Sunday, June 21, 2009


I've been so busy watching everyone else for so long and measuring their success to pave the path of my own; to use The Secret and attract my own success....

If not more than obvious, I haven't been writing...
I've been too busy watching. I look at my blog, and see how robots and spam have massacred my page views. Instead of acting to fix it, I've gone to other blog sites and just watched their level of success and felt myself build up with anger and envy.

I've been complaining and feeling trapped, but watch the piles of things in my bedroom permitting me from walking around it.

I sit on Facebook, and watch and read about the successes of what seems to be all my fellow alumni and then watch that my level of success doesn't match and that they're all doing what they wanted to do right out of college whereas I still had to wait 9 months to get in the game and then I'm still not doing what I want to do. Watching them, being miserable, and watching more intently.

I have reached out to too many people for assistance with Wordpress, as I'm undergoing severe difficulty utilizing it despite importing all of The New Jack into it. Instead of reading the new CSS/HTML book I've bought (not that I have all the time in the world), I've been watching it. I remember I used to ask people to help make me a layout for this current The New Jack, and after asking for months from different people, I did it myself. The only person that there truly is to thank, is myself.

My goal is to drop about 20-30 lbs. Instead of doing anything, I've been watching everyone that's been looking way better than I have been and just feeling envious. Or, I sit around looking at pictures of myself when I was slimmer & happier, and feel remorseful for letting myself go.

I've been job hunting, but not as hard as I could be, and instead, I'm just watching people get promotions, watching fellow alumni get the positions they want and not putting action behind what I want.

Instead of looking for a photographer for the ideas I've had, or finding a way to get these photos of myself done, myself (which for what I have in mind would be extremely difficult) I stop and stare at other people's photos. Wishing I had the photographers they have, wishing I had the same network.

Where has playing the watchman gotten me?
Absolutely nowhere.....

I find that, I'm always clouded by thought. Thought, desire, moods, feelings, wishes...clouded to a point that I'm paralyzed by them. I don't back the thoughts, desires, moods, feelings, wishes. I let them hang above me as the "I want to"-list or, the "I wish I had"-list. Is there any point in a list, if I'm not crossing anything off of it to make the list smaller?

I compare, and batter and bruise myself so much..
No one hurts me, more than me.

I have to stop hurting me, and start watching me. Instead, of watching everyone else. I'm not progressing not because something is wrong with me, or that I can't make things come true for myself. I'm not progressing myself, because I'm always too busy hurting myself.

I have to stop playing the role of the Watchman. I have to start progressing.

I have to start now.

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