Saturday, October 23, 2010

Saran Wrap

Its when you inhale and you feel the hollow spaces in your chest, almost like multiple big holes in a piece of Saran Wrap...that's how my heart has been.

I haven't written.....
Mainly because I've literally felt in too much grief to write. I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. Maybe I haven't written, because..there isn't much to say. People always advise that you talk your feelings out and talking them out..hasn't altered my reality. Sometimes, it just reinforces a reality I don't want to believe.
I feel virtually future-less. If "future-less" could actually be rendered a term.

To be pregnant.
To lose a baby.
To separate from the love of my life.
All in such a short period of a bit more than much to handle.

I have no appetite. I don't see a reason to be outside my actual bedroom, let alone not laying in the bed. I force myself to go outside. I force myself to answer phone calls. I put away the ultrasound photo..of a girl, due on 2/14/2011 what I feel would've been the best Valentine's Day of my entire life.
Him and I still love each other..and its something between us that I can't explain. Nothing has changed. We're just separating. Just to go into two separate corners and figure things out for awhile on our own. People always say "if you love something, you let it go and if it comes back then it's yours". That's what we're doing. Making our own plans as individuals and if we come back to one another, then we do belong together. We both went through such an ordeal and he has been the person I've been able to turn to the most. The only person that truly understands the source of my thoughts and feelings and has served as a source of wisdom and thorough comfort, always knowing the right and best things to say.

Every time that I'm with him and analyze the relationship in full...I realize that I always thought I knew what love was in my previous relationship. I didn't have a clue. I know now. I know what it's like to truly have, true love. As much as that's not the only thing that makes a relationship work, I know what it's like to fully experience true and unconditional love.

And it's beautiful.
I am his blood, and he is mine..and regardless of what ever may happen especially for a baby shared, we will always be family. Always.

It's hard to move forward, in the terms of everything. I feel like I have no future to move towards. I have no career. I have love in my heart, but not in the physical tangible sense as both my love and baby are gone. My resume on life has been graduating college, destroying my physical body with a thyroid condition and drinking liquor like life elixir as if my liver is cool to follow for mass shutdown. Add a couple of missing main events of family and friends lives being upstate in college for the four years, a lot of financial debt trying to fix my heart and impress people who weren't important. Missing my little brother's entire high school career. I don't have much to show for anything.

I hear my baby's heartbeat in my ears and remember to vividly what it's like to drink an entire slurpee from 7/11 and how quickly she would move. My body is almost fully back to normal, and I look at it with a loathing that I didn't know I could experience. That my stomach is flat again, and my belly button has retracted back. Or when I lay awake and cry all hours of the night because there's no movement inside of me, or that my breasts are leaking with a milk that now serves no purpose. I've contemplated suicide more than I think my brain can handle. I truly feel as if I have no reason for existence and if it be that I do, that maybe I've done all I need to do already. I've been a part of a couple people's lives outside my family and we have some beautiful memories that I'm sure will last them.

Other than that.....there's no plan. No goals. No dreams.
Once you poke holes in a piece of saran wrap, you need an entirely new piece.
And I have no idea where to get a new one..a new heart.

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