Sunday, March 27, 2011
I'm a Commitment Phobe
I'm currently reading this.
It was an impulse purchase. I'm never in Barnes & Noble. Never.
My father incessantly push that I go there to find a book to read on Social Media Marketing, for an interview I had upcoming and before I could even head over to the never exciting marketing section, I found "self-help".
The thing that I'm constantly in search of.
The point of self-help, I'm realizing, foolishly enough to even repeat out loud is to help oneself.
The thing I never seem to do.
I don't help myself, but seek out endlessly ways to find help.
The book, ironically enough that I planned to browse through and return immediately for my $13.99 plus New York State sales tax, is actually forcing me to take a hard, hard look at things I've negatively created in myself. The fact that the only person I can actually get to help myself is me, and that I've turned to a list of negative alternatives including relationships to fix what only I can fix. I never really thought I had low self-esteem, until reading so much and seeing myself mirrored in the pages. I don't think, now I know I have low self-esteem. No one is going to be able to fix that but me, no amount of friendships or relationships and praise from men is going to alter that.
I have a disgusting view of commitment. I don't commit to anything that involves me-my growth, well-being ("can usually wait till I get insurance, or..."), things I enjoy etc. My only view of commitment are those involving dating and marriage and loyalty. I display none of this loyalty and commitment to myself. From the basics of my hair falling out and a near retinal detachment because I don't commit to my personal health. I'm the first one to cook or harass the 'boyfriend' of the moment about what he has eaten, has he eaten, what to eat, if I should make something but when it comes to me...what I eat never matters. Even though it's blatantly affected my health negatively, I continue to overlook it. My 'boyfriends' have always had passions, and hobbies that I break myself as a supporter of-basketball games, baseball games, UFC fights-things outside realm of me, their girlfriend.
I don't have these things. I've never committed to anything outside of them.
I have become only to exist in a shell of a body that I don't take care of anyway. I'm too busy pleasing or taking care of mans body.
Don't get me wrong. I still want to fix my relationship with the All-Star, which recently ended due to a flurry of confusion.
I'm heartbroken beyond words, lonely beyond thought........
I do however, need to commit to something, for me.
Rather, I need to commit to me.
I've tried this before, and failed. Last summer to be exact. I have commitment issues when it comes to me but not when it comes to anyone else-friend or lover.
It's going to be difficult. It has been really difficult.
The last week has been a lot of crying.
But I turn 25 in two weeks. I feel as if there's anytime to make a commitment to anything that has to do with me, or to me, period now is the time. I'm trying to make myself realize that I'm stuck with me, whether I like it or not. Friends, lovers, whatever, I'm not stuck with. Yes, be loyal but there's a degree of commitment that I owe myself first.
Hopefully, I can stick to the task.
I deserve it from me.