Monday, February 21, 2011

Snake Bites

"When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life"-Lindsay Lohan as Cady in Mean Girls

It's true though...

I have so much to say about all the poison that I've been so focused in late 2010 with removing. I had a set back, and stopped sucking out the venom in temporary happiness with positive developments in my life. Slowly, the venom has been spreading back across my veins because I thought I got rid of it all and started ignoring what was left over.

It's 2011. It's true, it's a new and better year for me. However, I'm not operating how I once was in keeping that positivity because I'm realizing that some poisons of 2010 and even 2009 still exist.

The Ex-Significant still wants to come back. I'm beyond in love with the All-Star, and the All-Star and I are blissfully in love, have been, with adult and mutual understandings on the state of affairs of our "relationship". Only we understand each other and our mutual plans and though I don't necessarily need other people to understand "us" because we do and that's all that matters, it wouldn't hurt if I had friends I could turn to about "us". Not to express anything negative, just wishing I had friends who could open their hearts and minds and truly hear what I have to say and understand "us".
More importantly, I'm realizing day by day how much the Ex-Significant still plays a role in my life-negatively. It influences issues, brought on by me with the All-Star, it influences my heart-negatively in terms of belief.
For example, dating the Ex-Significant for as long as I did and all the things he's put me through..I've come to realize that I started to believe that this is just what relationships are. You, the woman, love said're dedicated and what not, and the man cheats-repeatedly, and you just continue on your "merry" way. As it's not "expected" that a man will be faithful to one woman for the rest of his life. It hasn't been until recent in depth conversations with the All-Star that I've realized how fucked up my perception has become from dating one person.
The issue is..........I still can't shake these beliefs. No matter how much the All-Star, friends, you name it, try to drill it into my head that its NOT normal for people to cheat, lie, abuse you etc. I'm not sure what it is but it doesn't stick with me. I feel as if, I'm going to get married one day and my husband, whoever he may be, is not going to come home to me every night for the rest of his life and its something that I just have to accept. If I don't, I'm going to spend my life looking for a man that doesn't exist.
Now, I could easily say to myself-"well, you've already been proven wrong in your time of dating the All-Star, and its factual and you have literal proof" but as much as that's so, the work of the Ex-Significant keeps returning to my brain. I don't take what any man says to me seriously, it's not a bias towards the All-Star because we're dating, its all men. I feel like as a woman, I have to just accept these things because they'll happen sooner or later regardless of what man I'm with.

I didn't realize that the snake bites of the Ex-Significant were so deep.....nearly two years later deep. But, they are.

His "works" affect my every belief, they weigh me down and distort my self esteem. I feel empty and worthless. I raise myself in positivity and then I get shocked with a past memory or some negative mistreatment from him that speaks to my mind and says "you were treated this way, because you weren't good enough...and soon enough, no matter who it is the All-Star or someone else will do the same to you because its not them, its you". All of these feelings despite that there is no ammunition from the All-Star, there really isnt. Nor is there from the invisible men that I haven't met yet.
My new boss invokes panic attacks in me by construing the same beliefs-that I'm not good enough and that I need to get my "fucking shit done".
Another bite, another snake in my life, and more poison.

And the poison has taken over my body so much so that nearly two weeks ago, I tried to commit suicide, overwhelmed with venom.

So, here I am.
Swollen, with pain, venom coursing through my veins and trying to find a way to suck the poison out. Just like Cady said: "When you get bit by a snake, you're supposed to suck the poison out. That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life" I know that's what I have to do to continue to move forward in positivity, but, I'm genuinely stuck. The pain I still feel from the Ex-Significant's work is still hard, when he calls and apologies incessantly and tries to work things out and I stand back and realize-"you've fucked me up-for the current man, for the next man and I may not ever keep a man because you've fucked me up"

I don't feel worth anything because I'm so filled with venom..and I need to suck the poison out. I need to suck all the poison out of my life, I just don't know how to handle multiple snake bites and so much poison in my system all at once.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


Not sure how I ventured across your blog but I have & though I am nothing more than anonymous, I have found myself feeling the urge to reply.

During the course of my visit today, I have read several of your postings & while I could very well be incorrect in my interpretations - I have only the words you've written by which to go off of - to me the picture that is painted onto the canvas of a stranger is that of a sensitive soul who takes a lot to heart, while trying to maintain an outward appearance which runs to the opposite. If I am wrong in that deduction than please by all means disregard me as yet another random soul who fails at psychology.

In this life the most important lessons - & often the hardest - to be learned will always come from those closest to you. Just as you learn the meaning of love & affection from family, you will also discover the multiple levels of disappointment & heartbreak from those whom you've chosen to invest yourself. Regarding the negative, it is a natural response when faced with the level of emotional abuse that you apparently have endured from someone who claimed to care, that you would in some form or fashion attempt to hold yourself responsible for their transgressions & question your self-worth. After all if you hadn't somehow failed in your role as a woman than your "Ex-Significant " wouldn't have run around on you, right?

Natural reaction surely, but is it correct…?? - The obvious answer is "No" but the reasoning behind such thoughts merits further discussion -

It sometimes bears reminding that taking a step back from a situation when you begin to feel overwhelmed amongst the muck & mire will often help to propel one to the proper solution. If you remove subjectivity from the equation - difficult as it may be - you see that this great wide world is made up of all sorts of people. There are doctors who donate their time to fix cleft palates in the 3rd world & then there are those who scam Medicare. There are Lawyers who champion the underprivileged & too many who chase ambulances with $$$ signs reflected in their eyes. Parents who raise their children to be upstanding citizens & those who lead their children down the road of thuggary/vice. People who back their words of affection with like action & people who lie/manipulate with no regard to others feelings in order to further their own agendas. And there is also an articulate blogger with a wounded heart who rages against herself & a beautiful woman risen from the ashen remains left by a lesson fed her against her will; strengthened by the knowledge that she persevered in the face of such adversity.

I'm going to bookmark this site & check back in a few days, allow you to read my comments & decide for yourself whether or not you might have any interest in sharing some dialogue with an anonymous such as myself, who has been there.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey & will simply leave off with on elast thought…

The intial harm never can be antcipated but once an individual has caused you that pain, they can not hurt you further unless you provide them with the leeway to do so.