Over the last two months, I've undergone a vast amount of stress. Between losing my job, trying to recover from the anger, frustration, sadness and confusion from the job in the first place, trying to relax and hear my own self think for just 5 whole minutes, ending my three year relationship with The Significant, meeting an All-Star that I'll never fully call my own, learning how to be hard with my heart, learning to be alone-first without men and then without anyone, being called a lush, and a home life that only half of me wants......I'll say that I've had my fair share of stress.
All these stresses have actually broken me down way more than they have built me up..
They say diamonds are built under pressure,maybe I'm not a diamond because pressure has the exact adverse effect on me.
After nearly two months and a full two week hiatus from people, a small part of me feels like I'm recovering but every time I start to recover, leave it to my mother-my arch nemesis to break me back down to nothing. No matter what anyone has to say to me, she has made it as such as that she is the antagonist in my story line from beginning to end of my entire book.
At 23 years of age, I've fully given up on the arch nemesis and I, the protagonist, ever joining mutual forces to take out some unknown enemy like a deep episode of Power Rangers.
The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind - Dr Dwayne Dyer
If that is so, then why is it that I've always wanted a normal, sane relationship with the one person that everyone insists I'm supposed to be closest to..but every attempt I make, its always combated. Where is the reflection of what I want? A normal, peaceful relationship.
I've always been told, "Don't say that you hate people, hate is too strong of a word and no one should hate anyone, it's always better to use the term dislike".
But I wonder more and more, as I grow..if hate is really too strong of a word. I'm sick of being cut down to nothing. I'm sick of everything. And what I'm sick of most of all, is being blatantly hated by a woman and being told I'm not allowed to hate back. I understand its a sick cycle, but I'm sick of what I feel like is almost near persecution. Not physically, anymore at least, but mentally. For as far back as I could remember, maybe even random pieces of ages 4 and 5 she's always mentally persecuted me.
What could I have done at age 4 besides, exist to be mentally persecuted so?
In every story, the antagonist has a hatred for the protagonist and that's what fuels the antagonist's reasoning for persecuting the protagonist. I don't want her to be my enemy, but she insists upon it.
Insists upon it.....
After awhile, the protagonist can only be persecuted for so long before they too develop their own hatred for the antagonist...their own hatred for why they are being persecuted..why they are being chased, harmed, threatened, stressed...
The constant story line....
Snow White versus the Queen
Super Mario versus Bowser
Harry Potter versus Lord Voldemort
It makes me always want to pull away into a hiatus away from everyone or run to everyone in efforts to never be in the same house as the antagonist.
I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of running.
There are no more mushrooms for Mario to power me up...no more witch spells to cast or learn if I were Harry Potter..
I'm just tired. So dead exhausted, I wish someone truly understood.
Sometimes, people assume I'll be in bed from sun up to sun down because of my thyroid, and whereas that may be true, on some days..it's just her. Just the knowledge that it'll always be the antagonist versus the protagonist.
It's an on going game. And it won't end until one of us dies.
And then, it's game over.