Breakeven

Written on 2/2/2010:

I have to breakeven now.

Instead, all I've been doing is breaking down.

It's crazy that in two months, I'll be 24 years old and I'm realizing for the first time in these 23.82 years that it's ok to break down. Especially when the people closest to you know the truth. It's ok to be vulnerable.

People take advantage of people not because something is wrong with that person, or because that person is necessarily weak. I've always felt that I've been preyed upon because of 'weakness'. In turn, I've become a sort of monster.

I truly have. A beast of sorts.

I do lash out. Near constantly.

I scream. At levels that would break a child to tears and make any adult flee in fear.

I do this because I hurt so much. I handle mental pain so horribly. My tolerance for physical pain 1000 times exceeds the tolerance for anyone remotely telling me my shoes are ugly.

Or that my blouse is not their "cup of tea".

To quote The Script, "I'm falling to pieces".

I truly, truly have been. It's been brewing for years now. Maybe even as far back as my grandmother passing in 2005. I've been a wild child.
No sense of direction.
Random spurts of direction and focus.
Everything else chaotic, messy and just plain wild. Living on the edge and damn near letting people push me off of it. Patience, out the damn window the day she died.

I'm not erasing what has happened. Or attempting to erase all the pain I've felt and even currently feel, but I have to at some point just breakeven. I have to.

The pain isn't progressing me, it isn't building me, it's been destroying me. It pushes away the people that I'm most close to, and if I think I'm feeling pain now...just imagine if all the pain that I lash out on the surface were to push these people away permanently.

That's a pain I don't want to imagine, or more importantly endure.

I'm in love with this same All-Star that I wasn't supposed to fall for in the first place. I'm letting it warp my mind to the point that I'm not breaking even, again I'm breaking down. We had an honest conversation and he loves me but he isn't in love with me. There's a difference that sometimes even I don't differentiate from. I wish it was the latter. I wish so much that he felt the same way I do that he's IN love with me. But I have to be real. I have to breakeven. Though my heart aches and all I think of is that the perfect person for me isn't in love with me..you have to break. How can you entitle the same privileges as a significant other to someone who isn't your significant other and has no desire to be.

Its hard though. When you know how your heart feels and that person tells you they love you..that they need you. You sink. You drown..in love and passion. Someway, somehow you're supposed to just put the breaks on and remind yourself "hey, you're never going to get anything out of this..they aren't IN love with you". When it comes to that, how do you breakeven.

I can't even breakeven with the Ex-Significant. He wants me back but after 3 1/2 years of irreconcilable damage..I can't take him back. To him, breaking even would be getting back together and to me that's not even, that's breaking me into more pieces that he's aided in creating.

No thank you.

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing"..hell, I'd just like to breathe in general. I'd like to go a week with no tears. I'd like to go a week without any repairs to ME to be made. Without some love longing for someone I cannot have or some situation I have no power to alter. I just want to breathe if that's ok with anyone.

Anyone.

You'd think my heart has hurt for so long over so much one would ask, "what does one need in order to numb out?" At this point not even elephant tranquilizers seem to be doing the trick. I respect pain now, and its not that I don't want to remove the ability to feel..I just want to feel happy.

I just want to breakeven and breathe easy. Just for awhile.

"I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing"...my goal now has to be to just breathe easy.