. To wind up ALONE, to truly, truly realize that I'm not alone and never have been. God has been and is with me.

I don't feel the anxiety in severe droves that I used to and experience 1-3 panic attacks per day. I'm down to 1 per week...if that, and short lasting. There's a comfort and freedom in realizing that you're not alone, never have been and never will be. It's the poison of the mind that roots deep to convince you of otherwise. So though in the physical sense that I'm "alone" I don't feel alone for a minute.
There's a freedom in realizing that all my decisions are truly that of my own and that as a standing adult I have to answer to no one but myself. The All-Star and I aren't on negative terms, and if I see it fit that I want to go out to dinner with him then it's my prerogative. No one's feelings and opinions are relevant. I'm going to do as I see fit anyway, because only I and God know what's best for me. If I'm working in a retail position because that's whats available to me at this time, doesn't make me any lesser of a person because I may not be able to afford the luxuries that I used to, or go out as much or even at all.

I've been spending a better amount of time with my parents..especially my mom, who for years her and I have always had a terrible relationship. Things have been going so much smoother. Give and take. In losing something so great, as a child, I always said my heart is never going to beat the same again..and it doesn't. I think about it often, but my heart beats differently when I see my mother. I understand her better. I understand ME on a whole new playing field. I know how to decipher what I want versus what I don't want. If I can't make these decisions for me, then how would I be able to make them when my mother becomes elderly and needs me and going forward for a baby that will need me to make executive decisions 24/7? My heart beats with passion for what I want and what I want solely. What I want for my family, what I want to see myself with...not just in the physical, but in the mental. How I want to evolve as a woman of class and grace. I want to take cooking classes, and learn to cook not just the cuisine of my nationality but all foods, I want to practice Ashtanga yoga for physical strength but also its mental principles, and pole dancing for the hell and fun of it. I want to root myself in self-sufficiency and worldliness. I want to learn more about African-American history..and Jamaican history. I want to become saavy with a wrench and screwdriver, so I don't have to incessantly call upon a man-whether it be my father, brother, uncle or some significant other to install my own shit. I want to be able to put something together and stand back and tall and say "I did that". No one the fuck else, "I did that". I want to learn about wines and pottery. Finance and home fixtures. I want, I want, I want.
And finally, I will have. I will create.

I repeatedly said 2010 has taken the cake for being the sole worst year of my life..a continuation of drama, pain and problems from 2007 and 2009 especially. The majority of year has been negative only because of my outlook. I never realized that when you workout through pain, you gain muscle. I've made it to my breakthrough point. Not breakdown, but breakthrough. All this has been preparation from God. Now I want and hunger for ME. And all this muscle I've gained, I finally see the definition I've sought after and I can finally put it to good use starting in 2011, and for the rest of my life.

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