Abracadabra.

Abracadabra. The Aramaic phrase abraq ad habra means "I will create as I speak." It applies not only to what you say out loud, but also what you tell yourself.

-From SELF magazine, August 2010

In Love & Fear

Why am I so scared of what you'll think of me? Is it because I've learned so much about you that I don't think I compare? Or maybe, that I don't think I'm lucky enough..to have you, that is. Maybe its a fear that when you realize how much better than me you are, you will leave me. I know I've hit jackpot, I just can't bare the thought of bankruptcy. You make me want to be better. Hell, after what I've endured I'm just coming into the belief that I'm good..and then here you come along making me want to be even better. I don't know what capabilities I possess. I can assess it in those around me but not in myself. Yet in some weird way, I do know my potential but I'm terrified to go there. Is there a such thing as a life phobia? Too many possibilities, too many expectations from others, success in levels you can't handle or failure beyond rock bottom. What is it with you? Or should I say what is it with me. I don't have the answers to anything, and I hate that you can see that. I don't know how you see all of that and still love me. It makes no sense. I'm trying to get it together, I swear to you I am but I don't know what the hell I'm doing. And actually, since everything else is just plain old..fucked up, I hold back from you in some ways because I'm too terrified to fuck us up. I have a failure phobia and it starts with you. And when you realize that there's someone better out there...I'll have to face that phobia, head on. And I dread that day.

I've always been the sustaining provider, the know-it-all, you name it in every relationship. I've always been the better one and now, for once, I'm not..and I have no idea how to handle it. All I know, is I don't want you to ever go.
So understand my stage fright around you, yes, even one year later. Be compassionate when I tiptoe around you. Be knowledgeable of how much I love you. And don't turn your heart against me if you find someone new. Know that I do all I do in love and fear of losing you.

Energy in Disguise

I haven't written in a while because as usual, there's been a lot going on. Sometimes so much so that I can't organize all my feelings to even put them down in words. I wrote a long, private entry entitled "Boyfriends are from Mars, & Best Friends are from Venus" detailing my feelings of now being in two back to back relationships in which my significant other and best friend don't get along. It helped me organize some deep feelings of frustration that I felt neither party understood from my middle stand point, especially now going through this all over again. However, from that situation I've been reading a book called Energy Addict 101 which has just been stellar. I'm not sure what prompted me to do so, but I've been carrying a pen with me EVERYWHERE and scribbling in the book itself. Just breaking down and analyzing my life, habits-both good and bad, and much more.

It's been a self application of therapy. It's truly been advancing my mind and beliefs on positivity. I've always seen positivity as something fake most of the time, as something that comes and goes and cannot be chosen. I guess I view it as a matter of luck..some people are lucky, and others are just not. In slowly understanding and deciphering the basis of positivity, and storages within oneself of how it can be transformed is like so interesting to me. The knowledge that positivity is an ENERGY, that we all possess & by scientific fact energy can't be destroyed it can only be transformed literally means that its just up to the person to transform the pre-existing energy.

The concept being so scientifically sound literally destroys my beliefs on positivity being an issue of luck or a creation of peoples fickle imaginations. I've felt a lot of people I know were creating positivity based on forcing light on something that was obviously bleak.

It's just awesome to realize that positivity is inside of all of us, its just up to us to transform it.

And that, I can do....

Speech vs. Feelings

Sometimes....your feelings are only worth expressing when u know they won't fall upon deaf ears for its compassion you seek not selfish ignorance..

I'm trying to find the possible ways to explain to you how hurt I am by your words and actions but I fear more importantly, your lack of compassion..if that so be the case dare I not speak..