Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
New Jack Update: Feelin So Good
I don't want to diagnose something prematurely....
But this morning particularly, I feel really good. I feel so well rested. I did a half hour worth of stretches. I prayed. And now, I'm blogging. I do have to go to work, which this spot is always a damper but today...I'm focused on not letting it affect me. After thinking very, very hard this weekend and writing the Watchmen post, it's so obvious that I truly watch everything that's going on and don't pay attention to myself.
Yesterday, I drank my first "Emergen-C" in the multi-vitamin concoction with the flavor of cherry-pomegranate,which I should've known better about, and just felt amazing. Energized all day.
I stuck to eating proper and small meals all day, and found it that because I refused to be stressed, I didn't EAT nearly as much. I actually went to bed at a decent time last night, and I just feel good.
The Significant wildly accused me of trying to go after his friends....after being up until 2am crying about it the Sunday night, I spoke to HIS friends who did nothing but make me laugh about how ridiculous the insinuation was for 2 whole hours. It's sad when people realize that they're in the wrong, but cannot handle it so they feel the incessant need to re-direct blame or attention onto another subject that is not their own faults. I'm praying for him, because I feel so bad for him that there is a serious delusion rooted in pathetic behavior. I'm going to start praying for a lot of people, and I'm going to start praying for myself again. There's so much I'd like to do and like to have, and I think it's possible if I start devoting myself again.
...Being caught in that "Watchmen" trap it's so easy I realize to lose sight of absolutely everything....
But I'm focused on testing that trial..of "you cannot help others before you help yourself"
I'm going to pause the Watchmen activity and try focusing on feeling good on for size.
But this morning particularly, I feel really good. I feel so well rested. I did a half hour worth of stretches. I prayed. And now, I'm blogging. I do have to go to work, which this spot is always a damper but today...I'm focused on not letting it affect me. After thinking very, very hard this weekend and writing the Watchmen post, it's so obvious that I truly watch everything that's going on and don't pay attention to myself.
Yesterday, I drank my first "Emergen-C" in the multi-vitamin concoction with the flavor of cherry-pomegranate,
I stuck to eating proper and small meals all day, and found it that because I refused to be stressed, I didn't EAT nearly as much. I actually went to bed at a decent time last night, and I just feel good.
The Significant wildly accused me of trying to go after his friends....after being up until 2am crying about it the Sunday night, I spoke to HIS friends who did nothing but make me laugh about how ridiculous the insinuation was for 2 whole hours. It's sad when people realize that they're in the wrong, but cannot handle it so they feel the incessant need to re-direct blame or attention onto another subject that is not their own faults. I'm praying for him, because I feel so bad for him that there is a serious delusion rooted in pathetic behavior. I'm going to start praying for a lot of people, and I'm going to start praying for myself again. There's so much I'd like to do and like to have, and I think it's possible if I start devoting myself again.
...Being caught in that "Watchmen" trap it's so easy I realize to lose sight of absolutely everything....
But I'm focused on testing that trial..of "you cannot help others before you help yourself"
I'm going to pause the Watchmen activity and try focusing on feeling good on for size.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Watchmen
I've been so busy watching everyone else for so long and measuring their success to pave the path of my own; to use The Secret and attract my own success....
If not more than obvious, I haven't been writing...
I've been too busy watching. I look at my blog, and see how robots and spam have massacred my page views. Instead of acting to fix it, I've gone to other blog sites and just watched their level of success and felt myself build up with anger and envy.
I've been complaining and feeling trapped, but watch the piles of things in my bedroom permitting me from walking around it.
I sit on Facebook, and watch and read about the successes of what seems to be all my fellow alumni and then watch that my level of success doesn't match and that they're all doing what they wanted to do right out of college whereas I still had to wait 9 months to get in the game and then I'm still not doing what I want to do. Watching them, being miserable, and watching more intently.
I have reached out to too many people for assistance with Wordpress, as I'm undergoing severe difficulty utilizing it despite importing all of The New Jack into it. Instead of reading the new CSS/HTML book I've bought (not that I have all the time in the world), I've been watching it. I remember I used to ask people to help make me a layout for this current The New Jack, and after asking for months from different people, I did it myself. The only person that there truly is to thank, is myself.
My goal is to drop about 20-30 lbs. Instead of doing anything, I've been watching everyone that's been looking way better than I have been and just feeling envious. Or, I sit around looking at pictures of myself when I was slimmer & happier, and feel remorseful for letting myself go.
I've been job hunting, but not as hard as I could be, and instead, I'm just watching people get promotions, watching fellow alumni get the positions they want and not putting action behind what I want.
Instead of looking for a photographer for the ideas I've had, or finding a way to get these photos of myself done, myself (which for what I have in mind would be extremely difficult) I stop and stare at other people's photos. Wishing I had the photographers they have, wishing I had the same network.
Where has playing the watchman gotten me?
Absolutely nowhere.....
I find that, I'm always clouded by thought. Thought, desire, moods, feelings, wishes...clouded to a point that I'm paralyzed by them. I don't back the thoughts, desires, moods, feelings, wishes. I let them hang above me as the "I want to"-list or, the "I wish I had"-list. Is there any point in a list, if I'm not crossing anything off of it to make the list smaller?
I compare, and batter and bruise myself so much..
No one hurts me, more than me.
I have to stop hurting me, and start watching me. Instead, of watching everyone else. I'm not progressing not because something is wrong with me, or that I can't make things come true for myself. I'm not progressing myself, because I'm always too busy hurting myself.
I have to stop playing the role of the Watchman. I have to start progressing.
I have to start now.
If not more than obvious, I haven't been writing...
I've been too busy watching. I look at my blog, and see how robots and spam have massacred my page views. Instead of acting to fix it, I've gone to other blog sites and just watched their level of success and felt myself build up with anger and envy.
I've been complaining and feeling trapped, but watch the piles of things in my bedroom permitting me from walking around it.
I sit on Facebook, and watch and read about the successes of what seems to be all my fellow alumni and then watch that my level of success doesn't match and that they're all doing what they wanted to do right out of college whereas I still had to wait 9 months to get in the game and then I'm still not doing what I want to do. Watching them, being miserable, and watching more intently.
I have reached out to too many people for assistance with Wordpress, as I'm undergoing severe difficulty utilizing it despite importing all of The New Jack into it. Instead of reading the new CSS/HTML book I've bought (not that I have all the time in the world), I've been watching it. I remember I used to ask people to help make me a layout for this current The New Jack, and after asking for months from different people, I did it myself. The only person that there truly is to thank, is myself.
My goal is to drop about 20-30 lbs. Instead of doing anything, I've been watching everyone that's been looking way better than I have been and just feeling envious. Or, I sit around looking at pictures of myself when I was slimmer & happier, and feel remorseful for letting myself go.
I've been job hunting, but not as hard as I could be, and instead, I'm just watching people get promotions, watching fellow alumni get the positions they want and not putting action behind what I want.
Instead of looking for a photographer for the ideas I've had, or finding a way to get these photos of myself done, myself (which for what I have in mind would be extremely difficult) I stop and stare at other people's photos. Wishing I had the photographers they have, wishing I had the same network.
Where has playing the watchman gotten me?
Absolutely nowhere.....
I find that, I'm always clouded by thought. Thought, desire, moods, feelings, wishes...clouded to a point that I'm paralyzed by them. I don't back the thoughts, desires, moods, feelings, wishes. I let them hang above me as the "I want to"-list or, the "I wish I had"-list. Is there any point in a list, if I'm not crossing anything off of it to make the list smaller?
I compare, and batter and bruise myself so much..
No one hurts me, more than me.
I have to stop hurting me, and start watching me. Instead, of watching everyone else. I'm not progressing not because something is wrong with me, or that I can't make things come true for myself. I'm not progressing myself, because I'm always too busy hurting myself.
I have to stop playing the role of the Watchman. I have to start progressing.
I have to start now.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
New Jack Update: Thanks to Melyssa, I Can Die Happy
Melyssa Ford, my...body idol...has been responding to me on Twitter.
Now that I can die happy, here's a tribute of videos to all the reasons why I adore Melyssa Ford. I'm dying to meet her...and I'm going to the gym tomorrow after my car gets registered to get back the body I had which was so similar to hers...
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Melyssa is Hungry
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Melyssa is Mine
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Melyssa In Slo-Mo
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Melyssa On Skates
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Melyssa's Calendar
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Melyssa Is Ready
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Got Melissa?
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Melyssa Shopping
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Melyssa's Close-up
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Mel's Got It
Now that I can die happy, here's a tribute of videos to all the reasons why I adore Melyssa Ford. I'm dying to meet her...and I'm going to the gym tomorrow after my car gets registered to get back the body I had which was so similar to hers...
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Melyssa is Hungry
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Melyssa is Mine
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Melyssa In Slo-Mo
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Melyssa On Skates
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Melyssa's Calendar
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Melyssa Is Ready
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Got Melissa?
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Melyssa Shopping
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Melyssa's Close-up
Flow TV - Melyssa Ford - Mel's Got It
Monday, June 8, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
New Jack Update: Late Registration
I'm creeped out beyond words. My headache is equivalent with the idea that I have no idea what I could've done this morning to deserve someone maliciously attacking me with a brick while I was asleep.
Or at least, that's how it feels...
I had a dream that Kanye West was my professor. Now instinctively, some would quote him and say, "I'd be on time for that". In my dream however, I was late. Just like the track, "Late". Super late at that.
We were taking...a life exam.
We were set at SUNY Oneonta actually, in the classroom where Anthropology took place for me. The IRC building is what it's referred to as, and if I remember it exact, Lecture room 3.
A huge lecture hall.
It has to hold around 150 students at minimum. The hall is divided into three's: A column of about...50 chairs per column. However, the lecture hall in actuality is set up with MORE chairs towards the back of the room where the door of entrance and exit resides and shrinks down to less chairs towards the front, where the professor would stand and give the lecture-the view of a slice of pizza from the crust down to the point. In my dream though, for some reason it was inverted. I sat at the point which was the point of entrance and exit but my professor, Kanye was at the top-"the crust".
I was watching my dream on mute. Here begins the major problem. As I know NOT what Kanye is lecturing us on. Second problem, I'm late. Super late, for this exam. I didn't think that things were getting any worse, until apparently, a young white male next to me-resemblant of Jesse McCartney told me in a panic that we were taking a life exam. As I scan his desk with my eyes and the desks arond me, all I have is a book bag, a Jansport, navy blue as I did in middle school and it's empty. The people around me have huge desk calendars, photos, scizzors, pens, pencils, protractors, you name it. Someone passes down to me the examination booklet and its white blank. The cleanest paper I've ever seen in my life. I reach into the book bag and pull out a pencil. Poised to write, nothing hits the paper. I'm looking around me, and people are writing furiously. Snipping photos, angling protractors, flipping through the huge calendars marking off dates or referencing dates and writing them down. I'm looking onto the "Jesse McCarteny" character's exam book, being nosy, not certain where in the hell to begin writing. Just trying to start, to get an idea to jump off of and I don't have one. I sigh, exasperated and defeated after probably 15 minutes of waiting around, I get up.
The only one in the entire lecture hall to get up.
Kanye gets up.
Kanye begins screaming. He starts to throw his body in the same familiar ways he would when he's in the midsts of a deep song on stage. However, he's screaming something at me, and from the body and facial language I can tell it's in rage but the first problem STILL remains, my dream is on MUTE. I can't hear what he's yelling at me and I continue, head hung and defeated to walk upwards from the front of the room-"the point" up to the back of the room "the crust" in order to exit. The only thing I CAN hear, is my own sobbing upon my exit and from a totally different album of Late Registration, the song of "Say You Will" from 808's & Heartbreak.
I know this is some blazing red arrow falling out of the sky that's saying "YOUR LIFE IS NOT TOGETHER; WAKE UP; GET MOVING; FOCUS ON GOALS" but I need more explanation. More...something, that I can't quite put my finger on and say "I need ________". I'm almost waiting for someone to TELL what it is.
Anyone do dream translations?
Late - Kanye West
Or at least, that's how it feels...
I had a dream that Kanye West was my professor. Now instinctively, some would quote him and say, "I'd be on time for that". In my dream however, I was late. Just like the track, "Late". Super late at that.
We were taking...a life exam.
We were set at SUNY Oneonta actually, in the classroom where Anthropology took place for me. The IRC building is what it's referred to as, and if I remember it exact, Lecture room 3.
A huge lecture hall.
It has to hold around 150 students at minimum. The hall is divided into three's: A column of about...50 chairs per column. However, the lecture hall in actuality is set up with MORE chairs towards the back of the room where the door of entrance and exit resides and shrinks down to less chairs towards the front, where the professor would stand and give the lecture-the view of a slice of pizza from the crust down to the point. In my dream though, for some reason it was inverted. I sat at the point which was the point of entrance and exit but my professor, Kanye was at the top-"the crust".
I was watching my dream on mute. Here begins the major problem. As I know NOT what Kanye is lecturing us on. Second problem, I'm late. Super late, for this exam. I didn't think that things were getting any worse, until apparently, a young white male next to me-resemblant of Jesse McCartney told me in a panic that we were taking a life exam. As I scan his desk with my eyes and the desks arond me, all I have is a book bag, a Jansport, navy blue as I did in middle school and it's empty. The people around me have huge desk calendars, photos, scizzors, pens, pencils, protractors, you name it. Someone passes down to me the examination booklet and its white blank. The cleanest paper I've ever seen in my life. I reach into the book bag and pull out a pencil. Poised to write, nothing hits the paper. I'm looking around me, and people are writing furiously. Snipping photos, angling protractors, flipping through the huge calendars marking off dates or referencing dates and writing them down. I'm looking onto the "Jesse McCarteny" character's exam book, being nosy, not certain where in the hell to begin writing. Just trying to start, to get an idea to jump off of and I don't have one. I sigh, exasperated and defeated after probably 15 minutes of waiting around, I get up.
The only one in the entire lecture hall to get up.
Kanye gets up.
Kanye begins screaming. He starts to throw his body in the same familiar ways he would when he's in the midsts of a deep song on stage. However, he's screaming something at me, and from the body and facial language I can tell it's in rage but the first problem STILL remains, my dream is on MUTE. I can't hear what he's yelling at me and I continue, head hung and defeated to walk upwards from the front of the room-"the point" up to the back of the room "the crust" in order to exit. The only thing I CAN hear, is my own sobbing upon my exit and from a totally different album of Late Registration, the song of "Say You Will" from 808's & Heartbreak.
I know this is some blazing red arrow falling out of the sky that's saying "YOUR LIFE IS NOT TOGETHER; WAKE UP; GET MOVING; FOCUS ON GOALS" but I need more explanation. More...something, that I can't quite put my finger on and say "I need ________". I'm almost waiting for someone to TELL what it is.
Anyone do dream translations?
Late - Kanye West
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
New Jack Update: I'm thinking to flip, especially now that recession's here
It seems of late, like Day n Nite by Kid Cudi is essentially becoming my theme song..
I just don't need the Jim Jones part regarding court, "Sorry Judge" to wedge it's way into my life. That might be a little too much into his reality that I don't want to delve into...
However, I'm noticing how quickly I'm running out of options. With the rug being pulled from under my feet repeatedly & consistently, I have no choice but to act. The thing is, it's how it's looking I'm going to have to act is what stresses me...
More after my place of employment...
I just don't need the Jim Jones part regarding court, "Sorry Judge" to wedge it's way into my life. That might be a little too much into his reality that I don't want to delve into...
However, I'm noticing how quickly I'm running out of options. With the rug being pulled from under my feet repeatedly & consistently, I have no choice but to act. The thing is, it's how it's looking I'm going to have to act is what stresses me...
More after my place of employment...
Monday, June 1, 2009
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